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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


Smithee

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"Mummy, where do babies come from?

" "Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

"Only if they want new shoes!"

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A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?"

She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.

Eventually the lady asks,

"Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive!"

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Robbo-Jambo
50 minutes ago, narre said:

A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?"

She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.

Eventually the lady asks,

"Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive!"

🤣

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martoon
7 hours ago, narre said:

A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?"

She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.

Eventually the lady asks,

"Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive!"

 

👏😄

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Not really a joke just an amusing sign...or a very niche market.

May be an image of text that says "Sign language DONALD RITCH PROPRIETOR 14 FURV EYOR OF FLAT FINE MEATS & CAPS TURPENTINE YOU NAME IT, I SELL IT: Seen at Unst on the Shetland Isles by Mrs M. Featherstone of Spalding, Lincs."

Edited by Boof
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superjack

My mate donald was born with no eye lids, so they circumcised him to get something to make eye lids out of.

It was sort of a success, now he's just a little cock eyed.

Edited by superjack
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I P Knightley
15 hours ago, superjack said:

My mate donald was born with no eye lids, so they circumcised him to get something to make eye lids out of.

It was sort of a success, now he's just a little cock eyed.

I was expecting a punchline involving lots of blinking and shooting his load in his undercrackers.

 

"Cock-eyed" is less contrived, though.

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superjack

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic, complaining that the engine is spraying oil. The mechanic says, "It'll take me a hour to get to it and have a look. Why don't you go to the cafe across the street and wait, and I'll ring you on your mobile." The penguin gives him his number, then goes for some lunch. He orders a vanilla ice cream cone for dessert, and just as he start to eat it, the mechanic calls. He hurries from the cafe, quickly and sloppily finishing his ice cream cone. He walks up to the mechanic and asks, "So what do you think?" The mechanic looks at him and says, "Looks like you've blown a seal", to which the penguin get get very defensive, wipes his mouth and says, "No, I was just eating some ice cream."

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Swanny17

So my wife said to me earlier “what’s your view on Euthanasia?”

 

“I guess they’re mostly a pleasant bunch” I replied. 

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LeftBack

Totally appreciate what he did and upmost respect. But I didn't think it could get worse for Simon Weston. He was buying champagne and booking holidays after winning the pools. But when he went to collect his money he remembered he had burnt his coupon. 

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The wife came back from the doctors in tears . She said the doctor passed her a note saying she had a nice [email protected] and she needs  pumped everyday. Turns out she has acute angina and dyslexia 

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Told my mate that I had taken the wife to North Wales for a romantic weekend.

 

”Bangor” he replied.

 

Till it hurt I said

 

 

 

 

 

 

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superjack

Little Patrick asks his Dad for a new bike, "We'd get you one son but our mortgage is £100,000 and your Mum's lost her job".

Next morning Patrick's walking out with his suitcase packed and his Dad asks where he is going, "I walked past your room last night and I heard you telling Mum that you were pulling out, then I heard Mum telling you she was coming too! I'm not staying here on my own with a £100,000 morgage and no bike!"

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My wife has been missing for over a week,

and this morning the police said I should prepare myself for the worst...

So, I'm heading to the charity shop to get her clothes back!

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My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...

Apparently the response of, "Dont worry babe, your tits cover it!" wasn't the answer she was looking for!

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Maple Leaf
5 hours ago, narre said:

My wife has been missing for over a week,

and this morning the police said I should prepare myself for the worst...

So, I'm heading to the charity shop to get her clothes back!

Gold!  :biggrin2:

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I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their moustache,

and suddenly, she's not your friend anymore!

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superjack

Italian fella: "When I finish makin aluv toa ma girlfriend I gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy!"

French fella: "Zat iz nothin, when I finish with ze girl I kis her all ze way down her body an lick ze soles of her feet, she floats 12 inches above the bed in ecstasy!"

Englishman: "When I've done riding our lass I wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits tha f*ckin roof!"

