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Smithee

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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aussieh

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He opened/bought a warehouse.

Edited by aussieh

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Sawdust Caesar

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus, he says "this octopus is the most talented musician you will ever meet, I reckon he can play any instrument in the world, if anyone brings me an instrument that he can't play I will give you ?1000. With that all the folk in the bar rush home to pick up various instruments and bring them back to test the octopus. Trumpet, harmonica, guitar, drums, violin, piano are all played with consummate ease by the octopus, "has nobody got an instrument he can't play?" asks the owner. A Scotsman steps forward with a set of bagpipes, "do you think he can play these?" he asks. "No bother" says the owner and hands them to the octopus who instantly starts ripping at the tartan bag. The man shouts at the octopus "why aren't you playing it?" The octopus replies "play it, I'm trying to get it's knickers off."

 

In the pub with a mate so I said "Do you want a game of darts?" He said, "Okay then, nearest to the bull starts." He said "Baaaa." I said "Mooo." He said "You're closest."

 

I ordered a thin and crispy Supreme from my local pizza shop - they sent me Diana Ross.

 

 When I came home last night the wife complained that the cat had upset her - but she really shouldn't have eaten it in the first place.

 

She was only the fishmonger's daughter but she would lay it on the slab and say fillet.

 

She was only the cricketer's daughter but she could take a full toss in the crease.

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I P Knightley

My mate told me he'd been diagnosed with the big C.

 

"Cancer?" I asked.

 

"No. Dyslexia."

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aussieh

2 dyslexic skiers arguing whether to zigzag or zagzig down the hill.
Then a guy with sledge walks past.
So one of the skiers asks"Excuse me pal, is zigzag or zagzig"
The guy say "Don't ask me I'm a tobogganist"
So the other skier says"Oh good, gies 20 cigs and a box of matches".

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PTBCAL

I went to a Vegetable funeral today.

 

There was a big turnip.

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Kmeister

A woman is in bed with a man who is not her husband and they are going for it big style; if there had been chandeliers they would be swinging from them.

Suddenly they hear the front door open

"That's my husband" she shrieks. "Find somewhere to hide"

"Under the bed" he says.

"That'll be the first place he looks.".

"In the wardrobe then?"

"That'll be the next place, just get out and hide.".

The husband comes stamping up the stairs.

"You've get a man in here.", he shouts.

"Who me" the wife replies, wearing nothing but sweat and pubic hair.

"He's under the bed" and he checks, "OK then he is in the wardrobe". Again he checks and finding no one there says "Apologies, I am obviously mistaken. I am going to go for a shower as it has been a hard day at the office"

He goes out the bedroom and into the bathroom, pulls back the shower curtain and sees a man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the *** are you?" he shouts.

"The Moth Catcher." Is the reply.

"But you've got no clothes on."

"The *******s!"

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luckyBatistuta

 

She was only the cricketer's daughter but she could take a full toss in the crease.

 

:lol::thumbsup:

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IronJambo

Paddy and Mick are walking through a field and they come across a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Paddy pulls his pants down and beasts the animal. He says to Mick, "it's your go now". So Mick pulls his pants down, gets on his knees and sticks his head in the fence.

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Maple Leaf

Although this is supposedly a crap jokes thread, I have to say that some of the jokes are hilarious!!  :rofl:

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peter_hmfc

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

 

Max Bygraves

Can't believe I laughed at that :vrface: .

 

In my defense it was because it reminded me of Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere.

 

From Sean Locks "15 Storeys High":

 

Bertie Bassett goes to the doctor:

"I'm worried I've got VD."

"What makes you think that?"

"Well I've been shagging all sorts."

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Armageddon

The guy who found a trumpet growing in his garden- he rooted it oot
 

They don't show the flintstones in Kuwait but..........................Abu diabi doo

 

 

 

I like/will repeat these 2

Edited by Armageddon

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Smithee

Although this is supposedly a crap jokes thread, I have to say that some of the jokes are hilarious!! :rofl:

Shite is truly in the eye of the beholder

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Underdog

A Glaswegian walks into a sweet shop. He asks the shopkeeper: 'is that a macaroon or a meringue?'

 

'No you're correct - it's a macaroon'

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GlasgoJambo

I made up this unashamedly crap joke at work today.

 

Who holds the Guinness World Record for chatting up bursds?

 

Norris McFlirter.

 

:yas:

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Uncle Buck

What do you call a Spanish person with no legs?

 

Gracias.

 

Any baby can be a tennis umpire. They just have to sit in a high chair and say deuce.

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Bring Back Paulo Sergio

Do you know what happened to the Irish paper shop?

 

It got blown away.

Edited by OFhater

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iantjambo

How do you know if a blonde is having a bad day?

