Maple Leaf Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife ?775 a week," "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself." Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her Maiden name A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because Ive still got mine The first one was definitely a lol. Superb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboz Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 (edited) Two football daft mates, Tam and Shuggy had always pondered whether or not you'd be able to play football in the afterlife. They made a pact that whoever passed on first would come back and tell the other if there was indeed football played in the afterlife. Unfortunately the day came that wee Shuggy passed away. His life was celebrated and he was duly buried. A couple of days later while he was still mourning the loss of his mate Tam was visited by the spirit of Shuggy. "Its yersel' Shuggy, I can't believe you came back, just like we always said. What can you tell me?" "Well I've got some good new and some bad news for you Tam" said Shuggy. "The good news that there is indeed a football team here in heaven" "Fantastic" cries Tam. "The bad news is your playing next Saturday" Edited March 15, 2017 by jamboz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 People think that just because I lived in a ghetto in the 80s that I should be walking around with a boombox on my shoulder, but I refuse to go with that stereotype. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Woman goes to the doctor. "Doc, I don't feel to well" The doctor examines her and say's "You have VD" The woman say's " I must have caught it from the toilet seat" The doctor say's " You must've been chewing it, as you've got it in the mouth" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 People think that just because I lived in a ghetto in the 80s that I should be walking around with a boombox on my shoulder, but I refuse to go with that stereotype. It's the way you tell 'em. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandyk Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Came home yesterday to find my cat dead in the washing machine. She must have claimed in before I started the load before going to work. I am gutted, but at least I can console myself that she died in comfort. Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Joe goes to the doctors and explains how he has had constant severe headaches for the past 20 years. The Dr examines him and says "the good news is I can cure this right now, unfortunately it involves castration. You see, your testicle are pressing against the base of your spine, which causes the chronic headaches". Joe thinks about it and says "I'll miss my plums and the pleasure they give me, but if it cures my headaches, i tshirts an easy choice, chop them off". The Dr gives him a local anaesthetic and deplums Joe. Instantly Joe feels better, the format time in 20 years with no headache. He decides to go for a walk down the high Street and treats himself. He goes into menswear store and decides to get fully kitted out. The elderly gentleman says " your shirt will be a 42 inch cheat with a 16.5 collar, I can tell without measuring as I've been in the business for 50 years. Your shoes are a size 9, I can tell as I've been in the business for 50 years. Your trousers are a 34 waist with a 33 inside leg, I can tell this as I've been in the business for 50 years. Your underwear will be a 34, I can tell this as I've been in the business for 50 years". Joe says "That's amazing, you got all of my sizes correct without measuring except my underwear, I'm a 32 in my pants. I've been wearing a 32 for the past 20 years" The elderly clothes fitter says "That's impossible, if you were wearing a 32 size pants, they old cause your balls to press against your spine and would cause a chronic, permanent headache". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 (edited) How can tell if a rabbit is a he or a she? Give it a carrot. If he eat it it's a he if she eats it it's a she Edited March 18, 2017 by rudi must stay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 What's the capital of France? F Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Welcome back Jack. A laugh much needed after that shite today. I heard that 1 a while ago but I was saving it for a day like today.My thumbs hurt after typing it out though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 A rich man fulfills a bucket list dream and goes to Pamplona for the fights. After the fights he goes to his reserved table at the finest restaurant in town. Next to him he sees two fine elderly gentlemen cutting into slices of meat the size of a large fillet. He asks the waiter to have what they're having. The waiter shakes his head and says, "Lo siento, Se?or, those are the testicles from the bullfights. You have to reserve those a year in advance." The man has had such a magical time he immediately asks to reserve them for next year, and makes plans to return. He skips the fights this time and goes straight to the restaurant. As the tray arrives, the sauce is the same, but the plate has a few slices on it the size of sliced carrots. Confused and a bit angry, he calls the waiter over, who tells him, "Lo siento, Se?or, but the bull doesn't always lose." