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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

ǝǝɥʇᴉɯS

By ǝǝɥʇᴉɯS
in The Shed

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Rick Grimes

Rick Grimes

Posted
Posted

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog?

 

Dr Dre

Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella?

 

For drizzle.

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Boris

Boris

Posted
Posted

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?

 

Mac

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

 

Max

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

 

Max Bygraves

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Hearts007

Hearts007

Posted
Posted

Seen a nice shoe outside a shop in Glasgow, so took it inside, put it on and laced it up-perfect fit.

Said to the girl "can I have the other one Size 8"

"Hid oan the noo" she replied she then returned and gave me the other shoe but when I went to lace it up there where no holes punched out for the lace to go through.

" The holes aint punched out on that shoe for the lace" I told her.

" I cannae unnerstaun that" she replied so I showed her it.Upon looking at it she then replied.

"Oh I unnerstaun noo"

"What is it" I said

 she replied back with " look wit it says inside...Tai-wan"

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I P Knightley

I P Knightley

Posted
Posted

Hear about the fly who won the lottery?

He bought a big shite in the country

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

 

Tennish.

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Ryan Jarman

Ryan Jarman

Posted
Posted
I?ve been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won?t tell me who?s a good boy.

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aussieh

aussieh

Posted
Posted

What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2.   Pregnant.

How do you save a unionist from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

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JKB Member C

JKB Member C

Posted
Posted

I thought I was drowning in a fizzy orange ocean.

 

Turned out it was just a fanta sea.

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deesidejambo

deesidejambo

Posted
Posted

Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A snooker table.

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deesidejambo

deesidejambo

Posted
Posted

Irishman goes into B&Q

 

That bath you sold me last week keeps on leaking.

 

I'm sorry to hear that, did you make sure the plug was in?

 

Why? Is it electric?

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deesidejambo

deesidejambo

Posted
Posted

Guy goes into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm..............

 

Do you sell fishcakes here?

 

Yes sir.

 

Well give me one for Sammy here, its his birthday.

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deesidejambo

deesidejambo

Posted
Posted

Two snakes slithering through the jungle........

 

Dad.  Are we venomous snakes or constrictors?

 

Thats a strange question son, why do you ask?

 

Cos I've just bitten my lip.

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Pans Jambo

Pans Jambo

Posted
Posted

Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole

 

"aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance"

 

"Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance"

Alternative.

 

Is it dark down there Mick?

 

I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything.

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Brian Whittaker's Tache

Brian Whittaker's Tache

Posted
Posted

I've just made a lovely sandwich.

Beautiful. I'd go as far to say that it's a masterpiece

 

 

 

I have absolutely no handle on current global tastes in pornography.

Honestly. I don't know WHAT the world is coming to

 

 

"Update the force, Luke"
Adobe Wan Kenobi

 

 

Come & see my collection of paintings of South Lanarkshire towns if you want to see the Biggar picture

 

 

Never give up on your dream.

Unless it's the one where you're naked in Argos with Christopher Biggins.

(Mostly nicked from Twitter!)

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Pans Jambo

Pans Jambo

Posted
Posted

Alternative.

 

Is it dark down there Mick?

 

I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything.

Also:

Have you broke anything down there?

 

No, theres nothing down here to break.

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aussieh

aussieh

Posted
Posted

Also:

Have you broke anything down there?

 

No, theres nothing down here to break.

Also:

"How am I getting out. Mick?".

 

"Ill shine my torch down and you can climb up the beam paddy".

 

:rofl:, "that will be right, ill get halfway up and youll turn it off".

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i8hibsh

i8hibsh

Posted
Posted

Wife says to me last night "we never have sex anymore" to which I replied "speak for yourself"

 

Wife shouts at me "you never think of anyone else do you!" to which I replied "how dare you!! everytime we have sex I think about your sister"

 

 

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daveb15

daveb15

Posted
Posted (edited)

What do you call a bear with no paw?

 

Rupert the B*****d

Edited by daveb15
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Boris

Boris

Posted
Posted

A tanker laden with red paint has run into a tanker laden with brown paint.  Both ships have sunk and the cargoes have mixed.

 

All the sailors are now marooned.

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