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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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The Real Maroonblood
17 hours ago, annushorribilis III said:

Two guys talking about their pets -

Why did you call your dog Birmingham ?

Cos he's mostly brown & black with a few white spots. 

:laugh:

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Morgan
12 hours ago, narre said:

Teacher: "I want a word with four 'I's

" Me: "Mississippi." Teacher:

"No, I need to speak to you, you speccy twat!

Anus gets this one.  :) 

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Maple Leaf

It has been a strange day today.

 

First I found a hat full of money, then I was chased by a guy with a guitar.

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Maple Leaf

I asked my wife what she would do if I won the lottery.  She said she'd take half and leave me.

 

I said, "OK, I won $20. Here's your ten bucks.  Stay in touch."

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narre

Saw a porn film last night.

A woman was giving a hand job to a joiner, a plumber, an electrician and a plasterer...

It was called, "Jack Off All Trades!"

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luckyBatistuta

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!" 

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" 

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up." 

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" 

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!" 

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?" 

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

 

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superjack
5 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said:

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!" 

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" 

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up." 

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" 

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my tits!" 

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?" 

Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"

 

That's a belter, I shall be telling this 1 over and over for the next few days.

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Seaside jambo

Guy walks into a bar and asks for a pint anything except stellar , barman says what’s wrong wi Stella ? Guy says I had twelve pints of it last night and When I came round I was f*****g skint ,

barman say all the pints are about same price mate , guys says skints my dog 

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samgolden

young couple courting for only a few months when She asks if he loves her because not once has he got amorous and asked for sex like most guys do, he replied I have a very religious upbringing and no women can see me naked until the Wedding night,well not long after they get married and it comes to the time when they cement their love so he takes his trousers down she “gasps”what wrong with your knees they are all twisted ,he replied I had KNEESLES when I was younger she said you mean MEASLES no he replied it only affected my knees, he then took his socks off she “gasps” again look at your TOES they are all deformed ,he replied I had TOLIO when  I was younger, she said you mean POLIO , no he replied it only affected my toes, he drops his pants ,she says don’t tell me SMALLPOX 

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Horatio Caine
4 hours ago, samgolden said:

young couple courting for only a few months when She asks if he loves her because not once has he got amorous and asked for sex like most guys do, he replied I have a very religious upbringing and no women can see me naked until the Wedding night,well not long after they get married and it comes to the time when they cement their love so he takes his trousers down she “gasps”what wrong with your knees they are all twisted ,he replied I had KNEESLES when I was younger she said you mean MEASLES no he replied it only affected my knees, he then took his socks off she “gasps” again look at your TOES they are all deformed ,he replied I had TOLIO when  I was younger, she said you mean POLIO , no he replied it only affected my toes, he drops his pants ,she says don’t tell me SMALLPOX 

I was bloody breathless reading that.  Punctuation is a very big word...

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superjack

Dave the Jambo is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Wow!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 2012 Scottish cup final?"

"Hearts," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Hibs," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "5-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the 4th goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ryan MacGowan."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Edinburgh, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Few years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box." 
Happy anniversary jambos 🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇳🇬

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narre

A husband buys his wife a car for her birthday.

"I don't like it," she says.

"I want something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."

So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says, "Stand on that you fat fooka.

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Rab Mac52
6 hours ago, superjack said:

Dave the Jambo is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Wow!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 2012 Scottish cup final?"

"Hearts," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Hibs," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "5-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the 4th goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ryan MacGowan."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Edinburgh, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Few years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box." 
Happy anniversary jambos 🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇳🇬

Brilliant. Love it.

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Morgan
7 hours ago, superjack said:

Dave the Jambo is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Wow!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 2012 Scottish cup final?"

"Hearts," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Hibs," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "5-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the 4th goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ryan MacGowan."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Edinburgh, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Few years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box." 
Happy anniversary jambos 🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇳🇬

:yas: :fth: 

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superjack

I was thinking ,Gary Naismiths been wearing a mask to work long before they became necessary.

He’s the Loan Arranger .

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narre

My wife said, "Did you know butterflies only live for one day?"

I said, "That's a myth."

She said, "No, it's definitely a butterfly!"

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narre

I used to go out with a woman called Amanda Lin...

Nice girl, but a bit highly strung!

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ri Alban
2 hours ago, narre said:

I used to go out with a woman called Amanda Lin...

Nice girl, but a bit highly strung!

:getout:

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Robbo-Jambo
On ‎19‎/‎05‎/‎2020 at 07:56, superjack said:

Dave the Jambo is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Wow!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about Scottish football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 2012 Scottish cup final?"

