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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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samgolden
On 27/02/2022 at 21:11, superjack said:

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. 

 

It doesn't have any feet or legs. 

 

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

 

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 

'You actually understood and answered me!'

 

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 

'Then answer this.....how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 

 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. 

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

 

'Wow,' says the guy. 

'You really can understand and can speak English, can't you?'

 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. 

I'm especially good at ornithology. 

You really ought to buy me.......I'd be a great companion.'

 

The guy looks at the £100.00 price tag. 

 

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

 

You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

 

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes and he's insightful. 

 

The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

 

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

 

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

 

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 

'Then what happened?'

 

'Well, he got really frisky,He began to kiss her all over and other things ..you know !

 

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

 

Dunno!? I got a hard on and fell off the perch!!'.

A woman walking past a pet shop sees a notice in Window “ Clitoris licking frog for sale “ Curious she enters the shop and asks the owner is this real ,Owner replies yes and for £100 pound it’s pure pleasure whenever you wish it’s been well trained 

So says the Woman how’s does it perform!

Well said pet shop owner you just undress put on your best perfume so the frog can get itself ready as I said it’s been trained to smell all perfumes and it helps the frog to perform to your desires.

Now lie on the bed and put the fog between your legs and lie back and enjoy ok I will buy one and takes it home 

The woman does what she was told but the frog just sits there looking at her, after a few attempts she call the pet shop owner to complain,he replies did you follow the procedure as I asked ! The woman replied yes 

well said the owner I will come  round and see what has gone wrong.

He arrives and asks the woman to do as he told earlier this she done with the frog just staring at her 

Mmm said the owner that should not happen he then picks up the frog and says to him Right this is the last time I show you what to do 

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superjack

A man walks into a bar in the country 

notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes . He guesses there must be at least ten thousand quid in it. He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with all the money in the jar?"

 

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." 

 

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What is the three tests?" 

 

"You gotta pay first," says the barman , "those are the rules." 

 

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman £10 which he stuffs into the jar. 

 

"Okay," says the barman , "here's what you need to do: 

 

First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

 

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

 

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." 

 

The man is stunned! "I know I paid ma £10 -- but am no an idiot! I won’t do it! You would have to be nuts to drink a whole bottle of tequila in 60 seconds and then do all those other things!" 

 

"Your call," says the barman , "but, your money stays where it is." 

 

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" 

 

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight –then, nothing but silence!

 

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

 

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's at old wife with the bad tooth?"

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A Boy Named Crow
11 hours ago, superjack said:

A man walks into a bar in the country 

notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes . He guesses there must be at least ten thousand quid in it. He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with all the money in the jar?"

 

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." 

 

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What is the three tests?" 

 

"You gotta pay first," says the barman , "those are the rules." 

 

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman £10 which he stuffs into the jar. 

 

"Okay," says the barman , "here's what you need to do: 

 

First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

 

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

 

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." 

 

The man is stunned! "I know I paid ma £10 -- but am no an idiot! I won’t do it! You would have to be nuts to drink a whole bottle of tequila in 60 seconds and then do all those other things!" 

 

"Your call," says the barman , "but, your money stays where it is." 

 

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" 

 

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight –then, nothing but silence!

 

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

 

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's at old wife with the bad tooth?"

Genuinely laughed out loud at this one! 

 

:clap:

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superjack

Two men were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. 
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. 
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' 

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're 
normally  a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.

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  • 2 weeks later...
mrmarkus1981_1

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

 

Hispanic Attacks

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superjack

I once made a ceramic sculpture of Muhammed Ali, but it exploded in the kiln....

 

It was gaseous clay!

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Vlad Magic

Lonely guy looking for a pet decides a parrot will be the perfect companion.

 

Heads to the local pet shop and asks the guy behind the counter for a parrot.

 

”Oh yes sir no problem I have one parrot left. However I must warn you he has a bad attitude and swears a lot”.

 

The guys mulls it over and because he’s on his own decides he will buy the parrot.

 

Takes it home. Puts it in his cage with food and water when suddenly the parrot says 

 

“I’m from Glasgow and I’m hard as f4)k!!”

 

Surprised at first he remembers the warning from the pet shop owner and thinks nothing of it.

 

This goes on for weeks. Every night

 

”I’m from Glasgow and I’m hard as f6(k”!!!

 

Eventually he’s had enough and decides to teach the parrot a lesson so he goes back to the pet shop. 
 

“Can I have a falcon please”

 

Pet shop guy sells him the falcon. He goes home and sticks it in the cage with the parrot. Goes to bed. Comes down stairs in the morning. Falcon stone dead.

 

”I’m from Glasgow and I’m HARD AS F6(k”!!!!

 

Right he thinks I’ll sort you out.

 

Back to the pet shop. Can I have a buzzard please?

 

Buys the buzzard. Goes home. Sticks it in the cage. Wakes up in the morning and the Buzzards dead.

 

”I’M FROM GLASGOW AND IM HARD AS F6)K”!!!!

 

Right. This little shits in bother now so back to the pet shop he goes.

 

Can I have a golden eagle please?

 

Goes home. Sticks the golden eagle in the cage. Wakes up in the morning. Golden eagle stone dead. The Parrot however has lost every single feather and looks at the guy and says

 

”Had to take my coat off for that c69t”!!

 

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mrmarkus1981_1

My mate says he can smell a paedophile from a mile off.

 

I told him that's nonce sense!

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A Boy Named Crow
10 hours ago, mrmarkus1981_1 said:

My mate says he can smell a paedophile from a mile off.

 

I told him that's nonce sense!

