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The Great Khali

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The Great Khali

Any funny stories regarding your complete and utter stupidity / lack of common sense, or anything along those lines.

 

The reason I start this thread is because of something that went on in my head today that I still can't believe.

 

I was driving (thats the important word in this tale) home, halfway along the bypass when I suddenly panicked. "I've left my CAR keys at work! Shit"

 

I was about to come off the next exit and make my way back to work and everything.

 

Arsehole.

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Years ago when I was unemployed and claiming benefits I did the occasional bits of cash in hand work to help me get by. Benefit cheat apparently but hey I was young and it was just the occasional bit here and there.

 

Anyway I was signing on down in Leith and got pulled from the queue for a random check as they used to do a few times a day. Fair enough. I was ushered into a side office and sat down. The guy asked the usual questions like "Have you done any paid work recently?" to which of course I replied no. All going fine and then he spotted I had a Hearts badge on my jacket and asked if I had been at the game on Wednesday night, I then heard myself say, "nah, pissed off I couldn't go as I was working"

 

Luckily he was obviously a Hearts fan as he just mumbled that he hadn't heard me say anything and let me go.

 

What an arse, I had to go for a pint to calm down.

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:vrface:

 

i remember once at work when all of a sudden the work phone exchange system went wonky and the incoming calls weren't ringing audibly but were still lighting up on the row of lights on the desk set (lines 1 to 4). my first thought was "ah shit... the phones are goosed". it was only after about 10 mins i realised the calls were still coming through but the ringer just wasn't making a sound. i had ignored about three or four incoming calls.

 

******.

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Missed my train whilst waiting at the platform :facepalm:

 

I was reading the paper and there is (if on time) a train that arrives before my own. This occasion I didn't hear the announcement that the preceding train was going to be late. So reading my paper and not paying attention, I caught a glimpse of what I presumed to be the earlier train. And it wasn't until after it departed that I realised my error.

Thank feck for my work having a flexi time policy laugh.gif

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Years ago when I was unemployed and claiming benefits I did the occasional bits of cash in hand work to help me get by. Benefit cheat apparently but hey I was young and it was just the occasional bit here and there.

 

Anyway I was signing on down in Leith and got pulled from the queue for a random check as they used to do a few times a day. Fair enough. I was ushered into a side office and sat down. The guy asked the usual questions like "Have you done any paid work recently?" to which of course I replied no. All going fine and then he spotted I had a Hearts badge on my jacket and asked if I had been at the game on Wednesday night, I then heard myself say, "nah, pissed off I couldn't go as I was working"

 

Luckily he was obviously a Hearts fan as he just mumbled that he hadn't heard me say anything and let me go.

 

What an arse, I had to go for a pint to calm down.

 

laugh.gif

 

I work for the "Department" and if you said that to me the Tory side of me would have came out and make you sign a shed load of declaration of earnings etc, then again you are a Hearts fan after all so hmmmmmmmmm

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Missed my train whilst waiting at the platform :facepalm:

 

I was reading the paper and there is (if on time) a train that arrives before my own. This occasion I didn't hear the announcement that the preceding train was going to be late. So reading my paper and not paying attention, I caught a glimpse of what I presumed to be the earlier train. And it wasn't until after it departed that I realised my error.

Thank feck for my work having a flexi time policy laugh.gif

Try this...Friend was on the back carriage of the train that i was going to meet, train pulled in and started walking towards the back carriage, doors opened and closed before I made it, making me miss my train. Probably one of the stupidest things ive done.

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The Great Khali

The other day I took my fianc?es engagement ring (yes I got engaged on Saturday) back to the jewellers to get resized.

