Stupidity

[moogsy]

I'm pretty bad for losing things, passports, bank cards, phones, you name it.

 

One particular occasion a year or 2 ago a group of us were visiting a mate working down in Cambridge. We'd been drinking all day in a pretty nice pub before heading back to his. I never even realized I didn't have my phone on me until my mate got a text from whoever had found it saying it was in said pub. Both of us jumped in a taxi and headed back there. Upon entering the the room I was greeted with cheers from a table of mixed guys/relatively attractive girls next to the bar and the barmaid was trying not to laugh as she handed the phone back to me. How embarrassing I thought, they must think I'm a right idiot. It was only as I was on my way out and went to check for texts etc. that I realized the page was open on a rather explicit photo of my manhood (that had been sent to the bird). Whoever found the phone had obviously had a look through the photos before finding it and proceeding to show it round everyone. I could have died of embarrassment. Got the **** out of there as quickly as possible

[Guest C00l K1d]

I mind i went out on a friday night, (my rota was mon-fri at college) woke up on the saturday morning panicking that i had slept in for some reason. Was still half pished, jumped in the shower was rushing about to get ready got halfway to college then i just suddenly realised it was the weekend

 

At least i got a trip to the bakers out of it though

[joe.gausden]

I'm pretty bad for losing things, passports, bank cards, phones, you name it.

 

One particular occasion a year or 2 ago a group of us were visiting a mate working down in Cambridge. We'd been drinking all day in a pretty nice pub before heading back to his. I never even realized I didn't have my phone on me until my mate got a text from whoever had found it saying it was in said pub. Both of us jumped in a taxi and headed back there. Upon entering the the room I was greeted with cheers from a table of mixed guys/relatively attractive girls next to the bar and the barmaid was trying not to laugh as she handed the phone back to me. How embarrassing I thought, they must think I'm a right idiot. It was only as I was on my way out and went to check for texts etc. that I realized the page was open on a rather explicit photo of my manhood (that had been sent to the bird). Whoever found the phone had obviously had a look through the photos before finding it and proceeding to show it round everyone. I could have died of embarrassment. Got the **** out of there as quickly as possible

 

Thommo is that you?

[moogsy]

Thommo is that you?

 

My bird wasnae 12 right

 

[andrew]

I split up with the missus recently and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I decided to take my mates advice and get 'back in the game' so I turned my attention to this nice wee brunette at my work who I knew was interested. I'd arranged to meet her in a bar down in Stockbridge and I'm buzzing about the prospect of meeting up with her.

 

I arrived at the bar 30 mins early (I was paranoid about being late) and realised I was bricking it, my hands were shaking - it was the first date I'd been on since I was 16 (I'm now 28). I think to myself 'a little dutch courage will sort me out' so I proceed to neck 3 bottles of peroni before she even shows up. Having 'enjoyed' my few months of freedom since my ex by boozing hard 3-4 times a week I'd noticed I was starting to get a little bit of a beer belly so decided to start drink wine instead - what a perfect night to start, I'll look a bit more sophisticated as I usually just drink pints. I should say at this point I NEVER drink wine, I've only ever had the occasional glass at one sitting.

 

So this girl (who had turned up looking gorgeous) looks suitably impressed as I come back from the bar with a bottle of wine accompanied with a nice ice bucket and a couple of glasses. Now, having served my drinking apprenticeship on the pints, I am unaware that when consuming wine, it's not generally a good idea to drink at the same pace. I was starting to wonder why she gave me a funny look as I returned back from the bar not that far into the night with the third bottle of wine... You can probably see where this is heading, fast forward another few of cocktails (the last of which I knocked all over my lap) and I'm properly hammered.

 

We managed to get a taxi outside and the driver was properly hammering it along the winding back streets and a start to feel a little queasy....despite her assurances that I'd be ok I bailed from the taxi and walk off down the street telling her not to come after me in case I was sick (I didn't want her to witness that). It gets a bit blurry from here but I remember her calling me 15 mins later saying she was lost (she's not from Edinburgh) and she eventually finds me down the street slumped in a bus shelter. What a first impression! Apparently, we found another taxi, I announced that I was coming back to her place, and when it pulled up outside her flat and she paid the driver I said I'd changed my mind, shut the door behind her and got the taxi back to my flat.

 

I woke up the next morning an hour late for work with my cats scratching the bedroom door wanting fed. For about 45 seconds I lay there wondering why I was so rough and what had happened last night until it all came flooding back...I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed!! I'm left with two options, forget it ever happened and never speak to her again or man up, apologise and get over it straight away. Thankfully I chose the second option, took her out for lunch that day, took the slagging and it's a running joke between us now. Despite calling her the wrong name on our next date (wft is wrong with me?!) I eventually 'sealed the deal' and things have been good ever since!

 

[cosanostra]

I split up with the missus recently and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I decided to take my mates advice and get 'back in the game' so I turned my attention to this nice wee brunette at my work who I knew was interested. I'd arranged to meet her in a bar down in Stockbridge and I'm buzzing about the prospect of meeting up with her.

