Neilson's Shank Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Tourettes suffers: What makes them tick? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Atmosphere. What's that all about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 I take it you mean it is on the pure gold side of the thread. Pure gold crap chief, well played imho Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the jambo poet Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman marooned on a desert island for 15 years together. Finally a bottle washes ashore .. The Scotsman picks it out the water it's all dirty so he rubs it with his sleeve and to their amazement a genie pops out. "I normally grant three wishes" says the genie "but in this case I shall give you 1 wish each" The Scotsman says for my wish I want to go back to the lochs and heather laden highlands back to the land of my fathers .... And poof the next thing he's in the highlands. The Englishman says for his wish he wants to return to England, to London, to his castle, to be back with his family ... And poof the next thing he is in London Paddy stands for a moment thinking ..and says aw I miss me pals I wish they were here ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HHGH1874FTH Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 [emoji106] Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doctor jambo Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman lost in the desert and they are starving to death. They come across the fresh body of a camel and start squabbling about who should eat what. " lets decide by what football team you support- whatever it is, you eat that part" suggests the Englishman. " I support Liverpool"- so he eats the liver. The Scotsman pipes up- "I support Hearts" - so he eats the heart. The Irishman goes pale- " I support Arsenal, but I've lost my appetite" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman lost in the desert and they are starving to death. They come across the fresh body of a camel and start squabbling about who should eat what. " lets decide by what football team you support- whatever it is, you eat that part" suggests the Englishman. " I support Liverpool"- so he eats the liver. The Scotsman pipes up- "I support Hearts" - so he eats the heart. The Irishman goes pale- " I support Arsenal, but I've lost my appetite" Surely it would have been more sensible to start on the fleshy bits? Camel meat tastes good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman lost in the desert and they are starving to death. They come across the fresh body of a camel and start squabbling about who should eat what. " lets decide by what football team you support- whatever it is, you eat that part" suggests the Englishman. " I support Liverpool"- so he eats the liver. The Scotsman pipes up- "I support Hearts" - so he eats the heart. The Irishman goes pale- " I support Arsenal, but I've lost my appetite" Still, could have been a Scunthorpe fan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddiepolio Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 A priest, a rabbi, a minister and Buddhist walk into a pub. What perfect example of an integrated community. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddiepolio Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 What do you call a one legged Chinese gymnast? Juan Jim shue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slevinkelevra Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 3 guys walking through the jungle get captured by a tribe. The tribe leader tells them that they are about to be tied to a tree and shot through the heart by their ace archer. While tied to the tree each man can have one last request, the first man asks for a roast beef dinner. Polishes it off then the ace archer steps up and fires a shot right through the mans heart. 2nd man is tied to the tree and asks for a pint of ice cold lager, polishes it off then the archer again fires a shot right through the mans heart. 3rd man is tied to the tree, the tribe ask what his last request is and he asks for aftershave.... The tribe look stunned but give the man aftershave and he douses the whole bottle all over himself. The ace archer steps up, fires his shot and it goes under the mans right arm, the tribe are shocked as the archer never misses, the archer fires again, this time it goes under the mans left arm, the tribe can't beleive it, the tribe leader tells the man if the archer misses again it is tribe law he has to be let free.... Up steps the archer and fires a shot right over the mans head! True to their word the man is let free, as the man is walking away the tribe leader asks him what kind of aftershave it was .... ARAMIS the man replied :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 A Hearts fan and a Hibs fan uncover a legend about a magical cliff, where if you jump off of it, you'll be transformed into whatever you shout as you go. The Hearts fan goes first, checks to make sure the path is clear, then takes a few steps back, runs and jumps. As he starts to fall, he shouts, "eagle!" and sure enough, he transforms into an eagle and flies away. The Hibs fan goggles at this a bit, screws up his courage, and stumbles towards the cliff. Right as he's about to go over, he trips on a rock, and says, "aw, shite!" Nothing happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WSTR Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 (edited) German POW camp and it is Christmas Time. The Kommandant gets all the prisoners from both the huts lined up and shouts 'As a special Christmas present we are going to allow you all to have a change of underwear !' This was met by loud cheers from the prisoners. 'Hut A will change with Hut B' laughed the Kommandant. Is this a joke? A Hearts fan and a Hibs fan uncover a legend about a magical cliff, where if you jump off of it, you'll be transformed into whatever you shout as you go. The Hearts fan goes first, checks to make sure the path is clear, then takes a few steps back, runs and jumps. As he starts to fall, he shouts, "eagle!" and sure enough, he transforms into an eagle and flies away. The Hibs fan goggles at this a bit, screws up his courage, and stumbles towards the cliff. Right as he's about to go over, he trips on a rock, and says, "aw, shite!" Nothing happens. Edited September 18, 2015 by BarasaMad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WSTR Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 (edited) A priest, a rabbi, a minister and Buddhist walk into a pub. What perfect example of an integrated community. antijoke.com ? Edited September 18, 2015 by BarasaMad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Burgundy Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
269miles Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 How many psyhcologists does it take to change a light bulb ? None . the light bulb must want to change. I used to be a member of an origami club .......but it folded. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HHGH1874FTH Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 I never did get my dream job as a sound technician....... ....but I'm not one two, one two, one two complain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Getintaethem Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotised 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "F*%# ME!"... What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Why do you call a Mexican dwarf a paragraph?He's too small to be a full essay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Must be getting close to the bottom of the barrel now surely? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
