Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[iantjambo]

David Hasslehoff has changed his name to The Hoff.

 

He couldn't be bothered with the hassle

 

Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk

 

[Jaap's Sigh]

David Hasslehoff has changed his name to The Hoff.

 

He couldn't be bothered with the hassle

 

Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk

Haha! Good one.

[superjack]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain. (true)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.

Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

 

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.

I'll do the f*ckin' dishes..!

[iantjambo]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain. (true)

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.

Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.

Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

 

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still.... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.

I'll do the f*ckin' dishes..!

Heard this one before.

 

Still brilliant though

[aussieh]

A guy goes down on his new bird, and says "Yer phannies big, isn't it?, isn't it? "

She says"You don't have to say it twice "

And he says" I didn't, I didn't "

[superjack]

A guy goes down on his new bird, and says "Yer phannies big, isn't it?, isn't it? "

She says"You don't have to say it twice "

And he says" I didn't, I didn't "

Funniest one on here for a while. Everyone on the ferry looking at me as I can't stop laughing.

[Der Kaiser]

A guy goes down on his new bird, and says "Yer phannies big, isn't it?, isn't it? "

She says"You don't have to say it twice "

And he says" I didn't, I didn't "

This joke's also in Predator.

[superjack]

I told my daughter that she drew her eye brows too high. She seemed surprised.

[aussieh]

This joke's also in Predator.

Doc? He's always nicking my material.

 

I'll have to go and watch it again now.(Any excuse to watch the original film)

[JWL]

Okay, here goes.

 

Guy is down on his luck a bit; no job, pretty skint etc. His mate works at the zoo and tells him that they are so short of gorillas at the moment they are thinking of hiring people to dress up in gorilla costumes to get the punters back in. Sure enough, he fetches up to the zoo and bags himself a gig as a gorilla impersonator, full costume and all. First week doesn't go great and the zoo manager has to tell him to up his game and swing and shout a bit more. He takes this on board and the next couple of weeks he's in full flow, swinging and shouting like the king of the jungle. However, he gets a little over enthusiastic one day and swings so hard he goes over the high perimeter fence and ends up in the lion's enclosure. As one of the lions approaches and fearful for his life he starts screaming and shouting for anyone who can hear to get him out of there. Absolutely petrified, the lion moves up alongside and moves its mouth up to his head and says 'Shut up FFS or you'll get us all the sack!!'

[Rab Mac52]

Heaven or Hell?

 

Theresa May dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.

 

Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

 

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May.

 

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

 

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

 

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

 

And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

 

The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years....... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed.

 

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.

 

The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a

Margarita and relax, Theresa!"

 

"Uh, I can't drink any more, I?m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly.

 

"This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

 

May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad.

 

They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward.

 

When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

 

So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster, and these people are all poor. She doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special!

 

Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.

 

"Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"

 

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

 

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May

reflects for a minute, then answers:

 

"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

 

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

 

The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste. She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

 

The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder.

 

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and

caviar...drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

 

The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

And so, this 18-year-old girl from Leith was getting ready for her marriage. 

 

She was a virgin - no brothers or cousins and could run faster than her uncle - so she was worried about doing "it".

 

Her mother told her she needed to be careful.  Not only was her husband-to-be 20 years older, but he had been in the navy for 20 years.

 

"Whatever you do," said her mother, "Do not give in if he asks you to do it 'the other way'".

 

And so they got married and for the first three months all was grand in the bedroom department.

 

But finally she got bored and one night asked her husband if they could try doing  it 'the other way' for a change.

 

"What", said the husband " And start a family already?"

[Morgan]

Gay bloke being chased by the police through town and he jumps into a large rubbish bin to hide.

The police stop and are standing right next to where he is hiding. One of them says to the other,

"If we find this guy I am going to stick my truncheon right up his arse".

"I'm in the bin" screams the guy.

[iantjambo]

And so, this 18-year-old girl from Leith was getting ready for her marriage.

 

She was a virgin - no brothers or cousins and could run faster than her uncle - so she was worried about doing "it".

 

Her mother told her she needed to be careful. Not only was her husband-to-be 20 years older, but he had been in the navy for 20 years.

 

"Whatever you do," said her mother, "Do not give in if he asks you to do it 'the other way'".

 

And so they got married and for the first three months all was grand in the bedroom department.

 

But finally she got bored and one night asked her husband if they could try doing it 'the other way' for a change.

 

"What", said the husband " And start a family already?"

[superjack]

Why is the menopause called menopause?

Because mad cow disease was already taken.

[superjack]

A guy tells his wife that he has invented a new style of trousers designed to make dancing easier.

The wife says "ballroom"?

The guy says "no, not much".

[iantjambo]

Why is the menopause called menopause?

Because mad cow disease was already taken.

 

 

[aussieh]

What do call an Ethiopian boxer?

Starvin Hagler

[jb102]

Anne Marie is getting married and the night before the ceremony her mother takes her aside for the "chat"

Mum says " tomorrow night is going to be a shock for you, Fergus is going to put his prized possession where you go to the toilet".

How the feck is he going to get his transit van in the  sink? Anne Marie asks.

[1874robbo]

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"Because That's your day in the barrel."

[Tazio]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

 

I can roast beef.

