FWJ Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a deer with no eyes No idea What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Continuing the cheese gags. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What a horrendous joke Would the pie have HP sauce in it though Bet you lol'd though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What did John Wayne call his kids? The weans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudolfskai Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 knock knock who's there? Europe Europe who? Naw you're a poo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Der Kaiser Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 3 Teddy Bears in an airing cupboard. Which one is the hardest? The one in the tank. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 they don't show the flintstones in Kuwait but..........................Abu diabi doo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zico Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) What did the constipated mathematician do? Worked it out with a pencil. They don't have the Flintsones in Saudi Arabia. But Abu Dhabi do. A carrot and a beetroot are watching Bullseye. The carrot's being a dick to the beetroot so after a while, the beetroot batters the carrot. You can't bully a bit of beet. Edited August 26, 2015 by Zico Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michael_bolton Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 My personal favourite is more of a visual/have to be there joke. I like to claim the nearest colleague's cuppa, then place it in front of my work station. I then tell the person next to me that I don't really like my computer. When he/she asks why I say 'It's not my cup of tea'. Maybe you have to be there. I don't care. I know I'm hilarious Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 toothless woodworm crawls into a pub and asks..................."where's the bar tender"............ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 they don't show the flintstones in Kuwait but..........................Abu diabi doo I even checked how to spell Abu Dhabi.................and still typed it wrong........DOH!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
His name is Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 For example The guy who found a trumpet growing in his garden- he rooted it oot Make me cringe kickback That's my party piece [emoji1] Sent from my D5833 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Knock Knock whos there? Avon, your bells fecked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neilson's Shank Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 If the universe implodes, ach no matter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) What do you call a deer with no eyes No idea What do you call a deer, with eyes and no legs?.Still no idea. Edited August 26, 2015 by aussieh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
friendly_jasper Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 two flies on a jobbie.... one farted and the other one said "cmon George not while im eating" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thunderstruck Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's the fastest place in Scotland Ayr Toon Centre. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Private Hudson Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's E.T. short for? He's only got wee legs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 knock knock who's there? Europe Europe who? Naw you're a poo Pedantic: knock knock me: Who's there? Pedantic: To me: To who? Pedantic: No, that should be 'To whom?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What do you call a deer, with eyes and no legs?. Still no idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no tadger?Still no fecking idea. What type of bees give milk? Boo bees. What type of key can climb trees? Mon key. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big D Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 My personal favourite is more of a visual/have to be there joke. I like to claim the nearest colleague's cuppa, then place it in front of my work station. I then tell the person next to me that I don't really like my computer. When he/she asks why I say 'It's not my cup of tea'. Maybe you have to be there. I don't care. I know I'm hilarious I was delighted (after about a decade waiting) when a colleague asked me where to get copier toner. it's in the stationary cupboard. Where's that? Where it always is. it's the stationary cupboard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar and the barman says "Is this some kind of joke?" Why should you never pick a fight with a Eucalyptus cough sweet? Cos they are pure menthol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haken Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your jammies? Yer granny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WSTR Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Knock Knock Who's there Jehovah's Witness' **** off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Getintaethem Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's black and white and lies in the jungle?... ...Tarzan's old St Mirren top. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's and swings through the jungle? Tarzan the Fridge. Why do elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees. What is the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 A man walks into the butchers and asks 'have you got a sheep's heid? No says the butcher' it's just the way I part my hair'. Man asks the butcher, "Is that your Ayrshire bacon?" "Naw. Ah'm just warmin' ma hauns". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting Cow Interrupting C... MOOOOO! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ｕｎｋｎｏｗｎｕｓｅｒ Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Gay guy walks into a butcher and asks "can I have a mince round?" "Aye on you go" says the butcher Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's a pirate's favourite letter? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's a pirate's favourite letter? Rrrrrrrrrr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stupid Sexy Flanders Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's green and invisible? This cabbage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Rrrrrrrrrr You'd have thought, but it be the C. A-harrrr! Without a P, they'd be irate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maiden Gorgie Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What did the blacksmith's dog do when it got a fright? Made a bolt for the door Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thunderstruck Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 You'd have thought, but it be the C. A-harrrr! Without a P, they'd be irate. The name of the Pirate Robot - A-harr 2 D 2 What do Pirate Children learn - The 3 A-harrs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Did you hear about the circumcisor with the shaky hand? He got the sack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alan_R Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 -whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I didnt pay ?50 to have a lentil on my face -what does a walrus and a tupperware box have in common?they both like a good tight seal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pennywise Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Why did the baker have brown hands? Cos he was kneading a jobby. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy the Jambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Whats black and white and eats like a horse , A zebra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ｕｎｋｎｏｗｎｕｓｅｒ Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Did you hear about the circumcisor with the shaky hand? He got the sack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RudiHMFC Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Two monkeys in a bath One turns to the other and says 'OOO AAHHH AHH AHH!' The other says 'Put some cold in then' Laughed at this for some reason :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RudiHMFC Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Gay guy walks into a butcher and asks "can I have a mince round?" "Aye on you go" says the butcher Reminds me of the classic Harry Enfield sketch when his son's boyfriend asks for a Mince pie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick-knife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's pink and hard in the morning? The Financial Times crossword Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guess The Crowd Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's pink and hangs out your pants? Your mother Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Bilel Mohsni Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Wee rabbit called Bill has been feeling really ill for a few weeks. His friends (assortment of squirrels and hedgehogs etc) ask him round for supper one night and plan to try and find out what's wrong with him, and hopefully help him. So on the Friday night he agrees to meet them all at Kevin the Squirrel's house. Tracy the hedgehog pops in to the kitchen and offers to make them all a bite to eat. Kevin and Bill want cheese and ham toasties. Tracy agrees and makes them all one each. Half way through supper Kevin asks Bill what's wrong. Bill relents and says he has been feeling terrible recently, but he's not sure why. Tracy asks if it is maybe the flu, but Bill doesn't think so, Kevin suggests a stomach bug, but again Bill doesn't look convinced. "What have you eaten these last few weeks Bill?" Asks Tracy. "Just this sort of thing, Tracy" Replies Bill... "I had a cheese and beans toastie on Monday, a chips and cheese one on Tuesday, a salad and tuna one on Wednesday, and yesterday I had a chicken and cheese one". Suddenly Bill takes a bite of his snack, then stares right at both of his friends and looks terrified... "OH MY GOD... I KNOW WHAT IT IS! ITS MIXING MY TOASTIES!" Bill died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a ghost? A cocker poodle boo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know One. Two. One-two. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know Cos you weren't there man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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