 

At least that's what I meant to do. Turned up. No ring and the wrong receipt :facepalm:

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The Old Tolbooth

I was leaving the house one day to head to the office in Crieff with my laptop, I normally just stick my laptop in the footwell of the back seat, but because I was stopping for diesel on the way there, I decided to put the laptop in the boot this time for safety, however I opened the back door first (and left it open for some reason) before thinking about it and then putting it into the boot. I shut the boot and then proceeded to jump into the back seat behind the drivers seat in the car, with the car keys in my hand, and shut the door :facepalm:

 

It was one of those moments where you realise what you've done, and you instantly look around to see if there's any curtain twitchers sitting there pishing themselves laughing at you, I rather sheepishly got out the back of the car and into the front and drove away feeling like a prize ******! :wacko:

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Serj Tankian

Years ago when I was unemployed and claiming benefits I did the occasional bits of cash in hand work to help me get by. Benefit cheat apparently but hey I was young and it was just the occasional bit here and there.

 

Anyway I was signing on down in Leith and got pulled from the queue for a random check as they used to do a few times a day. Fair enough. I was ushered into a side office and sat down. The guy asked the usual questions like "Have you done any paid work recently?" to which of course I replied no. All going fine and then he spotted I had a Hearts badge on my jacket and asked if I had been at the game on Wednesday night, I then heard myself say, "nah, pissed off I couldn't go as I was working"

 

Luckily he was obviously a Hearts fan as he just mumbled that he hadn't heard me say anything and let me go.

 

What an arse, I had to go for a pint to calm down.

 

Something similar with me was working out at Bonnyrigg and went to sign on down Leith came out went over to takeaway shop and the guy behind goes "what you doing here you finished at Bonnyrigg " he was the tiler on the job ,by this time the shop had filled up with staff from the dole office. Told him he had me mixed up with someone else but he wasnt having it got a roll and bolted it .

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I was leaving the house one day to head to the office in Crieff with my laptop, I normally just stick my laptop in the footwell of the back seat, but because I was stopping for diesel on the way there, I decided to put the laptop in the boot this time for safety, however I opened the back door first (and left it open for some reason) before thinking about it and then putting it into the boot. I shut the boot and then proceeded to jump into the back seat behind the drivers seat in the car, with the car keys in my hand, and shut the door :facepalm:

 

It was one of those moments where you realise what you've done, and you instantly look around to see if there's any curtain twitchers sitting there pishing themselves laughing at you, I rather sheepishly got out the back of the car and into the front and drove away feeling like a prize ******! :wacko:

 

:lol:

 

You should be on the telly. :lol::thumbsup:

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Bert Le Clos

The other day I took my fianc?es engagement ring (yes I got engaged on Saturday) back to the jewellers to get resized.

 

At least that's what I meant to do. Turned up. No ring and the wrong receipt :facepalm:

 

Congratulations :thumbsup: Although having just been through the same thing, the next few weeks are going to be a fecking nightmare :lol:

 

My dad once told me to go back and lock the convertable car when we were on holiday. It was years ago, when you could still push and pull the lock up and down from the inside to unlock the door. I reached over the windows, and pushed down the lock before realising what I was doing. Cue me turning round to my entire family pishing themselves.

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I'd break it :ninja:

 

:lol:

 

I imagine you telling your stories like Billy Connolly. Struggling through because you can't stop laughing because you know whats coming next. :lol::thumbsup:

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All roads lead to Gorgie

About a year ago I came out of the Gyle shopping centre and pointed the key at what I thought was my own car ( same make, colour) I thought the key battery must be dead and was about to try manually when I noticed the reg. My own motor was three cars along :huh:

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The Great Khali

Congratulations :thumbsup: Although having just been through the same thing, the next few weeks are going to be a fecking nightmare :lol:

 

My dad once told me to go back and lock the convertable car when we were on holiday. It was years ago, when you could still push and pull the lock up and down from the inside to unlock the door. I reached over the windows, and pushed down the lock before realising what I was doing. Cue me turning round to my entire family pishing themselves.

 

Cheers!

 

It's started already though. That ring has some sort of evil power I think.