[Mollo]

A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

 

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

 

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

 

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

 

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

[deesidejambo]

 

A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

 

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

 

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

 

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

 

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

 

10/10

[I P Knightley]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

I can roast beef.

Have we had the lentil and chick pea one yet?

[Tazio]

Have we had the lentil and chick pea one yet?

I was saving that one for the right moment.

[I P Knightley]

I was saving that one for the right moment.

It seems the right moment was on page 2 of the thread:

 

-whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

 

I didnt pay ?50 to have a lentil on my face

 

  

[Maple Leaf]

It seems the right moment was on page 2 of the thread:

 

  

To be fair, that was 31 pages and nearly two years ago.  Also, to be fair again, some are worth repeating.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

A man comes into work on the job site with his voice out. When he tries to tell his boss, who's a real arsehole, his boss gets in his face and says,

 

"you know the last time I got a cold, I went and ate my wife out. Cured the cold right up."

 

The man hoarsely replies. "Thanks for the tip. Is she home?"

[aussieh]

Guy goes to the Doctors.

Guy "Dr! It's my farts, they are stinking and my bums sore"

Dr "Right say ah"

Guy "Ah"

Dr "Right , that seems ok and your breath has no odours"

Guy "So, what about the pains"

 

Dr " Ok, go behind the screen and drop your trousers "

 

So the guy does just that and when the doctor goes to check, he farts.

Then the doctor goes into his cupboard and take's out a staff with a hook on the end.

 

Guy" I hope your not going to stick that up my arse"

 

Dr " No, I'm going to open the window, you're fecking rotten"

Edited May 23, 2017 by aussieh

[Punks No Deid]

What do you call a one eyed jobby?

 

Keek

[aussieh]

What'd you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

[aussieh]

How'd you know an elephant has been in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter.

[jimbojambo]

My Girlfriend left a note on the fridge for me, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my Mums."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold...what the hell is she talking about?

[Ulysses]

This is a must read story that will really touch your heart.....


A family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel like she was part of the crew.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the right words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was impressed with the little girl and her dollar pay envelope and asked how she had come by her very own pay packet at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".

"Goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless ****suckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the ****ing wood", replied the little girl.

[superjack]

A woman is desperate for a husband so places an ad in her local paper sayin "I'm looking for a man who won't hit me, won't run away and can satisfy me".

A week later she hears a very loud knock on the door and there is a man with no arms and legs.

He says "I have no arms so I can't hit you and no legs so I can't run away".

"But can you satisfy me"? She asks.

"Did you hear knock on the door?"

[Watt-Zeefuik]

Nice one, Uly.

[luckyBatistuta]

A woman is desperate for a husband so places an ad in her local paper sayin "I'm looking for a man who won't hit me, won't run away and can satisfy me".

A week later she hears a very loud knock on the door and there is a man with no arms and legs.

He says "I have no arms so I can't hit you and no legs so I can't run away".

"But can you satisfy me"? She asks.

"Did you hear knock on the door?"

brilliant

[Morgan]

A guy goes down on his new bird, and says "Yer phannies big, isn't it?, isn't it? "

She says"You don't have to say it twice "

And he says" I didn't, I didn't "

Magic!!

[superjack]

None of my British electronics worked properly in the USA until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

[¼½¾]

Where does a sheep go for a haircut?

 

To the baa baa shop.

[Locky]

How this thread hasn't been locked or got anyone banned is beyond me.

 

Some belters in here but my memory is shite with jokes so I've forgot them already.

[rudi must stay]

Why are decorators the best people to go on a night out with?

 

Because they're good on the tiles

 

 

 

Made up btw. Chuffed with that one

Edited May 26, 2017 by rudi must stay

[Swanny17]

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

 

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised..........

 

I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.....

[Beni]

Q. How should you address a policewoman with a brazilian?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A. Constable.

[Morgan]

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised..........

I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.....

Heavens above

[Maple Leaf]

How this thread hasn't been locked or got anyone banned is beyond me.

 

 

It just proves that, despite what some people think, the mods have a sense of humour too!

 

But some of the jokes are bad.  Really bad.

[aussieh]

It just proves that, despite what some people think, the mods have a sense of humour too!

 

But some of the jokes are bad. Really bad.

That's what makes them good.

[John Gentleman]

A legless bloke was sitting on a remote beach in his wheelchair admiring the sunset over the ocean.

 

Seemingly out of nowhere, up walks a gorgeous blonde in a skimpy bikini. She says to Stumpy, "Ever been ******d by a blonde before?"

Stumpy...."Emmm.........no."

Blondie, "Would you like to be ******d by a blonde? Stumpy responds excitedly, "wow, would I ever!"

 

Suddenly the blonde pulls the wheelchair from underneath him and she takes off with it.

 

"Oi", yells Stumpy, flailing around in the sand, "what's your game?"

Blondie yells back........"you'll find out when the tide comes in". 

 

 

[superjack]

Two Romans are sitting in a bar having a conversation.
Roman 1, you won't believe how many women I have slept with.
Roman 2, mm?
Roman 1, don't be ridiculous, not that many.

[¼½¾]

A man flying in a hot air balloon realises he is lost. He reduces his altitude, spots a man in a field down below and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man replies, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."

 

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am. How did you know?" says the man. "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

 

The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am. But how did you know?" says the balloonist. "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."