 

I arrived at the bar 30 mins early (I was paranoid about being late) and realised I was bricking it, my hands were shaking - it was the first date I'd been on since I was 16 (I'm now 28). I think to myself 'a little dutch courage will sort me out' so I proceed to neck 3 bottles of peroni before she even shows up. Having 'enjoyed' my few months of freedom since my ex by boozing hard 3-4 times a week I'd noticed I was starting to get a little bit of a beer belly so decided to start drink wine instead - what a perfect night to start, I'll look a bit more sophisticated as I usually just drink pints. I should say at this point I NEVER drink wine, I've only ever had the occasional glass at one sitting.

 

So this girl (who had turned up looking gorgeous) looks suitably impressed as I come back from the bar with a bottle of wine accompanied with a nice ice bucket and a couple of glasses. Now, having served my drinking apprenticeship on the pints, I am unaware that when consuming wine, it's not generally a good idea to drink at the same pace. I was starting to wonder why she gave me a funny look as I returned back from the bar not that far into the night with the third bottle of wine... You can probably see where this is heading, fast forward another few of cocktails (the last of which I knocked all over my lap) and I'm properly hammered.

 

We managed to get a taxi outside and the driver was properly hammering it along the winding back streets and a start to feel a little queasy....despite her assurances that I'd be ok I bailed from the taxi and walk off down the street telling her not to come after me in case I was sick (I didn't want her to witness that). It gets a bit blurry from here but I remember her calling me 15 mins later saying she was lost (she's not from Edinburgh) and she eventually finds me down the street slumped in a bus shelter. What a first impression! Apparently, we found another taxi, I announced that I was coming back to her place, and when it pulled up outside her flat and she paid the driver I said I'd changed my mind, shut the door behind her and got the taxi back to my flat.

 

I woke up the next morning an hour late for work with my cats scratching the bedroom door wanting fed. For about 45 seconds I lay there wondering why I was so rough and what had happened last night until it all came flooding back...I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed!! I'm left with two options, forget it ever happened and never speak to her again or man up, apologise and get over it straight away. Thankfully I chose the second option, took her out for lunch that day, took the slagging and it's a running joke between us now. Despite calling her the wrong name on our next date (wft is wrong with me?!) I eventually 'sealed the deal' and things have been good ever since!

 

 

You can't keep a playa down.

 

Well in son.

[Marvin]

A good few years ago, I came back from the pub steaming.

 

I had the munchies so after raking through the fridge and freezer to see what I could have, I decided I would fry a couple of burgers as it would take less time than grilling them.

 

After about 5 minutes of frying them, there was a honking smell in the kitchen and I couldn't work out what it was.

 

I only then realised that I had used lime cordial, rather than vegetable oil, to fry the burgers when it starting foaming in the frying pan. The house was stinking for days and the missus wasn't amused. The burgers were fine though.

 

Another time, I was making sunday dinner. I put the brussel sprouts on to start cooking them and then left for about 2-3 minutes to allow the water to start boiling. Problem was that I forgot to put the water in the pot. Again, the house was stinking for days and I burnt the @rse out the pot.

 

I decided years ago to cook some chips for myself in the oven but fell asleep (way too much drink) and woke up to the flat full of smoke and the smoke alarm going off. The misses when she got home from her works night out was quite pissed off. Especially when we had to spend money we didn't exactly have redecorating after the smoke damage.

[fabienleclerq]

A couple of weeks ago while out on the lash in Fremantle in Australia, I grabbed what I thought was burd's arse and gave it a damn good squeeze and made the comedy "honk, honk" horn noise at heroic volume.

My girlfriends small Indian mate then turned round to face me, looking quite taken aback and said "we'll have none of that thank you very much".

They both had black jackets on, are about the same height and it was dark and they had their backs to me.

I couldn't look the chick in the eye for the rest of the evening.

Not my finest moment.

 

was seeing a bird from work and on a works night out we were in a club, she went out for a fag and i went to the bar.Standing at the bar and a pair of cold hands cover my eyes from behind, im thinking cold hands she must've come back in so i thought id be cheeky and reach under her skirt, the hands come down and i turn round to see another tidy blond from work!!! Didn't complain though..

[jamboinglasgow]

In first year uni, I decided to make pasta with a white sauce. So put everything in but at the end that bottom of the pan had burnt, so one of my flatmates says to me that Fanta is quite good at getting burn marks out of a pan. So I got some fanta, put it in and switched the cooker on. I leave it for some minutes to come back and find it had completely destroyed the bottom of the pan, the Fanta had turned into some solid back mess and I had to through it out. What I had done was try to boil Fanta. Not my best moment.

[Marvin]

 

was seeing a bird from work and on a works night out we were in a club, she went out for a fag and i went to the bar.Standing at the bar and a pair of cold hands cover my eyes from behind, im thinking cold hands she must've come back in so i thought id be cheeky and reach under her skirt, the hands come down and i turn round to see another tidy blond from work!!! Didn't complain though..

 

Thats not stupid thats fecking lucky Try getting so pissed that when getting chatted by a sexy girl and you are defo in there yet you make a total ****** of yourself that you've blown it within 5 minutes of being chatted up

[fabienleclerq]

Thats not stupid thats fecking lucky Try getting so pissed that when getting chatted by a sexy girl and you are defo in there yet you make a total ****** of yourself that you've blown it within 5 minutes of being chatted up

Crapped myself when i turned round!!

