Online Dating

[iantjambo]

4 hours ago, Alwayssunnyingorgie said:

Just a wee bump, 

 

I've got 3 mental birds on the go and all of them want a relationship, They are aged 20, 21,35 and are all equally boring. Non of them can cook either. What's the softest way to bump them off without hurting them? 

 

[Blackford Hearts]

12 hours ago, Alwayssunnyingorgie said:

Just a wee bump, 

 

I've got 3 mental birds on the go and all of them want a relationship, They are aged 20, 21,35 and are all equally boring. Non of them can cook either. What's the softest way to bump them off without hurting them? 

 

Drowning? 

[Phil Dunphy]

Just be a man and tell them you don't want anything serious because you've been hurt before and all that shite.

[Alwayssunnyingorgie]

21 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

Give them a really bad shag, you at least get your Nat King.

I've been doing that

 

I've had about 30000 selfies today aswell they are wasting my data. I got them off pof and I would seriously suggest people give it a miss it's all scum or fat birds. 

 

 

[iantjambo]

2 hours ago, Alwayssunnyingorgie said:

I've been doing that

 

I've had about 30000 selfies today aswell they are wasting my data. I got them off pof and I would seriously suggest people give it a miss it's all scum or fat birds. 

 

 

 

And yet you pumped at least 3 of them

[Dawnrazor]

2 hours ago, Alwayssunnyingorgie said:

I've been doing that

 

I've had about 30000 selfies today aswell they are wasting my data. I got them off pof and I would seriously suggest people give it a miss it's all scum or fat birds. 

 

 

You're obviously not doing right then!!

Got on one, get finished in under a minute, roll off proclaiming how magnificent you were and that you've never lasted that long before then finish with something like you can't wait to tell your mum about it, should do the trick.

Edited November 14, 2017 by Dawnrazor

[Morgan]

11 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

You're obviously not doing right then!!

Got on one, get finished in under a minute, roll off proclaiming how magnificent you were and that you've never lasted that long before then finish with something like you can't wait to tell your mum about it, should do the trick.

[Kalamazoo Jambo]

On March 24, 2017 at 23:12, jamboz said:

 

I fecking hate those Russian dolls.  They are so full of themselves.

 

This post did not get the recognition it deserved during 2017

[brownkg]

5 hours ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said:

This post did not get the recognition it deserved during 2017

Whilst not dispting the veracity of the comment surely there are better ways to spend ne'ers day than trawling through this thread

[Bridge of Djoum]

I had varying degrees of success with online dating however one sticks out. I was using a dating website called date.com. not sure if still in existence.

I'd had good luck with it, couple of 3/10's but overall good.

 

I get talking to this bird, her name escapes me. We talk on the phone, she sounds good, well spoken, bright enough. She lived in Livingston. Her family owned an Italian restaurant somewhere in Bathgate or Broxburn, I forget where. i remember the exact night. It's the night Arsenal played Newcastle and Bergkamp scored that magical goal. I know because while she was talking to me in the bar I was watching the game.

 

Anyway we agree to meet at Livingston North station. Blind date mind. I'm standing there waiting for her to show. The place becomes deserted apart from me and a bird in a Rangers top. Yep, my princess had arrived. I'm praying she thinks I'm hideous and walks away but since I am a handsome ****** she strolls over and says ''NWMOT''? What could I do? I said yeah, and off we walked to said pub. I was mortified but not enough of a dick to make a run for it. So we grab a few drinks, she's nice enough and I have Mr Bergkamp to keep me happy. The pub was full of typical Livi knuckle draggers with fitba tops on so I didn't feel so bad and the beer was helping. Closing time arrives, we're getting on well despite the Rangers top, she asks me back to hers. ''Your place'' I say? No, her place was being decorated apparently so she says, ''no, my grannies''. Fueled by Heineken and a desire to just get this over with, I meekly follow her to the old bats place. Did she mention her granny was away and it was a one bedroom place? Did she **** so there's me sorting her out on her granny's bed, the Rangers top on the floor where I can see it. Deed done we fall asleep. I awake in the morning, she's handing me a coffee, she jumps back into bed. Despite my shame and hangover, I notice she does have a cracking body, so, yeah, I saddle up and get my buttons polished again. After a 2nd legendary performance I say my farewells and depart.

 

That walk back to the train station was the most shameful thing I'd ever done. Pumping a bird in her Gran's bed even after meeting me in a Rangers top. It was also the last time I used online dating. 

