Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[milky_26]

3 hours ago, narre said:

BREAKING:

The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport,

but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"

[manaliveits105]

[jack D and coke]

On 27/10/2021 at 17:36, Smithee said:

 

Probably done this one before, but it's on theme.

 

Jack Ross and Robbie Neilson walk into a brothel.

Jack walks up to the counter and goes "How much for a w@nk?"

 

She goes "fifty quid"

 

Robbie goes "How much if you're no a w@nk?"

 I like

[Maple Leaf]

Library humour.

 

[cookieboy]

On 27/08/2015 at 09:18, Boris said:

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?

 

Mac

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

 

Max

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

 

Max Bygraves

🙂 🙂 

[samgolden]

19 hours ago, cookieboy said:

🙂 🙂 

 

19 hours ago, cookieboy said:

🙂 🙂 

I 

[samgolden]

You mean a man wearing a raincoat and standing in a Cemetary 

MAX BYGRAVES 

[A Boy Named Crow]

3 hours ago, samgolden said:

You mean a man wearing a raincoat and standing in a Cemetary 

MAX BYGRAVES 

Not seen Boris around in ages, so, if I may...it has to be two raincoats, otherwise he'd be Mac Bygraves, who nobody has heard of. One raincoat is a mac, two are macs...(Max).

 

Y'see? 

 

😁

 

EDIT: Hang on, you're saying one raincoat, because the raincoat IS by graves...mac is by graves...mac's by graves...Max Bygraves? Ooft, good effort, my apologies 👌 

Edited February 3, 2022 by A Boy Named Crow

[Morgan]

On 19/01/2022 at 11:16, manaliveits105 said:

Hibs fan writing style.

[132goals1958]

An eight year old girl went to the office with her father on “ TAKE YOUR KID TO WORK DAY”

As they were walking round the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly. "Daddy where are all the clowns that you said you worked with.”

[John Gentleman]

On 10/01/2022 at 07:11, superjack said:

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. " 150 pounds!" she’d shouted. "No, £5!" he said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence." £150!” He'd yell back, "no, £5!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for a fiver mate."

👍.......and they want to call the daft auld bint "Queen Consort"? Dearie effin me....

[Maple Leaf]

On 09/01/2022 at 15:41, superjack said:

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. " 150 pounds!" she’d shouted. "No, £5!" he said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence." £150!” He'd yell back, "no, £5!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for a fiver mate."

 

Sorry I missed this one.  It's a keeper. 

[lost in space]

Was playing darts in pub.

First dart - double 20.

Second dart - same.

Third dart - hit passing Rangers fan.

Scorer shouts "one hun dead and eighty".

[rudi must stay]

Did you hear the consultant psychiatrist was sacked for talking p***

[rudi must stay]

What former Hearts player had the most girlfriends 

 

Robbie Horn 

[superjack]

Why did Billy the kid smell of coconut?

He had a bounty on his head.

[superjack]

I popped into the library today and asked if they had any books on turtles.

The librarian said "hard backs?"

I said "yes, and little heads".

[superjack]

The Mrs. just phoned me from work and said..
"Three of the girls in the office have just had flowers delivered, they're absolutely gorgeous"'
"That's probably why they got flowers then love" I said..

[Tazio]

[Jambo_jim2001]

On 11/02/2022 at 14:05, superjack said:

Why did Billy the kid smell of coconut?

He had a bounty on his head.

Paper cowboy got done for rustling 😳

[Ulysses]

1 hour ago, Tazio said:

 

Three fellas of unknown nationality are shipwrecked and marooned on a remote desert island for months, when one of them finds a lamp.  Being a magic lamp, it releases a genie, who offers the fellas three wishes - but because there are three of them, he has to offer them one wish each.

 

The first fella of unknown nationality says, "I wish I was back in the boozer in Manchester on a match day draining my pint before heading to Old Trafford with the lads".  The genie snaps his fingers, calls out "abracadabra", and with a puff of smoke yer man disappears.

 

The second fella of unknown nationality says, "I wish I was back in the boozer in Edinburgh on a match day draining my pint before heading down to Tynie with the lads".  The genie snaps his fingers, calls out "abracadabra", and with a puff of smoke he disappears.

 

The third fella of unknown nationality scratches his head and scrunches up his face in deep thought, and after several minutes he says "Jaysus, sure 'tis terrible lonely here widdout de two lads.  I wish dey were back."

[Jambo_jim2001]

2 minutes ago, Ulysses said:

 

Three fellas of unknown nationality are shipwrecked and marooned on a remote desert island for months, when one of them finds a lamp.  Being a magic lamp, it releases a genie, who offers the fellas three wishes - but because there are three of them, he has to offer them one wish each.

 

The first fella of unknown nationality says, "I wish I was back in the boozer in Manchester on a match day draining my pint before heading to Old Trafford with the lads".  The genie snaps his fingers, calls out "abracadabra", and with a puff of smoke yer man disappears.