"Hearts," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Hibs," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "5-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the 4th goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ryan MacGowan."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Edinburgh, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Few years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box." 
Happy anniversary jambos 🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇱🇻🇳🇬

:greggy:  Nice one.

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JWL

Some people accused me of plagiarism last week.....their words, not mine.

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narre

Whilst holidaying in France, there was a group of mushrooms singing Queen covers.

I said, "You're brilliant. What's your band called?

" The lead singer replied, "We are 'The Champignons' my friend!"

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narre

I got caught smuggling childrens TV memorabilia through Customs...

I would have got away with it but I dropped a Clanger!

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milky_26
4 minutes ago, narre said:

I got caught smuggling childrens TV memorabilia through Customs...

I would have got away with it but I dropped a Clanger!

sounds like a bungled operation

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superjack

An American interested in old churches goes to see St Patrick's Cathedral in New York. Impressed by its architecture, he notices a stone podium with a telephone on it. A sign beside it says "Speak to God direct - only $ 50,000 !" He thinks "Speak to God ? Amazing!" 

He then visits Notre Dame in Paris and looks around, astounded at its architecture. He notices a phone in an alcove and beside it a sign in English and French "Speak to God direct ! Only EU 50,000.!"

He visits Westminster Cathedral next and again gobsmacked by it all. Then he sees a phone on an altar and a sign "Speak to God direct ! Only 50,000 pounds.!"

So here he is, walking through Gorgie and he comes across the Gorgie church outside Tynecastle. He notes the religious architecture, the proximity to the stadium and then he spots a telephone in a wee B&Q wooden hut in the church and a sign" Speak to God direct ! Only 50p ! "

He stops the passing minister and tells his story then says"But here in Gorgie beside Hearts football stadium, only 50p? How come?"

The minister nods and smiles. "Local call"

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Seaside jambo

😂like it 

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Morgan
2 hours ago, superjack said:

An American interested in old churches goes to see St Patrick's Cathedral in New York. Impressed by its architecture, he notices a stone podium with a telephone on it. A sign beside it says "Speak to God direct - only $ 50,000 !" He thinks "Speak to God ? Amazing!" 

He then visits Notre Dame in Paris and looks around, astounded at its architecture. He notices a phone in an alcove and beside it a sign in English and French "Speak to God direct ! Only EU 50,000.!"

He visits Westminster Cathedral next and again gobsmacked by it all. Then he sees a phone on an altar and a sign "Speak to God direct ! Only 50,000 pounds.!"

So here he is, walking through Gorgie and he comes across the Gorgie church outside Tynecastle. He notes the religious architecture, the proximity to the stadium and then he spots a telephone in a wee B&Q wooden hut in the church and a sign" Speak to God direct ! Only 50p ! "

He stops the passing minister and tells his story then says"But here in Gorgie beside Hearts football stadium, only 50p? How come?"

The minister nods and smiles. "Local call"

:sadrobbo:  Joke’s about Robbo, aye?

 

:robboyas:

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Seaside jambo

A guy goes for a check up at the docs , a little Thai nurse comes into the room and tells the guy that she’s here to carry out a few tests before the doc starts. She tells the guy to drop his trousers n pants so she can carry out a testicle test, she proceeds to cup his balls in her hand , she says to him it’s ok sir to get an erection during this procedure, guys say I haven’t got one ! She reply’s no but I have 


Sorry for that one 😃

 

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Maple Leaf
4 hours ago, superjack said:

An American interested in old churches goes to see St Patrick's Cathedral in New York. Impressed by its architecture, he notices a stone podium with a telephone on it. A sign beside it says "Speak to God direct - only $ 50,000 !" He thinks "Speak to God ? Amazing!" 

He then visits Notre Dame in Paris and looks around, astounded at its architecture. He notices a phone in an alcove and beside it a sign in English and French "Speak to God direct ! Only EU 50,000.!"

He visits Westminster Cathedral next and again gobsmacked by it all. Then he sees a phone on an altar and a sign "Speak to God direct ! Only 50,000 pounds.!"

So here he is, walking through Gorgie and he comes across the Gorgie church outside Tynecastle. He notes the religious architecture, the proximity to the stadium and then he spots a telephone in a wee B&Q wooden hut in the church and a sign" Speak to God direct ! Only 50p ! "

He stops the passing minister and tells his story then says"But here in Gorgie beside Hearts football stadium, only 50p? How come?"

The minister nods and smiles. "Local call"

 

I thought the punchline was going to be that he made the call to God from Gorgie, and Rudi answered the phone!

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Morgan
2 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

I thought the punchline was going to be that he made the call to God from Gorgie, and Rudi answered the phone!

It was Robbo that answered the phone, Ron.

