Del1812 Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 My Fianc?es brother in law just told me this beauty. He was out on the raz once and was really, really hammered. So instead of going back to his house, where his wife and bairn were, he went back to his mum and dads as they lived close to where he was. So he got in the house, went to his bed and about an hour later he needed a pish. So, stark bollock naked, he walked the usual route he would take to the bathroom in his own house and started peeing. Although, the usual route he took was of course not the same route he had to take in his mum and dads house. His dad came out into the hall to see him, naked, peeing from the top of the stairs, down to the bottom. When he noticed his dad he got such a fright, he fell down the stairs into a pool of his own pish and fell asleep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JP Morgan Posted July 3, 2012 Share Posted July 3, 2012 When I still lived with the folks out in gorebridge I would occasionally get the x95 bus home on a friday night as the 3 or 86 took far too long with a bladder full of drink, one night I get on the x95 and despite my best efforts promptly dozed off. When I wake up I instantly panic knowing I'm on the x95 and can end up in gala, it takes me a few seconds to focus but the the reief hits me as I see we are just crossing the bridge on the A7 before gorebridge, so pings the bell and jumps off at the next stop. Only just as the bus is pulling away ( I was the only person that got off) I realise that it wasn't the bridge just before Gorebridge and every direction I look all I can see is pitch blackness! I use the light on my phone (which has no reception at all) to check the bus stop to see where the hell I am, turns out I was at Fountainhall and according to the timetable the last bus in the opposite direction had been due 6 minutes ago! I start panicing as I have no idea how far fountainhall is on the road to gala and am I best walking towards Gorebridge or Gala? I guess towards gorebridge and start walking then 5 mins later, out of nowhere the last x95 to edinburgh comes hurtling round the corner and I'm jusmpintg about like a madman in the middle of the road trying to get him to stop which thankfully he does and lets me on for free as I explained what had happened, was so glad that bus was empty! I did exactly this, I used to stay in Temple, could always fall asleep on the normal buses because I was getting off at Birkenside which was the last stop and the driver would normally wake me up. Got the 95, fell asleep and woke up past Heriot. That was a long walk home in the pissing rain.... I still can't stay awake on a bus journey longer than 30 minutes, even sober! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stuart Lyon Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 JPM - hope you are not a bus driver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homme Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Works Xmas night out about 5 years ago. Went to get the citylink back home from Glasgow to harthill. Slept through the harthill stop and ended up in Edinburgh. Stayed on the bus to go back to harthill - fell,asleep again and ended up back in Glasgow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvin Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Works Xmas night out about 5 years ago. Went to get the citylink back home from Glasgow to harthill. Slept through the harthill stop and ended up in Edinburgh. Stayed on the bus to go back to harthill - fell,asleep again and ended up back in Glasgow No offence but if I slept through Farthill I'd be quite pleased Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tedarmy Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 My boss (hibby) had a good one yesterday! He lost the keys for the mill van and was blaming everyone for moving them. He had come in, put the keys in his bunnet and forgot about them. At lunchtime he put the bunnet on so the keys were on his head!! It was ages before he noticed. He got some abuse for that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Currahee! Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 My boss (hibby) had a good one yesterday! He lost the keys for the mill van and was blaming everyone for moving them. He had come in, put the keys in his bunnet and forgot about them. At lunchtime he put the bunnet on so the keys were on his head!! It was ages before he noticed. He got some abuse for that one The 1st 3 words was enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Buck Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 My first day of high school. Let's just say I wasn't very street wise I got there fine and was ok for the whole day. Then after school I had to say bye to my friends as none of them lived in the same area as me. So I crossed the road and waited for the bus. Jumped on, sat down and just started daydreaming. It was only about an hour later that I realised I was in Pilton, not Oxgangs. Turns out I had got on at the wrong side of the road I still get slagged for it to this day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Del1812 Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 My first day of high school. Let's just say I wasn't very street wise I got there fine and was ok for the whole day. Then after school I had to say bye to my friends as none of them lived in the same area as me. So I crossed the road and waited for the bus. Jumped on, sat down and just started daydreaming. It was only about an hour later that I realised I was in Pilton, not Oxgangs. Turns out I had got on at the wrong side of the road I still get slagged for it to this day Nice choice of words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Future's Maroon Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Once as a very young lad....prob about 6 or 7 I was playing the carpark area where I stayed, it had cupboards/mini hut things for bins with a catch on them..... For some reason I decided to go in one of the empty ones but a gust of wind blew the door shut (hence why I posted the image so you know what type of catch), door slammed shut...was pitch black got really scared, think I may even have cried and was stuck in there for about an hour before someone heard me shouting help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shapes Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 I've driven up footpaths/cycle paths by mistake THREE times in the space of about 8 months The first time was fireworks night and my friend and I were trying to find somewhere to sit. And even though it was pitch black and like 9pm there was actually a cyclist on the path and here's me trying to reverse all the way back up it while screaming at my friend for telling me it was a road Second time I was trying to find the car park in a country park and went too far past it and started driving towards folk walking dogs and with prams etc. Third time I thought it was a road and ended up driving through a flood, losing a mudguard and getting a branch stuck in my engine. I really shouldn't be allowed to drive. Ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Floyd Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 I've driven up footpaths/cycle paths by mistake THREE times in the space of about 8 months The first time was fireworks night and my friend and I were trying to find somewhere to sit. And even though it was pitch black and like 9pm there was actually a cyclist on the path and here's me trying to reverse all the way back up it while screaming at my friend for telling me it was a road Second time I was trying to find the car park in a country park and went too far past it and started driving towards folk walking dogs and with prams etc. Third time I thought it was a road and ended up driving through a flood, losing a mudguard and getting a branch stuck in my engine. I really shouldn't be allowed to drive. Ever. Is it true you actually got you driving license by sending away tokens from a corn flake box along with a cheque for ?5.99?