redjambo Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 25 minutes ago, highlandjambo3 said: Woooshhhh….. can someone help me with this……I’m not the sharpest tool in the hedge Which island couldn't get the joke? G) Isle of Man. H) Ighland Jambo3. I) Island of St Paul. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 Did you know Mahatma Ghandi was big headed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 Speaking to my Cousin earlier he said his Wife has ran off with his best Friend Steve. I said to him Steve’s not your Best Friend. He replied he is now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CostaJambo Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 I called the aquarium earlier on to ask about their opening hours. The message said the call may be recorded for training porpoises. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 Never challenge death to a pillow fight unless you can handle the reaper cushions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 When I found out I was holding the taser the wrong way around, I was stunned! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 I helped a neighbour out today and she said, "I could marry you." Unbelievable! You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 I once used to date an archaeologist but I had to break up with her… She just kept digging up the past! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. However, apparently, they gave the part to one of the lead actors children. I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 26, 2021 Share Posted June 26, 2021 On 23/06/2021 at 01:00, narre said: My mate said onions are the only food that can make you cry....... so I threw a coconut at him. Now there's 2 There's 3. Have you every been hit in the baws with a turnip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted June 26, 2021 Share Posted June 26, 2021 (edited) Edit - Wrong thread Edited June 26, 2021 by A Boy Named Crow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 There's apparently been an outbreak of bovine novo virus in Austria. Apparently, the hills are alive with the sound of moo sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 Brenda and Steve took their 10-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their son appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 I was at a fancy dress party last night when a chunky lass came over to me. She blushed and said, "I really fancy you." "Calm down, " I replied. "It's just a costume, I'm not a real ****ing doughnut!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 I went on a date with a girl last night. I tried that trick where you cut a hole in the bottom of a box of popcorn and shove your cock in, hoping she'll accidently grab it . She didn't fall for it... Maybe I'll put some popcorn in next time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 My wife was trying on different things yesterday and asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. "Give them to your sister," I replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 I was clinging for dear life to the side of the cliff. As the rescue team approached , one of them yelled, "Whatever you do, don't look down!" So I started smiling! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 I was watching TV the other day while the wife was in the kitchen counting out the 20p jar. All of a sudden she started effing and blinding for no reason, then threw the jar against the wall and started crying. I thought to myself, '****, she must be going through the change!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 13 hours ago, narre said: I was watching TV the other day while the wife was in the kitchen counting out the 20p jar. All of a sudden she started effing and blinding for no reason, then threw the jar against the wall and started crying. I thought to myself, '****, she must be going through the change!' Although I've gone bald, I'm hanging on to my comb for sentimental reasons. I just can't part with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say “Jesus is watching you “ Thinking it was just his imagination he continued his search. Again “Jesus is watching you “He turned his flashlight around, saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said” Moses” The burglar asked “What kind of people would name a parrot Moses? The parrot “The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns… Well, toucan play at that game! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 When the Queen is too old to walk, will she have to use a Nobility scooter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 The missus told me to come upstairs because she had put a Black Lace number on... Brilliant! I absolutely love Agadoo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 I really hope my new Thai girlfriend doesn't have a dick this time... But something inside me tells she does! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy." The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she replied. "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 20 minutes ago, superjack said: A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy." The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she replied. "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?" Wife: Brilliant news! At the doctor today, and he told me I have the heart and lungs of a 20-year old. Husband: Did he say anything about your 55-year old arse? Wife: Nope, your name didn't come up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 On 26/06/2021 at 00:14, superjack said: Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. However, apparently, they gave the part to one of the lead actors children. I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids. 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 I bought a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare....... cost me heaps..... but he chewed it a lot....... Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a groundbreaking operation of having two pigs ear grafted on in place. A hospital spokesperson said, "The operation was a success and the man can hear, though he's experiencing a lot of crackling!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 It's always flattering to be told you have a nice arse... Unless it's during a prostate examination! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 (edited) A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair. "I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis." The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the doctor continues. "Since you were unconscious, we did put a replacement in place for you. The only problem is that all we could find in such short notice was a baby elephant trunk." The man checks it out and is satisfied with the replacement. He's released from the hospital a few days later and returns to his life. A few weeks later he has his first date since the accident. He's having a nice conversation with his date when he hears the distinct sound of his pants zipper slowly opening. He blushes, hoping his date didn't hear the noise. A few moment later the end of the baby elephant trunk that is his penis snakes over the edge of the table, snuffing and tapping, searching over the table cloth. His date notices and watches, eyes wide. Suddenly, it grabs a dinner roll from his bread plate and whips back under the table. "Was that your penis?" his date asks, her eyes wide and her cheeks flushed. Embarrassed, he can only nod and the colour rises in his cheeks. "That was amazing," she said, "Can it do it again?" He shrugged, "Probably, but I don't know if my ersehole can take another roll." Edited July 5, 2021 by Lemongrab Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 Robert was at school & the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Builder, Shopkeeper etc but Robert was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father. ''My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and he takes off his clothes & strips naked in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer of money is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let's them abuse him in multiple different ways'' The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Robert aside to ask him if that was really true. 'No' said Robert, ''My Dad actually plays football for hibs, but I was just too embarrassed to say''.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 On 30/06/2021 at 09:39, narre said: The missus told me to come upstairs because she had put a Black Lace number on... Brilliant! I absolutely love Agadoo! Shite, but still. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamstomorrow Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 Following a road accident, a man wakes up in hospital. He starts screaming, "Doctor!" "Doctor!" "My legs, my legs!" "I can't feel my legs!" The doctor tells him, "Yes, I'm sorry." "We had to amputate your arms." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
violater Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Just had a Green ice Cream It was ****ing Mint Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 On 04/07/2021 at 13:56, Ulysses said: Wife: Brilliant news! At the doctor today, and he told me I have the heart and lungs of a 20-year old. Husband: Did he say anything about your 55-year old arse? Wife: Nope, your name didn't come up. 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday, which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched her turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. “Reta,” he said, “What would you like for your birthday?” His wife continued to look at herself and said, “I’d like to be six again.” George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta’s stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Nevertheless, George took her to McDonald’s and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favourite candy. As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, “Well dear, what was it like to be six again?” Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, “I meant my dress size!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 I named my dog 'Five Miles'. Now I can tell people I walk five miles twice a day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 I tried to read a book today on the history of Sellotape, but I couldn't find the beginning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 I'lll never forget the day I met my wife at a Fancy Dress party. She was stood there looking gorgeous and slim next to her fat mate. They'd gone together dressed as the number 10... I knew then, she was the one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted July 11, 2021 Share Posted July 11, 2021 Where did the non binary Old West Prospector look for gold? Up in them/their hills. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Burgundy Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 What's the difference between sex and anal sex? Having sex can make your day but having anal sex can make your hole weak. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 On 05/07/2021 at 13:39, Lemongrab said: A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair. "I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis." The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the doctor continues. "Since you were unconscious, we did put a replacement in place for you. The only problem is that all we could find in such short notice was a baby elephant trunk." The man checks it out and is satisfied with the replacement. He's released from the hospital a few days later and returns to his life. A few weeks later he has his first date since the accident. He's having a nice conversation with his date when he hears the distinct sound of his pants zipper slowly opening. He blushes, hoping his date didn't hear the noise. A few moment later the end of the baby elephant trunk that is his penis snakes over the edge of the table, snuffing and tapping, searching over the table cloth. His date notices and watches, eyes wide. Suddenly, it grabs a dinner roll from his bread plate and whips back under the table. "Was that your penis?" his date asks, her eyes wide and her cheeks flushed. Embarrassed, he can only nod and the colour rises in his cheeks. "That was amazing," she said, "Can it do it again?" He shrugged, "Probably, but I don't know if my ersehole can take another roll." Jokes like this are right up my street. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?" The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the ****ing subject!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 I met a guy in the pub from Wales who was very worried that the Police were going to arrest him for interfering with farm animals… He is laying low, but obviously having a few sheepless nights! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 12, 2021 Share Posted July 12, 2021 Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport... Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted July 16, 2021 Share Posted July 16, 2021 A fly meets another fly on the collar of an American golfer and says, What brings you to this neck of the Woods? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudyJudyJudy Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 Nigerian man dies and authorities find 35 billion dollars in his apartment. He had been trying to give it away for 15 years but no one would return his emails. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted July 17, 2021 Share Posted July 17, 2021 My wife caught me in bed with the neighbour. "It's not as bad as it looks love, honest!" I said. "Oh yeah?!" she shouted. "Just how much ****ing worse can it be?" "Erm. Your sister's hiding in the wardrobe and your mum's under the bed!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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