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I was in toys r us this afternoon and seen a huge crowd of people standing in a long line. I asked a mber of staff what was going on and he told me that it was the barbie queue. Over an hour a stood in that line before I realised that I wouldn't be getting a burger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) A Dad buys his wee lassie a pet rabbit, within a week it's dead. He takes it to the vet and asks why it died. The vet asks what it's been fed on? The Dad says, Cheese on toast Sausage on toast Bacon on toast Beans on toast Egg on toast and Jam on toast, the vet says.... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ah, it died of mixamatoasties. Edited March 20, 2017 by Dawnrazor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Wee wife 'Darling,I was told I looked really sexy looking this morning.' Me. 'Sorry hunny but Amazon Alexa Echo doesn't count.' ....and that's how the fight started. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 A Dad buys his wee lassie a pet rabbit, within a week it's dead. He takes it to the vet and asks why it died. The vet asks what it's been fed on? The Dad says, Cheese on toast Sausage on toast Bacon on toast Beans on toast Egg on toast and Jam on toast, the vet says.... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ah, it died of mixamatoasties. Ffs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 Fair effort mate! Billy the Cannibal away on Holiday for a week in Spain his mate Bobby picks him up on his way back at the airport and is waiting for him in the Arrival Hall, Billy appears but is limping and half his nose is missing his ears are missing and he only has 1 hand and has only 1 eye What the Hell happened to you ,well it was a nightmare arrived at the Hotel and guess what I was double booked there was no rooms left so they put me up in a Self Catering Apartment Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 It is competition day on Forth Radio and the prize on offer is a 10-day all-expenses paid holliday for two in Bali. The winner needs to name a word commonly used in Scotland but that is not in any dictionary. The first caller comes on the line: "OK, caller, what is your first name and where are you from?" "It's Jason, from Lochend." "OK, Jason from Lochend, what is your word and spell it" "Goan, G-O-A-N." "OK, that is not in the dictionary, can you give me a sentence it could be used in?" "Goan **** yourself." The presenter ends the call in disgust. A few minutes later there is a new caller. "OK, caller, what is your first name and where are you from?" "It's Grant, from Leith." "OK, Grant from Leith, what is your word and spell it" "Smee, S-M-E-E." "OK, that is not in the dictionary, can you give me a sentence it could be used in?" "Smee again, goan **** yourself"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 It is competition day on Forth Radio and the prize on offer is a 10-day all-expenses paid holliday for two in Bali. The winner needs to name a word commonly used in Scotland but that is not in any dictionary. The first caller comes on the line: "OK, caller, what is your first name and where are you from?" "It's Jason, from Lochend." "OK, Jason from Lochend, what is your word and spell it" "Goan, G-O-A-N." "OK, that is not in the dictionary, can you give me a sentence it could be used in?" "Goan **** yourself." The presenter ends the call in disgust. A few minutes later there is a new caller. "OK, caller, what is your first name and where are you from?" "It's Grant, from Leith." "OK, Grant from Leith, what is your word and spell it" "Smee, S-M-E-E." "OK, that is not in the dictionary, can you give me a sentence it could be used in?" "Smee again, goan **** yourself"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 It is competition day on Forth Radio and the prize on offer is a 10-day all-expenses paid holliday for two in Bali. The winner needs to name a word commonly used in Scotland but that is not in any dictionary. The first caller comes on the line: "OK, caller, what is your first name and where are you from?" "It's Jason, from Lochend." "OK, Jason from Lochend, what is your word and spell it" "Goan, G-O-A-N." "OK, that is not in the dictionary, can you give me a sentence it could be used in?" "Goan **** yourself." The presenter ends the call in disgust. A few minutes later there is a new caller. "OK, caller, what is your first name and where are you from?" "It's Grant, from Leith." "OK, Grant from Leith, what is your word and spell it" "Smee, S-M-E-E." "OK, that is not in the dictionary, can you give me a sentence it could be used in?" "Smee again, goan **** yourself"... Very good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
euan1874 Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) A two parter that my 7 year old told me..... Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A:To see the idiot Knock knock Who's there The chicken....... Edited March 23, 2017 by euan1874 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 A two parter that my 7 year old told me..... Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A:To see the idiot Knock knock Who's there The chicken....