 

 

[Jambo dans les Pyrenees]

1 hour ago, No Wing Mirrors on Trains. said:

I had varying degrees of success with online dating however one sticks out. I was using a dating website called date.com. not sure if still in existence.

I'd had good luck with it, couple of 3/10's but overall good.

 

I get talking to this bird, her name escapes me. We talk on the phone, she sounds good, well spoken, bright enough. She lived in Livingston. Her family owned an Italian restaurant somewhere in Bathgate or Broxburn, I forget where. i remember the exact night. It's the night Arsenal played Newcastle and Bergkamp scored that magical goal. I know because while she was talking to me in the bar I was watching the game.

 

Anyway we agree to meet at Livingston North station. Blind date mind. I'm standing there waiting for her to show. The place becomes deserted apart from me and a bird in a Rangers top. Yep, my princess had arrived. I'm praying she thinks I'm hideous and walks away but since I am a handsome ****** she strolls over and says ''NWMOT''? What could I do? I said yeah, and off we walked to said pub. I was mortified but not enough of a dick to make a run for it. So we grab a few drinks, she's nice enough and I have Mr Bergkamp to keep me happy. The pub was full of typical Livi knuckle draggers with fitba tops on so I didn't feel so bad and the beer was helping. Closing time arrives, we're getting on well despite the Rangers top, she asks me back to hers. ''Your place'' I say? No, her place was being decorated apparently so she says, ''no, my grannies''. Fueled by Heineken and a desire to just get this over with, I meekly follow her to the old bats place. Did she mention her granny was away and it was a one bedroom place? Did she **** so there's me sorting her out on her granny's bed, the Rangers top on the floor where I can see it. Deed done we fall asleep. I awake in the morning, she's handing me a coffee, she jumps back into bed. Despite my shame and hangover, I notice she does have a cracking body, so, yeah, I saddle up and get my buttons polished again. After a 2nd legendary performance I say my farewells and depart.

 

That walk back to the train station was the most shameful thing I'd ever done. Pumping a bird in her Gran's bed even after meeting me in a Rangers top. It was also the last time I used online dating. 

 

 

 

How old was her granny?

[Bridge of Djoum]

15 minutes ago, Queensland Jambo said:

 

How old was her granny?

Ha! I never met her.

[Hendricks]

5 hours ago, No Wing Mirrors on Trains. said:

I had varying degrees of success with online dating however one sticks out. I was using a dating website called date.com. not sure if still in existence.

I'd had good luck with it, couple of 3/10's but overall good.

 

I get talking to this bird, her name escapes me. We talk on the phone, she sounds good, well spoken, bright enough. She lived in Livingston. Her family owned an Italian restaurant somewhere in Bathgate or Broxburn, I forget where. i remember the exact night. It's the night Arsenal played Newcastle and Bergkamp scored that magical goal. I know because while she was talking to me in the bar I was watching the game.

 

Anyway we agree to meet at Livingston North station. Blind date mind. I'm standing there waiting for her to show. The place becomes deserted apart from me and a bird in a Rangers top. Yep, my princess had arrived. I'm praying she thinks I'm hideous and walks away but since I am a handsome ****** she strolls over and says ''NWMOT''? What could I do? I said yeah, and off we walked to said pub. I was mortified but not enough of a dick to make a run for it. So we grab a few drinks, she's nice enough and I have Mr Bergkamp to keep me happy. The pub was full of typical Livi knuckle draggers with fitba tops on so I didn't feel so bad and the beer was helping. Closing time arrives, we're getting on well despite the Rangers top, she asks me back to hers. ''Your place'' I say? No, her place was being decorated apparently so she says, ''no, my grannies''. Fueled by Heineken and a desire to just get this over with, I meekly follow her to the old bats place. Did she mention her granny was away and it was a one bedroom place? Did she **** so there's me sorting her out on her granny's bed, the Rangers top on the floor where I can see it. Deed done we fall asleep. I awake in the morning, she's handing me a coffee, she jumps back into bed. Despite my shame and hangover, I notice she does have a cracking body, so, yeah, I saddle up and get my buttons polished again. After a 2nd legendary performance I say my farewells and depart.

 

That walk back to the train station was the most shameful thing I'd ever done. Pumping a bird in her Gran's bed even after meeting me in a Rangers top. It was also the last time I used online dating. 

 

 

 

 

More online dating revelations and less being a dick on The Terrace (joking!) please. This was awesome story telling. Absolutely A+ laugh out loud stuff. 

[Bridge of Djoum]

5 hours ago, Hendricks said:

 

 

More online dating revelations and less being a dick on The Terrace (joking!) please. This was awesome story telling. Absolutely A+ laugh out loud stuff. 

