ri Alban Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 1 minute ago, Dawnrazor said: Go on.......I dares ya! 🤣 Quote
Greedy Jambo Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Started a band called 999 megabytes Still not got a gig Quote
LeftBack Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 4 hours ago, ri Alban said: What does NASA stand for? Dunno mate. But i know when someone is something beginning with P and ends in rick. Quote
Boof Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 14 minutes ago, LeftBack said: Dunno mate. But i know when someone is something beginning with P and ends in rick. Patrick? Quote
LeftBack Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 26 minutes ago, Boof said: Patrick? Nah. But he is something wet that rhymes with bat Quote
Vlad Magic Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Nelly the elephant has just tested positive for Covid 19. When asked “who passed it on to you” She replied “Trump Trump Trump” Quote
I P Knightley Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 49 minutes ago, LeftBack said: Nah. But he is something wet that rhymes with bat Bathmat? Quote
Dawnrazor Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 What goes clip clop.....clip clop....clip clop......BANG!!! clippity clop..clippity clop..clippity clop..clippity clop? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . An Amish drive by shooting. Quote
narre Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 The wife is off on holiday to Tenerife with her mates and has taken a load of condoms with her.. . Stupid cow, she hasn't even got a penis! Quote
narre Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 The girlfriend just asked me what I was doing on the computer. I said, "Looking for cheap flights." She got very excited and said, "I love you," then got on her knees & gave me the best blow job I've ever had... Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before! Quote
narre Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 I once took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow. The chap said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?" I replied, "Dunno, sticks I suppose?" Quote
superjack Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 My bank lets me send a text message and they'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary! Quote
superjack Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 Was in a Cafe today and there was a massive row going on between 2 waitresses about how long a tea bag should be left in a cup. Well it got quite violent and I asked the Manager what was going on. He said it had been brewing for ages. Quote
narre Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 A fat woman goes to her doctor and asks, "What are the easiest exercises I can take to lose weight?" He replies, "At certain times, just shake your head." "What certain times?" "Whenever someone offers you food!" Quote
narre Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 A fat bird approached me in the pub last night. She said, "I'm Anita." I said, "Yeah I can tell!" Quote
narre Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did... She's 21, her name's Lucy and she's got huge tits! Quote
narre Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 When my wife gets out of bed, she likes to put on a school boys uniform, a school cap and speak in a Scottish accent.. . She's always a little krankie in the morning! Quote
Robbo-Jambo Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 54 minutes ago, narre said: The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did... She's 21, her name's Lucy and she's got huge tits! Quote
superjack Posted October 16, 2020 Posted October 16, 2020 At least Dundee stuck to the covid rules by only letting 6 in. Quote
Der Kaiser Posted October 17, 2020 Posted October 17, 2020 8 hours ago, superjack said: At least Dundee stuck to the covid rules by only letting 6 in. Quote
superjack Posted October 20, 2020 Posted October 20, 2020 I just seen a car being driven by a young sheep wearing a swim suit. It looked like a lamb bikini to me. Quote
highlandjambo3 Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 What’s the difference between a rhinoceros and a zippo?.......... Ones quite heavy and ones a little lighter. Quote
I P Knightley Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 Can someone in admin explain why my posts have been removed? It's really annoying as my fence panels keep falling over. Quote
mrmarkus1981 Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs! Quote
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 On 22/10/2020 at 09:45, I P Knightley said: Can someone in admin explain why my posts have been removed? It's really annoying as my fence panels keep falling over. Sorry, didn't mean for anyone to take a fence. Quote
narre Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch... She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back next year! Quote
narre Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 My missus is threatening to leave because she's fed up with me talking like a newsreader... More on this story later! Quote
narre Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 My wife says she's leaving me because she thinks I'm obsessed with astronomy... What planet is she on? Quote
narre Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 "I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door. "Please babe, don't go," I pleaded. "Think of our baby." "What baby?" she said. "You're not pregnant?" Quote
narre Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 My family and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop... I've just taken the lead! Quote
narre Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires... Those were the Good Years! Quote
narre Posted October 25, 2020 Posted October 25, 2020 I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners." Apparently, it was my complimentary nan! Quote
Jamstomorrow Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 What's white and glides round the ballroom? Cum dancing. Quote
superjack Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 31 minutes ago, Jamstomorrow said: What's white and glides round the ballroom? Cum dancing. What's white and slithers down the side of a church? The cumming of the lord. Quote
¼½¾ Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant. Quote
superjack Posted October 27, 2020 Posted October 27, 2020 5 minutes ago, Lemongrab said: What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant. Bloody hell, I just spat out a mouthful of tea there. Quote
superjack Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 I always carry a pebble in my pocket to throw at people who sign or play Christmas songs in october. I call it my jingle bell rock. Quote
narre Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 I fell asleep at a party last night and somebody went and put a tea bag in my mouth. I went absolutely mental... Nobody treats me like a mug! Quote
¼½¾ Posted October 28, 2020 Posted October 28, 2020 I got kicked off the Dragon's Den when I tried to pitch my Polo suppositories. Who cares, I'm minted already. Quote
superjack Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you" the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright" he says "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat". Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries "I want a MEATIER shower!" Quote
I P Knightley Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 I got my exam results back. So chuffed with my C in Latin. I thought I'd done quite well but didn't think I'd get 100%. Quote
Armageddon Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 Is @narre just using this thread to hammer the post count up??!! Quote
narre Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 17 minutes ago, Armageddon said: Is @narre just using this thread to hammer the post count up??!! Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts. Quote
Armageddon Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 1 minute ago, narre said: Not really i just like to help keep the jokes rolling on,been on kickback in its various forms for over 20 years i am not interested in the post count.40 years in Melbourne this is the best way to to keep in touch with all things Hearts. Your Mug joke did make me laugh, i'll give you that! Quote
narre Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 Just now, Armageddon said: Your Mug joke did make me laugh, i'll give you that! Aim to please matey👍 Quote
martoon Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 Why isn't Trump allowed back in the White House? It's forBiden Quote
kila Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 2 minutes ago, martoon said: Why isn't Trump allowed back in the White House? It's forBiden Quote
redjambo Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 2 hours ago, Armageddon said: Is @narre just using this thread to hammer the post count up??!! I don't get this joke. Quote
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