JWL Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 Billy Bob started a new construction job on a Tuesday, worked the rest of the week and on the following Monday morning, calls his foreman. "Boss, I'm not gonna make it in today...I'm sick." He shows up Tuesday morning, works the rest of the week and the following Monday, sure enough, he calls the foreman. "Boss, not gonna make it today...I'm sick." The foreman calls him into his office Tuesday morning, sits him down and says, "Billy, this calling in on Mondays has to stop. You're a good worker and I don't want to fire you. Is there something wrong? Drugs, Alcohol?" Billy Bob replies, "No, sir. I don't drink or do drugs, but my brother in law does. He gets drunk and beats my sister around. Monday mornings, I visit her, comfort her and then we have sex." The foreman's jaw drops and he asks "Billy, did I hear you right? You're having sex with your sister?" Billy Bob replies, "Yeah, I told you I was sick." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 Studies have shown that men think about sex every 5 minge! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pharmaceutical01 Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?? a washing machine doesn’t follow you about for a fortnight once you put a load in!!! I know I know ...taxi! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 10 hours ago, pharmaceutical01 said: What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?? a washing machine doesn’t follow you about for a fortnight once you put a load in!!! I know I know ...taxi! What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 57 minutes ago, superjack said: What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Quasimodo has had both his arms amputated so he decides to ring the bells of Notre Damne with his hardened face. One day he hits the bell so hard, he loses his footing and falls to his death. Tourists & onlookers run over to the deceased Quasimodo. “Does anyone know who he was?” someone asks. “No,” another person says, “But his face rings a bell” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 6 hours ago, superjack said: What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out. What’s the odd one out between a woman, a washing machine and a toaster? The toaster. It doesn’t leak when it’s fu***d. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Today I can finally say it ... hindsight really is 2020. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 Did you know the inventor of the umbrella was going to call it a brella .....but he hesitated! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 1, 2021 Share Posted January 1, 2021 I saw an old friend with no legs at the bus stop earlier today... I said, "How you getting on?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smack Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Bruce Willis has sadly passed away after an overdose of Viagra. Still, at least he died hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A Manila Folder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Is Back Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 Thanks to everyone who has posted jokes on this page over the months. I've been putting a couple on my Facebook page every day to give folks a wee laugh in these shan times. Keep them coming please folks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said: Thanks to everyone who has posted jokes on this page over the months. I've been putting a couple on my Facebook page every day to give folks a wee laugh in these shan times. Keep them coming please folks I don't get it 😉 Edited January 2, 2021 by A Boy Named Crow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Is Back Posted January 2, 2021 Share Posted January 2, 2021 27 minutes ago, A Boy Named Crow said: I don't get it 😉 👏 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 I hired a beggar for my little cafe business. The beggar always stands in front of my door, so out of the goodness of my heart I hired him. I taught him how to use the power juicer, but could never get it right. And that's when it hit me... Beggars can't be juicers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 I’ve been shagging a siamese twin but she finished with me when she found out I was shagging her sister behind her back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 3, 2021 Share Posted January 3, 2021 I just tried to take a selfie in the shower. But it was too blurry. I have selfie steam issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 Why did God give women legs? Have you seen the mess slugs make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 Why don’t witches wear underwear? So they can grip the broom better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 18 minutes ago, narre said: Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back? Spinal problems are far too common. Wish I could just have mines removed as it holds me back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 I have a ton of used batteries I need to get rid of. Does anyone want them? They're free of charge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 4, 2021 Share Posted January 4, 2021 My wife suggested that I take kayak lessons. I said to her, "Are you crazy? Kayak lessons in a Canadian winter?" At the very least I would have to put some kind of heater inside, and everyone knows that you can't have your kayak and heat it too." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 If you get a link syaing FREE PORN don't opin it. It's a viras that deactivets you spelcheck & fcuks up your riting. I receibed it but lukaby I dont uatch porn so din't opin it. Plaese warm yu frends. Wanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start, but I made it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 Apparently, the California D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on California Highways recently and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis, it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds’ beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed from impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”…not a single one could shout “Bike”! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, superjack said: Apparently, the California D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on California Highways recently and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis, it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds’ beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed from impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”…not a single one could shout “Bike”! 🤣 Most jokes on here I've heard before, or some version of the joke anyway. This ^^^ I did not see coming though, superb! Edited January 5, 2021 by A Boy Named Crow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 5, 2021 Share Posted January 5, 2021 My wife left me for a tractor salesman. Just got a John Deere letter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 6, 2021 Share Posted January 6, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 I stopped at one of these roadside cafe's recently. There was sign offering Lobster Tails for £5 so I handed over my fiver and the guy said "Once upon a time there was this lobster...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whodanny Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 On 05/01/2021 at 09:54, A Boy Named Crow said: 🤣 Most jokes on here I've heard before, or some version of the joke anyway. This ^^^ I did not see coming though, superb! Hmmm... For A Boy Named Crow I must say your vocabulary is remarkable. Have you learned to say bike yet ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, whodanny said: Hmmm... For A Boy Named Crow I must say your vocabulary is remarkable. Have you learned to say bike yet ? What's in a name eh 😉 Edited January 7, 2021 by A Boy Named Crow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alwaysthereinspirit Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 On 02/01/2021 at 17:02, A Boy Named Crow said: I don't get it 😉 Think about it. ok I’ll help you... He’s on Facebook Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Slog Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 2 hours ago, superjack said: Very nearly pmsl, literally Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 A hawk, lion and skunk were having a debate over who was the best. Hawk: I can fly & have the best sight. Lion: I'm the king of animals. Skunk: I don't have to fight. A crocodile came & swallowed all of them. Hawk, Lion & Stinker. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whodanny Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 14 hours ago, A Boy Named Crow said: What's in a name eh 😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted January 8, 2021 Share Posted January 8, 2021 On 05/01/2021 at 22:14, superjack said: My wife left me for a tractor salesman. Just got a John Deere letter. I gave up my obsession for tractors years ago you could say I’m a ex-tractor fan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Munro Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) Been watching a lot of Roman lesbian pornography. Just saw two girls Caesaring. Edited January 9, 2021 by Bunny Munro Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Slog Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 Never call a horrible cow of a woman a *****. She lacks both the depth and warmth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trotter Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 It's a shame you don't see more kids called Lance these days. Back in medieval times they were called Lance a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter. "Nobody hangs horses darling," I replied. "Who told you that people hang horses?" "I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 What's the difference between a tick and the Eiffel tower? Nothing they're both Paris sites. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 A husband and wife are lying in bed, having just wakened from a night's sleep. Wife: "I had a dream I was at Walmart." Husband: "I had a dream I was in bed with two women." Wife: "Was I one of the women?" Husband. "No, you were at Walmart." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I'm having difficulty remembering the brand name of fizzy sweets I used to enjoy as a kid, so I'm going on a Refresher course Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 My mate once said, "The first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss." It's true. I still remember mine, an old banger that stank of piss... For the life of me I can't remember what the car was though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 16, 2021 Share Posted January 16, 2021 The vaccine war is on. Asda offering the Oxford / Astra Zenica for £2.00 Tesco doing 3 for a Pfizer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted January 17, 2021 Share Posted January 17, 2021 Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store. As yet the store wasn’t ready with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other.”I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek , and in a soft voice asked . “ What are you selling here. One of the men replied sarcastically. We’re selling a*seholes . Without skipping a beat. The old woman said.” Must be doing well..... Only two left Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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