Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

 

Because they're ugly and smelly

[Vincent B.A]

How do you know ET is a hibs fan?

 

Because he looks like one

[Pennywise]

A purple king lived in a purple castle in a purple kingdom. He wanted new purple robes so sent his purple slaves into the purple town to the purple robe store. The purple slaves got new purple robes for the purple king, took them out the purple store, up the purple path into the purple castle and handed them to the purple king.

 

They were too small.

 

The purple king was furious. Ordered his purple guards to take the purple slaves down the purple castles purple steps and throw them into the purple dungeons. The purple guards duly took the purple slaves down the purple castles purple steps and as they threw them into the purple dungeon shouted;

 

 

 

 

"INDIGO!"

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Maple Leaf]

A tanker laden with red paint has run into a tanker laden with brown paint.  Both ships have sunk and the cargoes have mixed.

 

All the sailors are now marooned.

 

Two bank robbers stole a car, but crashed into a cement mixer.

 

The police are searching for two hardened criminals.

[aussieh]

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

 

Because they're ugly and smelly

Why do women get periods?

 

Because they fecking deserve them.

[Boris]

Two bank robbers stole a car, but crashed into a cement mixer.

 

The police are searching for two hardened criminals.

 

[i8hibsh]

"Women are like buses."

 

"What, you mean you wait ages for one then 3 come at once?"

 

"No, they are complete C words"

[RobNox]

My favourite from the Fringe top 10 (by Stewart Francis who I'm a big fan of).....

 

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.......but enough about Kanye West

[RobNox]

My doctor told me I was bipolar.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

 

They say you can't judge a book by its cover.  You can if it's written by Jeffrey Archer.

 

My dad always believed that laughter was the best form of medicine.  Which is why he didn't last long as a doctor.

 

I used to be nostalgic.  Those were the days.

 

 

Just a selection of crap one liners I came up with as part of a team building event a while back, when everyone had to do a 5 minute slot in a team cabaret event in the evening. These are the least cringe worthy in my opinion, so you can imagine how crap the rest of them were.

[luckyBatistuta]

Guy walks into a butchers with a condom on his head and says:

 

A pound a fillet

 

Butcher says:

 

A pound ya dinnae

[superjack]

I was out with the guy who invented the window sill. What a ledge

[rudi must stay]

What do you call cheese thats not yours

 

Nacho cheese

[luckyBatistuta]

Staff nurse tells the new start to go and give the little hibby baby a bath. She returns 10mins later to find the new start stirring the hibby baby round the bath with a big stick. The staff nurse shouts "That's not how you bathe a baby"...to which the new start replies "It is when the waters this fekin hot"

[RobNox]

Rod Petrie is awoken during the night by a phone call telling him that a massive fire has broken out at Easter Road.  Rod hot foots it down to the stadium, where he meets the fire chief, who explains that there has been a lot of damage, but the fire is now under control.  Rod asks him, 'what about all the cups and the silverware?'. The fire chief tells hims its OK, they got the fire under control before it reached the canteen.

Edited August 28, 2015 by RobNox

[RobNox]

A group of American tourists are over for the Edinburgh festival and decide they want to take in a football match.  They approach a local, who explains that Hibs are playing at home that day.  The Americans ask for directions to Easter Road, so the local tells them it's easy, just head down Leith Walk, turn into London Road, and follow the crowd.  An hour later the Americans end up at Asda.

[maroongoals]

How do you spot an Irishman on an oil rig ?

 

 

He's the one throwing the bread at the helicopter....

[RobNox]

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman in a pub.

 

The Englishman pulls a photo out of his wallet, says this is my son.  He was born on St George's day, so we called him George,  The Scotsman pulls out a photo, says this is my son, he was born on St Andrew's day, so we called him Andrew.  The Irishman pulls out a photo and says this is my son.  The Englishman asks him, what's his name?  The Irishman replies, Pancake.

[aussieh]

Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter?.

Found dead under Tesco.

[luckyBatistuta]

 

If you see a Hibs fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?.... It could be your bike.

[luckyBatistuta]

How do you castrate a Hibs fan?...Kick his sister in the mouth.

[Ron Burgundy]

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

 

Smelly Baws.

[rudi must stay]

There's been a crime in the chippie

 

The fish was battered and the chips were salted

[JamboMarc]

This morning I made a Belgian waffle.

 

In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.

[The Future's Maroon]

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

 

Because they're ugly and smelly

 

Why do women get married in white?

 

Cos it goes with the fridge, washing machine, etc

 

 

 

 

By the way, why is this called the crap joke thread...if only I had the brain capacity to remember even 50% of these...quality thread!!

 

 

 

And please tell me someone has mentioned....

 

 

Horse walks into a bar, barman asks - why the long face?!

[WSTR]

Hibs.

[Muppetboy]

What do you call a bear with no paw?

 

Rupert the B*****d

What do you call a bear with no paw?