 

Feel free to elaborate on your story though

[Gizmo]

Alright I'll share one. And I do appear to live in a badly written sitcom as the comedic relief so tons of stupid things seems to happen to me.

 

I was not long working in a lawyers office, totally wet behind the ears. One of my tasks as a newbie was to feed the parking meters of the bosses. Now even back then you could get a ticket for "meter feeding" - ie you weren't really meant to stay more than 2 hours in any one parking bay. If you didn't get caught by a warden they tended back then to turn a blind eye to it.

 

Anyway, just as I was feeding the meter next to the main bosses car, a warden came along and said I was gonna get a ticket. A bit of "i'll lose my job gimme a break chat" seemed to work on him as he let me off and told me to make sure none of them saw me feeding the meter as they were under new orders to clamp down on it.

 

So I nash back to the office and, being young and a tad pretentious I liked to demonstrate my decent education with what I thought at the time was a more expansive vocabulary. And, of course, the office was rammed full of bursds.

 

So in I stroll, all full of myself and loudly announce to all the burds: "Aye, that warden was going to ticket the bosses beemer but I managed to menstruate with him and he let me off"!

 

Cue this x10

 

I hid in the bogs for the next hour with a huge red pus. Worse was I couldn't even remember the word I had meant to use. Years later all the embarassment came rushing back to me when I finally realised I had meant to say "remonstrate".

[Marvin]

Crapped myself when i turned round!!

 

Feel free to elaborate on your story though

 

No probs.

 

 

Xmas eve back when I was living in Livingston. I went to mates just for a few cans and he pulled out the Sambuca. After we done the bottle in, we headed up to Club Earth*. Once inside we got up more beers. This cutie and her mate came up to chat to me. I recall her mate leaving us to it as she had though that the girl had pulled.

A bit later my mate caught up with me and inquired as to where the cutie was (he thought I was 'in there" and left us to it). I couldn't answer, all I know is, I think I said something stupid and she went back to her pals. Didn't see her after that. To top it all I got kicked out the club because at the Sambuca promo inside, I had several more, collapsed and was subsequently asked to leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I'd like it to be known it wasn't a regular haunt of mine. Even when I was in my mid twenties I felt old in there.

[scott herbertson]

On the train theme, I used to work in Glasgow and lived in Edinburgh and got the train there and back every day.

 

One day I decided to go for a few pints with my workmates, anyway a few turned into quite a few and I decided that to make sure I didn't miss the last train and be stuck all night in the Weedge I would go for the second last train thinking that if I missed it I could get the last one.

 

Made it in time for the second last one and got myself a coffee and sandwich and sat down, put my monthly rail card on the table and closed my eyes thinking how bad the hangover was going to be the next day.

 

Anyway opened my eyes, had a look outside and we were still in Queen Street, had a wee drink of my coffee and thought "those b'tards have given me a stone cold coffee" I was seething!

 

Looked outside and the big station clock caught my eye. It was after midnight, I had been to Edinburgh and back!

 

On the same theme , way back in 1973 when I was 17 my mate whose mum was a teacher got a job in the south of France as a teaching assistant. Got pissed with him when he was leaving and when his bus drew out (he was going cheap) he was greeting and holding a box of 24 cans of McEwans

 

A couple of months later and he was back and told me the tale. he remembers little of the journey except somehow he managed to get on the London to Paris train with his luggage - he was due to change there for Narbonne

 

He woke up lying on a floor under a seat in utter pitch darkness - no light whatsoever. He felt about and he was i a train, with a huge hangover. He crawled about the place and was shouting for help. Eventually he found a door and managed to wrench it open and squeeze out. He wandered around alling over in the dark when suddenly a huge door opened and men with flashlights shouting in French found him.

 

He was in a railway siding in Paris and had to try to explain to them how he wasn't some alkie vagrant. His luggage had been found and despatched to lost property and it took him a whole day to get in back.

 

 

 

I ended up in some nightclub till about 4am then sat in George Square like a jakey till the first train home.

 

Fast forward a week and the same scenario, pints with the boys, only this time I would just get the last train home at 11pm.

 

All was good but I fell asleep on said train and ended up somewhere down Abbeyhill way as the train was heading to some yard for cleaning.

 

My sleep was interrupted by a somewhat worried guard who explained that he could lose his job for not checking the train was empty.

 

I did the honourable thing and agreed to get off the train before the depot, luckily the fact I was 2 sheets to the wind softened the blow when I jumped out the train. It's a feckin long way down when there's no a platform!!

 

I've never fallen asleep on a train since.

[Stuart Lyon]

Ah the Glasgow to Edinburgh train! I too used to work in Glasgow many years ago and travelled through every day. After I got acquainted with some of the local guys on the project we would have a few drinks after work. I would then get the 7 pm train home and on one or two occasions I would get off at Waverley nearer 10 pm! Once I even got on a bus home from the Waverley at about 8 pm to be asked by the driver at 10pm where did I want to get off the bus.