 

images (10).jpeg

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ri Alban

Why did chicken cross the road? 

Because he was a double agent.

 

 

 

Sorry, I misspoke, I don't know their gender. 😏

Edited by ri Alban
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Maple Leaf

With the Russian debacle in Ukraine, I thought this joke on the Bill Maher show last week was quite good.

 

What doesn't fit in your arse and doesn't buzz?

 

A Russian-made arse buzzer.

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Ulysses
25 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

With the Russian debacle in Ukraine, I thought this joke on the Bill Maher show last week was quite good.

 

What doesn't fit in your arse and doesn't buzz?

 

A Russian-made arse buzzer.

 

Why did Vladimir Putin cross the road?

 

Because the objective was always to secure the Donbas.

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The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied, "As hard as your knob when you're thinking about me naked."

I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!"

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I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection… She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!

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Just been watching womens golf on Sky.

It's so much like real life... They're shit at driving but great with an iron!

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Dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles.

I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

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At age 12, I was blessed with a nine inch penis... And three years later, that priest went to prison!

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superjack

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said

'You lying [email protected]!

You've been playing golf!'

 

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife:

'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

 

The 3rd Affair

A coroner was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the coroner

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

 

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover 

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

 

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence.'

'Ten pence?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'Twenty, pence' the barman replied.

'Twenty pence?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

 

The 6th & Best Affair

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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Smithee
On 30/03/2022 at 05:25, narre said:

At age 12, I was blessed with a nine inch penis... And three years later, that priest went to prison!

:laugh2:

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Smithee

I found a grey pube yesterday :sad:

 

 

Really put me off my Big Mac.

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A Boy Named Crow
On 06/04/2022 at 21:08, Smithee said:

I found a grey pube yesterday :sad:

 

 

Nearly put me off my Big Mac.

Amirite?

 

:thumb:

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Smithee
15 minutes ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Amirite?

 

:thumb:

 

I didn't say I stopped eating, I've found worse between my teeth after a night on the skite

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A Boy Named Crow
4 minutes ago, Smithee said:

 

I didn't say I stopped eating, I've found worse between my teeth after a night on the skite

:oohmatron::vrface::kirklol:

Edited by A Boy Named Crow
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superjack

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie

for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £750 in

price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £750 and takes the

lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on

and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it

might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked

- return it tomorrow, get a refund and keep the money for

myself.'

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'effing hell, they weren't that creased in the shop'..

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3 hours ago, rudi must stay said:

Who built the ark?

 

Moses

 

Oops wrong thread 

:wtfvlad:

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rudi must stay
1 hour ago, Morgan said:

:wtfvlad:

 

Posted that in the wrong thread 

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2 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

 

Posted that in the wrong thread 

What thread was it intended for?

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rudi must stay
39 minutes ago, Morgan said:

What thread was it intended for?

 

To be honest it's my humour an attempt to cheer myself up and it did for a few minutes 

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13 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

 

To be honest it's my humour an attempt to cheer myself up and it did for a few minutes 

Well, if it worked for you, I'm pleased.

 

👍

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superjack

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. 
He asked his wife Marie if she would go to B&Q
to pick up a hinge and she agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer she noticed a beautiful bathroom tap.
When the manager was finished Marie asked him, "how much is that bath tap?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated bath tap and the price is £195.00.
Marie exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap and certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.  
From the storeroom the manager yelled "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
She paused for a moment and then shouted back,
"No, but I will for the bath tap."

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cheetah

Which artist has a table?

 

Brian Table

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47 minutes ago, rudi must stay said:

Which musician has a Zimmer frame?

 

Hans Zimmer 

 

15 minutes ago, cheetah said:

Which artist has a table?

 

Brian Table


Which scientist is mad about the boabie?

 

Brian Cox.

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redjambo
On 13/04/2022 at 16:34, jonesy said:

 


Which scientist is mad about the boabie?

 

Brian Cox.

 

Which footballer was inducted into the Hall of Fame?

 

Thierry Henry.

 

Am I doing this right?

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superjack

Woman in coma

 

A woman was in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried again, and noticed a sizeable movement.

 

They went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him, "As inappropriate as this sounds, it may be that a little gentle oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

 

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

 

A few moments later, the woman's monitor flat-lined - no pulse, no heart

 

rate. The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?"! they cried.

 

The husband said,

 

"I'm not sure. Maybe she choked?"

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On 13/04/2022 at 16:46, rudi must stay said:

Which musician has a Zimmer frame?

 

Hans Zimmer 

Which pop star had a 'Bowie' hairstyle?

 

Elton John.

 

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On 13/04/2022 at 15:46, rudi must stay said:

Which musician has a Zimmer frame?

 

Hans Zimmer 

and Robert Zimmerman

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Which of the Sex Pistols was the best Cook?

 

Glen Matlock

 

I think, could be wrong though

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Which TV Chef had a series called Floyd around the Med?

 

Jamie Oliver.

 

👍

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1 hour ago, rudi must stay said:

There's a new man in charge of my beach

 

Cyril Sand 

Which one of the Beach Boys was called Ringo Starr?

 

John Lennon.

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superjack

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old

man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

 

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

 

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

The other student said, "I think you ha ve Zovitzki Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said, "I thought it was wind - but I was wrong, too!"

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superjack

A farmer stopped at the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the DIY shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped at the pet shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. He struggled outside then realised he didn't have his truck so he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She said "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer answered, "as a matter of fact my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the tin of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley and we'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?"

The farmer said "Holy smokes lady, I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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