 

There's a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen.

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Kmeister

How does Bob Marley like his do'nuts?

 

Wi jammin.

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Smithee

How does Bob Marley like his do'nuts?

 

Wi jammin.

How did Oasis take their soup?

They got a roll with it

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Der Kaiser

At a casting for a new movie about the great composers Tom Hardy says "I'll be Beethoven", Hugh Jackman says "I'll be Mozart" and Arnold Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach".

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Tazio

Burt Bacharach asks Sean Connery who his favourite composer is.

Sean says Schubert, Burt says why thank you Sean I'm flattered.

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HHGH1874FTH

Paddy & mick walking across a field when paddy steps on a land mine & blows his leg off,mick runs over' paddy paddy are you ok', 'no I've lost my leg', 'no you haven't ya dafty it's lying right over there'.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Sawdust Caesar

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

 

Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

 

And God said to John, "Come forth and you will be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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punkrockcroc

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

 

Answer: a cloud.

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the Hearts way

A blind man takes his blow up doll to a crowded beach.

The lifeguard runs over to him.

" you can't come here with a blow up doll" !

" shit " says the blind guy.

" that means I've been screwing my rubber dinghy all winter "

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Bring Back Paulo Sergio

A hippie gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun, in awe of her, he asks if they can have sex. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The hippie goes to the bus driver and asks him if he has any idea's of how he could have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as Jesus, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try it, and dresses up in his best Jesus costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, Jesus, it's really you!" The man says yes and I you like to have sex with you. The nun says yes, but tells him it will need to be anal sex as she is saving herself for God. After it's over, the hippie pulls off his disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the hippie from the bus!" The nun turns round, looks up and winks "I'm the bus driver."

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Corstojohn

A guy walks into a shop and asks for a packet of helicopter flavour crisps. The girl behind the counter says sorry there's no such flavour so he says ok i'll just take plain.

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Paolo

A hippie gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun, in awe of her, he asks if they can have sex. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The hippie goes to the bus driver and asks him if he has any idea's of how he could have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as Jesus, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try it, and dresses up in his best Jesus costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, Jesus, it's really you!" The man says yes and I you like to have sex with you. The nun says yes, but tells him it will need to be anal sex as she is saving herself for God. After it's over, the hippie pulls off his disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the hippie from the bus!" The nun turns round, looks up and winks "I'm the bus driver."

:lol:

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Maple Leaf
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" 

 

"Sam," the cowboy moaned. 

 

"Where ya from, Sam?" 

 

With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony."

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Cruyff Turn

What do you call a man who wears a paper suit.

 

Russell.

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rudolfskai

I am so bright that my mother calls me son.

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rudolfskai

Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalape?o business. 

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spud

How do you make a Scotsman mad? Nail his foot to the floor and put on a Jimmy Shand record.

 

How do you make an Irishman mad? Show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick.

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Swanny17

Walked into Greggs and asked for a Steak Bake. "We've none left" said the lady. "It's cool, my dads a plumber" I replied.

 

Did you hear about the ice cream van? It melted.

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aussieh

How'd you confuse an idiot?.

 

Six.

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HHGH1874FTH

A suicide bomber instructor walks into class full of new recruits

"Right guys pay attention,I'm only going to show you this once"

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Zico

Did you hear about the decisive asexual? He doesn't **** about.

 

Paddy's first job in the IRA was to blow up a police car. He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

 

What about he dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

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GlasgoJambo

Take my wife. No please, take her.

 

henny-youngman.jpg

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I P Knightley

 

What about he dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

 

Or the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog?

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Swanny17

Or the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog?

Or the dyslexic who choked on his own Vimto.

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aussieh

Whats red and flies through walls?

 

Casper, the friendly tin of tomato soup.

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aussieh

Whats green and sits on the top of a wall?

 

Humpty frog.

 

Whats green and spongy?

 

A green sponge.

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Lemongrab

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To get to the other side.

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Sawdust Caesar

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To get to the other side.

Why did the pervert cross the road?

 

Because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken.

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Meadows

I went to the library and asked if the had a book about having a small penis.

" I'll check if it's in, she said"

Don't YOU start I replied !!!

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Lemongrab

A man walked into a library and asked if they had any books on shelves.

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...a bit disco

What happened to the frog that broke down on the M1?

 

 

 

It got toad away.

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Wee Jamboree

What's the difference between an egg and a w..k?

 

 

answer: you can beat an egg.

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Smithee

Or the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog?

#DOGISDOG

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Boof

Burt Bacharach asks Sean Connery who his favourite composer is.

Sean says Schubert, Burt says why thank you Sean I'm flattered.

 

:lol:

 

Too good for this thread.

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