 

More recently I, being used to the taxi taking me home from my local being outside the front door of the pub, responded to one of the bar staff saying that's your cab. I went out the usual door, opened the car door and sat down. I noticed the cab driver was female but hey ho I had been driven home by a female taxi driver before. As I started to put on my seat belt she said to me " are you one of my husband's pals that I am taking home" no I said are you not a a cab driver and just as she said no her husband opened the passenger door and said what's going on here?. Luckily they both saw the funny side and I got out to wait on the real cab.

[Jambo_Jarman]

Probably couldn't tell my story cos of forum rules. Let's just say it involved Ibiza, ill-advised exaggeration of knowledge and history, a miscommunication, bouncing off the walls and talking at the speed of light for ten hours, before apologising to the poor lassie and reimbursing her loss. She forgave me for the reason it was worth it to witness the state I was in.

[redm]

Too many acts of stupidity to mention unfortunately but there's one that will probably never ever stop making me cringe my arse off every time I think of it... It's not really a funny one, more a deep and traumatic humiliation but anyhow....

 

I started a new job about 3 odd years ago and being in a completely new industry felt really overwhelming. There were just so many subject areas I didn't understand all that well and it was a steep learning curve but being new and all I was enthusiastic and set about learning as much stuff as I could. One of those subject areas concerns wildlife and birds in particular, something I knew absolutely nothing about....and much to my horror in my first month on the job my boss insisted that I attend a conference during which I'd have to be present on our exhibition stand to answer questions. I didn't feel ready for that at all, I knew very little and wasn't confident in the slightest that I wouldn't just come across like a daft chump. However, I went along and there I was on that daft stand, nervous as hell, hoping and praying that if I just fixed an aloof and unapproachable expression on my face that people wouldn't want to talk to me anyway.

 

But they did. And for the first few hours everything went fine. Nothing too bad happened, the questions were okay and I started to feel a wee bit pleased that I was coping so well. Then this guy comes stomping over, all tweed jacket, white beard and angry red face. He's not pleased with various things, all of which he sets out in great detail, and he has particular problems with some survey results concerning a specific bird. He's seriously unhappy. He clearly has a short fuse and I'm bricking it. God knows how I did it but I managed to listen and then answer some concerns etc. The chat got quite technical and I didn't fall apart, he was literally a different person by the time he left...no snarling, he'd just gone kind of quietly pensive. I was well chuffed with myself, couldn't believe it had worked out so well. I told another colleague (who was a bit of a snooty cow) about my experience and she even smiled all encouragingly and nodded and everything. Great.

 

My boss returns from a seminar and I can barely contain my excitement as I babble away about what had happened and how well it had gone and how I wasn't half as worried as I had been and how I was enjoying myself and how I liked this stuff and how I wanted to do the next one and how I even managed to discuss specifics about these diver bird things! Then he looks kind of shocked and goes really flushed and does this nervous laugh.... "redm...you do know that it's the red throated diver....not the...er...deep throated.....?"

 

 

No wonder the old guy went quiet.

 

Needless to say I was beyond mortified, just about melted in shame right there and then.... and it still crops up in 'remember when...' conversations from time to time. My cringe today is every bit as crippling as it was the day it happened. I just call them red divers these days, much safer.

[Ulysses]

I just call them red divers these days, much safer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[jambobroch]

When I get up a nearly always go outside with my coffee and have a smoke (weather permitting). I also have an old mug that I use as an ash tray on the rare occasions that I smoke indoors. The other day I was hungover and had a nice outdoor coffee. Was halfway finished before I noticed the taste of ash in my cuppa.

[A Boy Named Crow]

I was leaving the house one day to head to the office in Crieff with my laptop, I normally just stick my laptop in the footwell of the back seat, but because I was stopping for diesel on the way there, I decided to put the laptop in the boot this time for safety, however I opened the back door first (and left it open for some reason) before thinking about it and then putting it into the boot. I shut the boot and then proceeded to jump into the back seat behind the drivers seat in the car, with the car keys in my hand, and shut the door

 

It was one of those moments where you realise what you've done, and you instantly look around to see if there's any curtain twitchers sitting there pishing themselves laughing at you, I rather sheepishly got out the back of the car and into the front and drove away feeling like a prize ******!

 

That is the funniest thing I've read in ages - guttng myself!!!

[Marvin]

I went into work 5 hours early on Wednesday. Didn't check the rota so I went in at one instead of two.

 

Fud.

 

I went into work once for a 6am start. I was scheduled to start at 1pm. I never checked the rota and it was a monday morning, and I was always on a 6am start - except for that occasion.

[Marvin]

Too many acts of stupidity to mention unfortunately but there's one that will probably never ever stop making me cringe my arse off every time I think of it... It's not really a funny one, more a deep and traumatic humiliation but anyhow....

