narre Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 My wife said she's leaving me because I can't do anything right when it comes to housework… Selfish cow! Took me hours to mop that carpet! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 (edited) Did you here about the animal loving man who was dyslexic and suffered from insomnia. He lay awake all night wondering if there was really was a dog. Edited July 18, 2021 by Robbo-Jambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 Boobs are like the sun! Taking a quick look is fine, but staring isn't... Then again, that's what sunglasses are for! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 🤣🤣🤣🤣 An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” she said. ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is for $50.00.” “That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 3 hours ago, superjack said: 🤣🤣🤣🤣 An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.” The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” she said. ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said. “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is for $50.00.” “That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex", he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree" Horrified, she said" Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly". She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. " You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?" "First, check for bees" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 Earlier tonight I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink… I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?” “I was thinking about my own funeral,” the man replied. “What’s so funny about that?” “I’m a gynecologist.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine. The solar panel says, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?" The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 When I was a teenager my parents encouraged me to buy more books... I preferred to splash out on magazines though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 Watching the Olympics and said to missus. "my old mum went to West Indies but can't remember where" "Jamaica?" "no she wanted to" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 There's a new TV show starring Judi Dench The frown Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 On 09/07/2021 at 23:11, narre said: I'lll never forget the day I met my wife at a Fancy Dress party. She was stood there looking gorgeous and slim next to her fat mate. They'd gone together dressed as the number 10... I knew then, she was the one! This is a very clever joke well done young man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 On 23/07/2021 at 18:53, LeftBack said: Watching the Olympics and said to missus. "my old mum went to West Indies but can't remember where" "Jamaica?" "no she wanted to" Could you find out whether that was before or after she visited the extreme north west of North America? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 1 hour ago, jonesy said: And hurry up with the answer. You might want to Russia. I'm also wondering how she got from there to the capital of Indonesia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 o man we are into the puns Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
151 Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 Seen this on FB... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 1 hour ago, 151 said: Seen this on FB... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violater Posted July 27, 2021 Share Posted July 27, 2021 Seen a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay at Tesco today. I wonder what his handicap was!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 I went speed dating once… "Have you got any pets?" one girl asked. "Yeah, a goldfish." "Any hobbies?" she said. "Yes. He loves swimming!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 I took my young son camping at the weekend. As we sat around the fire he said, "I need a shit." I said, "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere & you can't get into trouble." He walked off & came back a few minutes later. "Where did you have one?" "In your car!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 Sick and tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made... What do they want? A ****ing medal? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 28, 2021 Share Posted July 28, 2021 EVERYONE KNOWS DAVE... Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Biden," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Me and Joe are old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. and barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!” The owner responds "Genius, my arse! That's the second time this week he's forgotten his key !!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kennyfragg13 Posted July 31, 2021 Share Posted July 31, 2021 There was a horrible incident near where I live recently,police were called when two down and outs were spotted acting strangely ,when police arrived they caught 1 drinking car battery acid,the other was eating fireworks,in the end they charged 1 and let the other guy off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 5, 2021 Share Posted August 5, 2021 Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease. She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children. Mary finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?" Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted August 6, 2021 Share Posted August 6, 2021 5 hours ago, superjack said: Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease. She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children. Mary finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?" Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel." That's a good joke. I first heard it around 1963, and in that version Margaret's reply was a simple "No", which I think is better. Let the listener figure it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted August 6, 2021 Share Posted August 6, 2021 I just saw the Olympics there It raced right past me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 13, 2021 Share Posted August 13, 2021 So I was in a restaurant last night and I ordered Napoleon chicken for the first time. When It came there was no meat just the carcass. I said to the waitress: "What's this?!!" "She said: "It's the boney part". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 14, 2021 Share Posted August 14, 2021 Did you here about the ghost that lived in a dildo factory? It gave everyone the willies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 15, 2021 Share Posted August 15, 2021 I noticed the other day my credit card was missing. I finally tracked it down -the kids next door stole it to pay for their mums boob job… Just wait till I get my hands on them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 15, 2021 Share Posted August 15, 2021 If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for? Plastic Explosive! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 15, 2021 Share Posted August 15, 2021 If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 15, 2021 Share Posted August 15, 2021 A sheep in a swimsuit just drove past me... It was a lamb bikini! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 15, 2021 Share Posted August 15, 2021 A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, "Is this stool taken? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted August 15, 2021 Share Posted August 15, 2021 A Welsh bloke persuades his girfriend to try anal for the first time. He says, "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word and I'll stop. " She says, "OK, what's the safety word?" "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel eyes Posted August 17, 2021 Share Posted August 17, 2021 A woman is browsing a pet shop when she suddenly sees 3 parrots for sale. The first 2 are £200 each but the 3rd one is only £10. "Why is that parrot so cheap" she asked the owner...... The shopkeeper replies "It's because he used to live in a brothel." Thinking this funny, the woman buys the parrot and takes it home. On entering the house the parrot says "**** me! A new brothel!" The woman laughs Her 2 daughters then enter the room and the parrot says "**** me! New girls!!!" All 3 women burst out laughing..... The husband hears this and walks into the room and the parrot says. "**** me Keith.... Long time no see!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott herbertson Posted August 19, 2021 Share Posted August 19, 2021 It’s our anniversary today. We were surprised to receive a bunch of flowers with the heads cut off. I think we’re being stalked! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted August 19, 2021 Share Posted August 19, 2021 What did the robot say to the petrol pump? Take your finger out your ear when I'm walking to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted August 19, 2021 Share Posted August 19, 2021 Who was the leader of the Huns? Ghengis Khan Oops wrong thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted August 19, 2021 Share Posted August 19, 2021 Did you hear about the jiving Dutchman? He popped his clogs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spud Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 There's a mid west US town and nothing ever happens. One Monday mornig the town wakes to find posters every where "Next Thursday at 8pm in the Town Hall "THE FAITH HEALER". The next Thursday the TownHall is packed out and its brilliant - there's a choir and a band and singing and everyone's having a great time. At 9pm, the lights are dimmed and the place goes quiet and the Faith Healer walks onto the stage. "Is there anyone here who needs healing? he asks in a deep voice. There is some shuffling in the crowd and a guy about 20 makes his way to the stage. He's terribly disfigured and has crutches to help him walk but he's helped onto the stage. "Tell me your name and what happened" demands the faith healer. "Hello, my names Gordon and two years ago I was in a car crash and the surgeons tried their best but they say they can't do anymore" "Do you believe? asks The Faith Healer "Yes" replies Gordon and the Faith Healer tells him to go behind the curtain. "Is there anyone else with an affliction" says the The Faith Healer and another guy comes on stage. "Hello my nameth Billy and thinth I thtarted to thpeak, I've had a really bad thpeech impediment" "Do you believe? asks The Faith Healer "Yeth" replies Billy and the Faith Healer tells him to go behind the curtain. There is a long drum roll followed by silence for over a minute. Then the Fiath Healer shouts "Gordon throw away one of your crutches" A crutch come flying over the curtain and the crowd gasps. Then the Fiath Healer shouts "Gordon throw away the second of your crutches" The second crutch comes flying over the curtain and again the crowd gasps. Then the Fiath Healer shouts "Billy, speak to me" and Billy says "Gordonth fallen over". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 Did you hear about the Irish paper shop? It blew away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spud Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 During WWII at an airbase in France, the officers bar ia packed full of women all there to see Jean-Claude zee greatest fighter pilot in the French-Canadian Airforce and they say zee lover supreme. When Jean-Claude arrives the women gasp in delight but Jean-Claude ignores them. He orders a drink instead. As closing time approaches, Jean-Claude turns to look at the women. Suddenly he points at one and says "You, I will take you home tonight". When they get to Jean-Claude's home, Jean-Claude throws the girl roughly onto the bed and rips off her blouse. He then opens a bottle of red wine and pours it all over the girl's breasts, bends down and licks the wine up. The girl is aroused and shouts "Jean-Claude, take me now." but Jean-Claude says "I am Jean-Claude, zee greatest fighter pilot in zee French-Canadian Airforce when take you when I'm ready. He then opens a bottle of champagne and pours the contents over the girls stomach and starts to lick it up. The girl is delirious with passion now and repeatedly shouts "Oh Jean-Claude, take me now" but Jean-Claude says "I am Jean-Claude, zee greatest fighter pilot in zee French-Canadian Airforce when take you when I'm ready. Then Jean-Claude says rips off the girls panties and opens a bottle of vintage French cognac. He then pours it liberally over her. The girl is beyond deliriousnesss, when Jean-Claude strikes a match and throws it towards her. The girl is distraught "What are you doing, Jean-Claude? she demands. Jean-Claude replies "When I go down, I go down in flames" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 (edited) Paddy and Mick arrive at their tribunal for industrial deafness compensation. First up Mick enters the room and as he enters,, the evaluator asks "Shut the door" so Mick shuts the door. Quick as a flash the evaluator says" You're not deaf, get out". So Mick walks out and goes towards paddy, face tripping him. Paddy asks" What happened" Mick says " Whatever you do, don't shut the door" So its now Paddy's turn to go in and as he goes in the evaluator asks "Shut the door" and Paddy replies " Feck off, do it yourself". Edited August 20, 2021 by ri Alban Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 Did you hear about the bloke who’s tractor left him? He woke up one morning to a John Deere letter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 When one door closes, another one opens. Aside from that, it's quite a good car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fxxx the SPFL Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 Paddy and Mick walking along the road after a session in the pub Mick trips and smacks his head on the kerb blood everywhere a bystander shouts at Paddy support his head Paddy starts shouting Mick’s head 👏👏👏 Mick’s head 👏👏👏 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 Why did @**** the SPFLfall out of his window? He was trying to iron his curtains. Why did @ri Albanburn his ear and fall out of his window? Someone phoned him while he was ironing his curtains. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 [Insert member group you want to denigrate here] walks into a bar, wearing one flip-flop. Guy at the bar says, "Lost a flip-flop?" [Insert member of group you want to denigrate here] says, 'Nah mate, found one!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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