Kmeister Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 A woman is in bed with a man who is not her husband and they are going for it big style; if there had been chandeliers they would be swinging from them. Suddenly they hear the front door open "That's my husband" she shrieks. "Find somewhere to hide" "Under the bed" he says. "That'll be the first place he looks.". "In the wardrobe then?" "That'll be the next place, just get out and hide.". The husband comes stamping up the stairs. "You've get a man in here.", he shouts. "Who me" the wife replies, wearing nothing but sweat and pubic hair. "He's under the bed" and he checks, "OK then he is in the wardrobe". Again he checks and finding no one there says "Apologies, I am obviously mistaken. I am going to go for a shower as it has been a hard day at the office" He goes out the bedroom and into the bathroom, pulls back the shower curtain and sees a man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the *** are you?" he shouts. "The Moth Catcher." Is the reply. "But you've got no clothes on." "The *******s!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 She was only the cricketer's daughter but she could take a full toss in the crease. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IronJambo Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Paddy and Mick are walking through a field and they come across a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Paddy pulls his pants down and beasts the animal. He says to Mick, "it's your go now". So Mick pulls his pants down, gets on his knees and sticks his head in the fence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Although this is supposedly a crap jokes thread, I have to say that some of the jokes are hilarious!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peter_hmfc Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery? Max Bygraves Can't believe I laughed at that . In my defense it was because it reminded me of Max And Paddy's Road To Nowhere. From Sean Locks "15 Storeys High": Bertie Bassett goes to the doctor: "I'm worried I've got VD." "What makes you think that?" "Well I've been shagging all sorts." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) The guy who found a trumpet growing in his garden- he rooted it oot They don't show the flintstones in Kuwait but..........................Abu diabi doo I like/will repeat these 2 Edited August 31, 2015 by Armageddon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ｕｎｋｎｏｗｎｕｓｅｒ Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Although this is supposedly a crap jokes thread, I have to say that some of the jokes are hilarious!! Shite is truly in the eye of the beholder Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Underdog Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 A Glaswegian walks into a sweet shop. He asks the shopkeeper: 'is that a macaroon or a meringue?' 'No you're correct - it's a macaroon' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I made up this unashamedly crap joke at work today. Who holds the Guinness World Record for chatting up bursds? Norris McFlirter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Buck Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 What do you call a Spanish person with no legs? Gracias. Any baby can be a tennis umpire. They just have to sit in a high chair and say deuce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bring Back Paulo Sergio Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 (edited) Do you know what happened to the Irish paper shop? It got blown away. Edited September 1, 2015 by OFhater Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 How do you know if a blonde is having a bad day? There's a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 How does Bob Marley like his do'nuts? Wi jammin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ｕｎｋｎｏｗｎｕｓｅｒ Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 How does Bob Marley like his do'nuts? Wi jammin. How did Oasis take their soup? They got a roll with it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 At a casting for a new movie about the great composers Tom Hardy says "I'll be Beethoven", Hugh Jackman says "I'll be Mozart" and Arnold Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Burt Bacharach asks Sean Connery who his favourite composer is. Sean says Schubert, Burt says why thank you Sean I'm flattered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HHGH1874FTH Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Paddy & mick walking across a field when paddy steps on a land mine & blows his leg off,mick runs over' paddy paddy are you ok', 'no I've lost my leg', 'no you haven't ya dafty it's lying right over there'. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll. Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3? Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was. And God said to John, "Come forth and you will be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punkrockcroc Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 What do you call a sheep with no legs? Answer: a cloud. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the Hearts way Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 A blind man takes his blow up doll to a crowded beach. The lifeguard runs over to him. " you can't come here with a blow up doll" ! " shit " says the blind guy. " that means I've been screwing my rubber dinghy all winter " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bring Back Paulo Sergio Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 A hippie gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun, in awe of her, he asks if they can have sex. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The hippie goes to the bus driver and asks him if he has any idea's of how he could have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as Jesus, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try it, and dresses up in his best Jesus costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, Jesus, it's really you!" The man says yes and I you like to have sex with you. The nun says yes, but tells him it will need to be anal sex as she is saving herself for God. After it's over, the hippie pulls off his disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the hippie from the bus!" The nun turns round, looks up and winks "I'm the bus driver." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corstojohn Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 A guy walks into a shop and asks for a packet of helicopter flavour crisps. The girl behind the counter says sorry there's no such flavour so he says ok i'll just take plain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 A hippie gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun, in awe of her, he asks if they can have sex. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The hippie goes to the bus driver and asks him if he has any idea's of how he could have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as Jesus, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try it, and dresses up in his best Jesus costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, Jesus, it's really you!" The man says yes and I you like to have sex with you. The nun says yes, but tells him it will need to be anal sex as she is saving herself for God. After it's over, the hippie pulls off his disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the hippie from the bus!" The nun turns round, looks up and winks "I'm the bus driver." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied....... "The balcony." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cruyff Turn Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 What do you call a man who wears a paper suit. Russell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudolfskai Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I am so bright that my mother calls me son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudolfskai Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalape?o business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spud Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 How do you make a Scotsman mad? Nail his foot to the floor and put on a Jimmy Shand record. How do you make an Irishman mad? Show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Walked into Greggs and asked for a Steak Bake. "We've none left" said the lady. "It's cool, my dads a plumber" I replied. Did you hear about the ice cream van? It melted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 How'd you confuse an idiot?. Six. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HHGH1874FTH Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 A suicide bomber instructor walks into class full of new recruits "Right guys pay attention,I'm only going to show you this once" Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zico Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Did you hear about the decisive asexual? He doesn't **** about. Paddy's first job in the IRA was to blow up a police car. He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe. What about he dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Take my wife. No please, take her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 What about he dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Or the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Or the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog? Or the dyslexic who choked on his own Vimto. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Whats red and flies through walls? Casper, the friendly tin of tomato soup. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Whats green and sits on the top of a wall? Humpty frog. Whats green and spongy? A green sponge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meadows Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I went to the library and asked if the had a book about having a small penis. " I'll check if it's in, she said" Don't YOU start I replied !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 A man walked into a library and asked if they had any books on shelves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
...a bit disco Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 What happened to the frog that broke down on the M1? It got toad away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wee Jamboree Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 What's the difference between an egg and a w..k? answer: you can beat an egg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ｕｎｋｎｏｗｎｕｓｅｒ Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Or the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog? #DOGISDOG Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Burt Bacharach asks Sean Connery who his favourite composer is. Sean says Schubert, Burt says why thank you Sean I'm flattered. Too good for this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Too good for this thread. Just for you Boof one in a similar vein. Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif" The barman replies "You'll be lucky" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 2 packets of crisps are walking down a road when a car pulls over. 'Do you want a lift' 'No thanks we're walkers' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
And he's not praying Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Just for you Boof one in a similar vein. Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "I'd like a large aperitif" The barman replies "You'll be lucky" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
...a bit disco Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 What's black and sails around the world? Binbag the sailor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
15,839
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.