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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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1874robbo
On 31/12/2021 at 18:18, superjack said:

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least ****ing wrapped it!

😂😂😂😂😂

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superjack

Weight Loss Program:

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..

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samgolden
On 28/12/2021 at 10:21, rudi must stay said:

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

 

Your under a vest 

German Policeman was it 

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Jambo_jim2001

Three jobbies in a lavy pan,what one is a musketeer?? The dark tan wan!! Sorry if I have offended any french citizens or jobbies on here...

What do you call a Jobbie with one eye??

A keek!

,🙄🙄

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A Boy Named Crow
10 hours ago, Jambo_jim2001 said:

Three jobbies in a lavy pan,what one is a musketeer?? The dark tan wan!! Sorry if I have offended any french citizens or jobbies on here...

What do you call a Jobbie with one eye??

A keek!

,🙄🙄

Dark tan yin, it works better

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Jambo_jim2001
21 minutes ago, A Boy Named Crow said:

Dark tan yin, it works better

It does,🤔😂

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superjack

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. " 150 pounds!" she’d shouted. "No, £5!" he said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence." £150!” He'd yell back, "no, £5!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for a fiver mate."

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a man is suffering terrible headaches. one day he finally has enough and goes to his doctor. his doctor examines him and finds no cause for the headaches so he refers him to a neurologist.

 

he goes to the neurologist and just like his doctor he cant find any cause for the headaches. as he is about to leave the neurologists office the neurologist mentions he had a patient a few years ago with similar symptoms and in the end the only thing that solved it was removing the testicles.

 

the man goes home and discusses it with his wife and after a couple of days his wife convinces him due to the severity of the headaches to have the procedure done. the man wakes from the procedure and his headache is gone, he feels so much better. 

 

the man on his way home feels so good he feels like a new suit for the new man he is would be just the thing so he stops by the tailors. the taylor starts to measure the man, 31 inch inside leg, 34 inch waist. the man buts in and says no i'm a 30 inch waist, the taylor says 31 is the measurement, the man repeats it he is a 30 inside leg. the taylor says ok we can make them that size but they will compress your testicles and probably cause headaches

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superjack

What's the difference between Boris Johnson and Fred West?

At least fred was honest about the amount of people in his garden.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To talk to the idiot. 
Knock knock

Who’s there? 
The chicken. 

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If anybody wants a list of every famous Bugs Bunny quotes,

 

I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc!

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A woman with 3 vaginas went to the doctor about her embarrassing problem.

The doctor sewed up 2 of the holes, leaving just the middle one open.

"Am I cured?" she asked.

"Not as such, he replied.

"But it will stop you getting flucked, left, right and centre!"

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BREAKING:

The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport,

but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"

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I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen...

 

Pop round anytime. The kettle's always on!

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3 hours ago, narre said:

BREAKING:

The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport,

but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"

:rofl:

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jack D and coke
On 27/10/2021 at 17:36, Smithee said:

 

Probably done this one before, but it's on theme.

 

Jack Ross and Robbie Neilson walk into a brothel.

Jack walks up to the counter and goes "How much for a [email protected]?"

 

She goes "fifty quid"

 

Robbie goes "How much if you're no a [email protected]?"

:lol: I like

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  • 2 weeks later...
cookieboy
On 27/08/2015 at 09:18, Boris said:

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?

 

Mac

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

 

Max

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

 

Max Bygraves

🙂 🙂 

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samgolden
19 hours ago, cookieboy said:

🙂 🙂 

 

19 hours ago, cookieboy said:

🙂 🙂 

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A Boy Named Crow
3 hours ago, samgolden said:

You mean a man wearing a raincoat and standing in a Cemetary 

MAX BYGRAVES 

Not seen Boris around in ages, so, if I may...it has to be two raincoats, otherwise he'd be Mac Bygraves, who nobody has heard of. One raincoat is a mac, two are macs...(Max).

 

Y'see? 

 

😁

 

EDIT: Hang on, you're saying one raincoat, because the raincoat IS by graves...mac is by graves...mac's by graves...Max Bygraves? Ooft, good effort, my apologies 👌 

Edited by A Boy Named Crow
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132goals1958

An eight year old girl went to the office with her father on “ TAKE YOUR KID TO WORK DAY”

As they were walking round the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly. "Daddy where are all the clowns that you said you worked with.”

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John Gentleman
On 10/01/2022 at 07:11, superjack said:

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. " 150 pounds!" she’d shouted. "No, £5!" he said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence." £150!” He'd yell back, "no, £5!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for a fiver mate."

👍.......and they want to call the daft auld bint "Queen Consort"? Dearie effin me....

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Maple Leaf
On 09/01/2022 at 15:41, superjack said:

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. " 150 pounds!" she’d shouted. "No, £5!" he said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence." £150!” He'd yell back, "no, £5!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for a fiver mate."

 

Sorry I missed this one.  It's a keeper.  :thumb:

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lost in space

Was playing darts in pub.

First dart - double 20.

Second dart - same.

Third dart - hit passing Rangers fan.

Scorer shouts "one hun dead and eighty".