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Ive been swotting up on Welsh place names.I'm now fully Clwyd up.

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Seymour M Hersh

What do you call a sleep walking nun?

 

 

A roaming catholic. 

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Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race...

Apparently he has been using performance enhancing rugs!

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I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging.

Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank...

I gave her a right mouthful!

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My wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis...

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

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The Real Maroonblood
5 minutes ago, narre said:

My wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis...

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

:lol:

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Dagger Is Back

The wife and I have started joinery lessons.


One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters”

 

I said “We’ve only just begun”

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Dagger Is Back

Is it true an apple a day keeps the doctor away?


Or is it one of Granny’s myths?

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Ulysses

I BEFORE E

 

except when your weirdly conceited feisty neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit caffeinated beige sleighs from some inconceivably deceitful foreign weightlifters.

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As I walked into work, my colleague said,

"Mark you look like shit."

"Last night was fluking crazy."

"What happened?"

"Me, my mates Steve and Trevor got very drunk & went back to Trevors girlfriends flat for a threesome."

"Don't you mean a foursome?" "No mate. She was out!"

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Last night I told my wife I was feeling horny.

"Well, we can soon sort that out," she said with a wink, and slowly undressed.

buck me, she was right...

I stopped feeling horny immediately!

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My 4 year old was struggling to open a yoghurt lid today

when he suddenly mumbled, "Flucking shitty lid!"

My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he got that from?"

I replied, "The flucking fridge, you silly bunt!"

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superjack

I'm a bit down today. Someone intentionally spread glue all over my favourite deck of cards, and I'm finding it hard to deal with.

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132goals1958

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cockey

 

But I have turned myself around

And that's what it's all about   

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superjack

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. 
Sometime after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. 
They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. 
Then they began fitting the pieces together. 
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. 
“Astonishing!” said the truck driver to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?” 
The crew chief said, “Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.”

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Dagger Is Back

Every 10 years you get a form to fill in from the Government 

 

John Denver has just completed ours

 

He filled up our Census

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Dagger Is Back

The wife and I have started joinery lessons

 

One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters”

 

I said “We’ve only just begun”

 

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Dagger Is Back

Is it true an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

 

Or is it one of Granny’s myths?

 

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Lemongrab
1 hour ago, Dagger Is Back said:

The wife and I have started joinery lessons

 

One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters”

 

I said “We’ve only just begun”

 

 

1 hour ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Is it true an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

 

Or is it one of Granny’s myths?

 

 

You posted those 2 last week mate. :D 

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Worthing Jambo
9 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

 

 

You posted those 2 last week mate. :D 

Repeat prescription for the chuckle muscles?

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Dagger Is Back
1 hour ago, Lemongrab said:

 

 

You posted those 2 last week mate. :D 


🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

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Robbo-Jambo
On 10/03/2021 at 21:30, narre said:

I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging.

Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank...

I gave her a right mouthful!

😁

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Anybody can masturbate under a sheet,

but it takes real skill to do it without the barber noticing!

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I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen...

Pop round anytime. The kettle's always on!

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A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.

The nurse asked the rabbit, "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a Type O," said the rabbit.

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My wife hates it when I say,

"You're just like your mother!"

Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex!

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Maple Leaf
On 12/03/2021 at 20:22, Ulysses said:

I BEFORE E

 

except when your weirdly conceited feisty neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit caffeinated beige sleighs from some inconceivably deceitful foreign weightlifters.

 

I want to be there when you crack that one at your next dinner party.

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willie wallace
7 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Every 10 years you get a form to fill in from the Government 

 

John Denver has just completed ours

 

He filled up our Census

 

7 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

The wife and I have started joinery lessons

 

One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters”

 

I said “We’ve only just begun”

 

😀😀 

    I can see the the younger members struggling with these two.

Unfortunately i remember them well.😥

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A man and his wife are getting ready for a party...

Wife: "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Man: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?"

Wife: "Yes, I promise!"

Man: "I flucked your sister!"

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