 

I started a new job about 3 odd years ago and being in a completely new industry felt really overwhelming. There were just so many subject areas I didn't understand all that well and it was a steep learning curve but being new and all I was enthusiastic and set about learning as much stuff as I could. One of those subject areas concerns wildlife and birds in particular, something I knew absolutely nothing about....and much to my horror in my first month on the job my boss insisted that I attend a conference during which I'd have to be present on our exhibition stand to answer questions. I didn't feel ready for that at all, I knew very little and wasn't confident in the slightest that I wouldn't just come across like a daft chump. However, I went along and there I was on that daft stand, nervous as hell, hoping and praying that if I just fixed an aloof and unapproachable expression on my face that people wouldn't want to talk to me anyway.

 

But they did. And for the first few hours everything went fine. Nothing too bad happened, the questions were okay and I started to feel a wee bit pleased that I was coping so well. Then this guy comes stomping over, all tweed jacket, white beard and angry red face. He's not pleased with various things, all of which he sets out in great detail, and he has particular problems with some survey results concerning a specific bird. He's seriously unhappy. He clearly has a short fuse and I'm bricking it. God knows how I did it but I managed to listen and then answer some concerns etc. The chat got quite technical and I didn't fall apart, he was literally a different person by the time he left...no snarling, he'd just gone kind of quietly pensive. I was well chuffed with myself, couldn't believe it had worked out so well. I told another colleague (who was a bit of a snooty cow) about my experience and she even smiled all encouragingly and nodded and everything. Great.

 

My boss returns from a seminar and I can barely contain my excitement as I babble away about what had happened and how well it had gone and how I wasn't half as worried as I had been and how I was enjoying myself and how I liked this stuff and how I wanted to do the next one and how I even managed to discuss specifics about these diver bird things! Then he looks kind of shocked and goes really flushed and does this nervous laugh.... "redm...you do know that it's the red throated diver....not the...er...deep throated.....?"

 

 

No wonder the old guy went quiet.

 

Needless to say I was beyond mortified, just about melted in shame right there and then.... and it still crops up in 'remember when...' conversations from time to time. My cringe today is every bit as crippling as it was the day it happened. I just call them red divers these days, much safer.

 

Brilliant story redm

[Gorgiewave]

On several occasions I have missed buses or trains having arrived in plenty of time.

 

The worst case was once I was in M?laga and I'd gone to meet a Spanish couple I had met in Edinburgh. She lived in M?laga and he lived in Madrid and he'd come down to see her. I was living Marbella and went to have lunch and spend the afternoon. We said our goodbyes and I waited at the bus station for the bus back to Marbella. Several buses came and went, but not one said "Marbella" on the destination so I stayed put. After I'd been there for a good hour, I eventually phoned Fran, who was fairly clearly settling down for an evening of shagtastic company with his rather attractive bursd. He had to come and take me to a hostel for the night. It turned out the final destination was Estepona, not Marbella.

[Pasha]

Here in Thailand its quite easy to get a bit of a "dodgy" stomach, without actually realising you have a "dodgy" stomach.

Im sitting at work on my own, other staff are due to arrive at lunchtime.

I feel a big fart needing released. I think to myself "go for it, you're on your own".

It was one of those ones that u are well proud of. Both noise and smell.

The same thing happens about 20 seconds later.

Another 20 seconds later, and i think i can squeeze 1 more out..

 

Oh how wrong i was........

 

Had to sit there at work for an hour and a half waiting for my staff to arrive, then make up some excuse for having to "pop home"

[Gizmo]

Too many acts of stupidity to mention unfortunately but there's one that will probably never ever stop making me cringe my arse off every time I think of it... It's not really a funny one, more a deep and traumatic humiliation but anyhow....

 

I started a new job about 3 odd years ago and being in a completely new industry felt really overwhelming. There were just so many subject areas I didn't understand all that well and it was a steep learning curve but being new and all I was enthusiastic and set about learning as much stuff as I could. One of those subject areas concerns wildlife and birds in particular, something I knew absolutely nothing about....and much to my horror in my first month on the job my boss insisted that I attend a conference during which I'd have to be present on our exhibition stand to answer questions. I didn't feel ready for that at all, I knew very little and wasn't confident in the slightest that I wouldn't just come across like a daft chump. However, I went along and there I was on that daft stand, nervous as hell, hoping and praying that if I just fixed an aloof and unapproachable expression on my face that people wouldn't want to talk to me anyway.

 

But they did. And for the first few hours everything went fine. Nothing too bad happened, the questions were okay and I started to feel a wee bit pleased that I was coping so well. Then this guy comes stomping over, all tweed jacket, white beard and angry red face. He's not pleased with various things, all of which he sets out in great detail, and he has particular problems with some survey results concerning a specific bird. He's seriously unhappy. He clearly has a short fuse and I'm bricking it. God knows how I did it but I managed to listen and then answer some concerns etc. The chat got quite technical and I didn't fall apart, he was literally a different person by the time he left...no snarling, he'd just gone kind of quietly pensive. I was well chuffed with myself, couldn't believe it had worked out so well. I told another colleague (who was a bit of a snooty cow) about my experience and she even smiled all encouragingly and nodded and everything. Great.

 

My boss returns from a seminar and I can barely contain my excitement as I babble away about what had happened and how well it had gone and how I wasn't half as worried as I had been and how I was enjoying myself and how I liked this stuff and how I wanted to do the next one and how I even managed to discuss specifics about these diver bird things! Then he looks kind of shocked and goes really flushed and does this nervous laugh.... "redm...you do know that it's the red throated diver....not the...er...deep throated.....?"