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Serj Tankian

About a year ago I came out of the Gyle shopping centre and pointed the key at what I thought was my own car ( same make, colour) I thought the key battery must be dead and was about to try manually when I noticed the reg. My own motor was three cars along :huh:

 

Donne the same except put the key into the boot lock and it wouldn't turn then clocked the reggie plate

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Not me but years ago a friends parents went to the chippie at Juniper Green to get fish suppers for us all as a Saturday treat. He waited outside in his very nice red BMW 3 series. Then had the entertainment of watching his wife come out the chip shop and get into the very nice red BMW parked a couple of cars down. Fiddle around with the seatbelt and then say "are you going to fecking sit here all night?" to the baffled driver.

 

By the time she realised and got into the right car he could barely drive as he was pissing himself so much.

 

The same woman once left one of her kids on the underground in London in his buggy.

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Chris Benoit

Try this...Friend was on the back carriage of the train that i was going to meet, train pulled in and started walking towards the back carriage, doors opened and closed before I made it, making me miss my train. Probably one of the stupidest things ive done.

 

 

Way back from the football on the train, wee bit worse for wear and nodded off. Woke up and spotted a tidy burd in a short skirt walk past and get off. Went to turn round and say something to Malky only to spot him on the platform looking in with a shocked look on his face. Half an hour later I'm in Kirkcaldy with a 40 minute wait on a train back to Rosyth :facepalm:

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Not stupidity on my part but on my Bursd.

 

Last summer we booked 4 days camping at Loch tay lodges. The day before we where getting stuff organised for the trip, the daft bint turned round and asked if they take scottish notes!!

 

:cornette:

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All roads lead to Gorgie

Donne the same except put the key into the boot lock and it wouldn't turn then clocked the reggie plate

I think there is something weird going on as certain makes of cars seem to gather in the same proximity in car parks :ermm:

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skinnybob72

I ditched the car one night when I went to the pub - Minders in Causewayside. Next day my mum gave me a lift to retrieve the car and we drove up and down various streets looking for it without success. She started asking questions about the state I was in when it was parked and I had to blindly lie about why we couldn't find it. Eventually found it in Dick Place! I had moved it from a yellow line outside the pub after several beers and I honestly had no idea where it was.

 

Not entirely proud of driving in that state but I was young and stupid at the time.

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A few year back took the daughter to Tynecastle. After the game went to haymarket to get the train back to livi north. Met up with a mate i hadnt seen for a few year so got chatting and when his train turned up i grabbed the daughter and jumped on :facepalm: ended up on the glasgow train via falkirk.

 

Had to pay an extra 15 quid to get hame fae linlithgow.

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My job involves showing people round a health club with a view to them joining and due to the layout of the club, you need to take prospective members onto poolside so that they can see the sauna and steam room, so you need to give them blue show covers to put on.

 

I was touring a couple and we came through the door onto poolside and I stopped and said "I'll just need to get you to put these on..."

 

I tried to pull out a few shoe covers but only one came out, so I handed it to the woman and turned back to get more.

 

When I turned back, she'd only gone and put it on her head! :rofl:

 

The worst bit was, she didn't even realise what she'd done so I had to break it to her in as professional a manner as I could that they were for her feet, whilst her husband was leaning against the wall to stop himself falling over with laughter (making it even harder for me to resist pishing myself with laughter at her).

 

Needless to say she was pretty keen to get out of there at the end of the tour...and needless to say they didn't come back and join!

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My job involves showing people round a health club with a view to them joining and due to the layout of the club, you need to take prospective members onto poolside so that they can see the sauna and steam room, so you need to give them blue show covers to put on.

 

I was touring a couple and we came through the door onto poolside and I stopped and said "I'll just need to get you to put these on..."

 

I tried to pull out a few shoe covers but only one came out, so I handed it to the woman and turned back to get more.

 

When I turned back, she'd only gone and put it on her head! :rofl:

 

The worst bit was, she didn't even realise what she'd done so I had to break it to her in as professional a manner as I could that they were for her feet, whilst her husband was leaning against the wall to stop himself falling over with laughter (making it even harder for me to resist pishing myself with laughter at her).