 

:sadrobbo: 

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Maple Leaf
1 hour ago, Morgan said:

It was Robbo that answered the phone, Ron.

 

:sadrobbo: 

 

I should have known better! :thumb:

 

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narre

I'm really angry! This morning a huge German Shepherd did a huge poo on my front lawn...

To make matters worse, he brought his dog!

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narre

A lady carrying a duck walks into a bar.

Bartender: "Where did you get that pig?

" Lady: "It's a duck." Bartender:

"I was talking to the duck!"

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Lemongrab
42 minutes ago, narre said:

A lady carrying a duck walks into a bar.

Bartender: "Where did you get that pig?

" Lady: "It's a duck." Bartender:

"I was talking to the duck!"

I heard a different version.

 

A woman is sitting watching TV, when her husband walks in with a sheep under his arm.

Man: "This is the pig I've been s******g."

Wife: "That no a pig, it's a sheep."

Man: "I was talking to the sheep."

 

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muldoon74

I once lived a stones throw from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries... 

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narre
45 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

I heard a different version.

 

A woman is sitting watching TV, when her husband walks in with a sheep under his arm.

Man: "This is the pig I've been s******g."

Wife: "That no a pig, it's a sheep."

Man: "I was talking to the sheep."

 

 

 

Yeah the original one i heard decades ago was.....

 

An Irishman walks into a pub with a pig on a lead

and the barman says"where did you get that"

and the pig said.......Ireland

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Lemongrab
1 hour ago, narre said:

 

 

Yeah the original one i heard decades ago was.....

 

An Irishman walks into a pub with a pig on a lead

and the barman says"where did you get that"

and the pig said.......Ireland

:D 

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ri Alban
2 hours ago, narre said:

 

 

Yeah the original one i heard decades ago was.....

 

An Irishman walks into a pub with a pig on a lead

and the barman says"where did you get that"

and the pig said.......Ireland

I'll not tell the version about the frog on a guys head.

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superjack

2 eggs boiling in a pan, 1 says "I have a higr crack".

The other says "stop teasing me, I'm not even hard yet".

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Morgan
10 hours ago, ri Alban said:

I'll not tell the version about the frog on a guys head.

Oh, you simply must!

 

:

D04ACE25-5072-4DC9-97D9-EB381B0A877B.jpeg

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ri Alban
15 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Oh, you simply must!

 

:

D04ACE25-5072-4DC9-97D9-EB381B0A877B.jpeg

🤣

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Morgan
13 hours ago, muldoon74 said:

I once lived a stones throw from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries... 

:gok:

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Morgan
10 minutes ago, ri Alban said:

🤣

Get on with posting the joke, man.  Ffs.

 

:biggrin:

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ri Alban
Just now, Morgan said:

Get on with posting the joke, man.  Ffs.

 

:biggrin:

🙊

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muldoon74

May have been done (perhaps by me!!)...... 

 

2 sausages in a frying pan.. 

 

1 says, "its hot in here isn't it?".. 

 

The other says "**** me a talking sausage!!" 

 

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will-i-am-a-jambo
Posted (edited)

This joke is best said aloud.

 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a tiny wee guy playing the piano and he's belting out Beethoven's 9th symphony. Amazed he walks up to the bar and behind the barkeep he sees a genie lamp hanging on the wall. The barkeep sees the stranger spying all this and says 'l tell you what, if you buy a drink l'll let you have the genie lamp and you can have one wish. However, you need to be really careful what you ask for as the genie is a little deaf!'

 

The man buys a drink and heads to the corner of the pub and makes his wish. A few minutes later loads of ducks starting waddling in - quack, quack, quack, quack. The barkeep rushes over angrily and yells to the stranger 'What the hell did you wish for? What are all these ducks doing here?' The stranger replies 'lm really sorry l asked the genie for a million bucks, he must've thought l'd said a million ducks!'.

 

The barkeep starts laughing and replies 'What? Did you think l asked for a 12 inch pianist!'

Edited by will-i-am-a-jambo

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Morgan
7 minutes ago, muldoon74 said:

May have been done (perhaps by me!!)...... 

 

2 sausages in a frying pan.. 

 

1 says, "its hot in here isn't it?".. 

 

The other says "**** me a talking sausage!!" 

 

That’s a banger.  :lol: 

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kila

Anyone know how much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub into a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

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kila

I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk yesterday. Ended up skipping dinner.

 

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kila

I saw Paul from the Chuckle Brothers in the supermarket earlier.

 

I said "Oi, two metre you!"

 

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kila

A mate of mine believed that the Earth is flat so I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge.

 

He eventually came around.

 

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