Unknown user Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a ladies' relay team? One's a bunch of cunning runts. I forget the rest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 How does Noel Gallacher have a fish supper? He has a roll with it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 Stranger walks into a bar in Glasgow and notices that it is full of some of the most ugly men he has ever seen. The ugliest - I mean the most humunguously ugly - one of all is sitting in the corner surrounded by women. Women of all ages, all drop-dead gorgeous, are hanging on every word. Bloke says to barman, "What is his secret?" Barman says, "Don't know, he justs sits there all night licking his eyebrows." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 George Dubya was sitting in the Oval Office when in rushed an aide "Mr president, there's been a bomb in Rio De Janeiro, 14 brazilian people are dead!" "My god that's awful" said Bush, then after a second's thought "How many is a brazilian?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 George Dubya was sitting in the Oval Office when in rushed an aide "Mr president, there's been a bomb in Rio De Janeiro, 14 brazilian people are dead!" "My god that's awful" said Bush, then after a second's thought "How many is a brazilian?" This joke all at the same time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 This joke all at the same time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 George Bush is visiting Britain and decides to spend the day talking to kids in a primary school. He walks into a classroom and tells the kids that they can each ask him one question. One boy asks 'what is your aeroplane called?' 'Airforce one' replied the president Little Tommy ask "How come all those people were held in Guantanamo Bay without trial?" Before the president can answer the bell rings and the kids all troop to the canteen where they have lunch. After lunch the kids return and the president continues answering questions. One little girl asks "can I ask 2 questions?" "Of course" replies the president "Ok, first, how come the lunch bell rang at 9:30 and secondly, where the **** is Tommy?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 My fairy godmother asked me if I would rather have a long penis or a long memory. I can't remember my response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuart500 Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 What is the difference between a nun and a woman in the bath? One has hope in her soul.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a ladies' relay team? One's a bunch of cunning runts. I forget the rest What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon? A magician's wand is for cunning stunts..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horatio Caine Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 What is the difference between a nun and a woman in the bath? One has hope in her soul.... You were listening to Tam Cowan on Saturday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroonlegions Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs."It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.""Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!""Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then.""What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroonlegions Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I didn't realise Alan Stubbs used to be a teacher but he was sacked as he couldn't control his pupils. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) Guy is stopped for speeding. The policeman approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem, Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "She's in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?" The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying b*****d told you I was speeding, too!" Edited October 2, 2015 by Harry's Roar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BananaStand Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I didn't realise Alan Stubbs used to be a teacher but he was sacked as he couldn't control his pupils. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HHGH1874FTH Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Guy is stopped for speeding. The policeman approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem, Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "She's in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?" The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying b*****d told you I was speeding, too!" It's a cracker[emoji106] Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Bereavement Leave indicates a lunch hour. Lunch Break indicates a maximum 30 minutes. Must try harder 9gag.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 "Hello. This is Microsoft support. How may I help you?" "Eggshell." "Eggshell?" "Yesh." "Oh, hello again, Mr Connery. Spreadsheet problems?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroonlegions Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Bereavement Leave indicates a lunch hour. Lunch Break indicates a maximum 30 minutes. Must try harder 9gag.com 40 for my lunch break as for picking holes in a joke, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuart500 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 You were listening to Tam Cowan on Saturday! Actually wasn't. That's a truly ancient joke from way back before Tam Cowan. Witty guy though he is he can't take credit for that one . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 What happens if you cross Islam with Capitalism? No more jokes about the profit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 What happens if you cross Islam with Capitalism? No more jokes about the profit. Ooh I like that. Reminds me.. Know how they found iron? They smelt it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slevinkelevra Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend??? Wiped his arse... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I was getting a gift for your mother, but I wondered what to get a woman who has everything? So I got her penicillin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stu Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 My mates pet mouse called Elvis died the other day. It was caught in a trap... Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neilson's Shank Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Got a new bookcase to accomodate the "Complete Works of Dusty Springfield" that I ordered from Amazon. Called, they said they said they would no longer stock it. I Don't Know What to Do With My Shelf Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neilson's Shank Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Gag from a guyat work Wish I hada 12 inch dick, not this big clumsy thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I came across your mother the other day . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Did you see on the news about the armed robber who was caught because his stutter caused him to take too long asking for the money to be handed over? He has been given five years but I dont think he'll finish that sentence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slevinkelevra Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 My Mrs asked me to stop singing the words to wonderwall constantly..... I said maybe... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 A man and his wife went to the doctor. The husband told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. The doctor checked his blood pressure and ran some other tests, then took the woman to a cubicle behind his office and asked her to undress completely. He asked her to turn around slowly, which she did, and then turn around in the other direction. Finally he said 'OK, come back out when you are dressed'. Whilst she was getting dressed the doctor said to the man, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 A petrol station owner in a small town was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read..... ?Free Sex with Fill-Up? Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, ?You were very close, the number was 7. Sorry... No sex this time.? A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, ?Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.? As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, ?I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.? Paddy replied,?No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all, the wife won twice last week!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde thinks for a moment and replies, "How do you give shoulders?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in marriage counseling, and were in for a follow-up. The therapist turns to Mickey and says, "I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse, but we've done a psychiatric evaluation on Mrs. Mouse, and there's no evidence to support your claim that she's crazy." Mickey angrily responds, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was ****ing Goofy!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 So I ordered a book from Amazon entitled "How to have nothing to do with your neighbours". I wasn't in when the courier delivered it..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde thinks for a moment and replies, "How do you give shoulders?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in marriage counseling, and were in for a follow-up. The therapist turns to Mickey and says, "I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse, but we've done a psychiatric evaluation on Mrs. Mouse, and there's no evidence to support your claim that she's crazy." Mickey angrily responds, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was ******* Goofy!" nice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Shetlander". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Shetland crofter. Suddenly the old man flipped back his oilskins, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Shetlander was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Shetlander". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Shetlander stood before them, then suddenly flipped back his oilskin breeks and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the old Shetlander. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Weel, du sees," said the Shetlander, "Me eyes ir no whit dey used tae be!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debut 4 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) Robbie Neilson and Alan Stubbs go into a brothel together. As they walk in RN looks at the price list behind the girl sitting at the foyer table. "?30 for a wnak!" ... RN says in an questionable tone....the girl says .."aye, what's wrong with that?"... RN replies, "how much will it be for me?" ... Edited October 9, 2015 by Debut 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 There is a printer at my work called the Bob Marley Printer. It keeps on jamming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Shetlander". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Shetland crofter. Suddenly the old man flipped back his oilskins, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Shetlander was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Shetlander". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Shetlander stood before them, then suddenly flipped back his oilskin breeks and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the old Shetlander. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Weel, du sees," said the Shetlander, "Me eyes ir no whit dey used tae be!" Brillyunt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 A guy visits the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've got one baw bigger than the other." The doctor says, " if you place your testicles on the table, I'll have a look". The guy undoes his trousers and after a bit of a struggle, heaves a rather big bollock onto the table. The doctor taps it with his pen and says, " Its not that unusual, you know. Lots of men have one testicle larger than the other." The guy says, "Could you give me a lift with the other one?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Since Lemongrab started it: Bloke with three baws reckoned he was on to a good thing. He would say to other blokes "I bet we have five baws between us". And of course he would win his bet. One day he sees a weedy looking young nerd and says "I bet we have five baws between us". And the nerd looks at him and says, "Why? have you only got one?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 How do you confuse an Irishman? Tell him you have 11 fingers,when he says 'how's dat den'? Count backwards. 10 9 8 7 6 and 5 make 11. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 My First Condom. I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for. She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Then she beat the sh!t out of me. Women have always been hard for me to figure out !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" Lone Ranger said, "I do......why?" Cowboy said, I just thought you'd like to know your horse is almost dead." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got Silver some water and soon he was feeling better. Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel much better." Tonto said, "sure, Kemasabe", and took off running circles around Silver while Lone Ranger goes back in bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later another cowboy struts into the bar and asks. "Who owns the big white horse outside." The Lone Ranger claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says, "Nuthin, but you left your Injun runnin." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 An Aberdeen farmer appears in court for having sex with a sheep, the judge listens to all the evidence, and on giving his verdict he said to the farmer " how low can you go " the farmer replied a Jack Russell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Stevie Wonder was playing a show in Japan. After playing a few songs, he then asked the audience for requests. One man stood up and shouted "play a jazz chord!". Stevie thought it was strange, but keyed a single, complex chord on piano and asked "is that what you wanted" "No, play a jazz chord!" Stevie then decided to expand on this, so played a short but very strange, meandering piece of music with a few jazz chords. "No no no, play a jazz chord!" Stevie then starts getting pissed off. He starts playing every single conceivable jazz pattern he can think of without any regard for whether people like it or not. He played it in the most jazzed up manner possible in the hopes that this fan would finally be happy. "No, no, nonono. Nooo! Play a jazz chord" A jazz chooord!" Stevie had enough: "God ****ing dammit, I have played every single bit of jazz I know!!! If you're not happy, then why don't you get up and play???" Up steps the japanese man. He walks up to the microphone and softly sings "A jazz chord, to shay, I ruv you.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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