I'll try, H. Cheers.

Edited January 14, 2018 by No Wing Mirrors on Trains.

[Ulysses]

11 hours ago, No Wing Mirrors on Trains. said:

That walk back to the train station was the most shameful thing I'd ever done.

 

 

U OK.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....Hun?

 

 

 

 

[Bridge of Djoum]

27 minutes ago, Ulysses said:

 

 

U OK.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....Hun?

 

 

 

 

HAHA!! A bit more therapy and I should be over the worst.

 

 

[robroy1874]

23 hours ago, No Wing Mirrors on Trains. said:

I had varying degrees of success with online dating however one sticks out. I was using a dating website called date.com. not sure if still in existence.

I'd had good luck with it, couple of 3/10's but overall good.

 

I get talking to this bird, her name escapes me. We talk on the phone, she sounds good, well spoken, bright enough. She lived in Livingston. Her family owned an Italian restaurant somewhere in Bathgate or Broxburn, I forget where. i remember the exact night. It's the night Arsenal played Newcastle and Bergkamp scored that magical goal. I know because while she was talking to me in the bar I was watching the game.

 

Anyway we agree to meet at Livingston North station. Blind date mind. I'm standing there waiting for her to show. The place becomes deserted apart from me and a bird in a Rangers top. Yep, my princess had arrived. I'm praying she thinks I'm hideous and walks away but since I am a handsome ****** she strolls over and says ''NWMOT''? What could I do? I said yeah, and off we walked to said pub. I was mortified but not enough of a dick to make a run for it. So we grab a few drinks, she's nice enough and I have Mr Bergkamp to keep me happy. The pub was full of typical Livi knuckle draggers with fitba tops on so I didn't feel so bad and the beer was helping. Closing time arrives, we're getting on well despite the Rangers top, she asks me back to hers. ''Your place'' I say? No, her place was being decorated apparently so she says, ''no, my grannies''. Fueled by Heineken and a desire to just get this over with, I meekly follow her to the old bats place. Did she mention her granny was away and it was a one bedroom place? Did she **** so there's me sorting her out on her granny's bed, the Rangers top on the floor where I can see it. Deed done we fall asleep. I awake in the morning, she's handing me a coffee, she jumps back into bed. Despite my shame and hangover, I notice she does have a cracking body, so, yeah, I saddle up and get my buttons polished again. After a 2nd legendary performance I say my farewells and depart.

 

That walk back to the train station was the most shameful thing I'd ever done. Pumping a bird in her Gran's bed even after meeting me in a Rangers top. It was also the last time I used online dating. 

 

 

You sentimental romantic     

Edited January 14, 2018 by robroy1874
spelling

[Bridge of Djoum]

6 hours ago, robroy1874 said:

You sentimental romantic     

She may have been the one that got away...

[Justin Z]

Invited over to a Tinder bursd's house tonight. This Yank will be eating something Scottish for Burns Night alright.

 

[Riddley Walker]

1 hour ago, Justin Z said:

Invited over to a Tinder bursd's house tonight. This Yank will be eating something Scottish for Burns Night alright.

 

 

Make sure she's over 16 this time mate.

[robbo1874]

1 hour ago, Riddley Walker said:

 

Make sure she's over 16 this time mate.

?

[jamboz]

Hope you don’t end up mashing your own potatoes 

[Ray Gin]

12 hours ago, Riddley Walker said:

 

Make sure she's over 16 this time mate.

 

 

What have I missed??

[Justin Z]

52 minutes ago, Ray Gin said:

 

 

What have I missed??

 

 Last time a bursd invited me over to her flat everyone thought she was a schoolie because she stays with her mum. 

 

She’s 25. Coincidentally so is this one.  

[Riddley Walker]

2 hours ago, Justin Z said:

 

 Last time a bursd invited me over to her flat everyone thought she was a schoolie because she stays with her mum. 

 

She’s 25. Coincidentally so is this one.  

 

Also cos she wanted to meet you in a park

[Auld Reekin']

47 minutes ago, Riddley Walker said:

 

Also cos she wanted to meet you in a park

 

...by the swings...

[Justin Z]

1 hour ago, Riddley Walker said:

 

Also cos she wanted to meet you in a park

 

Haha oh yeah that’s right. She was an odd one. Vegan, earthy, bonkers understanding of what microwaves “do” to food, etc.

[John Findlay]

4 hours ago, Justin Z said:

 

 Last time a bursd invited me over to her flat everyone thought she was a schoolie because she stays with her mum. 