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted March 23, 2017 Share Posted March 23, 2017 The poster above phoned Forth 1 radio station today. When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize." "Great!" he shouted in delight. "It's a Maths question,"he said. "Feeling confident?" "I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school,"he proudly replied. "Okay then,to win 2 VIP tickets to see Hibernian play and to meet their manager Neil Lennon and his players after the game, what's 2+2?" "7," he replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 I saw a homeless guy eating grass this afternoon and I asked him why he was eating grass. "I'm very hungry". "Oh, ok then, come with me". You should have seen his face when he seen my garden. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott herbertson Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 One from my wee brother A man is praying and suddenly God says 'Hi,' This is a great opportunity so he says ?God, how long is a million years to you?? "A million years is like a minute.? Then, the man asks, ?God, how much is a million dollars to you?? ,?A million dollars is like a penny, ? "God, could you give me a penny?? ?Sure, just give me a minute." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I've only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me. O V N R. (There's every chance I've posted that one before. I was just reminded of it tonight) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I've only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me. O V N R. (There's every chance I've posted that one before. I was just reminded of it tonight) Like it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I've only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me. O V N R. (There's every chance I've posted that one before. I was just reminded of it tonight) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I've only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me. O V N R. (There's every chance I've posted that one before. I was just reminded of it tonight) I was like 'O, V, N, R' '? 'O, V, N, R'? Then the penny dropped! Good one :clap: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott herbertson Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I was like 'O, V, N, R' '? 'O, V, N, R'? Then the penny dropped! Good one :clap: It meant nothing to you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 It meant nothing to you? Not at first Scott, no. Ure obviously more Slik at things like that than me. It was all Austrian to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 A photographer is talking to the photo editor at the Daily Record building in Glasgow and says: "Did you see that broken down old woman that has been begging outside the main door for the last three weeks? I just realised today it is my mother." "Really? Did you give her anything?" "Yes, 250th of a second at f8." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen." I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. "Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Hell, yes! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Yesterday my neighbour played the same Lionel Richie song over and over. I wouldn't normally mind but it was all night long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About eight pints of beer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 (edited) When I was in Scotland over the summer, I walked into a pub and told the barman loudly that I knew a great joke about Hibs fans. The barman looked at me and said, "now before you tell it, you might want to know I'm a Hibs fan myself. And see the bouncer there, he's Hibs too. And those two big lads down at the end of the bar, they're Hibees as well. Now, are you sure you want to tell that joke?" "Well no," I said, "not if I'm going to have to explain it four times." Edited March 30, 2017 by Ugly American Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 When I was in Scotland over the summer, I walked into a pub and told the barman loudly that I knew a great joke about Hibs fans. The barman looked at me and said, "now before you tell it, you might want to know I'm a Hibs fan myself. And see the bouncer there, he's Hibs too. And those two big lads down at the end of the bar, they're Hibees as well. Now, are you sure you want to tell that joke?" "Well no," I said, "not if I'm going to have to explain it four times." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 When I was in Scotland over the summer, I walked into a pub and told the barman loudly that I knew a great joke about Hibs fans. The barman looked at me and said, "now before you tell it, you might want to know I'm a Hibs fan myself. And see the bouncer there, he's Hibs too. And those two big lads down at the end of the bar, they're Hibees as well. Now, are you sure you want to tell that joke?" "Well no," I said, "not if I'm going to have to explain it four times." That's a belter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
