i8hibsh Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Wife says to me last night "we never have sex anymore" to which I replied "speak for yourself" Wife shouts at me "you never think of anyone else do you!" to which I replied "how dare you!! everytime we have sex I think about your sister" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb15 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) What do you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the B*****d Edited August 28, 2015 by daveb15 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Boris Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 A tanker laden with red paint has run into a tanker laden with brown paint. Both ships have sunk and the cargoes have mixed. All the sailors are now marooned. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
friendly_jasper Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 why do hibs supporters smell..... so the blind can get a kick at them. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Smithee Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smelly Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Vincent B.A Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 How do you know ET is a hibs fan? Because he looks like one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pennywise Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 A purple king lived in a purple castle in a purple kingdom. He wanted new purple robes so sent his purple slaves into the purple town to the purple robe store. The purple slaves got new purple robes for the purple king, took them out the purple store, up the purple path into the purple castle and handed them to the purple king. They were too small. The purple king was furious. Ordered his purple guards to take the purple slaves down the purple castles purple steps and throw them into the purple dungeons. The purple guards duly took the purple slaves down the purple castles purple steps and as they threw them into the purple dungeon shouted; "INDIGO!" Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Maple Leaf Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 A tanker laden with red paint has run into a tanker laden with brown paint. Both ships have sunk and the cargoes have mixed. All the sailors are now marooned. Two bank robbers stole a car, but crashed into a cement mixer. The police are searching for two hardened criminals. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
aussieh Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smelly Why do women get periods? Because they fecking deserve them. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Boris Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Two bank robbers stole a car, but crashed into a cement mixer. The police are searching for two hardened criminals. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
i8hibsh Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 "Women are like buses." "What, you mean you wait ages for one then 3 come at once?" "No, they are complete C words" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RobNox Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 My favourite from the Fringe top 10 (by Stewart Francis who I'm a big fan of)..... Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.......but enough about Kanye West Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RobNox Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 My doctor told me I was bipolar. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. They say you can't judge a book by its cover. You can if it's written by Jeffrey Archer. My dad always believed that laughter was the best form of medicine. Which is why he didn't last long as a doctor. I used to be nostalgic. Those were the days. Just a selection of crap one liners I came up with as part of a team building event a while back, when everyone had to do a 5 minute slot in a team cabaret event in the evening. These are the least cringe worthy in my opinion, so you can imagine how crap the rest of them were. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
luckyBatistuta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Guy walks into a butchers with a condom on his head and says: A pound a fillet Butcher says: A pound ya dinnae Quote Link to post Share on other sites
superjack Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I was out with the guy who invented the window sill. What a ledge Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rudi must stay Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 What do you call cheese thats not yours Nacho cheese Quote Link to post Share on other sites
luckyBatistuta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Staff nurse tells the new start to go and give the little hibby baby a bath. She returns 10mins later to find the new start stirring the hibby baby round the bath with a big stick. The staff nurse shouts "That's not how you bathe a baby"...to which the new start replies "It is when the waters this fekin hot" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RobNox Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) Rod Petrie is awoken during the night by a phone call telling him that a massive fire has broken out at Easter Road. Rod hot foots it down to the stadium, where he meets the fire chief, who explains that there has been a lot of damage, but the fire is now under control. Rod asks him, 'what about all the cups and the silverware?'. The fire chief tells hims its OK, they got the fire under control before it reached the canteen. Edited August 28, 2015 by RobNox Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RobNox Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 A group of American tourists are over for the Edinburgh festival and decide they want to take in a football match. They approach a local, who explains that Hibs are playing at home that day. The Americans ask for directions to Easter Road, so the local tells them it's easy, just head down Leith Walk, turn into London Road, and follow the crowd. An hour later the Americans end up at Asda. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
maroongoals Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 How do you spot an Irishman on an oil rig ? He's the one throwing the bread at the helicopter.... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RobNox Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman in a pub. The Englishman pulls a photo out of his wallet, says this is my son. He was born on St George's day, so we called him George, The Scotsman pulls out a photo, says this is my son, he was born on St Andrew's day, so we called him Andrew. The Irishman pulls out a photo and says this is my son. The Englishman asks him, what's his name? The Irishman replies, Pancake. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
aussieh Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Did you hear about the Irish shoplifter?. Found dead under Tesco. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