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superjack

I popped into the library today and asked if they had any books on turtles.

The librarian said "hard backs?"

I said "yes, and little heads".

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superjack

The Mrs. just phoned me from work and said..
"Three of the girls in the office have just had flowers delivered, they're absolutely gorgeous"'
"That's probably why they got flowers then love" I said..

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Jambo_jim2001
On 11/02/2022 at 14:05, superjack said:

Why did Billy the kid smell of coconut?

He had a bounty on his head.

Paper cowboy got done for rustling 😳

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1 hour ago, Tazio said:

059FC260-A467-4045-AB7C-4B76CEAF963E.jpeg

 

Three fellas of unknown nationality are shipwrecked and marooned on a remote desert island for months, when one of them finds a lamp.  Being a magic lamp, it releases a genie, who offers the fellas three wishes - but because there are three of them, he has to offer them one wish each.

 

The first fella of unknown nationality says, "I wish I was back in the boozer in Manchester on a match day draining my pint before heading to Old Trafford with the lads".  The genie snaps his fingers, calls out "abracadabra", and with a puff of smoke yer man disappears.

 

The second fella of unknown nationality says, "I wish I was back in the boozer in Edinburgh on a match day draining my pint before heading down to Tynie with the lads".  The genie snaps his fingers, calls out "abracadabra", and with a puff of smoke he disappears.

 

The third fella of unknown nationality scratches his head and scrunches up his face in deep thought, and after several minutes he says "Jaysus, sure 'tis terrible lonely here widdout de two lads.  I wish dey were back."

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Jambo_jim2001
2 minutes ago, Ulysses said:

 

Three fellas of unknown nationality are shipwrecked and marooned on a remote desert island for months, when one of them finds a lamp.  Being a magic lamp, it releases a genie, who offers the fellas three wishes - but because there are three of them, he has to offer them one wish each.

 

The first fella of unknown nationality says, "I wish I was back in the boozer in Manchester on a match day draining my pint before heading to Old Trafford with the lads".  The genie snaps his fingers, calls out "abracadabra", and with a puff of smoke yer man disappears.

 

The second fella of unknown nationality says, "I wish I was back in the boozer in Edinburgh on a match day draining my pint before heading down to Tynie with the lads".  The genie snaps his fingers, calls out "abracadabra", and with a puff of smoke he disappears.

 

The third fella of unknown nationality scratches his head and scrunches up his face in deep thought, and after several minutes he says "Jaysus, sure 'tis terrible lonely here widdout de two lads.  I wish dey were back."

Third fella Jamaican?

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7 minutes ago, Jambo_jim2001 said:

Third fella Jamaican?

 

I've no idea.  His nationality was unknown, same as the other two.  If we knew his nationality it'd ruin the joke. :cheese:

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superjack

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of the University of Maine.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach

to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,

and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him

and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first

communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted

nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came

to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start"

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My mate just told me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music - I said "Did you redo it?"

 

 

I lost all the fingers on my right hand in an accident and asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

 

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

 

 

What's the secret of being a great ventriloquist?

 

Cractice.

 

 

The missus told me that sex is better on holiday. Not the best postcard I've ever received.

 

 

Whenever my wife is upset, I let her colour in my tattoos. She just needs a shoulder to crayon.

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Cairneyhill Jambo

BREAKING NEWS !

 

More shocking behaviour about footballers and animals about to hit the press 

 

Aparently there is footage of Hibernian players playing football with HEDGEHOGS !

 

By the time police arrived the hedgehogs were 2-0 up

Edited by Cairneyhill Jambo
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scott herbertson

sorry this is a little political but i guess it could be adapted for Hibs

 

 

 

My fella is taking part in a social experiment... He is wearing a "I'm Backing Boris" T-shirt for 2 weeks to see how people react.

So far he’s been spat on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him.

I’m curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

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Maple Leaf
1 hour ago, scott herbertson said:

sorry this is a little political but i guess it could be adapted for Hibs

 

 

 

My fella is taking part in a social experiment... He is wearing a "I'm Backing Boris" T-shirt for 2 weeks to see how people react.

So far he’s been spat on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him.

I’m curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

 

I love it, once it has been adapted for Hibs.

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On 19/01/2022 at 18:31, narre said:

The bloke who invented anagrams passed away today... May he erect a penis!

Brilliant.

 

I'll use that.

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superjack

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. 

 

It doesn't have any feet or legs. 

 

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

 

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 

'You actually understood and answered me!'

 

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 

'Then answer this.....how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 

 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. 

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

 

'Wow,' says the guy. 

'You really can understand and can speak English, can't you?'

 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. 

I'm especially good at ornithology. 

You really ought to buy me.......I'd be a great companion.'

 

The guy looks at the £100.00 price tag. 

 

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

 

You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

 

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes and he's insightful. 

 

The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

 

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

 

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

 

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 

'Then what happened?'

 

'Well, he got really frisky,He began to kiss her all over and other things ..you know !

 

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

 

Dunno!? I got a hard on and fell off the perch!!'.

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Teacher: Johnny, say a sentence with the word 'urinate' in it.

 

Johnny: Miss urinate but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10.

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