been here before Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 The difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's an Australian marsupial and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyprus Jambo Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Got sent these today - sorry!!! 1 What?s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. ? ?Dave-Stark 2 I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said ?Thanks? I said ?Don?t mention it? ? ?3shirts 3 I bought the world?s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it?s terrible. ? ?Rndomguytf 4 This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. ? ?WikiWantsYourPics 5 My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said ?40? ? ?3shirts 6 What?s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. ? ?Melchiah_III 7 I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. ? ?megan_james 8 I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo. ? ?kailey_sara 9 I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it. ? ?kate_winslat 10 I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don?t know what he laced them with, but I?ve been tripping all day. ? ?ImHully 11 Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says ?I think we got this joke wrong? ? ?Moltenfirez 12 My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. ? ?Spysquirrel 13 What?s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. ? ?alosercalledsusie 14 I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer. ? ?PM_ME_TINY_DINOSAURS 15 My friend says to me: ?what rhymes with orange? I said: ?no it doesn?t? ? ?DinosRoar1 16 And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster. ? ?PM-SOME- 17 How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One? or two? ? ?Undescended_testicle 18 What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW ? ?Tetragon213 19 Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn?t see that well. ? ?rangers_fan2 20 Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope. ? ?Sooowhatisthis 21 What?s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. ? ?BiffWhistler 22 What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador. ? ?leahcure 23 So what if I don?t know what Armageddon means? It?s not the end of the world ? ?Jefferncfc 24 I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs ? ?breadman666 25 A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair. ? ?ImHully 26 How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west. ? ?fireworkslass 27 I?ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It?s shift work ? ?3shirts 28 Wife says to her programmer husband, ?Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.? Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread. ? ?SuperFreakyNaughty 29 Communism jokes aren?t funny unless everyone gets them ? ?-georgie 30 What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey ? ?Wicked_Wanderer 31 What do the movies Titanic and the sixth sense have in common. Icy dead people ? ?mysevenyearitch 32 I used to be addicted to soap, but now I?m clean? ? ?VictorBlimpmuscle 33 What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish ? ?3shirts 34 Knock Knock Who?s There? Dishes Dishes Who? Dishes Sean Connery ? ?Birdie_Num_Num 35 Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They?re making headlines. ? ?Deerhoof_Fan 36 I couldn?t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. ? ?KaboomBoxer 37 Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other ?I need you to help me get to the other side!? The other guy replies ?You are on the other side!? ? ?The2ndKingInTheNorth 38 Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood? ? ?venus_w 39 My friends say there?s a gay guy in our circle of friends? I really hope it?s Todd, he?s cute. ? ?-917- 40 I?ve been told I?m condescending. (that means I talk down to people) ? ?iblinkyoublink 41 Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender says ?Pal, if you want a punch you?ll have to stand in line? Guy looks around, but there is no punch line. ? ?justacheesyguy 42 Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. ? ?RayBrower 43 People in Dubai don?t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do! ? ?stevenmc 44 Why don?t ants get sick? Because they have little antybodies. ? ?bonanzoid 45 How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool. ? ?plax1780 46 What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg. ? ?mariana_m 47 A dyslexic man walks into a bra ? ?Ramundo312 48 Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you?re a mile away and have their shoes. ? ?BoxxerUOP 49 What?s ET short for? He?s only got little legs. ? ?3shirts 50 What?s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyprus Jambo Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Well the cut and paste was rubbish!!!! Hopefully still readable Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Des' Dad Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 My mate suffers from depression so I gave him an Army Colouring Book for his birthday. When he feels sad now at least he'll have a soldier to crayon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alwaysthereinspirit Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Well the cut and paste was rubbish!!!! Hopefully still readable I laughed out loud at #9. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 The wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 When I was at school my physics teacher said that I had potential,so he threw me off the roof. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 I am trying but..... its a science joke so dont strain yourself Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 I am trying but..... I got it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Aye very good Heinz feckin Wolf. It's Heinz Wolff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Why should you never buy Ukrainian underpants? 'Cos Chernobyl fall out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Why should you never buy Ukrainian underpants? 'Cos Chernobyl fall out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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