superjack Posted May 25, 2021 Share Posted May 25, 2021 Every time I go into a bakery, I get asked to do some promotional photos with their products. Apparently I’m an excellent roll model. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted May 26, 2021 Share Posted May 26, 2021 On 20/05/2021 at 10:01, I P Knightley said: When I was young and foolish, I was ordering in a McDonalds - at a time there were very few McDonalds in the UK. "Big Mac and fries, please." "What size of fries would you like?" Holds up pinky finger and says, "a bit longer than that but not as wide, please." And, yes, I would do it again. At the drop of a hat. The chippy when pished. Me, "Any hot pies?" Them, "Yes" Me" Serves you right for wearing 2 pairs of knickers" Them In ordering a pizza. The"Would you like your pizza sliced" Me "Yes, please" Them" How many bits" Me" 6 please, I cannae eat 8" Them again Yes, I'm a pain the arse with a drink in me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 26, 2021 Share Posted May 26, 2021 3 hours ago, ri Alban said: Yes, I'm a pain the arse with a drink in me. Try posting on here sober for a change. 😉😉😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted May 26, 2021 Share Posted May 26, 2021 On 20/05/2021 at 08:16, narre said: I received a brown envelope through the door this morning that said 'Do not bend!' I thought, "How am I going to pick that up then?" 👍 .....almost Chick Murray'esque. I said, "almost". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 26, 2021 Share Posted May 26, 2021 BREAKING: A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night… Police are currently scouring the area! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted May 26, 2021 Share Posted May 26, 2021 On 25/05/2021 at 11:09, superjack said: Hmm I hired a handy man gave him a list of stuff to do came back a few hrs later. He only did # 1, 3 & 5 on the list turns out he only does odd jobs!! Yes I advertised for a local Handy man, then about an hour later a knock on the door the guy said I’m here about the ad for a local handy man, what do you want done I said painting “don’t do painting “ ok Plumbing “ don’t do plumbing well how about some joinery “don’t do joinery “ok electrical work “ nope don’t do that I said thought you were a local Handyman he replied ! I am I just live round the corner you can’t get much more handy than that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nobreath Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fire_At_The_Disco Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 I was in a new restaurant down our way called Karma. There was no menus, you just got what you deserved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 3 hours ago, Nobreath said: Good one. This is similar to the joke about a patient who is lying in an Operating Room just about to undergo surgery. The surgeon says, "Don't panic, Dave, everything will work out OK." The patient says, "I'm not panicking and my name is Steve." Surgeon, "I know. My name is Dave." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 I just got a new job making plastic draculas. There are only 2 of us on the production line so I have to make every second count. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 On 26/05/2021 at 09:12, superjack said: Try posting on here sober for a change. 😉😉😉 Oh no, they're onto me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nobreath Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 5 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: Good one. This is similar to the joke about a patient who is lying in an Operating Room just about to undergo surgery. The surgeon says, "Don't panic, Dave, everything will work out OK." The patient says, "I'm not panicking and my name is Steve." Surgeon, "I know. My name is Dave." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pap Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For hispanic attacks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land. The king devised a test. His engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors. On the day of reckoning, hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin. The king stood with the princess on the far side of the pit and addressed the crowd. “I seek the bravest and fiercest warrior to take my daughter’s hand in marriage. To do so, simply cross this pit from that side to this and take her hand in yours. Additionally, I will …” Before the king could finish, one of the warriors went straight into the pit and into a pool of black water. The crowd roared with excitement. Starving crocodiles, imported from the Nile, immediately swarmed him. After a furious churning of blood and black water, the warrior emerged. As he advanced, a swinging pendulum missed his face by a hair. The warrior ducked, dodged, and rolled past flying arrows, battering rams, spinning swords, and spouts of fire. The warrior was halfway through the pit when the lions pounced on him. The warrior was quick. He blinded them with mud and lured them into attacking each other. Some he killed with his bare hands. A few steps later, a giant swung his massive club with a thunderous shout. The crowd watched in amazement as the warrior slowly wore out the giant and broke him down by steadily pelting stones at his head. Finally, the giant fell. The warrior slowly climbed out the far side of the pit, beaten and bloodied. He took the fair princess’ hand in his. “I am truly amazed,” exclaimed the king. “You went into my pit with no hesitation and have valiantly survived every obstacle. You are truly the rightful heir to my throne. However, you likely did not hear the rest of my proposal,” said the king. “Whoever survives the pit will not only take my daughter’s hand in marriage, but may also make any request of the king that is in my power to grant. So, do you have a request, brave warrior?” “Yes,” said the warrior. “Your highness, I want you to bring me the head of the guy who pushed me in.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 5 hours ago, narre said: The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land. The king devised a test. His engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors. On the day of reckoning, hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin. The king stood with the princess on the far side of the pit and addressed the crowd. “I seek the bravest and fiercest warrior to take my daughter’s hand in marriage. To do so, simply cross this pit from that side to this and take her hand in yours. Additionally, I will …” Before the king could finish, one of the warriors went straight into the pit and into a pool of black water. The crowd roared with excitement. Starving crocodiles, imported from the Nile, immediately swarmed him. After a furious churning of blood and black water, the warrior emerged. As he advanced, a swinging pendulum missed his face by a hair. The warrior ducked, dodged, and rolled past flying arrows, battering rams, spinning swords, and spouts of fire. The warrior was halfway through the pit when the lions pounced on him. The warrior was quick. He blinded them with mud and lured them into attacking each other. Some he killed with his bare hands. A few steps later, a giant swung his massive club with a thunderous shout. The crowd watched in amazement as the warrior slowly wore out the giant and broke him down by steadily pelting stones at his head. Finally, the giant fell. The warrior slowly climbed out the far side of the pit, beaten and bloodied. He took the fair princess’ hand in his. “I am truly amazed,” exclaimed the king. “You went into my pit with no hesitation and have valiantly survived every obstacle. You are truly the rightful heir to my throne. However, you likely did not hear the rest of my proposal,” said the king. “Whoever survives the pit will not only take my daughter’s hand in marriage, but may also make any request of the king that is in my power to grant. So, do you have a request, brave warrior?” “Yes,” said the warrior. “Your highness, I want you to bring me the head of the guy who pushed me in.” At last, a joke from you that's ALMOST as good as my jokes.