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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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On 20/03/2021 at 02:31, narre said:

A man couldn't satisfy his wife so goes to buy the biggest dildo he can.

After looking round he spots one on the counter - Chrome colour, 6" wide, 18" long with a detatchable foreskin.

"I'll take it!" he says.

The guy on the till says,

"You can't have that sir. Thats my flask!"

It was tartan with a white top when I was a lad.

 

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superjack
11 minutes ago, jb102 said:

It was tartan with a white top when I was a lad.

 

Was it painful at all?

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2 minutes ago, superjack said:

Was it painful at all?

Don't judge others by your own standards.

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Whilst doing a crossword I asked the wife,

"What's a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends in UNT?"

My wife said, "Aunt?"

 

I said, "Pass the tippex!"

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You can tell a lot about a woman by looking at her feet...

If they're tucked behind her ears, she really likes you!

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Auldbenches
21 hours ago, jb102 said:

Don't judge others by your own standards.

😄  one of the funniest things on this thread.  

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Maple Leaf
1 hour ago, 1953 said:

No more Suez Canal jokes please, that ship has sailed!

Excellent!  :biggrin2:

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milky_26
10 hours ago, 1953 said:

No more Suez Canal jokes please, that ship has sailed!

there will be some still floating about

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Lemongrab
45 minutes ago, Stuart Lyon said:

To celebrate I think we should push the boat out!

Off course.

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CostaJambo

A policeman sees a couple cycling along on a tandem, and then sees the bloke cycling it alone later that same day. He races after the guy, pulls him over, and says he thinks the guy's wife may have fallen off the back. "Oh thank goodness for that" says the cyclist. Surprised by the response, the policeman asks him to explain himself. "I thought I'd gone deaf" replies the guy.  

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I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked,

"How are you so good at this?"

"Years of practice," she replied.

"Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed.

"No, I used to be a bloke!

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My girlfriend said that she wasn't very comfortable performing oral sex...

So I bought her a pillow to kneel on!

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132goals1958
On 27/03/2021 at 23:36, narre said:

Whilst doing a crossword I asked the wife,

"What's a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends in UNT?"

My wife said, "Aunt?"

 

I said, "Pass the tippex!"

  

Old lady sitting in the train doing a crossword . Puzzled look 👀 on her face . 3 across. —- Found at the bottom of a budgies cage —- something something it. . One of the passengers says grit. . Oh dear anyone got an eraser please 

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Lemongrab

I was out for a walk in the country with the wife, when we stopped for a rest.

"This is where I first had sex.", I said, and pointing to a tree, "Her mother was standing over there."

"What!  Didn't she say anything?", asked the wife?

"Baaa".

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Cold callers ringing me up, trying to sell me funeral plans.

That’s the last thing I need...

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The Real Maroonblood
3 hours ago, narre said:

I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked,

"How are you so good at this?"

"Years of practice," she replied.

"Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed.

"No, I used to be a bloke!

:rofl:

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Two police officers knock on the door of a man’s house.

“Is this your wife?” they ask, holding up a photo.

“Yes”, replies the man.

“Well, I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus,” they say.

“Well, yes,” says the man, “but she’s got a lovely personality.

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Lemongrab

Paddy was working at the sewage farm, when his jacket fell in a tank of shit.

He dives in, and after almost drowning manages to grab his coat and climb out.

His pal says, "Jesus Paddy, I would have just left the jacket."

Paddy says, "I would have, but my sandwiches were in the pocket."

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John Gentleman

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

 

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John Gentleman

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

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rudi must stay

Two Cows In A Field Which Ones On Holiday?

 

The one with the wee calf

 

What Did The Robot say To The Petrol Pump?

 

Take your finger out your ear when I'm talking to you 

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What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colour anymore?

 

 

A reptile dysfunction.

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The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden...

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week!

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My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on.

I asked him if it was working ok.

He said, "It's fine apart from a bit of crackling!"

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"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter."

 

"Thanks Dad." "No problem Alan!"

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Tampax are releasing a limited edition, egg shaped tampon...

 

It's for the Easter period only

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3 hours ago, 1953 said:

Does anybody know where I'll can buy a longer dipstick for my car as the current one no longer reaches the oil!

just buy another one and tape them together

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scott herbertson
3 hours ago, 1953 said:

Does anybody know where I'll can buy a longer dipstick for my car as the current one no longer reaches the oil!

 

 

this one's pretty long

 

15 brilliant things you probably didn't know about Only Fools and Horses -  MyLondon

 

 

 

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Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CV's she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.'
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It is hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'
Wally is now working at an Aldi near you!

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The Real Maroonblood
2 hours ago, superjack said:

Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CV's she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.'
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It is hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'
Wally is now working at an Aldi near you!

😄

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

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4 hours ago, superjack said:

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.'

 

Hilarious. :rofl:

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A Celtic fan wearing the hoops goes into a shop and asks for a pound of mince.

The shop keeper says, "We don't have any mince I'm afraid".

"In that case I'll have sausages then", he says.

"Sorry", says the shop keeper, "We don't have any sausages either I'm afraid".

Starting to become irate he says, "Bullshit...I bet if a Rangers fan walks in here you'll have mince and sausages".

The shop keeper says assuringly, "No that's not the case at all".

"Why not", asks the curious Celtic fan.

"Because you're in Halfords"..... 

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Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says,

"Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air."

 

The other says, "Sorry, I just burped!

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A guy is having a check up at the doctors.

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?" "I doubt it," says the doctor, shaking his head.

"Mercury is in Uranus right now."

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc."

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke!"

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superjack

Two old ladies chatting in a cafe, one says to the other "did you come on the bus?"
"Yes" she says, "but I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack".

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rudi must stay
On 02/04/2021 at 23:13, narre said:

"Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter."

 

"Thanks Dad." "No problem Alan!"

 

My favourite joke on here 

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