The Real Maroonblood Posted December 14, 2020 Share Posted December 14, 2020 2 minutes ago, superjack said: I brought a bureau the other day, I opened it up and 14 people fell out, It seems it was a missing person's bureau. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted December 14, 2020 Share Posted December 14, 2020 An auld Bill Barclay classic.... Stopped at a motorway services in England and fancied a cheeseburger so I went to the chuck wagon and there was a big old woman behind the counter. I asked for a cheeseburger and a hot dog and she reached into the freezer and took out a frozen burger patty. She then placed the burger under her armpit. I asked "what are you doing with the burger"? "Oh I'm just defrosting it for you" she answered. I replied "well if that's the case you can just cancel the hotdog"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted December 14, 2020 Share Posted December 14, 2020 I was sat on the edge of the bed the other night, pulling off my boxers, when the wife said to me "you really spoil these dogs". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted December 14, 2020 Share Posted December 14, 2020 I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London underground. He went from barking to tooting in 20 minutes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 14, 2020 Share Posted December 14, 2020 15 minutes ago, 1953 said: I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London underground. He went from barking to tooting in 20 minutes. I hate myself for doing this but Barking to Tooting is the best part of an hour. District line then Northern. A journey I've taken with that joke in mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, I P Knightley said: I hate myself for doing this but Barking to Tooting is the best part of an hour. District line then Northern. A journey I've taken with that joke in mind. Aye, it must be a crease in the space time continuum, but everywhere in London seems to be an hour from everywhere else. I stopped worrying about it after a while. Edited December 15, 2020 by A Boy Named Crow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 8 hours ago, I P Knightley said: I hate myself for doing this but Barking to Tooting is the best part of an hour. District line then Northern. A journey I've taken with that joke in mind. Fair enough, I've no idea at all. I've no idea why that joke came to mind when it did as it's quite old really, Barry Crier I think, he may have said an hour and I got it wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 My wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl... I replied, "I didn't even know he played effin cricket!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 My girlfriend just sent me a message saying, "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative". What does ternative mean? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 16, 2020 Share Posted December 16, 2020 What’s yellow and kills you if you get it in your eye? A bulldozer! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 On 15/12/2020 at 09:06, narre said: My girlfriend just sent me a message saying, "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative". What does ternative mean? 😁 like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 9 hours ago, luckyBatistuta said: 😁 like that 😊👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 17, 2020 Share Posted December 17, 2020 On 15/12/2020 at 04:06, narre said: My girlfriend just sent me a message saying, "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative". What does ternative mean? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted December 19, 2020 Share Posted December 19, 2020 The flat earth society have just declared that they have members all over the globe! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 19, 2020 Share Posted December 19, 2020 I thought about getting a tattoo of the solar system. If I place it right I only need seven tattoos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted December 19, 2020 Share Posted December 19, 2020 8 hours ago, 1953 said: The flat earth society have just declared that they have members all over the globe! Reminds me of the time I printed out stickers saying "cancelled due to unforeseen events" and went round sticking them on posters for a forthcoming psychic fair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cris...a Gillingham fan... Posted December 20, 2020 Share Posted December 20, 2020 What's grey and stands at the end of the bed taking the piss? A kidney dialysis machine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cris...a Gillingham fan... Posted December 20, 2020 Share Posted December 20, 2020 What's grey and stands at the end of the bed taking the piss? A kidney dialysis machine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 20, 2020 Share Posted December 20, 2020 The wife wanted an iPhone or iPad for Christmas... They seemed expensive so I settled for an iRon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 When was paying for my 10 foot Christmas tree and the guy said, "Are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, I'm putting it in the livingroom." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 Sad news,,,, I broke up with a girlfriend called Loraine as she found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee. The good news is I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamstomorrow Posted December 21, 2020 Share Posted December 21, 2020 12 hours ago, narre said: Sad news,,,, I broke up with a girlfriend called Loraine as she found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee. The good news is I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone. Certainly no obstacles in your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 Shamelessly copied & pasted (with tweaks) from the Grauniad.... An plane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes. The first passenger said, 'I am Steve Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the US President and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.' The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest president took my schoolbag...' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted December 22, 2020 Author Share Posted December 22, 2020 4 minutes ago, John Gentleman said: Shamelessly copied & pasted (with tweaks) from the Grauniad.... An plane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 Anyone know how long it takes to get hearing aids back from repair? I sent mine off two weeks ago and haven't heard anything since. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 4 hours ago, John Gentleman said: Shamelessly copied & pasted (with tweaks) from the Grauniad.... An plane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes. The first passenger said, 'I am Steve Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the US President and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.' The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest president took my schoolbag...' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 On 21/12/2020 at 07:28, Lemongrab said: When was paying for my 10 foot Christmas tree and the guy said, "Are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, I'm putting it in the livingroom." 😅 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 I just spotted an albino Dalmatian, It was the least I could do to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 I just paid £100 for an oxo cube, the stock market has gone crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 I said to my missus "we need to spice things up". She said "but I'm allergic to chili peppers". I said "I meant in the bedroom". She said "I can't eat them anywhere in the house". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 I've read that if you have relatives round on Christmas Day, the police can force entry to your house and make them go home. Does anyone know if you have to book in advance or can you just phone in? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CostaJambo Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 One I just made up...... Tina Turner is thinking of making a comeback. She is gonna change her name to Tina Returner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 5 hours ago, John Findlay said: 🤣🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 1 minute ago, CostaJambo said: One I just made up...... Tina Turner is thinking of making a comeback. She is gonna change her name to Tina Returner. Cher is going to do the same, this time, however, with her twin sister. Cher and Cher alike.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 I was putting fuel in the car at Tesco and overheard 2 young ladies as they were filling theirs. The first said that fuel prices were creeping up again. The blonde one replied that it won't affect her as she always only puts £10 worth in! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 24, 2020 Share Posted December 24, 2020 It's always flattering to be told you have a nice arse... Unless it's during a prostate examination! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willie wallace Posted December 25, 2020 Share Posted December 25, 2020 Just having dinner and pulling crackers. All I can think off is Super Jack and Narre. Not that the crackers are in the same league though😃 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CostaJambo Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 A guy bumps into his mate and seeing he has been in a bit of bother asks him "how you get the black eye". His mate says his wife gave him it. "But I thought she was out of town" says the first guy. "So did I" replies his mate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 Last night my wife wore a sexy police uniform to bed. She said "You are under arrest for being a great lover" 90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man it could be worse.... you could be underground in a hole full of water". I know he means well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 28, 2020 Share Posted December 28, 2020 Me: I met a girl with 12 breasts. Her: That's sounds very strange. Me: Dozen Tit!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 29, 2020 Share Posted December 29, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 29, 2020 Share Posted December 29, 2020 13 minutes ago, superjack said: I think it was called bushcraft. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted December 29, 2020 Share Posted December 29, 2020 19 minutes ago, superjack said: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted December 29, 2020 Share Posted December 29, 2020 On 24/12/2020 at 17:15, narre said: I was putting fuel in the car at Tesco and overheard 2 young ladies as they were filling theirs. The first said that fuel prices were creeping up again. The blonde one replied that it won't affect her as she always only puts £10 worth in! Another winner from narre. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greedy Jambo Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 Captain Tom... Reminds me how lazy my grandparents were. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 Will glass coffins ever be a success???? Remains to be seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 2 minutes ago, narre said: Will glass coffins ever be a success???? Remains to be seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted December 31, 2020 Share Posted December 31, 2020 My wife sent me to the classical music store to but a whole lot of albums. To ensure I wouldn't forget any she gave me a Chopin Liszt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.