269miles Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 I will admit that this one has lost me. Had to look this one up - essay = ese - same pronunciation if ese was pronounced in spanish ese = some slang spanish speakers call each other. like dude a mexican midget is called a paragraph because hes too short to be a dude Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sandyk Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Man has the name of his girlfriend, Wendy, tattooed onto his willy to prove his love. One night out, he goes to the toilet and a Jamaican stands next to him at the urinal. The man cannot help but notice that the Jamaican also has 'Wendy' tattooed onto his willy. 'Same idea as me mate?' asks the man. Got your birds name tattooed on yer willy to show your commitment? 'No my friend' says the Jamaican. Mine is a traditional West Indian welcome. It says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddiepolio Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 antijoke.com ? Na, the Fast Show about 20 years ago! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eddiepolio Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 What was the top selling merchandise at the Star Trek convention? Shatner Pants! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B4 Part B Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Why did the lion get lost in the jungle? Cos Jungle is massive! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaap's Sigh Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 The neighbour came round the other morning accusing me of stealing underwear from her washing line. I almost shat her pants! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Polis at the door last night. He said "We've had complaints your dogs have been chasing people on bikes". I said "No, it can't be my be dogs, my dogs haven't got bikes". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Na, the Fast Show about 20 years ago! It's from a John Thompson character called Bernard Righton. Before The Fast Show he toured with Steve Coogan doing the warm up as Righton. Why I've taken the time to point this out I'm unsure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 (edited) Polis at the door last night. He said "We've had complaints your dogs have been chasing people on bikes". I said "No, it can't be my be dogs, my dogs haven't got bikes". lovely stuff Similar to the premis of the joke/ My dog has no nose How does it smell? Terrible That might have been in Mary Poppins Edited September 18, 2015 by GlasgoJambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lobey Dosser Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 2 dyslexics in a room. One says to the other "can you smell gas?". "Aye, G-S-A", says the other. How did Mary fall off the swing? Because she had no arms or legs. Knock knock. Who's there? Well, not Mary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lobey Dosser Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 What's 6 inches long and starts with a P? A shite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 (edited) Did yoy hear about the Irishman that tried to blow up a bus?. He burnt his lips on the exhaust. Did you hear about the Irish papershop?. It blew away. Did you hear about the Irish ice cream van? It melted. Edited September 19, 2015 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GforGallo Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 Why do you call a Mexican dwarf a paragraph? He's too small to be a full essay Hahaha don't worry I got it. Cracking joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. Knock knock. Whose there? The chicken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 (edited) Teacher to a class of 5-year-olds. Now then children - who put a contraceptive behind the radiator? Please miss, whats a radiator? Edited September 19, 2015 by deesidejambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you? A snooker table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroongoals Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 On a romantic encounter, The lady to the priest, what a small organ you have !! The priest to the lady, it?s never played in a cathedral before !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friendly_jasper Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 what happened to the man who put his condom on backwards..... he went! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HHGH1874FTH Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 What has 100 legs pink hair and smells of piss? The front row of a Daniel o'donnell concert. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seymour M Hersh Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Went to the doctors the other day and told him I felt like a pair of curtains. He told me to pull myself together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Dionne Warwick singing Do you know the way to San Jose Reply I think you turn left at Tranent Just getting my coat and away to the game. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Doctor, I'm obsessed with wife swapping How does your wife feel? Firm and pert how about yours? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slevinkelevra Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Old McDonald had infantile paralysis. P.O.L.I.O Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 Hear about the incontinent snail? He pished his shell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 I dreamt last night that I ate a massive marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Went to the doctors the other day and told him I felt like a pair of curtains. He told me to pull myself together. Is that an old Chic Murray joke? Here are a couple of others: Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away." I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling. If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it? After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month. We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons. You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere. A car drew up beside me and stopped. The driver opened the door and asked me if he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn't need a lift as I lived in a bungalow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 A man and his wife are at the airport, ready to check in. Wife ; You?re very quiet. Is everything all right? Man: Och, I?m just wishing we had our piano here. Wife: The piano?? Why on earth would we want the piano at an airport? Man: Because our plane tickets ? and the passports ? are on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Another Chic Murray joke: I was at the Olympics and I saw a man with a long stick over his shoulder. I said "Are you Pole vaulter" and he replied "No German, but how did you know my name was Vaulter?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fort Vallance Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Another from Chic. "I was walking along the road and I saw a house with a bed and breakfast sign outside. I walked up the path and knocked at the door. This woman leaned out of an upstairs window and asked what I wanted. I'd like to stay here, I said. Stay there as long as you like she replied and closed the window." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friendly_jasper Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 lenny henry walks into a doctors with a frog on his head , the doc says "what seems to be the problem" and the frog says "well it started as a blackhead on my arse". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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