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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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superjack
5 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

What's grey and comes in pints?

 

An elephant.

Bloody hell, I just spat out a mouthful of tea there.

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superjack

I always carry a pebble in my pocket to throw at people who sign or play Christmas songs in october. I call it my jingle bell rock.

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I fell asleep at a party last night and somebody went and put a tea bag in my mouth.

I went absolutely mental... Nobody treats me like a mug!

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Lemongrab

I got kicked off the Dragon's Den when I tried to pitch my Polo suppositories.

 

Who cares, I'm minted already. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
superjack

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you" the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright" he says "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat".
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries "I want a MEATIER shower!"

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I P Knightley

I got my exam results back.

 

So chuffed with my C in Latin. I thought I'd done quite well but didn't think I'd get 100%.

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17 minutes ago, Armageddon said:

Is @narre just using this thread to hammer the post count up??!!

Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts.

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Armageddon
1 minute ago, narre said:

Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts.

 

:)  Your Mug joke did make me laugh, i'll give you that!

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2 hours ago, Armageddon said:

Is @narre just using this thread to hammer the post count up??!!

 

I don't get this joke.

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1 hour ago, narre said:

Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts.

 

You keep 'em coming, Narre. :thumb:

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45 minutes ago, kila said:


:D

 

 

Paul Merton, HIGNFY, on Friday.

 

Also liked his comment that the pro-Trump "stop the count" chant isn't far removed from what everyone else has been saying for four years.

 

 

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Sawdust Caesar

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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Sawdust Caesar

The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse".

 

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...

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I was in Asda with 2 full trollies when a little old lady stood behind me at the checkout.

She only had a pint of milk so I said, "Is that all you've got?

"She replied, "Yes." So I did the decent thing & told her,

"If I were you I'd **** off to another till. I'm gonna be ages!"

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I'm one of those people that likes to read while I'm having a shit...

This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstones!

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CostaJambo
17 hours ago, narre said:

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth.

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Dawnrazor

Girlfriend "Does my bum look big in these jeans?"

 

Boyfriend "Do you promise not to get upset if I tell you the truth?

 

Girlfriend "You can say what you like, as long as it's the truth I promise I'll not get angry"

 

Boyfriend "I shagged your sister"

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On 09/11/2020 at 17:13, Sawdust Caesar said:

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

He must've forgotten that the clocks went back. 

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Jamstomorrow
On 09/11/2020 at 22:02, narre said:

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

I used to be dyslexic, but I am ko now.

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Robbo-Jambo
On 09/11/2020 at 17:34, Sawdust Caesar said:

The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse".

 

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...

😅 

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I was in the chemist earlier and I said, "Can I have five boxes of Viagra please?"

The chemist said, "Have you got a prescription?"

I said, "No, but I've got 3 recent photos of the missus!"

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andyscott82
On 09/11/2020 at 22:02, narre said:

I've finally come to accept I'm dyslexic and I'll always be dyslexic... A leotard can't change its spots!

 

On 10/11/2020 at 15:40, CostaJambo said:

Dyslexia - sign of a misspelt youth.

 

On 10/11/2020 at 17:27, ri Alban said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse. 

As a member of the DNA I find these jokes very distasteful...

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superjack

Whenever I open the fridge I always knock on the door first, just in case there is a salad dressing.

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superjack

I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,  but had to take them back as the seal was broken...

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Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant

when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.

"Why?" asked the waiter.

"I want to break three!"

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Got myself a Pensioners Satnav...

Not only does it tell me how to get there,

it also tells me why I wanted to go in the first place!

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superjack

Today, my wife asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. Married 35 years and she still doesn't know my name is Jim...

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Boss's funeral, and one of his staff kneels by the coffin and whispers "who's thinking outside the box now, eh?"

 

:runaway:

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what do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common

 

They both get to smell it, but not taste it

 

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Storm Rover and a full moon expected this week.   With high winds it's set to be a howler. 

 

 

 

🌕 🐶

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