I P Knightley Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey! Quote
Eddie Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 How do you make a snooker table laugh? Tickle its balls Quote
iantjambo Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 A cow is standing waiting to cross a road. A chicken comes up behind him and says "Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it" Quote
Fort Vallance Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 It was indeed, king of the crap joke was old bob The guy who said "people laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. We'll they're not laughing now" Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted September 4, 2015 Author Posted September 4, 2015 The guy who said "people laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. We'll they're not laughing now" that's exactly the one we were talking about Quote
winniethedog Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 My wife left me last night saying that i love my football more than her. Shame really as we'd been married for 16 seasons Quote
Governor Tarkin Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif" The barman replies "You'll be lucky" Edited September 4, 2015 by Governor Tarkin Quote
Maple Leaf Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Why is it OK for a well-behaved seagull to steal milk from a cow? Because one good tern deserves an udder. Quote
GlasgoJambo Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 My wife left me last night saying that i love my football more than her. Shame really as we'd been married for 16 seasons Quote
GlasgoJambo Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. As my friend once pointed out there may be more to this joke than face value. It could be the chicken was contemplating committing suicide, crossing the busy road would fulfill this objective and thus he would reach 'the other side' Nah, probably not but it gave us at least fifteen minutes discussion in the pub one afternoon. Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted September 4, 2015 Author Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) As my friend once pointed out there may be more to this joke than face value. It could be the chicken was contemplating committing suicide, crossing the busy road would fulfill this objective and thus he would reach 'the other side' Nah, probably not but it gave us at least fifteen minutes discussion in the pub one afternoon. I've been told this before Maybe use it at halloween with a bit of a muhaha, see how it goes Edited September 4, 2015 by Smithee Quote
...a bit disco Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Why did the hamster cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken. Quote
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. A grasshopper walks into a bar, the bartender laughs and says, "hey, you know, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "you've got a drink named Larry?" How many dull people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, the problem is getting them in there. Quote
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Also, behold, the king of the trolls: Quote
rudi must stay Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 What did the robot say to the petrol pump? Take your finger out your ear when i'm talking to you Quote
hayhojambo Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 And God said to John, "Come forth and you will be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster. Quote
hayhojambo Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 "My guide dog's got no nose" "Oh really? How does he smell then?" "Who said that?" Quote
aussieh Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Where do Chimps make toast? Under the Gorilla. Quote
I P Knightley Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 What's brass and sounds like trombones? Tom Jones. Quote
Kmeister Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I walked into the pub and my mate said that Tom Jones had just been in I replied "It's not unusual.". Quote
Clark Griswold Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Two tampons walking down the street, which one says hello? None, cos they're all stuck up ^^^^s Quote
Sawdust Caesar Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I have a friend who had to give up his dream of becoming a professional wrestler because of his heroin addiction. He could just never lay the smackdown. Quote
Stupid Sexy Flanders Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 What's brass and sounds like trombones? Tom Jones. I think you've got that the wrong way round. Quote
Dr. Sheldon Cooper Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 A man went to a fancy dress party carrying his wife on his back. "What have you come dressed as?" the host asked. The man replied, "a snail, and this is Michelle". Quote
I P Knightley Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I think you've got that the wrong way round. Either or either. Mine is more unashamedly crap. Quote
Jaap's Sigh Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on that day. Quote
rudolfskai Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Why did the hamster cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken. Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate Quote
jamboz Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Which biscuit can fly? The wee plain one. What do you get hanging from banana trees? Sore arms Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom, boom What's white and hops around the Australian outback? Skippy the Bush kangafridge How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you next week. I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure. I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect. Quote
jamboz Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 She was only the architects daughter but she let the borough surveyor. Quote
WSTR Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is. Quote
WSTR Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side Quote
gogsfaesydney Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 What's blue and white and if it fell out a tree would kill you A fridge with a Levi jacket on Quote
WSTR Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 What's blue and white and if it fell out a tree would kill you A fridge with a Levi jacket on Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She was hit by a fridge. Quote
Silverymoon Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 What's the difference between a rabbit and a hare ? You can't pull a rabbit out your a#se. Quote
highlandjambo3 Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 toothless wood worm crawls into a bar and asks..................."where is the bar tender"......................TAXI.... Quote
I P Knightley Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 Q: What thinks the unthinkable? A: An itheberg. Quote
topcat Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 My brother was showing off his new "Slow Cooker" **** him! I've got a fridge freezer. You can't get much slower than that Quote
I P Knightley Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 The SSPCA were called out to investigate allegations that some of the Hibs players wee having a kick about with a hedgehog. When they got there, the hedgehog was two goals up. Quote
Neilson's Shank Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Two bits of black tarmac were having a pint when a bit of red tarmac comes in, first bit of black tarmac moves, "lets go he's a cycle path" Quote
mrmarkus1981 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Guy asks shopkeeper ' excuse me, have you got any tinned pigeon'? Shopkeeper replies ' sorry sir, no can doo' Sent from my LG-D855 using Tapatalk Quote
aussieh Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Whats red and goes nee naw, nee naw through a field?. Little beau fire engine. Quote
aussieh Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Whats yellow and swings through the jungle?. Tarzipan. Quote
Sawdust Caesar Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Why don't fairies get pregnant? Because they only go to goblin parties. Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 Mods, is it too late to change the title of this thread to Pure Gold? Quote
LeftBack Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Boy goes to fancy dress party just wearing his underwear. When asked what he was he said a premature ejaculation. Ive just come in my pants. Quote
aussieh Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Blind guy walks past a chippie, he says "Evning ladies. Quote
aussieh Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 (edited) I went for a job interview today, while sitting in the waiting, the guy next me to suddenly stands up, whips out his willie and starts wrecking the place. After a few minutes he stops, turns to me and says" Im gonnae shove this up yer arse". I said"Thank god for that, I thought you were gonnae hit me with it". Edited September 7, 2015 by aussieh Quote
Sawdust Caesar Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 How does a Rabbi make a pot of tea? Hebrews it. 1st atom: Did you hear that oxygen and magnesium went on a date? 2nd atom: OMg. A history professor and a psychology professor are sitting outside at a nudist colonyHistory professor: Have you read Marx?Psychology professor: Yes. I think it's from the wicker chairs. I used to do bad Eric Morecambe impressions but gave it up when I saw the error of my wa-heys. Quote
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Cowboy walks into a showroom full of expensive German cars. The salesman says "good morning, sir." And the cowboy says "Audi". Quote
I P Knightley Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Why don't fairies get pregnant? Because they only go to goblin parties. I heard that a fairy got pregnant when she sat on a toadstool. Quote
17,278
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.