Morgan Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Why should you never buy Ukrainian underpants? 'Cos Chernobyl fall out. Feck off Frank!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 I was told I had a large target by a blind person yesterday, not sure if they were pulling my leg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 I was walking past the school the other day and I noticed 4 guys picking on a girl. I thought it was only right that I helped. Well, she never stood a chance against the 5 of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 Blind guy walks into a supermarket, and starts swinging his Labrador above his head. I shouted "HAWL!, wtf are you doing?" He said" I'm just having a look about, now EFF OFF! and mind your own business" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandyk Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 Why should you never buy Ukrainian underpants? 'Cos Chernobyl fall out. Brilliant - Love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 What do you call a woman who throws her credit card statements in the fire? Bernadette. What do you call a woman lying over a stream? Bridget. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 When the inventor of the USB socket dies, his coffin will be lowered half way into the grave, lifted out, turned around and then lowered again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 (edited) An atheist was walking through a forest admiring the scenery and animals, constantly repeating "evolution is amazing, a creator couldn't make all of this". All of a sudden he hears some rustling leaves from a large bush. As he goes to investigate a large bear jumps out. The atheist take a off as fast as he can run. After a couple of minutes he looks over his shoulder and notices the bear is gaining on him. Whilst he is looking for somewhere to hide he notices the bear is now only a couple of yards behind him. At this point he trips over a branch. As he rolls over the bear is on top of him. It's left paw is holding him down and is about to strike with his right paw. Suddenly, the atheist shouts out "help me please god", then time just stops. The bears right paw has its claws out and was just starting his strike ad time stopped. God then says "as an atheist you constantly gave the credit for all of my work to evolution. But now you're life is on danger you ask for my help, are you a hypocrite?". The atheist says "fair point God, that would be rather hypocritical of me to seek your help at this point, but perhaps you could make the bear a christian?" "Very well" says God. The sounds of the forest returned, the bear looked down at the atheist, dropped down to 1 knee and said "Lord bless this food which I am about to receive from the bounty through Christ thee Lord, amen". Edited April 4, 2017 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 Maths gag alert. How does Donald Trump handle his integration problems? Grabs them by the plus c. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 "Somebody help me find my apples" the man cried fruitlessly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. ?Hey!? shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, ?I?m a panda. Google me!? Sure enough, panda: ?A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 Has anyone heard about Mickey Mouse's helicopter having issues recently? It disneyland Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 Paddy goes into a florist and says "I'd like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend" The florist looked at him, "Certainly sir, what is it your after?" "My hole" says Paddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dumpson Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I've spent the last 3 months in my garage building a motorbike out of spaghetti. My girlfriend just kept laughing at me saying it'll never work. She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 went to see the Red Arrows last weekend. There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh" But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 When the inventor of the USB socket dies, his coffin will be lowered half way into the grave, lifted out, turned around and then lowered again. or should that be....... ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. ?Hey!? shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, ?I?m a panda. Google me!? Sure enough, panda: ?A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.? A long term inmate of a mental hospital escaped. As he's running down the street he sees a laundromat, with two women inside doing laundry. Overcome with desire, he goes into the laundromat and has sex with both women, then flees. The newspaper headline next day was ... "Nut screws washers and bolts." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 2 fish in a tank. One says to the other "how the feck do you drive this thing?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 This is a true story. A truckload of lettuce was stolen yesterday in Hamilton, Ontario. The police are not normally known for their sense of humour, but they issued a statement asking for "everyone to romaine calm". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 I've told this I think. Why do women get periods? Cause they fecking deserve them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted April 5, 2017 Author Share Posted April 5, 2017 I've told this I think. Why do women get periods? Cause they fecking deserve them! Why do women wear make up and perfume? Cos they're ugly and smelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 How do you starve a Hibby? Hide his giro under his work boots. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 A long term inmate of a mental hospital escaped. As he's running down the street he sees a laundromat, with two women inside doing laundry. Overcome with desire, he goes into the laundromat and has sex with both women, then flees. The newspaper headline next day was ... "Nut screws washers and bolts." just destroyed my joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 Did you hear about the guy who invented 'knock-knock' jokes? He won a no-bell prize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 I came across your mother the other day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 Am elderly couple are sat in the front row of a packed church for the Sunday service. The wife turns to the husband and says "I've just let out a sole t fart, what should I do"? The husband replies "change the batteries in your hearing aid". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 2 guys were about to join a protest march that had a heavy police presence, all kitted out in full riot gear. They were discussing which carbonated juice would help keep the coppers peaceful and it turned out to be Pepsi. They found this out when the first guy goes to the front of the march and shouts out "who wants to buy some pepsi"? The police were calm and some even bought a few cans and shared a joke with the guy. The second guy tales his turn and shouts out "anyone want to buy some coke"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Worthing Jambo Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 What do you call a jobby that looks round corners? A keek Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 2 guys were about to join a protest march that had a heavy police presence, all kitted out in full riot gear. They were discussing which carbonated juice would help keep the coppers peaceful and it turned out to be Pepsi. They found this out when the first guy goes to the front of the march and shouts out "who wants to buy some pepsi"? The police were calm and some even bought a few cans and shared a joke with the guy. The second guy tales his turn and shouts out "anyone want to buy some coke"? Your slipping bud, did you just make that up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 Am elderly couple are sat in the front row of a packed church for the Sunday service. The wife turns to the husband and says "I've just let out a sole t fart, what should I do"? The husband replies "change the batteries in your hearing aid". Took a second or two due to the typo but Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 I opened a door and a 6 foot beetle punched me in the face. Apparently there is a nasty bug going about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 Did you hear the one about the Italian Action Man ? Came out the box with its hands up. Oh dear ! When I was young I got an empty box for Christmas. Got told it was an Action Man deserter kit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 Your slipping bud, did you just make that up Poor effort there from JKB's Les Dawson. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 (edited) What'd you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fecks funny! Edited April 8, 2017 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 My friend really changed when she became vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 (edited) An American guy went for a job interview and was asked to explain the 5 year gap in his cv. He said "that's when I went to Yale" The interviewer said "that's very impressive, you can start as soon as you can". The guy replies "yay, I've got a yob". Edited April 10, 2017 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Why do daddy trains and mummy trains not have lots of little baby trains? Because daddy trains pull out on time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 These United airline jokes need to stop. They're being dragged out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 United airlines will treat you like a king. Rodney King that is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 A guy phones his wife from work to tell her that his boss is taking him on a fishing trip to China for 7 days. He explains how this is a great opportunity to get the promotion in the office. He asks her to pack enough clothes for 7 days, including his best suits with 7 of his best shirts. He then asks her to leave everything on the bed, including his fishing rod and fishing box. He then remembers to ask her to pack his expensive silk pyjamas and says he'll see her when he finishes work but will only be home for half an hour before he leaves for his flight. She starts to get suspicious when she thinks of him packing his sexy silk pyjamas but thinks it's a great chance for him to get that promotion and pay rise so she obliges. A week later when he gets back she asks how was the trip and how was the fishing. He replies saying that he thinks he has a great chance for the promotion and the fishing was great. He caught 3 salmon, a couple of blue gill and a sword fish. He then asks why she never packed is nice silk pyjamas though. She said "I did, I put them in your fishing box". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 Jonno's golfing terminology. A Rodney King - Over clubbed. A Gynaecologist's Assistant- Shaved the Hole. An Adolf Hitler- 2 shots in a bunker. A Sally Gunnell - Not very pretty but a good runner. A shag yer Sister- it's up there but your not very proud of it. Not really bothered what anyone else thinks mate - that wee list made me laugh more than any of the jokes on this thread. Good stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 (edited) Jonno's golfing terminology. A Rodney King - Over clubbed. A Gynaecologist's Assistant- Shaved the Hole. An Adolf Hitler- 2 shots in a bunker. A Sally Gunnell - Not very pretty but a good runner. A shag yer Sister- it's up there but your not very proud of it. You missed...A Blondie - A fair crack up the middle That last one though jonno, deary dear Edited April 11, 2017 by luckyBatistuta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 You missed...A Blondie - A fair crack up the middle That last one though jonno, deary dear A Diego Maradona. A nasty little 5-footer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 A Diego Maradona. A nasty little 5-footer.m never heard that one before Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markphmfc Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 (edited) A Robert Maxwell...In the water A Paedo...In the short stuff (light rough) A Michael Schumacher...Off the lady's tee A Barbers Shop...Just off the fringe Just made these up Edited April 12, 2017 by luckyBatistuta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 You're a bad man........ you get the Schumacher one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Still trying to figure that one out.....bit I reckon it will be sick. Off the piss tee (piste) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 A Jason Cummings Sand wedge 10 yards over the flag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Stuart Lyons taxi trip - a shite drive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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