 

 

No wonder the old guy went quiet.

 

Needless to say I was beyond mortified, just about melted in shame right there and then.... and it still crops up in 'remember when...' conversations from time to time. My cringe today is every bit as crippling as it was the day it happened. I just call them red divers these days, much safer.

 

Bridget is that you?

[¼½¾]

In the early eighties when CD's first went on sale, one of my sisters bought one while on a shopping trip to Carlisle. On the train back home she opened it and tried to fit the disc in to her cassette walkman. She didn't have a CD player at home as they were very expensive then, so she didn't get to listen to it for quite a few years.

[HMFC4ME]

When I was younger me & a mate climbed onto the roof of the local shops, there were loads of empty glass bottles up there so as troublemaking kids we started smashing them.

I thought it would be a good idea to climb onto a higher platform with the idea of jumping off the platform while smashing the bottles against one another at the same time. So I got up on the platform, bottles in hand and then I jumped, smashed the bottles then landed, lost my footing, fell backwards sat on a shard of glass - still have a scar to this day.

 

took me years to tell my mum the truth, I told her I fell in the park

 

 

Another time being a little sh!^e I was in my room and sprayed half a can of lynx into an empty volvic bottle then holding the open end of the bottle I lit it, flames shot out the opening like a rocket and I scorched all up my hand. On the plus side the room didnt smell so bad haha

[Jezza]

Oh aye, a couple of months ago I had a training course on web updating in David Hume tower, so I check the email of where to go and time etc.

 

Got to the place, there was no porters at the front so when right to the room. Went in, loads of important looking gadgies with laptops briefcases etc, I sit down with my pen and note pad. Two minutes in I have no idea what the hell they are going on about with statistics etc, check my email again only to realize my course was the next again week and this was a board meeting. Sat there for another ten in panic they were going to ask me some info, stayed quiet, slyly put the pen and paper and coat and done a bolt.

 

[Hansel]

There used to be an old barn in Oxgangs where Tesco currently stands. We used to call it the haunted house.

 

One day, me and my mate decided to start throwing the tiles that had fallen from the roof at each other, for fun.

 

As I bent down to pick 1 up, the 1 my mate had thrown cracked into the back of my head and split my head open.

 

I has the hearts away candy stripes top on at the time

 

Let's just say blood does show on a maroon and white away top.

[The Future's Maroon]

An ex missus of mine thought it would be possible to boil an egg in the microwave...its not, microwave door blew off and exploded egg ALL over the kithen including the ceiling...was honking for days.

 

On way home from a club, couldnt get a taxi, got to where the Balmoral/garage is on Dalry Rd and me and my mate thought it would be handy to jumo on the the footrest of a delivery lorry which was just pulling out to head towards Gorgie...so us, happy as larry decided when we realise its going along Gorgie Rd at Ardmillan that we need to get off as we need to head up towards Slateford...for some reason I didnt think that 'stepping off' an approx 20-30mph moving vehicle could be dangerous...that is until my foot touched the road and I went flying, the cuts and grazes all over my body really hurt in the shower the following morning. What was worse is that right after I had done it, my mate was creasing himself with laughter...then he done the very same thing!

 

Total roasters!!

[Gembon]

I once nearly set my microwave on fire making a smoothie.

 

I was attempting to make a chocolate smoothie. Only had time outs. Stuck it in the microwave to melt it, forgetting it has wafer in it. Smoke starts coming out the microwave.

 

In short, I'm a moron

[HampdenHearts]

Being sick in a bursds face when I was mid thrusting... After a bottle of aftershock to be fair!

 

I have ladders on top of my van at work, well I was using them on a job and put them back on my van once finished and forgot to put the clamps back on to keep them in place... Drove away, got on the bypass and WHOOOSH i heard and saw them fly away, luckily never hit a car! Looked like a right fud scurrying along the hard shoulder to get them!

[The Future's Maroon]

Another couple just came to mind...

 

 

When a young lad...maybe about 12, I had a dartboard in my room and for some strange reason asked my little Sister(7) to stand under it with a cuddly toy on her head and I said "watch this, I'll stick the toy to the dartboard"....a few seconds later there is a load of screaming as my sister is running about the house with a dart sticking out the top of her head, and my Dad chasing me about the house to kick my arse...

 

Not as much of a funny story....but in revenge for this stupid act, a few years later while having a party at home with all the mates. As my parents were just coming in the path from a night out themselves, my Sister thought it would be funny to get a saucer plate and sprinkle a couple of Oxo cubes on it and leave it on the litchen bunker and tell my parents that me and the mates had been smoking 'funny' stuff in the house all night! I dont know whats worse, the boot up the arse I got from my Dad, the p1sstake from my mates or the fact my parents believed the Oxo cubes were infact illegal substances

 

When I was an apprentice Glazier, we were working at Edin Zoo one Sat morning....I was 'directing' the driver back into a narrow raod so he could park the van out the way, me (still half peshed from night before) was ushering him back "keep going, keep going" when a few hot chicks caight my eye...I had to stop eyeing them up when I heard the noise of a van being crunched in a wall and destroying the back door of the van (the driver couldnt see this daft wee wall)!!

