The Real Maroonblood Posted May 24, 2020 Share Posted May 24, 2020 38 minutes ago, Morgan said: Take it you go back to roofing tomorrow (or soon)? Things getting back to normal in a lot of ways here too. 👍 Still a wee bit surreal, but definite signs of improvement. And, the Italians are still forbidden to come into France!! Keep the foreigners out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted May 24, 2020 Share Posted May 24, 2020 7 minutes ago, The Real Maroonblood said: Keep the foreigners out. That’s the spirit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted May 24, 2020 Share Posted May 24, 2020 Just now, Morgan said: That’s the spirit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted May 24, 2020 Share Posted May 24, 2020 1 hour ago, Morgan said: Take it you go back to roofing tomorrow (or soon)? Things getting back to normal in a lot of ways here too. 👍 Still a wee bit surreal, but definite signs of improvement. And, the Italians are still forbidden to come into France!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 15 hours ago, narre said: For sale: Muhammad Ali DVD collection. George Foreman grill. Both boxed. 🙌 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 On 22/05/2020 at 19:03, Seaside jambo said: A guy goes for a check up at the docs , a little Thai nurse comes into the room and tells the guy that she’s here to carry out a few tests before the doc starts. She tells the guy to drop his trousers n pants so she can carry out a testicle test, she proceeds to cup his balls in her hand , she says to him it’s ok sir to get an erection during this procedure, guys say I haven’t got one ! She reply’s no but I have Sorry for that one 😃 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 A boat carrying red paint has crashed into a boat carrying blue paint... The crew have been marooned! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 A man goes to the doctors as he has a lump growing on his forehead. The doc examines it and says, "I've some bad news for you, you have a penis growing there." "Oh no, I'll look like a freak!", the man yells. "Don't worry, you'll not be able to see it." says the doctor. "Why not?', asked the man. "The baws will be covering your eyes." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 3 minutes ago, Lemongrab said: A man goes to the doctors as he has a lump growing on his forehead. The doc examines it and says, "I've some bad news for you, you have a penis growing there." "Oh no, I'll look like a freak!", the man yells. "Don't worry, you'll not be able to see it." says the doctor. "Why not?', asked the man. "The baws will be covering your eyes." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 First sentry: "Alarm! Two enemy soldiers are approaching." Second sentry: "Are they close?" First sentry: "Well, I heard them say that they've been friends since childhood." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 14 hours ago, Lemongrab said: A man goes to the doctors as he has a lump growing on his forehead. The doc examines it and says, "I've some bad news for you, you have a penis growing there." "Oh no, I'll look like a freak!", the man yells. "Don't worry, you'll not be able to see it." says the doctor. "Why not?', asked the man. "The baws will be covering your eyes." 😄Damn that's a classic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 I was in the garden earlier when my wife shouted down from the bedroom window. "Fancy coming up here and sucking my tits?" she said . "I can't be bothered coming upstairs," I replied. "Just take your bra off and I'll do it from down here!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 Dominic Cummings had Covid 19 for ten days. "It's the worst ten days I've experienced"... ...said Covid 19. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 (edited) 47 minutes ago, martoon said: Dominic Cummings had Covid 19 for ten days. "It's the worst ten days I've experienced"... ...said Covid 19. someone was watching the last leg or HIGNFY Edited May 29, 2020 by milky_26 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 41 minutes ago, milky_26 said: someone was watching the last leg or HIGNFY Ha, ha. The latter, bud. 😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 1 minute ago, martoon said: Ha, ha. The latter, bud. 😉 had a few and could not remember whih one it was in its like the dominic cummings golf shot - a long drive that goes out of bounds but does not incur a penalty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 Just now, milky_26 said: had a few and could not remember whih one it was in its like the dominic cummings golf shot - a long drive that goes out of bounds but does not incur a penalty 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 46 minutes ago, milky_26 said: someone was watching the last leg or HIGNFY Can't recall now if it was Paul mertoon or martoon Clunes who said it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 23 minutes ago, martoon said: Can't recall now if it was Paul mertoon or martoon Clunes who said it. clunes, initially i thought it was adam hills :😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 1 hour ago, milky_26 said: had a few and could not remember whih one it was in its like the dominic cummings golf shot - a long drive that goes out of bounds but does not incur a penalty Or the Barnard Castle - a short drive but you can't find your ball. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says, "You've got one minute to get out." A tortoise in the back shouts, "You *******!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my sons train set by myself , so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it... I think I've managed to cover my tracks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 On 08/03/2020 at 20:52, Dawnrazor said: A man who can't stop singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs has been diagnosed with Crooners virus. I have a recurring nightmare where I can't stop singing 'Love Is All Around' It's a Wet Wet Wet dream Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 A new study reveals that most men can spot a gay man from his face alone. It's the face that's buried in another man's arsehole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 A man goes to confession after a long absence. He sits in the booth, looks around & says to the Priest, ''The confessional has really changed father. I don't remember Guinness on tap and gay porn mags in the booths. " The Priest said, "That's because you're in my ****in seat!