 

The second fella of unknown nationality says, "I wish I was back in the boozer in Edinburgh on a match day draining my pint before heading down to Tynie with the lads".  The genie snaps his fingers, calls out "abracadabra", and with a puff of smoke he disappears.

 

The third fella of unknown nationality scratches his head and scrunches up his face in deep thought, and after several minutes he says "Jaysus, sure 'tis terrible lonely here widdout de two lads.  I wish dey were back."

Third fella Jamaican?

[Ulysses]

7 minutes ago, Jambo_jim2001 said:

Third fella Jamaican?

 

I've no idea.  His nationality was unknown, same as the other two.  If we knew his nationality it'd ruin the joke.

[superjack]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of the University of Maine.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach

to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,

and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him

and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first

communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted

nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came

to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start"

[dougal]

 

My mate just told me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music - I said "Did you redo it?"

 

 

I lost all the fingers on my right hand in an accident and asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

 

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

 

 

What's the secret of being a great ventriloquist?

 

Cractice.

 

 

The missus told me that sex is better on holiday. Not the best postcard I've ever received.

 

 

Whenever my wife is upset, I let her colour in my tattoos. She just needs a shoulder to crayon.

[Cairneyhill Jambo]

BREAKING NEWS !

 

More shocking behaviour about footballers and animals about to hit the press 

 

Aparently there is footage of Hibernian players playing football with HEDGEHOGS !

 

By the time police arrived the hedgehogs were 2-0 up

Edited February 17, 2022 by Cairneyhill Jambo

[scott herbertson]

sorry this is a little political but i guess it could be adapted for Hibs

 

 

 

My fella is taking part in a social experiment... He is wearing a "I'm Backing Boris" T-shirt for 2 weeks to see how people react.

So far he’s been spat on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him.

I’m curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

[Maple Leaf]

1 hour ago, scott herbertson said:

sorry this is a little political but i guess it could be adapted for Hibs

 

 

 

My fella is taking part in a social experiment... He is wearing a "I'm Backing Boris" T-shirt for 2 weeks to see how people react.

So far he’s been spat on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him.

I’m curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

 

I love it, once it has been adapted for Hibs.

[Kiwidoug]

On 19/01/2022 at 18:31, narre said:

The bloke who invented anagrams passed away today... May he erect a penis!

Brilliant.

 

I'll use that.

[superjack]

[superjack]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. 

 

It doesn't have any feet or legs. 

 

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

 

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 

'You actually understood and answered me!'

 

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 

'Then answer this.....how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 

 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. 

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

 

'Wow,' says the guy. 

'You really can understand and can speak English, can't you?'

 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. 

I'm especially good at ornithology. 

You really ought to buy me.......I'd be a great companion.'

 

The guy looks at the £100.00 price tag. 

 

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

 

You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

 

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes and he's insightful. 

 

The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

 

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

 

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

 

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 

'Then what happened?'

 

'Well, he got really frisky,He began to kiss her all over and other things ..you know !

 

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

 

Dunno!? I got a hard on and fell off the perch!!'.

[Marvin]

Teacher: Johnny, say a sentence with the word 'urinate' in it.

 

Johnny: Miss urinate but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10.

[samgolden]

On 27/02/2022 at 21:11, superjack said:

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. 

 

It doesn't have any feet or legs. 

 

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

 

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 

'You actually understood and answered me!'

 

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 

'Then answer this.....how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 

 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. 

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

 

'Wow,' says the guy. 

'You really can understand and can speak English, can't you?'

 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. 

I'm especially good at ornithology. 

You really ought to buy me.......I'd be a great companion.'

 

The guy looks at the £100.00 price tag. 

 

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

 

You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

 

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes and he's insightful. 

 

The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

 

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

 

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

 

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 

'Then what happened?'

 

'Well, he got really frisky,He began to kiss her all over and other things ..you know !

 

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

 

Dunno!? I got a hard on and fell off the perch!!'.

A woman walking past a pet shop sees a notice in Window “ Clitoris licking frog for sale “ Curious she enters the shop and asks the owner is this real ,Owner replies yes and for £100 pound it’s pure pleasure whenever you wish it’s been well trained 

So says the Woman how’s does it perform!

Well said pet shop owner you just undress put on your best perfume so the frog can get itself ready as I said it’s been trained to smell all perfumes and it helps the frog to perform to your desires.

Now lie on the bed and put the fog between your legs and lie back and enjoy ok I will buy one and takes it home 

The woman does what she was told but the frog just sits there looking at her, after a few attempts she call the pet shop owner to complain,he replies did you follow the procedure as I asked ! The woman replied yes 

well said the owner I will come  round and see what has gone wrong.

He arrives and asks the woman to do as he told earlier this she done with the frog just staring at her 

Mmm said the owner that should not happen he then picks up the frog and says to him Right this is the last time I show you what to do 

[superjack]

A man walks into a bar in the country 

notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes . He guesses there must be at least ten thousand quid in it. He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with all the money in the jar?"

 

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." 

 

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What is the three tests?" 

