superjack Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 There's this old boy who keeps going out and getting plastered. Eventually his wife tells him if he comes home drunk again she'll leave. Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend comes up with a plan - ?Go home,? he says. ?Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.? So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains and tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him and shows her the twenty pounds. She looks puzzled and asks ?But why have you got two ?20 notes?? ?Oh,? he says. ?The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locky Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 That's the story of how sairyinthat had to sell his house in Shotts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 There's this old boy who keeps going out and getting plastered. Eventually his wife tells him if he comes home drunk again she'll leave. Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend comes up with a plan - ?Go home,? he says. ?Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her the other man gave it to you for the dry cleaning bill.? So this he does. His wife is at first angry. But he explains and tells her about the drunk man who threw up on him and shows her the twenty pounds. She looks puzzled and asks ?But why have you got two ?20 notes?? ?Oh,? he says. ?The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.? Was it Clement Freud who told that on TV years ago? Someone with a very plummy accent - very well told. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Sad to hear sir Chris hoy has been stripped of Olympic medals and knighthood because of drugs. He has been peddling for years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Sad to hear sir Chris hoy has been stripped of Olympic medals and knighthood because of drugs. He has been peddling for years. OOOft. Careful what you wish for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Sad to hear sir Chris hoy has been stripped of Olympic medals and knighthood because of drugs. He has been peddling for years. Fat bottomed girls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 (edited) Sad to hear sir Chris hoy has been stripped of Olympic medals and knighthood because of drugs. He has been peddling for years. Motorbiking. Edited September 25, 2016 by Morgan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 I can't eat Egyptian food because afterwards I always falafel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Why did the mushroom go to so many parties? Because he's a fungi. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debut 4 Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 A bloke tapped on my door late last night asking to talk to my carpet...I thought, "thats the last thing I need at this time of night....a Je-hoovers Witness"..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted September 27, 2016 Share Posted September 27, 2016 Debut 4 - should it not be asked to speak to your carpet cleaner? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Scotsman , "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me." The Scotsman replied, "Jings laddie that's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Scotsman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Scotsman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?". The Scotsman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 Two ducks are flying over Belfast,one says to the other Quack Quack,the other duck replied I'm going as quack as I can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.....they're at the door now...... ....and they're off . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Illustrious Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 When my wife left me I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, brought a big motorbike, shagged two women and spent about a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go ****ing mental when she gets home from work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Guy walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm. Do you see fishcakes in here? Yes sir of course. Well give me one for Sammy here, its his birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Guy walks into B&Q Hey its about that bath you sold me, the water doesn't stay in it. Sir, did you put the plug in? Why? Is it electric? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Getintaethem Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 (edited) Wrong fred Edited October 1, 2016 by Getintaethem Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 When my wife left me I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, brought a big motorbike, shagged two women and spent about a grand on drink and drugs. She'll go ******* mental when she gets home from work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 It's loads better now, but we used to say that American beer was like sex in a canoe. F---ing close to water. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 "Doctor, doctor can I have a second opinion?" Yes come back tomorrow! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 guy boards a plane with lobsters in a box,presses the call button for the air hostess and asks her to put the crabs in the freezer cabinet. Warns her that she must not let them thaw or there will be dire consequences as he is a lawyer and there will be hell to pay. Later in the flight the planes tannoy opens and the air hostess asks will the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleons raise his hand. Nobody moved so she took them home and ate them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 "The train arriving at platforms 2, 3, 6 and 7.........is coming in sideways." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 guy boards a plane with lobsters in a box,presses the call button for the air hostess and asks her to put the crabs in the freezer cabinet. Warns her that she must not let them thaw or there will be dire consequences as he is a lawyer and there will be hell to pay. Later in the flight the planes tannoy opens and the air hostess asks will the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleons raise his hand. Nobody moved so she took them home and ate them. What happened to guys lobsters? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 I was in the pub beside this dame who was tidy,she caught me sneaking looks at her figure and asked what I was looking at. I said I was trying to guess her date of birth which I could do by handling her breasts.she scrutinised me for a bit then said okay then prove it.After about ten minutes she said well then when was I born. Yeaterday I said,got six stitches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 (edited) guy boards a plane with lobsters in a box,presses the call button for the air hostess and asks her to put the crabs in the freezer cabinet. Warns her that she must not let them thaw or there will be dire consequences as he is a lawyer and there will be hell to pay. Later in the flight the planes tannoy opens and the air hostess asks will the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleons raise his hand. Nobody moved so she took them home and ate them. She ate the crabs and left the poor lobsters on the plane? Edited October 4, 2016 by Morgan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sairyinthat Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 same pub a horror came up behind me and grabbed my arse,Oh cute she said have you got a phone number.Yes do you have a pen?I do she said,well you better get back in it before the farmer misses you.Broken nose that time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 "Doctor, doctor can I have a second opinion?" Yes come back tomorrow! Doctor: I think you have cancer. Patient: I want a second opinion. Doctor: OK, you're ugly as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant. After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says, "I'm sorry...... You can't come in here without a Thai. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant. After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says, "I'm sorry...... You can't come in here without a Thai. " FFS! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 What's white and slides across the floor? Come Dancing. Whars white and slides strictly across the floor? Ach **** it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarkus1981 Posted October 8, 2016 Share Posted October 8, 2016 Doctor doctor, I feel like a coconut. Your bounty Sent from my LG-H850 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 Whats the difference between a Glaswegian woman and a walrus? Ones got a mustache and smells of fish, the other ones a walrus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Went to weight watchers last night. Opened a pack of maltesers and threw them all over the floor. best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Liked the one from last year: What's the difference between a Zippo and a Hippo? One's really heavy the others a little lighter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 Went to weight watchers last night. Opened a pack of maltesers and threw them all over the floor. best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen. Taking a turn from the jokes for a moment to tell a version of this that's a true story. My home town, Durham, NC, is home to the Duke Rice Diet clinic, which is basically a fat farm that decades ago saw a wide range of celebrities come through to lose weight over the years. This included the real Colonel Sanders, Elvis, William Rosenburg (the founder of Dunkin' Doughnuts), Dom Delouise, and Buddy Hackett. (Delouise famously walked into a room where Rosenburg and Sanders were sitting, pointed to them, and said, "look, it's the guys that got us all in here!") The story goes that someone (some say it was Hackett, others say it was someone else) got tired of the authoritarian style of Dr. Kempner, the German doctor who ran the place, as well as the gossip and back-biting that happened there and went and got a small dump truck and bought a couple palettes worth of Snickers bars. He then backed the truck up to the front door of the clinic and dumped them there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted October 11, 2016 Share Posted October 11, 2016 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant. After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says, "I'm sorry...... You can't come in here without a Thai. " hope you copied and pasted that...phew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 What does Barbie like to do on Halloween? Pump Ken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Stolen from my mates Facebook - brutal Just heard a rumour that Sir Paul McCartney is already arguing with his new wife. Apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last wife did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 What does Barbie like to do on Halloween? Pump Ken. Or Hibs fans? Pump kin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
@VladMagic Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Guy walks into a bar with a gun. "Which one of you sons of bitches had sex with my wife??" Silence.. Voice from back of the bar pipes up "You aint got enough bullets in that there gun son" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 A Scotsman, Englishman and Indian go skydiving. The Scotsman jumps out and shouts "GERONIMO" Then the Englishman jumps out and shouts "GERONIMO" Lastly the Indian jumps out and shouts "MEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Yeah and I see he bought his previous wife a plane for her birthday. And a Lady Shave for her other leg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Apparently they're not making shortbread any longer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 A bunch of guys are sitting around the boundary at a cricket match between Some Team and Somewhere Else. One turns to another and says: "Harry, you are a smart guy, can you answer a question for me?" So Harry says: "I'll have a go, Bobby." Bobby says: "If a man has a 16-inch d*ck, how much does he weigh?" Harry thinks for a moment and says "No idea, how much." Bobby says: "Twelve stone eight." Finally, inevitably, Harry says "How do you reckon that?" And Bobby says: "I weighed myself this morning." * True story, you see, my name is Bobby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 A mate of mine who works in the Nestl? factory was involved in an accident that resulted in a serious injury. He works on the warehouse and a pallet of chocolates fell off a shelf 50 foot up and landed on him. He tried to get help but to no avail, every time he shouted out "the milky bars are on me" everyone else just cheered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 A mate of mine who works in the Nestl? factory was involved in an accident that resulted in a serious injury. He works on the warehouse and a pallet of chocolates fell off a shelf 50 foot up and landed on him. He tried to get help but to no avail, every time he shouted out "the milky bars are on me" everyone else just cheered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a very fine restaurant. After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says, "I'm sorry...... You can't come in here without a Thai. " I used this one today, but a much, much shorter version. It got suitable groans, then laughter, so it's a good one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I was just diagnosed as colour-blind. I must say, it hit me like a bolt from the yellow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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