narre Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 A wee woman from Fife has five sons,all police officers,so the five lads are sitting at the breakfast table one morning and their mother asks,whae's fur porridge and the boys reply me maw me maw me maw me maw me maw Guy walks into a pub and shouts at the barman hey donkey gees a pint o lager,five minutes later hey donkey gees another pint o lager,guy drinks up and leaves. Another guy sitting at the bar has been watching this asks the barman,why does he call you donkey,the barman says,i don't know HE HAW HE HAW HEHALWAYS calls me that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davie1980 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting Cow Interrupting C... MOOOOO! That's going to work so much better in spoken word Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Stevie Wonder was playing a show in Japan. After playing a few songs, he then asked the audience for requests. One man stood up and shouted "play a jazz chord!". Stevie thought it was strange, but keyed a single, complex chord on piano and asked "is that what you wanted" "No, play a jazz chord!" Stevie then decided to expand on this, so played a short but very strange, meandering piece of music with a few jazz chords. "No no no, play a jazz chord!" Stevie then starts getting pissed off. He starts playing every single conceivable jazz pattern he can think of without any regard for whether people like it or not. He played it in the most jazzed up manner possible in the hopes that this fan would finally be happy. "No, no, nonono. Nooo! Play a jazz chord" A jazz chooord!" Stevie had enough: "God ****ing dammit, I have played every single bit of jazz I know!!! If you're not happy, then why don't you get up and play???" Up steps the japanese man. He walks up to the microphone and softly sings "A jazz chord, to shay, I ruv you.... Did you hear about Stevie Wonder and the cheese grater?.Best book hes ever read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Did you hear about Stevie Wonder and the cheese grater?. Best book hes ever read. Have you seen his wife? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Did you hear about Stevie Wonder and the cheese grater?. Best book hes ever read. I heard it was most violent book he had ever read Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Have you seen his wife?No, but neither has he. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Have you seen his wife? I didn't even know she was missing. Good luck with your search bud. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I didn't even know she was missing. Good luck with your search bud. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroongoals Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 It's a good job we have Venetian blinds available otherwise it would mean curtains for the lot of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera" You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "No, you sick ****. I'll be putting it up in my living room." That last one's had me chuckling to myself for the last few hours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hayhojambo Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 "**** me. Hibs still haven't won the Scottish cup. " Said Marty Mcfly tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
269miles Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 What does DNA stand for ? National Dyslexic Association. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig Gordons Gloves Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) Stevie Wonder was playing a show in Japan. After playing a few songs, he then asked the audience for requests. One man stood up and shouted "play a jazz chord!". Stevie thought it was strange, but keyed a single, complex chord on piano and asked "is that what you wanted" "No, play a jazz chord!" Stevie then decided to expand on this, so played a short but very strange, meandering piece of music with a few jazz chords. "No no no, play a jazz chord!" Stevie then starts getting pissed off. He starts playing every single conceivable jazz pattern he can think of without any regard for whether people like it or not. He played it in the most jazzed up manner possible in the hopes that this fan would finally be happy. "No, no, nonono. Nooo! Play a jazz chord" A jazz chooord!" Stevie had enough: "God ****ing dammit, I have played every single bit of jazz I know!!! If you're not happy, then why don't you get up and play???" Up steps the japanese man. He walks up to the microphone and softly sings "A jazz chord, to shay, I ruv you.... The version i heard was Cliff Richard playing in Japan and the crowd kept demanding he sing "itchy fannny" Edited October 20, 2015 by Craig Gordons Gloves Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Templeton Peck Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 The version i heard was Cliff Richard playing in Japan and the crowd kept demanding he sing "itchy fannny" Classic joke Cliff and the Japanese don't talk anymore.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locky Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Stevie Wonder was playing a show in Japan. After playing a few songs, he then asked the audience for requests. One man stood up and shouted "play a jazz chord!". Stevie thought it was strange, but keyed a single, complex chord on piano and asked "is that what you wanted" "No, play a jazz chord!" Stevie then decided to expand on this, so played a short but very strange, meandering piece of music with a few jazz chords. "No no no, play a jazz chord!" Stevie then starts getting pissed off. He starts playing every single conceivable jazz pattern he can think of without any regard for whether people like it or not. He played it in the most jazzed up manner possible in the hopes that this fan would finally be happy. "No, no, nonono. Nooo! Play a jazz chord" A jazz chooord!" Stevie had enough: "God ****ing dammit, I have played every single bit of jazz I know!!! If you're not happy, then why don't you get up and play???" Up steps the japanese man. He walks up to the microphone and softly sings "A jazz chord, to shay, I ruv you.... :rofl: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzz Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Two Irish lads walking through the forest,they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted".One turns to the other and says "sure it's a pity there's just the two of us" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzz Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) My old dad always said "fight fire with fire ".That's why he was sacked by the fire brigade.