 

Rupert the B*****d

[Paolo]

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

[Kmeister]

How do you make a Swiss Roll?

Push him down a mountain.

 

How do you make a Venetian Blind?

Poke his eyes out.

 

I took the wife to the Caribbean.

Jamaica?

No, she wanted to go?

 

The wife and I flew to Indonesia.

Jakarta?

No, we flew business class.

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

A baby seal walks into a club

[Ron Burgundy]

I've just read the whole thread and can't remember any of the ones I wanted to.

 

How do you change a boy into a girl?

 

Throw him off a cliff so he lands with a fud.

[¼½¾]

A man walks into a library and says, "Hey slag, I want an effing book about learning f****** Spanish."

 

The librarian says, "There's no need for that language!"

 

He says, "You're probably right, the c**** all speak English anyway."

[Marvin]

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

 

 

 

Park in it, man

 

<groan>

[EH11_2NL]

3 jobbies on the road. Which one is the Musketeer?......................The dark tanned yin.

[skinnybob72]

A nurse goes into her pocket for a pen and pulls out a rectal thermometer, "Ach! Some arsehole must have my pen!"

Edited August 29, 2015 by skinnybob72

[Stuart Lyon]

A guy fell from the top of the shard but he was OK as he had his light fawn suit on!

[Spitonastranger]

What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2.   Pregnant.

. How many unionists to swap a light bulb. None they are scared of change and would rather stay in the dark.

[Ron Burgundy]

. How many unionists to swap a light bulb. None they are scared of change and would rather stay in the dark.

As Ben Elton would say " little bit of politics there".

[Bindy Badgy]

Why is PMT called PMT?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mad cow disease was already taken

Edited August 29, 2015 by Stokesy

[Pans Jambo]

Paddy & Mick try to row across the English channel to France. They got half way & Paddy says "this is boring, lets row back & do the other half tomorrow".

[martoon]

What you call a dog with no hyde legs and a tin arse?

Sparky

 

Made me laugh. ?

[jambos are go!]

What do you call a politician who hopes there is a Santa Claus. John Swinney.

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

When I told people I was starting a crap jokes thread they laughed.

 

Yeah, they're not laughing now

[martoon]

When I told people I was starting a crap jokes thread they laughed.

Yeah, they're not laughing now

 

Iirc, that was a Bob Monkhouse joke. He was voted the best (very worst, imo) gag man that England had to offer.

 

Only joke he cracked that ever made me laugh was:

 

"Everybody seems to know I was born in Kent. At least I think that's what they're shouting at me"

[Tott]

. How many unionists to swap a light bulb. None they are scared of change and would rather stay in the dark.

 

 

How many nazis does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Three

 

One to change the lightbulb and the other two to suck my  ***********    ****

 

A Bit of Sadowitz,  **** politics  :-)

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

Iirc, that was a Bob Monkhouse joke. He was voted the best (very worst, imo) gag man that England had to offer.

 

Only joke he cracked that ever made me laugh was:

 

"Everybody seems to know I was born in Kent. At least I think that's what they're shouting at me"

It was indeed, king of the crap joke was old bob

[aussieh]

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He opened/bought a warehouse.

Edited August 30, 2015 by aussieh

[Sawdust Caesar]

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus, he says "this octopus is the most talented musician you will ever meet, I reckon he can play any instrument in the world, if anyone brings me an instrument that he can't play I will give you ?1000. With that all the folk in the bar rush home to pick up various instruments and bring them back to test the octopus. Trumpet, harmonica, guitar, drums, violin, piano are all played with consummate ease by the octopus, "has nobody got an instrument he can't play?" asks the owner. A Scotsman steps forward with a set of bagpipes, "do you think he can play these?" he asks. "No bother" says the owner and hands them to the octopus who instantly starts ripping at the tartan bag. The man shouts at the octopus "why aren't you playing it?" The octopus replies "play it, I'm trying to get it's knickers off."

 

In the pub with a mate so I said "Do you want a game of darts?" He said, "Okay then, nearest to the bull starts." He said "Baaaa." I said "Mooo." He said "You're closest."

 

I ordered a thin and crispy Supreme from my local pizza shop - they sent me Diana Ross.

 

 When I came home last night the wife complained that the cat had upset her - but she really shouldn't have eaten it in the first place.

 

She was only the fishmonger's daughter but she would lay it on the slab and say fillet.

 

She was only the cricketer's daughter but she could take a full toss in the crease.

[I P Knightley]

My mate told me he'd been diagnosed with the big C.

 

"Cancer?" I asked.

 

"No. Dyslexia."

[aussieh]

2 dyslexic skiers arguing whether to zigzag or zagzig down the hill.
Then a guy with sledge walks past.
So one of the skiers asks"Excuse me pal, is zigzag or zagzig"
The guy say "Don't ask me I'm a tobogganist"
So the other skier says"Oh good, gies 20 cigs and a box of matches".

[PTBCAL]

I went to a Vegetable funeral today.

 

There was a big turnip.