 

She’s 25. Coincidentally so is this one.  

Code for I'm doing the mum too

Edited January 26, 2018 by John Findlay

[Thaw]

I thought I'd go for a vaguely risque opener with a quite pretty girl (or someone with a picture of one), who says she's 31, a painter and decorator, a born-again Christian, and interested in playing the banjo, castles and the 1940s.   (Yes, I was a bit bored). She also claimed to be mixed race, but to me she didn't look like she'd have much to fear in Nazi Germany.

 

Now, I'm all for people taking pride in their origins and not being ashamed of who they are, but is it just me or is this not quite ringing true? (Start at the bottom...)

 

 

 

44 minutes ago

Yeah long line of gypsy, yep friendship is what I'm looking for I probably going to cancel this at the end of the month it's slightly boring ?

 

54 minutes ago

cool, and were they both romany too then? I've seen 'looking for friendship only' a few times before by the way but think you're the first to have also paid for a subscription

 

57 minutes ago

All my life I was born here my mama is from Aberdeen and my papa is from Dundee they met down here fell in love and stay never to return I'd rather of been born say Paris or somewhere exotic

 

60 minutes ago

how did you find yourself in carlisle, have you been there long

an hour ago

Of course I'm real, I do get alot of discrimination yes what would you like to know

an hour ago

if you're for real tell me more, I guess you must have to face discrimination on two fronts as a tradesperson then

an hour ago

How do you mean

an hour ago

are you a bloke or do you just have an odd sense of humour?

an hour ago

I'm a romany gypsy wasn't sure which one it went under

an hour ago

I might get myself into trouble here... when you say mixed race do you mean half scottish and half english?

[Samuel Camazzola]

On 25/01/2018 at 19:00, Justin Z said:

Invited over to a Tinder bursd's house tonight. This Yank will be eating something Scottish for Burns Night alright.

 

 

Well...? 

[Harry Potter]

On 1/13/2018 at 13:52, No Wing Mirrors on Trains. said:

I had varying degrees of success with online dating however one sticks out. I was using a dating website called date.com. not sure if still in existence.

I'd had good luck with it, couple of 3/10's but overall good.

 

I get talking to this bird, her name escapes me. We talk on the phone, she sounds good, well spoken, bright enough. She lived in Livingston. Her family owned an Italian restaurant somewhere in Bathgate or Broxburn, I forget where. i remember the exact night. It's the night Arsenal played Newcastle and Bergkamp scored that magical goal. I know because while she was talking to me in the bar I was watching the game.

 

Anyway we agree to meet at Livingston North station. Blind date mind. I'm standing there waiting for her to show. The place becomes deserted apart from me and a bird in a Rangers top. Yep, my princess had arrived. I'm praying she thinks I'm hideous and walks away but since I am a handsome ****** she strolls over and says ''NWMOT''? What could I do? I said yeah, and off we walked to said pub. I was mortified but not enough of a dick to make a run for it. So we grab a few drinks, she's nice enough and I have Mr Bergkamp to keep me happy. The pub was full of typical Livi knuckle draggers with fitba tops on so I didn't feel so bad and the beer was helping. Closing time arrives, we're getting on well despite the Rangers top, she asks me back to hers. ''Your place'' I say? No, her place was being decorated apparently so she says, ''no, my grannies''. Fueled by Heineken and a desire to just get this over with, I meekly follow her to the old bats place. Did she mention her granny was away and it was a one bedroom place? Did she **** so there's me sorting her out on her granny's bed, the Rangers top on the floor where I can see it. Deed done we fall asleep. I awake in the morning, she's handing me a coffee, she jumps back into bed. Despite my shame and hangover, I notice she does have a cracking body, so, yeah, I saddle up and get my buttons polished again. After a 2nd legendary performance I say my farewells and depart.

 

That walk back to the train station was the most shameful thing I'd ever done. Pumping a bird in her Gran's bed even after meeting me in a Rangers top. It was also the last time I used online dating. 

 

 

You cant remember what town she stayed in but mind bergkamp scoring a goal, stick to the fitba bud

Anyway sounds like a class burd

 

[Justin Z]

2 hours ago, Samuel Camazzola said:

 

Well...? 

 

We were supposed to have another date at her place last night and she's completely ghosted! Ah well, it was fun. I was sure to check the tag on her bra before I left the morning after the other night. 32G? Yes please.

[Sarah O]

3 hours ago, Justin Z said:

 

We were supposed to have another date at her place last night and she's completely ghosted! Ah well, it was fun. I was sure to check the tag on her bra before I left the morning after the other night. 32G? Yes please.