luckyBatistuta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 If you see a Hibs fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?.... It could be your bike. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
luckyBatistuta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 How do you castrate a Hibs fan?...Kick his sister in the mouth. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ron Burgundy Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 What do you call a dog with no tongue? Smelly Baws. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rudi must stay Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 There's been a crime in the chippie The fish was battered and the chips were salted Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JamboMarc Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 This morning I made a Belgian waffle. In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The Future's Maroon Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smelly Why do women get married in white? Cos it goes with the fridge, washing machine, etc By the way, why is this called the crap joke thread...if only I had the brain capacity to remember even 50% of these...quality thread!! And please tell me someone has mentioned.... Horse walks into a bar, barman asks - why the long face?! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WSTR Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Hibs. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Muppetboy Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 What do you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the B*****d What do you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the B*****d Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Paolo Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 A dyslexic walks into a bra. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kmeister Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 How do you make a Swiss Roll? Push him down a mountain. How do you make a Venetian Blind? Poke his eyes out. I took the wife to the Caribbean. Jamaica? No, she wanted to go? The wife and I flew to Indonesia. Jakarta? No, we flew business class. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Smithee Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 A baby seal walks into a club Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lord BJ Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 What you call a dog with no hyde legs and a tin arse? Sparky Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ron Burgundy Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 I've just read the whole thread and can't remember any of the ones I wanted to. How do you change a boy into a girl? Throw him off a cliff so he lands with a fud. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lemongrab Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 A man walks into a library and says, "Hey slag, I want an effing book about learning f****** Spanish." The librarian says, "There's no need for that language!" He says, "You're probably right, the c**** all speak English anyway." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Marvin Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 What do you do when you see a spaceman? Park in it, man <groan> Quote Link to post Share on other sites
EH11_2NL Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 3 jobbies on the road. Which one is the Musketeer?......................The dark tanned yin. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
skinnybob72 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 (edited) A nurse goes into her pocket for a pen and pulls out a rectal thermometer, "Ach! Some arsehole must have my pen!" Edited August 29, 2015 by skinnybob72 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Stuart Lyon Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 A guy fell from the top of the shard but he was OK as he had his light fawn suit on! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Spitonastranger Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2. Pregnant.. How many unionists to swap a light bulb. None they are scared of change and would rather stay in the dark. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ron Burgundy Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 . How many unionists to swap a light bulb. None they are scared of change and would rather stay in the dark. As Ben Elton would say " little bit of politics there". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Stokesy Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 (edited) Why is PMT called PMT? Mad cow disease was already taken Edited August 29, 2015 by Stokesy Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pans Jambo Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Paddy & Mick try to row across the English channel to France. They got half way & Paddy says "this is boring, lets row back & do the other half tomorrow". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
martoon Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 What you call a dog with no hyde legs and a tin arse? Sparky Made me laugh. ? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jambos are go! Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 What do you call a politician who hopes there is a Santa Claus. John Swinney. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Smithee Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 When I told people I was starting a crap jokes thread they laughed. Yeah, they're not laughing now Quote Link to post Share on other sites
martoon Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 When I told people I was starting a crap jokes thread they laughed. Yeah, they're not laughing now Iirc, that was a Bob Monkhouse joke. He was voted the best (very worst, imo) gag man that England had to offer. Only joke he cracked that ever made me laugh was: "Everybody seems to know I was born in Kent. At least I think that's what they're shouting at me" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tott Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 . How many unionists to swap a light bulb. None they are scared of change and would rather stay in the dark. How many nazis does it take to change a light bulb? Three One to change the lightbulb and the other two to suck my *********** **** A Bit of Sadowitz, **** politics :-) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Smithee Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Iirc, that was a Bob Monkhouse joke. He was voted the best (very worst, imo) gag man that England had to offer. Only joke he cracked that ever made me laugh was: "Everybody seems to know I was born in Kent. At least I think that's what they're shouting at me" It was indeed, king of the crap joke was old bob Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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