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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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A local pub had an electric bull riding competition
Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.
A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.
The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.
Faster and faster it spun, yet the man still clung on. 4, 5, 6 seconds.
The bull was rotating furiously, the crowd was cheering, yet the man was still there. 7, 8 seconds!
The crowd went crazy, the announcer was screaming down the microphone as the little man climbed off.
The announcer said to the man “This is just incredible. No one else has done this before ! What is your secret?”
The man replied “My girlfriend's epileptic“.

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One day, Tarzan is swinging thru the jungle going from vine to vine. Suddenly a vine snaps and he slams to the floor of the jungle where a angry pack of baboons nearly rip him to shreds. As Tarzan laid there bleeding and unconscious, a local witch doctor finds him and drags him away to his hut. Several days later, Tarzan awakes confused and in pain. The witch doctor comes to his side and explains to Tarzan that the baboons ripped out his eye, tore off his arm, and severed his manhood. The witch doctor then explained that he gave tarzan an eye from an eagle, the arm or a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for his manhood. The witch doctor instructed Tarzan to go out and try his new appendages and come back in a few days to report how his condition is. Several days later, Tarzan came back to the hut to tell the witch doctor:
Eye of eagle- great. Tarzan see for miles.
Arm of gorilla- Strong, Tarzan pick up whole tree.
Tarzan don’t know about elephant trunk, elephant trunk keeps picking up leaves and stuffing them up Tarzans arse!

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Man walks into a bar with a pork pie sellotaped to his head

 

Barman: "Excuse me, why have you got a pork pie sellotaped to your head?

" Man: "I do this every Tuesday!"

 

Barman: "But it's Thursday today!

 

" Man: "Oh I must look a right twat!"

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"Do you have any hobbies?"

 

I asked my blind date last night.

 

"I love yoga," she smiled.

 

"Me too!" I said.

 

"Can you give yourself oral sex?"

 

"No?" she replied.

 

"Can you do it?" I said,

 

"Yes, take your knickers off!"

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On 20/08/2021 at 23:44, Ulysses said:

Why did @**** the SPFLfall out of his window?  He was trying to iron his curtains.

 

Why did @ri Albanburn his ear and fall out of his window?  Someone phoned him while he was ironing his curtains.

 

:cheese:

:rofl:

 

:touche:

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon
their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the FATHER.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining
that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and
was amazed
at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The
husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain
to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on the
porch.

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I said to a lass last night,

"If you come back to my house and have sex with me tonight,

I can guarantee an amazing orgasm within 40 seconds."

"What makes you so confident that you'll do that?" she asked.

"I suffer with premature ejaculation!"

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I was walking down the street when an elephant ran past me smashed the jewellery shop window sucked up all the rings and watches and ran off. 2mins later the police were asking for witnesses. I said officer I saw the whole thing but I don't think you will believe me! He said TRY ME SON so I recanted what had just happened and he sighed and impatiently opened his notebook and filling out my statement asked me 'was it an African elephant or Indian elephant? I said I don't know. He said 'did it have big ears thats an African elephant or small ears thats an Indian elephant? I said how am I supposed to know it had a stocking over its head!!!!!

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n an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass. "It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels."
"Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don't give me the job, I'll also tell who's the father!"
The boss collapsed!!!

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1 hour ago, rudi must stay said:

What's the capital of Zimbabwe?

 

Z

 

This is not a joke, but there is a bank note in circulation in Zimbabwe that's worth 100 trillion dollars.  That wee fact is a good conversation starter next time you're in the pub.

 

Zimbabwe 100 Trillion Dollar Banknote, 2008, AA Series, NEW - 100Trillions.com

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I P Knightley
2 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

This is not a joke, but there is a bank note in circulation in Zimbabwe that's worth 100 trillion dollars.  That wee fact is a good conversation starter next time you're in the pub.

 

Zimbabwe 100 Trillion Dollar Banknote, 2008, AA Series, NEW - 100Trillions.com

I've got a collection of very high denomination $Zim bills from my last trip there. Told the kids they could have some money: who wants 10 million dollars? So they fought over that before i brought out 100 million then 1 trillion and 10 trillion. All out of circulation now, they've adopted the US Dollar.

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Seymour M Hersh

A couple of Irishmen are enjoying a drink in a bar one evening when the first says I see there are three new lunatic asylums being built in Ireland. The seconds asks where are they building them. First guy replies one here in Dublin, one in Galway and they're putting a roof over Kerry. 

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A Sailor and a Wren were sitting beside each other in the club. The wren sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
 The Sailor went back to his reading his paper. A few minutes later, the wren sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. 
 Assuming that the wren might have a cold, the sailor was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the wren sneezed yet again. 
 As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. 
 Unable to restrain his curiosity, the sailor turned to the wren and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?' 
 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ' 
 The sailor, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?' 
 The wren nodded, 'Pepper.'

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wentworth jambo
16 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

I've got a collection of very high denomination $Zim bills from my last trip there. Told the kids they could have some money: who wants 10 million dollars? So they fought over that before i brought out 100 million then 1 trillion and 10 trillion. All out of circulation now, they've adopted the US Dollar.