[Tazio]

32 minutes ago, Sarah O said:

 

You don't quite get bra sizing do you?

[Justin Z]

3 hours ago, Barack said:

 

What? 

 

Haha hey, I was curious.

 

22 minutes ago, Tazio said:

 

You don't quite get bra sizing do you?

 

No, I don't think he does.

[PTBCAL]

10 hours ago, Justin Z said:

 

We were supposed to have another date at her place last night and she's completely ghosted! Ah well, it was fun. I was sure to check the tag on her bra before I left the morning after the other night. 32G? Yes please.

 

Is Ghosted what the chicks call a Shan Ride these days bud?

[PTBCAL]

I absolutely miss the thrill of the chase and the smell of the hunt (careful now) from Online Dating.

 

Never a dull moment.

 

i still go on and have a wee browse and feck it's still the same burdz that were there 5 years ago.......

 

Still would though ?

[IronJambo]

It's a bit off topic but I'm having lunch with my mates widow on Thursday next week. She's in good shape, in her mid 40's, and might be lonely 

[IronJambo]

23 minutes ago, Barack said:

How long’s he been dead? 

15 months or so

[Ray Gin]

40 minutes ago, IronJambo said:

It's a bit off topic but I'm having lunch with my mates widow on Thursday next week. She's in good shape, in her mid 40's, and might be lonely 

 

Not sure I could go there tbh (would weird me out), good luck to you though. 

[jamboz]

3 hours ago, IronJambo said:

It's a bit off topic but I'm having lunch with my mates widow on Thursday next week. She's in good shape, in her mid 40's, and might be lonely 

 

If it’s nearly a year and a half since your mate died (RIP) and she has not had the company of a gentleman caller in that time then I imagine she will be frothing like bottled bass at the prospect of a Jekyll and Hyde. 

[Bigsmak]

It's almost like it's your duty.. your mate wouldn't want his wife being all sad and unloved... And, as a mate, he must have thought you were a top bloke.. 

 

 

[Irufushi]

17 hours ago, IronJambo said:

It's a bit off topic but I'm having lunch with my mates widow on Thursday next week. She's in good shape, in her mid 40's, and might be lonely 

 

Who arranged the lunch? 

[GYL]

Sorry to here about your mate......

But this needs to be on page 1......bump lol

[Bridge of Djoum]

On 2/9/2018 at 18:36, jamboz said:

 

If it’s nearly a year and a half since your mate died (RIP) and she has not had the company of a gentleman caller in that time then I imagine she will be frothing like bottled bass at the prospect of a Jekyll and Hyde. 

Part of me wants to High5 you, another wants to report you to the police.

[Bridge of Djoum]

3 hours ago, Barack said:

Why?  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

''Frothing''. 

[Jambomuzz]

I’ve not long split up with my ex, if you search my posting history from 5years ago you will see how it all began..feel free to resurrect the thread. 

anyway ive decided to give this a

bash again and signed upto a dating app, not really sure what I’m after yet, seem to be charming afew so far, and have been talking to 5 or 6 people at the moment. Couple are chunky but funky and a couple are absolutely banging. So we will see how these pan out. No dates st the moment as you can imagine the snow is haltering progress a little, but I’ve been keeping the banter flowing to keep them interested and seems to be working for the most part.

I do work quite a bit and my time is precious, so I can’t give a timeframe on when I will be able to give updates, but I will as soon as I can! 

[Bigsmak]

Fresh blood... Yeeeessssss

[Brick Tamland]

On 01/03/2018 at 10:28, Jambomuzz said:

I’ve not long split up with my ex, if you search my posting history from 5years ago you will see how it all began..feel free to resurrect the thread. 

anyway ive decided to give this a

bash again and signed upto a dating app, not really sure what I’m after yet, seem to be charming afew so far, and have been talking to 5 or 6 people at the moment. Couple are chunky but funky and a couple are absolutely banging. So we will see how these pan out. No dates st the moment as you can imagine the snow is haltering progress a little, but I’ve been keeping the banter flowing to keep them interested and seems to be working for the most part.

I do work quite a bit and my time is precious, so I can’t give a timeframe on when I will be able to give updates, but I will as soon as I can! 

Right, the snow is away and 8 days have passed since you posted. Updates or gtf off this thread 

[Helzibob]

So I’ve bitten the bullet and I’ve got myself on tinder and plenty of fish. It’s so bloody time consuming, I spend half my time deleting messages and blocking people. Tips and hints please? I had a message yesterday from someone who’s user name was cervicalslammer. I mean WTF?!?