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shapes Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Is it true you actually got you driving license by sending away tokens from a corn flake box along with a cheque for ?5.99?? I wish it cost me ?5.99 to pass my test! 7 attempts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caspian Primrose Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 I've driven up footpaths/cycle paths by mistake THREE times in the space of about 8 months The first time was fireworks night and my friend and I were trying to find somewhere to sit. And even though it was pitch black and like 9pm there was actually a cyclist on the path and here's me trying to reverse all the way back up it while screaming at my friend for telling me it was a road Second time I was trying to find the car park in a country park and went too far past it and started driving towards folk walking dogs and with prams etc. Third time I thought it was a road and ended up driving through a flood, losing a mudguard and getting a branch stuck in my engine. I really shouldn't be allowed to drive. Ever. female?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Floyd Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 I wish it cost me ?5.99 to pass my test! 7 attempts After hearing about your driving mishaps, I'm amazed it only took 7 attempts. Were you on first name terms with any of the examiners by the time you passed?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I really shouldn't be allowed to drive. Ever. Not so stupid after all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Great Khali Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 I wish it cost me ?5.99 to pass my test! 7 attempts Aye but how many times did you fail your theory? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hansel Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I wish it cost me ?5.99 to pass my test! 7 attempts Mrs O was the same. 7 attempts. I took 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hansel Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Just took a dump and realised there's no TP. A loose stool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heres Rixxy Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 This is turning into a drunken stupidity thread. I was visiting a mate in Reading one weekend night and got rather wasted but successfully managed to catch the last train back to London. I'm a tired drunk, so thought I'd rest my head for a 30 minute kip and someone would wake me up once at Paddington. Someone did wake me up, but I was in Southampton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shapes Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Aye but how many times did you fail your theory? Passed the theory first attempt Thought it would be easy street after that...how wrong could I get Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvin Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I've driven up footpaths/cycle paths by mistake THREE times in the space of about 8 months The first time was fireworks night and my friend and I were trying to find somewhere to sit. And even though it was pitch black and like 9pm there was actually a cyclist on the path and here's me trying to reverse all the way back up it while screaming at my friend for telling me it was a road Second time I was trying to find the car park in a country park and went too far past it and started driving towards folk walking dogs and with prams etc. Third time I thought it was a road and ended up driving through a flood, losing a mudguard and getting a branch stuck in my engine. I really shouldn't be allowed to drive. Ever. It was probably a good job I jumped in Graygo's car going to Glasgow the day before the final Unlike my senase of direction, when on holiday directing the driver to where ever it was we were going, we ended up on an Island (or a peninsula if you like) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Great Khali Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 Passed the theory first attempt Thought it would be easy street after that...how wrong could I get Glad you passed the theory though, otherwise this thread probably would have been renamed after you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shapes Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Glad you passed the theory though, otherwise this thread probably would have been renamed after you It took me to 7 pages to post in it....if I posted all the stupid things I do then the thread would be at about 20 pages by now Pressed my car key at my house to try lock it the other week.... Thought I'd broken the lock button in my car too. Not on the car key, actually in the car. Had locked the car door and then it wouldn't open after I was convinced I had unlocked it. Turns out you flick it one way to lock it and the other to unlock it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I think if you fail your test 5 times you should just accept that driving isn't really for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shapes Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I think if you fail your test 5 times you should just accept that driving isn't really for you Or keep going then cause all manner of havoc on the roads Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Great Khali Posted July 9, 2012 Author Share Posted July 9, 2012 It took me to 7 pages to post in it....if I posted all the stupid things I do then the thread would be at about 20 pages by now Pressed my car key at my house to try lock it the other week.... Thought I'd broken the lock button in my car too. Not on the car key, actually in the car. Had locked the car door and then it wouldn't open after I was convinced I had unlocked it. Turns out you flick it one way to lock it and the other to unlock it The car key at the house Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I think if you fail your test 5 times you should just accept that driving isn't really for you personally i think it should be 3 times (i passed on my second test) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mutley Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I think if you fail your test 5 times you should just accept that driving isn't really for you Make it twice, 1 fail allowed for the nervous types Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Merse Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I've driven up footpaths/cycle paths by mistake THREE times in the space of about 8 months The first time was fireworks night and my friend and I were trying to find somewhere to sit. And even though it was pitch black and like 9pm there was actually a cyclist on the path and here's me trying to reverse all the way back up it while screaming at my friend for telling me it was a road Second time I was trying to find the car park in a country park and went too far past it and started driving towards folk walking dogs and with prams etc. Third time I thought it was a road and ended up driving through a flood, losing a mudguard and getting a branch stuck in my engine. I really shouldn't be allowed to drive. Ever. No women should be allowed to drive TBF. Hopeless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