 

"You gotta pay first," says the barman , "those are the rules." 

 

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman £10 which he stuffs into the jar. 

 

"Okay," says the barman , "here's what you need to do: 

 

First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

 

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

 

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." 

 

The man is stunned! "I know I paid ma £10 -- but am no an idiot! I won’t do it! You would have to be nuts to drink a whole bottle of tequila in 60 seconds and then do all those other things!" 

 

"Your call," says the barman , "but, your money stays where it is." 

 

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" 

 

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight –then, nothing but silence!

 

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

 

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's at old wife with the bad tooth?"

[A Boy Named Crow]

11 hours ago, superjack said:

A man walks into a bar in the country 

notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes . He guesses there must be at least ten thousand quid in it. He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with all the money in the jar?"

 

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." 

 

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What is the three tests?" 

 

"You gotta pay first," says the barman , "those are the rules." 

 

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman £10 which he stuffs into the jar. 

 

"Okay," says the barman , "here's what you need to do: 

 

First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

 

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

 

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." 

 

The man is stunned! "I know I paid ma £10 -- but am no an idiot! I won’t do it! You would have to be nuts to drink a whole bottle of tequila in 60 seconds and then do all those other things!" 

 

"Your call," says the barman , "but, your money stays where it is." 

 

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" 

 

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight –then, nothing but silence!

 

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

 

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's at old wife with the bad tooth?"

Genuinely laughed out loud at this one! 

 

[superjack]

Two men were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. 
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. 
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' 

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're 
normally  a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.

[mrmarkus1981_1]

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

 

Hispanic Attacks

[superjack]

I once made a ceramic sculpture of Muhammed Ali, but it exploded in the kiln....

 

It was gaseous clay!

[Vlad Magic]

Lonely guy looking for a pet decides a parrot will be the perfect companion.

 

Heads to the local pet shop and asks the guy behind the counter for a parrot.

 

”Oh yes sir no problem I have one parrot left. However I must warn you he has a bad attitude and swears a lot”.

 

The guys mulls it over and because he’s on his own decides he will buy the parrot.

 

Takes it home. Puts it in his cage with food and water when suddenly the parrot says 

 

“I’m from Glasgow and I’m hard as f4)k!!”

 

Surprised at first he remembers the warning from the pet shop owner and thinks nothing of it.

 

This goes on for weeks. Every night

 

”I’m from Glasgow and I’m hard as f6(k”!!!

 

Eventually he’s had enough and decides to teach the parrot a lesson so he goes back to the pet shop. 
 

“Can I have a falcon please”

 

Pet shop guy sells him the falcon. He goes home and sticks it in the cage with the parrot. Goes to bed. Comes down stairs in the morning. Falcon stone dead.

 

”I’m from Glasgow and I’m HARD AS F6(k”!!!!

 

Right he thinks I’ll sort you out.

 

Back to the pet shop. Can I have a buzzard please?

 

Buys the buzzard. Goes home. Sticks it in the cage. Wakes up in the morning and the Buzzards dead.

 

”I’M FROM GLASGOW AND IM HARD AS F6)K”!!!!

 

Right. This little shits in bother now so back to the pet shop he goes.

 

Can I have a golden eagle please?

 

Goes home. Sticks the golden eagle in the cage. Wakes up in the morning. Golden eagle stone dead. The Parrot however has lost every single feather and looks at the guy and says

 

”Had to take my coat off for that c69t”!!

 

[mrmarkus1981_1]

My mate says he can smell a paedophile from a mile off.

 

I told him that's nonce sense!

[A Boy Named Crow]

10 hours ago, mrmarkus1981_1 said:

My mate says he can smell a paedophile from a mile off.

 

I told him that's nonce sense!

 

[ri Alban]

Why did chicken cross the road? 

Because he was a double agent.

 

 

 

Sorry, I misspoke, I don't know their gender. 😏

Edited March 23, 2022 by ri Alban

[Maple Leaf]

With the Russian debacle in Ukraine, I thought this joke on the Bill Maher show last week was quite good.

 

What doesn't fit in your arse and doesn't buzz?

 

A Russian-made arse buzzer.

[Ulysses]

25 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

With the Russian debacle in Ukraine, I thought this joke on the Bill Maher show last week was quite good.

 

What doesn't fit in your arse and doesn't buzz?

 

A Russian-made arse buzzer.

 

Why did Vladimir Putin cross the road?

 

Because the objective was always to secure the Donbas.

[narre]

The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied, "As hard as your knob when you're thinking about me naked."

I said, "Ok, pour me a glass!"

[narre]

I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection… She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!

[narre]

I'm in a band called Dyslexia… We've just released our Greatest Shit album!

[narre]

Just been watching womens golf on Sky.

It's so much like real life... They're shit at driving but great with an iron!

[narre]

Dropped a tenner yesterday and chased it for miles.

I never caught it but at least I had a good run for my money!

[narre]

A member of our school brass band was a dyslexic girl who played the Toblerone!