[BigC]

One of the birds at work caused a full evacuation when she put a tortilla wrap in the microwave for 4 minutes because she didn't know how long it would take to heat up (the correct time is about 15 seconds).

[Jezza]

Playing the PS3 for the first time in ages just now, took the HDMI out and stuck it in the back of the PS3.

 

No signal.

 

Reset PS3

 

No signal

 

Fannied about in the back of the PS3

 

No signal

 

Sat there scratching my nuts for ten mins, about to google it when I realise that I had taken the HDMI out the TV instead of the virgin box and had the PS3 connected to that.

 

[Del1812]

Once poured milk into a cereal bowl... with no cereal in it.

 

Fell asleep on the N22 numerous times and ended up at the airport. One time the driver woke me up and asked where I was going, he looked genuinely surprised when I said "Broomhouse".

 

Another time I had to get off at the bus stop directly after leaving the airport because I had to be sick. That was a long, cold walk home.

 

One time I got on a normal 22 at Fountainbridge, fell asleep shortly after and was manhandled off the bus at Lothian Road by the transport police. I couldn't have been more confused, if they'd just woke me up I would have happily got off and went home, it's where I was wanting to go anyway.

 

Then there's the time I fell asleep on the N26, woke up and quickly got off the bus, crossed the road and waited at the same bus stop I had gotten on in the first place.

 

See my flatmate posted on this thread, can't believe he didn't mention the time he fell asleep on the N26, woke up in Musselburgh and pissed on the top deck of the bus because he didn't want to get off, because he didn't know where he was.

[The Future's Maroon]

I think you need to lay off the booze ForresterJambo...seems to be a trend in all your incidents (falling asleep)!

[tommythejambo]

I was in Musselburgh once, fell asleep on the 26 and woke up staring at a giant penguin. The sign for the zoo. Was only going to Porty.

[Del1812]

I think you need to lay off the booze ForresterJambo...seems to be a trend in all your incidents (falling asleep)!

 

I definitely need to lay off the booze, but sleeping is the least of my worries. Death is a light relief compared with what my recent hangovers have been like.

 

The other day I was at the bus stop after work, reading a book. I glanced up to see the 22 coming. I immediately went back to my book and continued reading as I stepped onto the bus and found myself a seat at the back. After about ten minutes I became aware that the scenery out of the window wasn't what I was used to seeing on the trip home from work. I was in fact flying down Dalry and heading up Ardmillan Terrace. I quickly jumped off the bus, looking on in confusion as the 44 I had been seated on continued up the road. This was quite late in the evening and I needed to sprint to Sainburys before the last 22 went past and I was left without enough money to get me home.

[Konrad von Carstein]

See my Cleaning Tips thread

[Gembon]

I definitely need to lay off the booze, but sleeping is the least of my worries. Death is a light relief compared with what my recent hangovers have been like.

 

The other day I was at the bus stop after work, reading a book. I glanced up to see the 22 coming. I immediately went back to my book and continued reading as I stepped onto the bus and found myself a seat at the back. After about ten minutes I became aware that the scenery out of the window wasn't what I was used to seeing on the trip home from work. I was in fact flying down Dalry and heading up Ardmillan Terrace. I quickly jumped off the bus, looking on in confusion as the 44 I had been seated on continued up the road. This was quite late in the evening and I needed to sprint to Sainburys before the last 22 went past and I was left without enough money to get me home.

 

Similar thing happened to me. Was too busy looking at my phone and stepped on the wrong bus. Ended up in a scheme in Hamilton. The neddiest girl in the world and a creepy looking old man (I swear he only had one eye) helped me get back.

[Jezza]

Similar thing happened to me. Was too busy looking at my phone and stepped on the wrong bus. Ended up in a scheme in Hamilton. The neddiest girl in the world and a creepy looking old man (I swear he only had one eye) helped me get back.

 

 

And you stupidly let them help you

[Dandyman]

Was asked to dog sit for my cousin a good few years back

 

so went to there flat and was sitting in the the living room thinking where the feck is the dog, looking about a noticed some pictures and started to think who the feck are these people, realising I was sitting in the wrong flat I made a quick exit only to notice about 30 mins later that I had left my phone on the couch lol when I went back the door was locked so had to knock, some young guy came to the door, I had to ask him for my phone, to which he replied why the feck would your phone be in my house. Explained that I was asked to dog sit for my cousin and all the blocks of flats looked the same.

[Chris Benoit]

Was asked to dog sit for my cousin a good few years back

 

so went to there flat and was sitting in the the living room thinking where the feck is the dog, looking about a noticed some pictures and started to think who the feck are these people, realising I was sitting in the wrong flat I made a quick exit only to notice about 30 mins later that I had left my phone on the couch lol when I went back the door was locked so had to knock, some young guy came to the door, I had to ask him for my phone, to which he replied why the feck would your phone be in my house. Explained that I was asked to dog sit for my cousin and all the blocks of flats looked the same.

