Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[Maple Leaf]

3 hours ago, narre said:

I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm...

 

If you can't come let me know!

 

3 hours ago, narre said:

Man: "Excuse me madam. Can I smell your vagina?"

Woman: "No you most certainly can not!"

Man: "Well perhaps it's your feet then!"

 

3 hours ago, narre said:

A couple having marital problems went to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said,

"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."

 

The husband said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks!"

 

 

And narre races into the lead for "Best Poster on the Thread" award. 

 

[narre]

7 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

 

And narre races into the lead for "Best Poster on the Thread" award. 

 

😆yay

[superjack]

8 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

 

 

 

And narre races into the lead for "Best Poster on the Thread" award. 

 

Ok, I'll get my finger out. My jokes are better anyway.

[Maple Leaf]

2 hours ago, superjack said:

Ok, I'll get my finger out. My jokes are better anyway.

 

It's neck and neck, and the lead changes every few days. 

[Morgan]

16 hours ago, narre said:

Man: "Excuse me madam. Can I smell your vagina?"

Woman: "No you most certainly can not!"

Man: "Well perhaps it's your feet then!"

 

[superjack]

Well that's bang out of order.

 

[Robbo-Jambo]

2 hours ago, superjack said:

Well that's bang out of order.

 

😅

[narre]

When my wife found out I was a transvestite,she went mental.

"I know this is difficult for you," I said.

"You have no flucking idea!" she snapped. "Put yourself in my shoes."

"I can't," I replied with a sigh. "They're too tight!"

[narre]

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus...

Doctor's are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU!

[narre]

My window cleaner knocked at the door this morning, shouting and swearing...

I thought, blimey he's lost his rag!

[narre]

My wife let's me lick anything off her and I love it.

Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she let's me lick it off her...

 

She's a cracker!

[¼½¾]

To the person who stole my laxatives...you can do one!

[milky_26]

3 hours ago, Lemongrab said:

To the person who stole my laxatives...you can do one!

TBF they can probably do two

[superjack]

I found a beehive in my garden this morning with no way of getting in or out.
Unbelievable.

[narre]

I can't stop eating Polos, Extra Strong Mints, Mentos and TicTacs...

 

I'm worried I'm going to end up in a menthol institution!

[narre]

I think I might apply for the new series of Embarrassing Bodies...

One of my bollocks is bigger than the other two!

[superjack]

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

[superjack]

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

[narre]

I received a brown envelope through the door this morning that said 'Do not bend!'

I thought, "How am I going to pick that up then?"

[superjack]

I went to a hardware shop and asked for some bolts. The guy asked how long do I want them?
I said I was actually hoping to keep them.

[I P Knightley]

31 minutes ago, superjack said:

I went to a hardware shop and asked for some bolts. The guy asked how long do I want them?
I said I was actually hoping to keep them.

When I was young and foolish, I was ordering in a McDonalds - at a time there were very few McDonalds in the UK.

 

"Big Mac and fries, please."

"What size of fries would you like?"

Holds up pinky finger and says, "a bit longer than that but not as wide, please."

 

And, yes, I would do it again. At the drop of a hat.

[JWL]

2 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

When I was young and foolish, I was ordering in a McDonalds - at a time there were very few McDonalds in the UK.

 

"Big Mac and fries, please."

"What size of fries would you like?"

Holds up pinky finger and says, "a bit longer than that but not as wide, please."

 

And, yes, I would do it again. At the drop of a hat.

 

It's things like that that used to get me a scudding of the polis when I was a cheeky wee shite (and when they were basically allowed to scud cheeky wee shites like me). Polis 'What's your date of birth', me '29 June', Polis 'what year', me 'every year'...............Polis-scud.

[¼½¾]

I asked a prostitute if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz.

 

She said, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".

[luckyBatistuta]

Scientists have discovered a new vaccine for the new Indian variant. It’s called the Pun Jab.

[I P Knightley]

9 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said:

Scientists have discovered a new vaccine for the new Indian variant. It’s called the Pun Jab.

My naan had that but she fell into a korma. 

[obua]

30 minutes ago, I P Knightley said:

My naan had that but she fell into a korma. 

I’d tikka chance on it.

[narre]

On 21/05/2021 at 01:50, Lemongrab said:

I asked a prostitute if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz.

 

She said, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".

1970s jokes are the best

[luckyBatistuta]

4 hours ago, I P Knightley said:

My naan had that but she fell into a korma. 

 

[narre]

Pray for my Mother-In-Law She's been taken to hospital as a bee landed on her face.

Luckily she wasn't stung... I was too quick with the spade!

 

[John Gentleman]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

[John Gentleman]

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

[John Gentleman]

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

[John Gentleman]

Local Polis are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

 

[John Gentleman]

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

[John Gentleman]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

[A Boy Named Crow]

4 hours ago, John Gentleman said:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Edited May 22, 2021 by A Boy Named Crow

[1953]

I phoned my Hibs pals yesterday morning to congratulate them on winning the cup but as my wife says, I suffer from premature congratulations, at least that's what I thought she said!

[narre]

My wife said it's either her or the dog...

So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath, or my beloved canine!

[narre]

A lady carrying a duck walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Where did you get that pig?"

The lady replies, "It's a duck!"

The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"

[superjack]

Hmm I hired a handy man gave him a list of stuff to do came back a few hrs later. He only did # 1, 3 & 5 on the list turns out he only does odd jobs!!

[superjack]

When I was young my dad told me to go to my room without any tea.
I shouted down "Jim Morrison was overrated".
My dad shouted back "what have I told you about slamming doors".

[narre]

Sad news today.

After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time and effort.

A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet!

[narre]

My girlfriend just called and said Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected special resin into her crack...

 

I'm not normally suspicious but she hasn't got a car!

[narre]

As I was sat at my desk earlier, my boss crept in and sat in the corner.

"Don't mind me" he said. "Pretend I'm not here!"

So I cracked open a can of lager, phoned my mate in Australia, then had a wank!

[narre]

I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me,

squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number sexy."

I said, "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Yes."

I said, "Well **** off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing!"

[1953]

****True facts****

1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.

Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'

2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...

Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David,

Hearts - Charlemagne,

Clubs -Alexander the Great,

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

6. Every year since the dawn of time Hibs fans have said they are going to win the cup, hence the phrase ‘deluded twats’.

[Maple Leaf]

2 hours ago, 1953 said:

****True facts****

1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.

Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'

2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...

Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David,

Hearts - Charlemagne,

Clubs -Alexander the Great,

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

6. Every year since the dawn of time Hibs fans have said they are going to win the cup, hence the phrase ‘deluded twats’.

 

Number 6 is certainly true.

[milky_26]

3 hours ago, 1953 said:

****True facts****

1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.

Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'

2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...

Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David,

Hearts - Charlemagne,

Clubs -Alexander the Great,

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

6. Every year since the dawn of time Hibs fans have said they are going to win the cup, hence the phrase ‘deluded twats’.

number 2 i think is wrong as i believe it comes from the old dutch word for club "kolf" 

[1953]

47 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

number 2 i think is wrong as i believe it comes from the old dutch word for club "kolf" 

I also sent the joke to my hibs pal and he also said no2 was incorrect. I didn't bother checking any of the facts as it was a joke. Wouldn't shock me if none of them are correct.

[Maple Leaf]

1 hour ago, 1953 said:

I also sent the joke to my hibs pal and he also said no2 was incorrect. I didn't bother checking any of the facts as it was a joke. Wouldn't shock me if none of them are correct.

 

It's a joke thread so all are tongue in cheek and/or urban myth .... except the one about Hibs.