😉😉😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 Was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra When the guy on the triangle disappeared Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 12 hours ago, superjack said: At last, a joke from you that's ALMOST as good as my jokes.😉😉😉 You're in poor form you should change your username to mediocre jack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 12 hours ago, superjack said: At last, a joke from you that's ALMOST as good as my jokes.😉😉😉 3 minutes ago, narre said: You're in poor form you should change your username to mediocre jack No joking around in the jokes thread. You're neck and neck in the race. That last narre joke was very good!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 I've just sold my entire collection of Sooty, Sweep and Sue puppets... Someone is paying me £200 to take them off my hands! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 2 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: No joking around in the jokes thread. You're neck and neck in the race. That last narre joke was very good!! It's just a laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 7 minutes ago, narre said: It's just a laugh My comment was a take-off on a Peter Seller's line in the 1964 movie "Dr. Strangelove." "No fighting in the war room." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likeness. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit flustered, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he conferred with Mary, his wife. It was hard to make the decision, but finally his wife agreed. “T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said. “The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 14 minutes ago, narre said: An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likeness. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit flustered, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he conferred with Mary, his wife. It was hard to make the decision, but finally his wife agreed. “T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said. “The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes. This is not a joke. Except for some details, it's the real deal. The painter's name was actually Russell. The amount was £10,000 (sterling, not dollars), and there wasn't a stretch limo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 17 minutes ago, Ulysses said: This is not a joke. Except for some details, it's the real deal. The painter's name was actually Russell. The amount was £10,000 (sterling, not dollars), and there wasn't a stretch limo. Got it off an Aussie joke page hence the dollars. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 53 minutes ago, narre said: Got it off an Aussie joke page hence the dollars. Could be. Mick Russell the painter did emigrate to Oz afterwards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 2 hours ago, narre said: You're in poor form you should change your username to mediocre jack 😂😂😂😂😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: No joking around in the jokes thread. You're neck and neck in the race. That last narre joke was very good!! I must admit, it was a belter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 28, 2021 Share Posted May 28, 2021 My wife was going through her wardrobe today and said to me "look, it still fits me after 25 years". "It's a fecking scarf" I said back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 My wife asked me to go out and buy something that would make her look nice… I came back with 4 bottles of whisky and a litre of vodka! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 My neighbour got burgled and had all his crisps, biscuits and chocolate bars stolen... Police say they suspect it was a local snackhead! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 A policeman is on foot patrol and sees some guy dancing down the street while naked. He radios it in and the sergeant says "copy that" The PC replies "ok, but I'm not much of a dancer". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 On 13/05/2021 at 03:34, Maple Leaf said: And narre races into the lead for "Best Poster on the Thread" award. @John Gentleman is certainly giving @narre and @superjack a run for their money these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 Many girls seem to marry men who are like their father --- which is probably why so many mothers weep at weddings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 29, 2021 Share Posted May 29, 2021 A woman just came up to me holding an unlit cigarette. She said, "Have you got a light cock?" I said, "Well, it floats in the bath! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted June 1, 2021 Share Posted June 1, 2021 Everyone knows the first rule of Norman Collier Club? ou d t ta out orma lier Cl . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 Did you see how excited everyone was for the newest Lego set? People lined up for blocks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 The worlds leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 10 minutes ago, superjack said: The worlds leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.” “Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones. He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track. Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track. The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!" The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?" "This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!" The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side." One of those ones that has you laughing and groaning in equal measure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 Apple have said that although their profits are down, their turnover is still good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 Got a taxi to the launderette. Cost me £30… I felt like I'd been taken to the cleaners! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 2, 2021 Share Posted June 2, 2021 I failed my Greek mythology exam last week... I think my lack of revision was my Achilles elbow! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 3, 2021 Share Posted June 3, 2021 A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muldoon74 Posted June 3, 2021 Share Posted June 3, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 8, 2021 Share Posted June 8, 2021 When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager, it wasn’t until I was older that I realised I’d been fostered Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 8, 2021 Share Posted June 8, 2021 At the end of the lockdown, the reopening of the lego store was a major event. People were lining up for blocks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 8, 2021 Share Posted June 8, 2021 On 02/06/2021 at 04:03, narre said: Did you see how excited everyone was for the newest Lego set? People lined up for blocks! Sorry, just realised you posted the same joke a few days ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 1 hour ago, superjack said: Sorry, just realised you posted the same joke a few days ago. But it was a great joke, so worth repeating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 10 hours ago, superjack said: Sorry, just realised you posted the same joke a few days ago. Had to happen,the old grey cells vanishing rapidly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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