 

 

That's a ******* belter

[Chewie]

Was out for my run this morning, and as I left the flat I realised it was pretty windy. Begin my run an go about 1k before turning a corner into a long straight running into the wind. Begin to pick up a bit of pace, considering the conditions and feel a bit of a sticky feeling in my throat. Hark up a big grogger and thinking nothing of it spit it over my shoulder. Except I didn't spit it over my shoulder. This rank yellow grogger made it about 1cm out of my mouth before spattering all over my face, right up to my eyebrow.

 

[269miles]

An ex missus of mine thought it would be possible to boil an egg in the microwave...its not, microwave door blew off and exploded egg ALL over the kithen including the ceiling...was honking for days.

 

On way home from a club, couldnt get a taxi, got to where the Balmoral/garage is on Dalry Rd and me and my mate thought it would be handy to jumo on the the footrest of a delivery lorry which was just pulling out to head towards Gorgie...so us, happy as larry decided when we realise its going along Gorgie Rd at Ardmillan that we need to get off as we need to head up towards Slateford...for some reason I didnt think that 'stepping off' an approx 20-30mph moving vehicle could be dangerous...that is until my foot touched the road and I went flying, the cuts and grazes all over my body really hurt in the shower the following morning. What was worse is that right after I had done it, my mate was creasing himself with laughter...then he done the very same thing!

 

Total roasters!!

 

LOL.

 

Reminds me of the time my missus blew up a pressure cooker. I thought a bomb had gone off. Totally wrecked the kitchen.

[269miles]

Once I looked after a neighbours dog and while I was taking it for a walk I stoppped to tie my shoe lace by which time the dog had wandered off. It's an old dog so I thought I wouldn't have any problem catching it but the bloody thing had disappeared down a lane into a housing estate and I couldn't find it anywhere.

 

I went back home and got the car and spent most of the morning driving around town trying to find him but no joy. I called the council dog warden (nothing to report here) and then the local dog homes (nothing there either).

 

By now I'm getting worried as neighbour is due back but my wife decides to have one last drive and notices an old guy standing having a fag with what looks like the neighbours dog - which it was. The old guy was pretty grumpy and said he thought no one was ever coming to fetch the damn thing - missus didn't know what he meant at the time but took the dog away anyway.

 

So I am feeling mightily revieved that the dog is OK and having been spared any embarrassment. get the dog back home and lock it up not long before neighbour returms home.

 

Then it all went pear shaped. Neighbour turns up at my front door fuming and asking what I'd done to his dog - so I had to tell him the whole story even tho I couldn't figure out how he knew. Thankfully he saw the funny side.

Turns out the dog has the neighbours phone number stamped on a tag on its collar. The grumpy old git who found the dog had been leaving message after message on my neighbours phone , each one becoming more irate with every passing hour. Eventually he lost the plot and screamed "Do you want this ****ing dog or not ?" in the VM - my neighbour let me hear it. Funny now. But not at the time.

[skinnybob72]

An ex missus of mine thought it would be possible to boil an egg in the microwave...its not, microwave door blew off and exploded egg ALL over the kithen including the ceiling...was honking for days.

 

On way home from a club, couldnt get a taxi, got to where the Balmoral/garage is on Dalry Rd and me and my mate thought it would be handy to jumo on the the footrest of a delivery lorry which was just pulling out to head towards Gorgie...so us, happy as larry decided when we realise its going along Gorgie Rd at Ardmillan that we need to get off as we need to head up towards Slateford...for some reason I didnt think that 'stepping off' an approx 20-30mph moving vehicle could be dangerous...that is until my foot touched the road and I went flying, the cuts and grazes all over my body really hurt in the shower the following morning. What was worse is that right after I had done it, my mate was creasing himself with laughter...then he done the very same thing!

 

Total roasters!!

 

Reminds me of similar thing that happened to a mate. We were outside Greyfriars Bobby at the end of Chambers Street at the end of the night and one of those street cleaning lorries came along sweeping the gutter. There were a couple of boys hanging on the back and my mate thought it looked a good laugh and jumped on. The others boys jumped off and I think that the driver must have seen them and decided there were no-one there any more. My mate was last seen hanging on as it sped off down Chambers Street. It must have got a good run of the traffic lights because he was somewhere down Leith Walk before it stopped so he could get off.

[Captain Price]

When at School we used to go along to the shops for lunch. The walk was about half a mile so didn't take too long. Coming back, my friends and I would jump on the back of a bus and hang on and get a ride back to school. I was a bit of a show off back then so I decided to do it myself one day. Now the bus I jumped on was the number 16 that goes along the a90 dual carriageway towards Perth after stopping at my school. So after jumping on, I was getting applauded by fellow students. The bus stops one last time before the stop at school. The bus then hurtles past my school at 30mph and I'm shouting and banging on the window. I'm seriously shitting myself incase it doesn't stop again before the dual carriageway. It does thankfully and I walk into class 15 minutes later with my mates in stitches.

[Markie]

Had a couple, asked for two single whiskies at the bar one night because a double was too much!!

 

Then the day after the final, it was getting replayed on tv and I asked if it was live!