If you check the exchange rate - currently roughly 500 Z dollars to £1....does that mean you were chucking £20k at the kids IPK ??:munny:

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21 minutes ago, wentworth jambo said:

If you check the exchange rate - currently roughly 500 Z dollars to £1....does that mean you were chucking £20k at the kids IPK ??:munny:

the zimbabean dollar is now defunk, they now use the US dollar.

 

for a period of time 100 trillion zimbabean dollars were worth around 70 USD

Edited by milky_26
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rudi must stay
18 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

This is not a joke, but there is a bank note in circulation in Zimbabwe that's worth 100 trillion dollars.  That wee fact is a good conversation starter next time you're in the pub.

 

Zimbabwe 100 Trillion Dollar Banknote, 2008, AA Series, NEW - 100Trillions.com

 

Money chat would get me the thrashing of a lifetime 

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Horatio Caine
4 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Money chat would get me the thrashing of a lifetime 

Is that how much thrashings cost nowadays?

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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

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Got kicked of the quiz team last night. Sudden death tie breaker, first one to shout the answer. Where have most woman got short curly hair. Who would have thought Africa.

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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”

The girl, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.”

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John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. 
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. 
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. 
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. 
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. 
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." 
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. 
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, 
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

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A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.

"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.

He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.

She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I."

"What do you sell?"

She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

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There was an old spinster who lived in the Highlands. Cut off from everyone. Her only family was her sister, Rose.

It was her 100th birthday and she woke up full of excitement knowing she would get that telegram.

9am came...nothing...noon...nothing...6pm...nothing....

She started to cry....surely she can't have forgotten me.

11.59....knock at the door. She opened it and it was a young man from the post office with a telegram.

"Oh young man you have made my day. Do you have a telegram for me?"

"Yes"

"would you do something for me?"

"..Ok..."

"My eyesight is gone. Could you sing the telegram for me?"

"Sing it?"

"Yes"

"that is not appropriate"

"No please, please sing it. I dont have long to live and it would make my life complete."

"...I dont think so.."

"Please young man - it will mean so much so me."

"OK......da da da da da da....Your sister Rose is dead, your sister Rose is dead...da da da da dah."

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My mate told me the other day that he was thinking of buying a lighthouse, I thought well that's his lookout.

 

I spotted an albino dalmation the other day. I thought it was the least I could do for the guy. (Took me a few moments)

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A blond walked into a store to buy a pair of shoes. She found a pair she liked, and went over to the salesperson and asked how much they cost.

"They go for $300," said the salesperson.

"Ouch!" said the woman. "How come they cost so much?"

"Because they are alligator shoes," said the salesperson. "We get them from only the finest alligators in the Florida everglades."

The blond thought about it for a minute, and then left the store. A couple of days later, the salesperson was going to Disneyworld. As he was driving, he happened to see the same blond standing in a swamp. She had a shotgun slung over her shoulder.

The salesperson decided to double back to see what she was up to. As he approached her, her heard a loud BANG! He rushed over to see if she was alright.

He saw her standing by five dead alligators. As he walked up, she was pulling a sixth one out of the swamp. She flipped the alligator over. "Nope," she said. "No shoes on that one either".

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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with ***** Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with ***** Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this ***** Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall,

Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that ***** Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes

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I went to my sex addicts class this morning.

My councilor thinks l've come a long way.

She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals...

 

Sounds like she's after a good shag if you ask me!

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Girlfriend was going on holiday and said to me as she was leaving to mind and look after her dad as his alzheimers and dementia were getting worse. I said sure now go and give me peace.

She gets back and asks if everything is okay, I said 'well no, the cat's dead'. She's like 'what do you mean the cat's dead?' I said 'it's dead, just dead'! She's like 'you really are an insensitive arsehole at times. Couldn't you have lightened it a bit by saying the cat was on the roof or something and he fell and you got the vet and he died peacefully in his sleep? Something like that?'

'Anyway, did you go and see my dad?'

'Yeah, I did'

'How is he?'

'Well, he was on the roof.................

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I went to see the Red Arrows today.
 
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
 
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.

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For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. 
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." 
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. 
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" 
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no flipping bike!"

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5 minutes ago, jonesy said:

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson finally succumb to temptation and acknowledge their sexual feelings for each other.

 

As they start getting passionate, Holmes runs to the kitchen to get a jar of Lemon Curd. As he returns and opens the jar, Watson asks him, "What's that for, Sherlock?"

 

"Lemon entry, my dear Watson, lemon entry."

 

84FB4AFC-217C-4416-8EF9-5A8EF58D4855.gif

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7 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

What game do they play in the Spaghetti Factory?

 

Pasta parcel

 

If you don't get it initially have a think 

 

Ice Gnocchi?

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On 21/09/2021 at 14:21, rudi must stay said:

What game do they play in the Spaghetti Factory?

 

Pasta parcel

 

If you don't get it initially have a think 

Works better with Ravioli instead of spaghetti, no?

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On 21/09/2021 at 14:21, rudi must stay said:

What game do they play in the Spaghetti Factory?

 

Pasta parcel

 

If you don't get it initially have a think 

Double post the minute I logged back on.

Edited by CostaJambo
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