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Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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Tazio

:lol:

 

Too good for this thread.

 

Just for you Boof one in a similar vein. 

 

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif"

 

The barman replies "You'll be lucky"

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rudi must stay

2 packets of crisps are walking down a road when a car pulls over.

'Do you want a lift'

'No thanks we're walkers'

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And he's not praying

Just for you Boof one in a similar vein.

 

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif"

 

The barman replies "You'll be lucky"

:laugh:

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...a bit disco

What's black and sails around the world?

 

 

 

Binbag the sailor.

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I P Knightley

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

 

 

 

Aye, matey!

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Eddie

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

 

Tickle its balls

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iantjambo

A cow is standing waiting to cross a road. A chicken comes up behind him and says "Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

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Fort Vallance

It was indeed, king of the crap joke was old bob

The guy who said "people laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. We'll they're not laughing now"

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Smithee

The guy who said "people laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. We'll they're not laughing now"

:lol: that's exactly the one we were talking about

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winniethedog

My wife left me last night saying that i love my football more than her. Shame really as we'd been married for 16 seasons

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Governor Tarkin

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif"

 

The barman replies "You'll be lucky"

:D

Edited by Governor Tarkin

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Maple Leaf

Why is it OK for a well-behaved seagull to steal milk from a cow?

 

Because one good tern deserves an udder.

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GlasgoJambo

My wife left me last night saying that i love my football more than her. Shame really as we'd been married for 16 seasons

 

:lol:

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GlasgoJambo

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To get to the other side.

 

As my friend once pointed out there may be more to this joke than face value.

It could be the chicken was contemplating committing suicide, crossing the busy road would fulfill this objective and thus he would reach 'the other side'

 

Nah, probably not but it gave us at least fifteen minutes discussion in the pub one afternoon.

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Smithee

As my friend once pointed out there may be more to this joke than face value.

It could be the chicken was contemplating committing suicide, crossing the busy road would fulfill this objective and thus he would reach 'the other side'

 

Nah, probably not but it gave us at least fifteen minutes discussion in the pub one afternoon.

I've been told this before

 

Maybe use it at halloween with a bit of a muhaha, see how it goes

Edited by Smithee

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...a bit disco

Why did the hamster cross the road?

 

 

 

It was stapled to the chicken.

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Ugly American

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

 

 

 

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

 

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first monkey

 

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

 

 

A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender laughs and says, "hey, you know, we've got a drink named after you."  The grasshopper says, "you've got a drink named Larry?"

 

 

 

How many dull people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

one

 

 

 

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, the problem is getting them in there.

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Ugly American

Also, behold, the king of the trolls:

 

11259743_1006615136068431_49821276699206

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rudi must stay

What did the robot say to the petrol pump?

 

Take your finger out your ear when i'm talking to you

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hayhojambo

 

And God said to John, "Come forth and you will be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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hayhojambo

"My guide dog's got no nose"

 

"Oh really? How does he smell then?"

 

"Who said that?"

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aussieh

Where do Chimps make toast?

 

Under the Gorilla.

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I P Knightley

What's brass and sounds like trombones?

 

 

 

Tom Jones.

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Kmeister

I walked into the pub and my mate said that Tom Jones had just been in

 

I replied "It's not unusual.".

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Clark Griswold

Two tampons walking down the street, which one says hello?

 

 

None, cos they're all stuck up ^^^^s

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Sawdust Caesar

I have a friend who had to give up his dream of becoming a professional wrestler because of his heroin addiction. He could just never lay the smackdown.

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Stupid Sexy Flanders

What's brass and sounds like trombones?

 

 

 

Tom Jones.

I think you've got that the wrong way round. :lol:

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Dr. Sheldon Cooper

A man went to a fancy dress party carrying his wife on his back.

 

"What have you come dressed as?" the host asked.

 

The man replied, "a snail, and this is Michelle".

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I P Knightley

I think you've got that the wrong way round. :lol:

Either or either. Mine is more unashamedly crap.

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Jaap's Sigh

Why did the sperm cross the road?

 

 

Because I put the wrong sock on that day.

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rudolfskai

Why did the hamster cross the road?

 

 

 

It was stapled to the chicken.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

 

To see his flat mate

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jamboz

Which biscuit can fly?

 

The wee plain one.

 

What do you get hanging from banana trees?

 

Sore arms

 

Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom, boom

 

What's white and hops around the Australian outback?

 

Skippy the Bush kangafridge

 

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

 

I'll tell you next week.

 

I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.

 

I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect.

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jamboz

She was only the architects daughter but she let the borough surveyor.

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WSTR

A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.

 

"Long day?" the bartender asks.

 

"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

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WSTR

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

 

To get to the other side

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gogsfaesydney

What's blue and white and if it fell out a tree would kill you

 

 

 

 

 

 

A fridge with a Levi jacket on

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WSTR

What's blue and white and if it fell out a tree would kill you

 

 

 

 

 

 

A fridge with a Levi jacket on

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

 

She was hit by a fridge.

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Silverymoon

What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare ?

 

You can't pull a rabbit out your a#se.

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highlandjambo3

toothless wood worm crawls into a bar and asks..................."where is the bar tender"......................TAXI....

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I P Knightley

Q: What thinks the unthinkable?

 

 

A: An itheberg.

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topcat

My brother was showing off his new "Slow Cooker"

 

**** him! I've got a fridge freezer. You can't get much slower than that

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I P Knightley

The SSPCA were called out to investigate allegations that some of the Hibs players wee having a kick about with a hedgehog.

 

When they got there, the hedgehog was two goals up.

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Neilson's Shank

Two bits of black tarmac were having a pint when a bit of red tarmac comes in,

 

first bit of black tarmac moves, "lets go he's a cycle path"

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mrmarkus1981

Guy asks shopkeeper ' excuse me, have you got any tinned pigeon'?

 

Shopkeeper replies ' sorry sir, no can doo'

 

Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk

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aussieh

Whats red and goes nee naw, nee naw through a field?.

 

Little beau fire engine.

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aussieh

Whats yellow and swings through the jungle?.

 

Tarzipan.

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Sawdust Caesar

Why don't fairies get pregnant?

 

Because they only go to goblin parties.

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Smithee

Mods, is it too late to change the title of this thread to Pure Gold?

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LeftBack

Boy goes to fancy dress party just wearing his underwear. When asked what he was he said a premature ejaculation. Ive just come in my pants.

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