I P Knightley Posted September 28, 2021 Share Posted September 28, 2021 For those of you who remember the last winter of discontent... What's the difference between petrol and paraffin? There's 2 Fs in paraffin but there's no F in petrol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted September 29, 2021 Share Posted September 29, 2021 On 17/09/2021 at 18:56, My half sister said: Just the one? not wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted September 29, 2021 Share Posted September 29, 2021 These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." And off she went. Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky 'egg'lige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted September 29, 2021 Share Posted September 29, 2021 Whos the funniest footballer Ryan Giggles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beni Posted September 30, 2021 Share Posted September 30, 2021 Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jack D and coke Posted September 30, 2021 Share Posted September 30, 2021 On 03/09/2020 at 20:57, superjack said: Me and the wife were out for a meal. The waitress came over and asked if we were ready to order. I told her that the wife was in the toilet. Waitress asked if I knew what she was having. I said, well she's been 10 minutes so probably a shite. On 04/09/2020 at 09:59, narre said: I was speaking to a Chinese bloke in the pub the other night. I asked him what he does for a living and he said, "I'm a Pirate." I said, "Oh, you sail on a boat? " He replied, "No, I fry pranes!" Right up my street these Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboy1982 Posted September 30, 2021 Share Posted September 30, 2021 Went to get the playing cards out earlier and found that my wife had super glued them all together. I thought ‘I can’t deal with this’ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 1, 2021 Share Posted October 1, 2021 A white haired man walked into a jewellery shop one Friday evening with a beautiful blonde on his arm. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller checked his stock and brought out a £1,500 ring. The old man said he would like to see something more special. The jeweller returned with a £20,000 ring and the young lady's eyes lit up. The old man seeing this said 'we'll take it'. The jeweller then asked about how payment would be made and it was agreed he would pay by cheque, return on the Monday afternoon to collect the ring once the bank verified funds. On the Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man and told him there's no money in that account. The old man said 'I know, but let me tell you about my weekend'! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Auldbenches Posted October 1, 2021 Share Posted October 1, 2021 13 hours ago, jack D and coke said: Right up my street these As Jimmy Carr said Razy Lacism. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 1, 2021 Share Posted October 1, 2021 I went to the local pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if they sold Benylin? "For cough?" he said. "Alright mate I only ****ing asked!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 1, 2021 Share Posted October 1, 2021 I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself... I should really get a dog! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 1, 2021 Share Posted October 1, 2021 What's the difference between paraffin and petrol? There's two f's in paraffin, but no effin petrol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 1, 2021 Share Posted October 1, 2021 That moment when you slide the condom on and look at yourself in the mirror with a raging hardon... Then you tell the chemist "I’ll take it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 1, 2021 Share Posted October 1, 2021 Whilst on a ladder putting a cinema poster up, a lady came to me and asked, "Is King Kong coming?" I said, "No it's just the paste off my brush!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 1, 2021 Share Posted October 1, 2021 I don't know what they are teaching kids at school these days… Half can't read, half can't write and the other half can't add! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted October 2, 2021 Share Posted October 2, 2021 On 30/09/2021 at 17:30, Beni said: Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil. 😂😂😂😂😂 On 30/09/2021 at 20:31, jamboy1982 said: Went to get the playing cards out earlier and found that my wife had super glued them all together. I thought ‘I can’t deal with this’ 👍👍👍 14 hours ago, narre said: I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself... I should really get a dog! 😂😂 14 hours ago, narre said: I don't know what they are teaching kids at school these days… Half can't read, half can't write and the other half can't add! 😂😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 4, 2021 Share Posted October 4, 2021 So I saw this bloke by the shops dressed as Henry VIII. He was sitting in the doorway asking people for money. I thought, that can't be right - Beggars can't be Tudors? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 I was talking to this woman in a club. She said, "I get horny every time I hear something sexual. It's weird I know. Anyway, what's your name?" I replied, "Sir BJ Anal the 69th!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 People who refuse to believe I'm an expert at yoga can kiss my arse… And so can I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 My mate had two watches stolen from his hotel room in Spain… Adios Omegas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 I was ironing in front of my front room window, wearing nothing but nappies and a gas mask the other day. I'm lucky nobody saw me, imagine the embarrassment - me, a full grown man... ...Ironing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 I've started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines... Prophets are going through the roof! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 Grandpa found Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet and asked if he could try one. The son said, "I don't know, they're very strong and expensive." "How much?" he asked. “£10 a pill,” the son said. "I don't care. I'll try one, and leave the money under your pillow.” The next morning the son found £110.00 under his pillow. He tells Grandpa, "I said each pill was £10.00, not £110.00." "I know, Grandpa replies, "the £100 is from grandma". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 8, 2021 Share Posted October 8, 2021 Definitely some high quality jokes this week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted October 9, 2021 Share Posted October 9, 2021 I have a friend who's nickname is shagger. She fecking hates it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted October 9, 2021 Share Posted October 9, 2021 My wife thinks I have a gambling addiction. I've got £50 that says she's wrong Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 9, 2021 Share Posted October 9, 2021 While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "My guess is that she's still in the ditch." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 I can't believe how rude the guy manning the suppository helpline was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted October 11, 2021 Author Share Posted October 11, 2021 2 minutes ago, dougal said: I can't believe how rude the guy manning the suppository helpline was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 7 minutes ago, dougal said: I can't believe how rude the guy manning the suppository helpline was. Very clever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muldoon74 Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 Why did the pervert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chickens arse.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 12, 2021 Share Posted October 12, 2021 I was at the zoo the other day and went to watch the monkeys w*nking. Then I went to watch the lions. I was still w*nking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 15 minutes ago, superjack said: A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” 😂😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 17, 2021 Share Posted October 17, 2021 I'm posting the picture 'cos I'm not taking responsibility for this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, funny thing, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "you've got a drink named Larry?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 Two elderly men, a Hearts and a Hibs fan, are walking down the street where they live. An old dog who lives on the block is out on the stoop, and bends over and starts licking himself on the balls. The Hearts fan says, "hey, wouldn't it be great to be able to do that?" The Hibs fan says, "I know what you mean, but the last time I tried it he barked and then bit me in the face." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 22, 2021 Share Posted October 22, 2021 Christmas is coming. What do you get the woman who already has everything? Penicillin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 23, 2021 Share Posted October 23, 2021 My mother in law and myself never got on, it was loggerheads everytime we met, one day she said "when i die i will climb out my grave and haunt you" Well she evenualy did die I buried her face down, let her dig Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 24, 2021 Share Posted October 24, 2021 What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 On 23/10/2021 at 21:22, superjack said: My mother in law and myself never got on, it was loggerheads everytime we met, one day she said "when i die i will climb out my grave and haunt you" Well she evenualy did die I buried her face down, let her dig Thanks for the tip! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 A man is out walking his dog when the Man Utd score comes in, 5-0 to Liverpool. The dog bares his teeth, growls & goes into a frenzied rage. A passer by see this & asks, "Jesus what does the dog do if Man Utd win?" "I don’t know," says the man. "I've only had it since August!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 I'm so unlucky in love... I once dated a blind girl who said she was seeing someone else! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal. You go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy." I replied, "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as your knob when you're thinking about me naked." I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 Been offered a job shaving ladies front bottoms.. Its £10 an hour, Gash in hand! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 Alfred Clampitt, a six foot 4 inch, hairy drunk who has halitosis, BO, dandruff, fleas and a nasty temper, was named by police today as Britain's most unwanted man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CostaJambo Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 What do the donkeys on Blackpool Beach get for lunch? About 45 minutes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 I started a pessimism jar. It's like a swear jar where you put money in if you have negative thoughts. I've only had it a couple of days and it's already half empty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted October 25, 2021 Share Posted October 25, 2021 (edited) Wrong feckin' thread..... Edited October 25, 2021 by Ulysses Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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