Tazio Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I heard that a fairy got pregnant when she sat on a toadstool. Hardcore version of kissing a frog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in a microwave until its bill withers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friendly_jasper Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 how do you give a woman an orgasm..... who cares! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the Hearts way Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 what do you call Hibs playing in the championshit this season ???? " punching above their weight ". HHGH FTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboz Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Why did Nivea cream? Because Max factor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 A brain and 2 shits walk into a bar..Brain "Pint of lager for myself and 2 vodka n cokes for my friends here"Barman "I'm no serving ye"Brain "Why not?" Barman "Coz you're out your face and those two are steamin" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I was very disappointed when I took my kids to the zoo recently. The only animal on display was a dog. It was a Shihtzu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Alan 'googly eyes' Stubbs has 3 players on trial at Hibs. After the trial period he calls them all together. He looks at the first player and asks him 'how do you think you did in the trial'. The second player answers 'I thought I did pretty well'. Stubbs says 'I wasn't talking to you'. The third player says 'I didn't say anything'. Unashamedly plagiarised from a joke told on the 'Best of Offside' video posted on another thread earlier today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobNox Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I was very disappointed when I took my kids to the zoo recently. The only animal on display was a dog. It was a Shihtzu. I don't know why some of these jokes just hit the funny bone, but this did reduce me to a serious bout of chuckling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex instead of my liquid Viagra. Now I've got a massive correction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) I accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex instead of my liquid Viagra. Now I've got a massive correction. I swallowed my viagra down the wrong way. Ive had a stiff neck all day. Edited September 11, 2015 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Two old ladies on a park bench and a man walking by stops and flashes at them. The first lady has a stroke. The second lady doesnae as her arms are too wee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 An Italian bloke goes into John Lewis,toiletries department,the young lady behind the counter says,yes sir can i help you, the Italian guy in broken English says aaayyyy i would like a deodoranti.....yes sir would you like a ball deodorant or an aerosol deodorant, the Italian says me no want a deodoranti for me balls or me arrishole me want to skoosh it on me armypits Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neilson's Shank Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 Two dyslexics in a kitchen First one says "can you smell gas?" Second one says "naw, can't even smell my own name" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I heard there's a cure for dyslexia. That's music to my arse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 I heard there's a cure for dyslexia. That's music to my arse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 I heard there's a cure for dyslexia. That's music to my arse. True story: Once saw a newspaper headline - "Reading more books is best way to beat dislexia" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinnybob72 Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 What do you call a guy with one leg longer than the other? Bill Tupshoe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboz Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 What do you call a guy with one leg longer than the other? Bill Tupshoe What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other? Ilene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroongoals Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 (edited) Book Names Wet bed, by i p knightly Nail in the banister by R Stornaway Edited September 12, 2015 by maroongoals Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Book Names Wet bed, by i p knightly Nail in the banister by R Stornaway Tiger in the Bed by Claude Balls The Russian Hooker by Knickerz Onanovski Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Tiger in the Bed by Claude Balls The Russian Hooker by Knickerz Onanovski Knickerz? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboz Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Book Names Wet bed, by i p knightly Nail in the banister by R Stornaway Puddles in the bathroom, by I P Squint Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Puddles in the bathroom, by I P SquintThats not the original title, is it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Book Names Wet bed, by i p knightly How about my sequel, "This Taxi Smells Funny"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 How about my sequel, "This Taxi Smells Funny"? By Pat Stanton, by any chance? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poultry Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Got off the train the other week to find a guy laying dead on platform 4, he was covered in sprinkles and raspberry sauce. Police said he topped himself. Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meadows Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Just found out I'm colour blind. That was a bolt out of the yellow ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidsnot Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 I'm so tough I once strangled 5 guys by using a cordless telephone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroongoals Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Teacher asks the class to tell the others what they did during the holidays, a few kids go first and then its little johnny' s turn. Johhny says we had great fun sticking bangers up a cats bum !! Rectum the teacher Corrected, Little Johnny says dead right blew it to pieces..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BananaStand Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Teacher asks the class to tell the others what they did during the holidays, a few kids go first and then its little johnny' s turn. Johhny says we had great fun sticking bangers up a cats bum !! Rectum the teacher Corrected, Little Johnny says dead right blew it to pieces..... Haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I heard there's a cure for dyslexia. That's music to my arse. That's easily the best dyslexia joke I've ever heard. Much better than the dog one. Not quite as good, but I've always liked, "Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 That's easily the best dyslexia joke I've ever heard. Much better than the dog one. Not quite as good, but I've always liked, "Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!" Dyslexia Rules KO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andyscott82 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 How do you know ET is a hibs fan? Because he looks like one What's ET short for? Cos he's got wee legs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doctor jambo Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 The Passionate Russian by I Chewedhertitsov. The Serbian call girl, by Slobberdown makokjabic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroonlegions Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ?Business trip or pleasure?? She turned, smiled and said, ?Business. I?m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ?What?s your Business at this convention?? ?Lecturer,? she responded. ?I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.? ?Really?? he said. ?And what kind of myths are there?? ?Well,? she explained, ?one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. ?I?m Sorry,? she said, ?I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don?t Even know your name.? ?Tonto,? the man said, ?Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy". Edited September 14, 2015 by maroonlegions Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 What do you call a black guy flying a plane? The pilot, you racist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamboz Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Primary School Teacher to pupils. 'I want you to give me a sentence with the word 'definitely' in it. Wee Johnny shoots up his hand. 'Please Miss. Do farts come oot in lumps ?' Teacher says 'No Johnny' 'In that case ah've definitely shit massel!' Laughed at that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1874robbo Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 A guy is ready to jump off a bridge when suddenly he hears a voice asking what he,s doing? He looks and there standing beside him is santa. "Santa i am ending it" he says "ive lost my wife,my job and owe lots of money i can't take anymore". Listen im santa and i'll help you if you do something for me. "Oh anything santa anything" he says "Right" says santa, "when you get home tonight your wife will be waiting with open arms for you and at your job you wont be sacked anymore infact you"ll have a promotion!! When you check your bank tomorrow there will be ?50,000 in it, more than enough to pay your debts" "Oh santa, this is amazing how can i ever repay you" "Well"says santa "take your trousers down and bend over that railing" which the man does. After 10 mins off having his way with him santa whispers in the guys ear "can i ask how old you are" "50" the guy says "why" "And you still believe in feckin santa!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim747 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I breed racing snails and I decided to remove the shell from my best performer, to decrease weight and increase aerodynamics, but if anything, it seems a little more sluggish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 German POW camp and it is Christmas Time. The Kommandant gets all the prisoners from both the huts lined up and shouts 'As a special Christmas present we are going to allow you all to have a change of underwear !' This was met by loud cheers from the prisoners. 'Hut A will change with Hut B' laughed the Kommandant. did you just make that up yourself??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 did you just make that up yourself??? I thought it was perfectly fitting for this thread Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BananaStand Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 did you just make that up yourself??? Pmsl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I thought it was perfectly fitting for this thread Right enough, silly me. It is crap...doh! Certainly not. I think it is hilarious. But I laugh a lot anyway. This thread has been great ! Apologies for thinking your crap joke was crap... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick Grimes Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyBatistuta Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Actually it is pretty crap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BananaStand Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 What do you call a brown man standing next to a cow with a bit of ham on his head? Moohamhed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 What do you call a man with spots on his head -- Rashid Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 What does Geronimo shout while skydiving? Mmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friendly_jasper Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 paddy comes home holding a dog turd and says "look what I nearly stood on". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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