269miles Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Looking at the "same car scenario" that's appeared here a couple of times reminds me of a tale a mate of mine told me many years ago. At the time this happened my mate was living in a rough part of Halifax and had just bought a "new" car , a White Ford Escort MkII (it was a LONG time ago). He was lying in bed late one night in a bad mood as some neighbours across the street (who he hated) were having another late night party. He looks out his bedroom window and sees his neighbours standing around his car talking to a guy in the drivers seat. he runs out the house down the drive and shouts at the guy to get out of his car, Guy refused and the neighbours starts screaming at my enraged mate (who is a karate black belt and heavily into pumping iron). My mate said he totally freaked at the guy in the car and smashed the drivers window and started punching him in the head. After a few minutes struggle the polis arrive, put him in cuffs and drag him across the stree to his own front garden - where his shiny new car parked nice and safe in the drivevway. I also worked with a guy (from Glasgow originally) who phoned in to say he couldn't come to work as his car had been nicked. He then went down the police station to file a report. 20 mins after filing the report he phoned the cops to say he had found his car - at the end of the drive way , where he parked it the night before, completely hammered and didn't remember a thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruno Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Mate of mine has some brilliant drunken tales to tell, this is the best one. We're out in Glasgow one night and we all get seperated. He's hammered and heads back to my mates flat in the west end. After buzzing and banging on the door for ages, he's let in and goes straight for the spare room and crashes out. Wakes up the next day, this isn't the right flat. Tries the door but he's locked in this room. Knocks quietly to find an Indian guy opening the door, my mate mumbles some form of thanks and is out of there like a shot. He'd gotten in number 30 not number 24. Pretty decent of this guy to let an absolutely hammered guy stay the night. Other classics include turning up at 5am not wearing trousers and going on a date with a girl and waking up on her sofa having relieved himself through the night and then escaping through the window, before trying to pass it off as orange juice via text message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Draper Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Wrong thread. How apt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Buck Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Wrong thread. How apt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvin Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Or keep going then cause all manner of havoc on the roads You should try driving down here in Bath shake, I am frequently dodging cars as they race through red lights and turn without indicating. Its a lottery of death especially if you are a pedestrian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shapes Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Got another car related one in the morning *sent from a green flag recovery van* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Benoit Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Got another car related one in the morning *sent from a green flag recovery van* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Got another car related one in the morning *sent from a green flag recovery van* put the wrong type of fuel in your car nap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ribble Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 put the wrong type of fuel in your car nap My moneys on the car having a green flag tax disc holder and shake has phoned them when the car broke down, then remembers after she's getting towed by the green flag van for a massive non-member fee that she is actually a member of the AA! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shapes Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Right I'm in the green flag van on the way to the garage... All I'll say is that if you don't put oil in your car for 5 years then the filter corrodes.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergio Garcia Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 STS most recent stupidity backs up one of my many random thoughts that basic car maintenance should be taught either in Schools as a module or even as part of the driving test. I was taught it by my step dad but it seems a lot of youngsters these days (mainly girls I find) don't have a clue on many basic things to do with the car. This thought has been borne out of the frustration of constantly having to go and change my sisters tyre when she was at the same Uni as me along with checking her oil etc as she didn't have a clue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvin Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Right I'm in the green flag van on the way to the garage... All I'll say is that if you don't put oil in your car for 5 years then the filter corrodes.... And dont forget; diesel doesn't go into a petrol engine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gregory House M.D. Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 5 years with no oil or filter change. FIVE WHOLE YEARS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shapes Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 5 years with no oil or filter change. FIVE WHOLE YEARS. Billy Bunter- mechanic of the year Also, I would like to add- I was sensible and as soon as I saw the warning light I stopped and phoned the green flag. I could have continued to drive and it could have ended up worse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Groot Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Aye sensible! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gregory House M.D. Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 She never stopped really Malky. She drove another 2 or 3 miles to a garage near drem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Right I'm in the green flag van on the way to the garage... All I'll say is that if you don't put oil in your car for 5 years then the filter corrodes.... the oil must have been like tar before it ran out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Benoit Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Clare you're a ******* plank Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gregory House M.D. Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 The guy gave her the benefit of the doubt saying "she stays near the seaside so maybe only 4 years" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shapes Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 The guy gave her the benefit of the doubt saying "she stays near the seaside so maybe only 4 years" I wasn't too enamoured with him cracking all the jokes, and the guy today was even worse First he ripped me because I "gave him the wrong address" then wasn't able to tell him where I was, then he ripped me for not knowing the name of the garage, then I said something which could be interpreted as something else and he started pissing himself laughing at me and making creepy jokes the whole way along the bypass Getting a lift in the guys white van last night which had a back bit like a mini bus was quite fun...was like being back at school again going on a trip Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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