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Apologies in advance for the use of old-fashioned terminology. The people of an Indian tribe ask their chief how they should prepare for winter. The Chief replies, "Collect firewood." The people run off, collecting as much firewood as they can. The Chief thinks to himself, "Maybe I should check up on this," so he phones the weather office and asks what sort of winter they're predicting. "We're forecasting a cold winter," the weather office tells him. A wee bit worried, the Chief calls his people together and says ,"Maybe I understated the winter. I think it's going to be really cold, so go out and gather more firewood." The people run off again, gathering more wood." The Chief decides to check with the weather office again, so phones them. The guy at the weather office says, "We've updated our forecast. Now we're forecasting a really, really cold winter." "What made you change your forecast?" asks the Chief. Came the reply, "The Indians are gathering firewood like crazy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horatio Caine Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 The Hibby who was looking forward to s******g his mother's sister was disappointed when it just turned out to be an auntie climax. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 (edited) There are three kind of people in this world, those that can count.......and those that can't Edited June 5, 2020 by Dawnrazor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Since getting stuck in a lift, I've become petrified of them... So now I've started taking steps to avoid them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Me and my girlfriend had sex in my car last night and it was pretty uncomfortable... I wish we'd dropped her parents off first! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 Bloody autocorrect strikes again... The other day I sent my best mate a text saying, 'Hey Dave, do you fancy coming for a wank along the river?' I mean, how embarrassing... I meant 'canal' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 10 minutes ago, narre said: Since getting stuck in a lift, I've become petrified of them... So now I've started taking steps to avoid them! Getting over one's fear of lifts is rather elevating... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 I think the woman in the house across the bottom of my garden has been stalking me. She's been in her room googling my name. I saw her doing so through my binoculars. (Apologies if this one has already appeared in the thread) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 10 hours ago, Dawnrazor said: There are three kind of people in this world, those that can count.......and those that can't There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 There are two major requirements for Coronavirus to spread through a country: 1) A dense population. 2) A dense population. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted June 6, 2020 Author Share Posted June 6, 2020 28 minutes ago, redjambo said: There are two major requirements for Coronavirus to spread through a country: 1) A dense population. 2) A dense population. How do we explain Hong Kong, 4 deaths from 7.5 million? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted June 6, 2020 Author Share Posted June 6, 2020 20 minutes ago, Smithee said: How do we explain Hong Kong, 4 deaths from 7.5 million? 🤦♂️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 What size is the queue at B&Q? The same size as the B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 BREAKING: Statue of Boris Johnson to be placed on Thames riverbed to save time later! A lorry load of Brillo pads was stolen last night... Police are currently scouring the area! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 I've accidentally swallowed some scrabble squares... Going for a poo could spell trouble! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 12, 2020 Share Posted June 12, 2020 "I love you loads, honey pie,"my wife said earlier. "And I love you tons," I replied. "What, no nickname for me?" she asked. Sometimes I swear the fat cow is going deaf! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 14, 2020 Share Posted June 14, 2020 I wasn't very close to .y grandfather when he died. Just as well really as he stood on a landmine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 15, 2020 Share Posted June 15, 2020 If you get an email with the subject "Knock, knock", don't open it. It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 I went to the barbers for a number 2. They were furious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 A wee boy is staying with his gran. Needing the toilet, he says 'I need a pish gran'. Furious with such language, she told him in future to say he 'needs a whisper'. The next day the boy is sent home early from school, and sobbing he tells his gran what happened. 'I put my hand up and said to the teacher I need to whisper and she said to come and do it in her ear'. The gran shrugging replied 'just as well you didn't need a shout!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 Don't be embarrassed about wearing a face mask in public. Some people wear Hibs jerseys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 Here's a strange one, a guy came to our door last night, he asked if I wanted my shed re-tarred, I said no and sent him on his way. Woke up this morning and the shed was gone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted June 18, 2020 Share Posted June 18, 2020 2 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said: Here's a strange one, a guy came to our door last night, he asked if I wanted my shed re-tarred, I said no and sent him on his way. Woke up this morning and the shed was gone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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