(courtesy of Harry Hill) Edited October 21, 2015 by buzz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invernessjt Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Got a new bookcase to accomodate the "Complete Works of Dusty Springfield" that I ordered from Amazon. Called, they said they said they would no longer stock it. I Don't Know What to Do With My Shelf I had always heard this joke as "Sean Connery got a new bookcase" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hmfc_liam06 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics. If it's a success his next one will be about Kent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maroon 5-1 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 What's six inches long and starts with a p? A poo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 KB should publish this thread, it make a fortune. What do you call half a rabbit? Rab What's invisible and smells of carrots? One of bugs bunny's farts. A bear in the woods is having a shite and a rabbit runs past. The bear says to the Rabbit ' see when you do a shite does it stick to your fur'. Rabbits says 'No'. So the bear wipes his arse with the Rabbit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinks Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 What's the smelliest thing in the world? A kippers ****y Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Boy in a pub is discussing his marital problems with the barman, and mentions that he and his wife don't have sex anymore. "I've got a parrot out the back that gives excellent blow jobs" says the barman, and the customer goes to see it. After a while he returns to the bar and asks the barman if he can buy the parrot for ?30. The barman agrees and the man takes the parrot home. His wife takes one look at it and says to her husband, "What the hell do you expect me to do with that?" "Teach it to cook, then **** off" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 A telegram delivery man rings the bell to deliver his next telegram. A old woman answers and says "Oh goody! A singing telegram..I've always wanted to get one of these." The delivery man replies "I'm sorry ma'am but this isn't a singing telegram, it's just a regular telegram." The woman, obviously disappointed, sighs and says "Couldn't you sing it to me anyway, I'm 91 years old and this may be my last chance to get a singing telegram? The delivery man says "No ma'am, it's not the kind of telegram you sing, and I don't sing very well anyway." The woman pleads and pleads with him "Please, please sing me telegram.." The man finally gives in and starts-up "Da-da-de-dum-dum-dum..Your sister Rose is dead..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WSTR Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Why did the lion get lost in the jungle? Cos Jungle is massive! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 What's the difference between a duck? One of its feet is both the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 After 25 years on the same route, it's a postal carrier's last week before he moves to an office job. He visits all of the houses on his route to tell them. On Friday, people are quite kind. Some give him cards, some give him dollar bills. He reaches one of his last houses, and as he knocks the door opens revealing the beautiful woman of the house in a stunning dress, inviting him in for dinner. On the table there's a lovely spread, so hating to turn this down he sits down and eats with this woman. As he finishes, she stands up and slips off her dress revealing a very provocative neglige, then invites him upstairs. Bemused, he follows her up. After a good hour in bed, she sits up, reaches over into her purse, pulls out a one dollar bill and hands it to him. He takes the bill, gapes at it a bit, and finally turns to her and says, "Look, I don't want to sound ungrateful -- this has been a far better last day on the route than I would have ever dreamed. But you've got to help me out here. You invite me in, make me dinner, come upstairs, we screw like bunnies, and then you out and hand me a dollar? You've got tell me what's going on!" She smiles and replies, "well, it's really down to my husband. The other day when he got home, I told him you were finishing your route and asked what he thought I should do for you. He said, '**** him, give him a dollar.' But the dinner was my idea!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 What's a foot long, leathery and makes a noise like a sneeze? A Shoe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 What's the difference between a duck? One of its feet is both the same. I've read this a number of times and still don't have a clue what is going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Not an actual joke, but ... It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Not an actual joke, but ... It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Des' Dad Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? Dubai no longer show the Flinstones on the TV but Abu Dhabi do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Locky Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Did you hear about when Grandmaster Flash ate at a Malaysian restaurant? He ordered beef rendang-diggitydangadang. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 What does Barbie like to do on Halloween? Pump Ken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboz Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 What does Barbie like to do on Halloween? Pump Ken. The one I heard was - What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump kin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 The one I heard was - What do hibbies do on Halloween? Pump kinFTFY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboz Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 FTFY Lol Also interchangeable with Tasmanians, Collingwood supporters etc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hayhojambo Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 What's small and hairy and sounds like a horse with no legs? Half a coconut. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kenny Garland Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 My wife was going to make a jelly in the shape of Barack Obama. But I told her that would set a president. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 My mate said to his wife. "Your ffffanny smells like coconut" She says "its bounty" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 (edited) What do you call a Glaswegian Superhero? Quality Man Said in a Weegie accent for best effect. Edited November 14, 2015 by Kmeister Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 How do you make a Ouija board? Take away his Giro. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroonlegions Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'She replied, 'I'm late for work.''Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?''I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.The cop stammered, 'A what?............'A Rectum Stretcher!''And just what does a rectum stretcher do?''Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet''And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 When I was about to get married, I told my friends, "I'm wearing a kilt." "Oh!" they said, "What's the tartan?" I told them, "She'll be wearing a white dress." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 The interviewer asks the expected question, "What would you say is your greatest weakness in work." The candidate says, "I'm always scrupulously honest." Interviewer: "I don't think that's a weakness!" Candidate: "I don't give a flying Fock what you think." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 King Arthur's roundest knight was Sir Cumference. He ate an awful lot of Pi. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted June 10, 2016 Share Posted June 10, 2016 The guy who invented predictive text has sadly passed away. His funeral is on monkey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 The guy who invented predictive text has sadly passed away. His funeral is on monkey heey good bump! I heard Kermit finally got Miss Piggy pregnant - they had two frigs and a pog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted June 10, 2016 Author Share Posted June 10, 2016 A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by The Flying Scotsman When it happened he was chuffed to bits. I'm here all week.... that one's up there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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