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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


Smithee

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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog?

 

Dr Dre

Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella?

 

For drizzle.

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What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?

 

Mac

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

 

Max

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

 

Max Bygraves

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Seen a nice shoe outside a shop in Glasgow, so took it inside, put it on and laced it up-perfect fit.

Said to the girl "can I have the other one Size 8"

"Hid oan the noo" she replied she then returned and gave me the other shoe but when I went to lace it up there where no holes punched out for the lace to go through.

" The holes aint punched out on that shoe for the lace" I told her.

" I cannae unnerstaun that" she replied so I showed her it.Upon looking at it she then replied.

"Oh I unnerstaun noo"

"What is it" I said

 she replied back with " look wit it says inside...Tai-wan"

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I P Knightley

Hear about the fly who won the lottery?

He bought a big shite in the country

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

 

Tennish.

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I?ve been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won?t tell me who?s a good boy.

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What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2.   Pregnant.

How do you save a unionist from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

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deesidejambo

Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A snooker table.

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deesidejambo

Irishman goes into B&Q

 

That bath you sold me last week keeps on leaking.

 

I'm sorry to hear that, did you make sure the plug was in?

 

Why? Is it electric?

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deesidejambo

Guy goes into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm..............

 

Do you sell fishcakes here?

 

Yes sir.

 

Well give me one for Sammy here, its his birthday.

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deesidejambo

Two snakes slithering through the jungle........

 

Dad.  Are we venomous snakes or constrictors?

 

Thats a strange question son, why do you ask?

 

Cos I've just bitten my lip.

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Parallel lines have so much in common.

 

It's a shame they'll never meet.

 

What do you call Batman when he skips church?

 

Christian Bale.

 

Voldemort: Knock Knock

Harry Potter: Who's there?

Voldemort: You know

Harry Potter: You know who?

Voldemort: Exactly!

Edited by robster1980
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Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole

 

"aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance"

 

"Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance"

Alternative.

 

Is it dark down there Mick?

 

I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything.

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Brian Whittaker's Tache

I've just made a lovely sandwich.

Beautiful. I'd go as far to say that it's a masterpiece

 

 

 

I have absolutely no handle on current global tastes in pornography.

Honestly. I don't know WHAT the world is coming to

 

 

"Update the force, Luke"
Adobe Wan Kenobi

 

 

Come & see my collection of paintings of South Lanarkshire towns if you want to see the Biggar picture

 

 

Never give up on your dream.

Unless it's the one where you're naked in Argos with Christopher Biggins.

(Mostly nicked from Twitter!)

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Alternative.

 

Is it dark down there Mick?

 

I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything.

Also:

Have you broke anything down there?

 

No, theres nothing down here to break.

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Also:

Have you broke anything down there?

 

No, theres nothing down here to break.

Also:

"How am I getting out. Mick?".

 

"Ill shine my torch down and you can climb up the beam paddy".

 

:rofl:, "that will be right, ill get halfway up and youll turn it off".

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