 

Needless to say she was pretty keen to get out of there at the end of the tour...and needless to say they didn't come back and join!

:lol::lol::lol:

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Ted (Theodore) Logan

My job involves showing people round a health club with a view to them joining and due to the layout of the club, you need to take prospective members onto poolside so that they can see the sauna and steam room, so you need to give them blue show covers to put on.

 

I was touring a couple and we came through the door onto poolside and I stopped and said "I'll just need to get you to put these on..."

 

I tried to pull out a few shoe covers but only one came out, so I handed it to the woman and turned back to get more.

 

When I turned back, she'd only gone and put it on her head! :rofl:

 

The worst bit was, she didn't even realise what she'd done so I had to break it to her in as professional a manner as I could that they were for her feet, whilst her husband was leaning against the wall to stop himself falling over with laughter (making it even harder for me to resist pishing myself with laughter at her).

 

Needless to say she was pretty keen to get out of there at the end of the tour...and needless to say they didn't come back and join!

:lol:

 

I was at my cousins wedding a while back, and we were all sitting round the dinner table waiting on the speeches.

 

There were small gifts round the table for the ladies, and my mum found what she thought was a bonbon sweet, and popped it in her mouth..............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:vrface:

It was a bath bomb, so she started foaming at the mouth :rofl:

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Tommy Wiseau

I was working at the Rank Hovis when the boys told me to go up and see the boss. I knocked on his door. Turned out it was a wind up. "Back to work", my boss said - have a red face after that gaffe. <_<

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It was a bath bomb, so she started foaming at the mouth :rofl:

 

If I'd been there I think I would have had a laughter induced heart attack.

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Ted (Theodore) Logan

If I'd been there I think I would have had a laughter induced heart attack.

I nearly did mate.

 

My mum once got on the A1 on the wrong side of the road. Luckily it was first thing in the morning, so the roads were quiet enough for her to do a 3 point turn. :vrface:

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Tommy Wiseau

:lol:

 

I was at my cousins wedding a while back, and we were all sitting round the dinner table waiting on the speeches.

 

There were small gifts round the table for the ladies, and my mum found what she thought was a bonbon sweet, and popped it in her mouth..............

 

 

:vrface:

It was a bath bomb, so she started foaming at the mouth :rofl:

 

 

 

:rofl:

 

I did similar at a wedding. Went to the toilet in between main course and dessert, arrived back and dessert was there, a cranachan, along with a small jug of cream for the table. I asked around the table if anyone would like cream, and one or two folk said yes, they would have some after me. I start to pour the cream over my dessert and it runs like water... ****ing milk for the coffee brought out early :vrface:

 

Have never lived it down :lol:

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My bursd thought she was getting creepy phone calls to her mobile. She'd answer it and hear nothing. She was going mental trying to figure out who it was. She had blamed a bunch of people and contacted 02 who changed her number which she only gave out to people she trusted.

 

Then she figured out she'd been hitting the fake call button on her phone and shouting at nobody.

 

Cow was making me get up in the morning and walk her to her car. She was terrified of getting murdered.

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It was a bath bomb, so she started foaming at the mouth :rofl:

 

Not quite on the same level of stupidity but I did something similar when someone offered me a Berocca tablet at work for the first time.

 

I asked what it was and they said it was just a vitamin C tablet, so I said thanks and shoved it in my mouth.

 

By the time he started explaining that you were supposed to dissolve it in water it was already coming out my nose.

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I was at work being a bit of a PhD.anny, and took a running jump at my chair, intending to sit down on it as I landed.

 

I missed the chair completely, and barrelled through the other chair, landing on my arse.

 

Fortunately the shop was empty. And my colleague was out.

 

However. The phone rang about 30 seconds later, and it was a guy from security who had seen the whole thing on the CCTV camera, absolutely creasing himself :(

 

Felt like a total moron.

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Guest C00l K1d

Years ago when I was unemployed and claiming benefits I did the occasional bits of cash in hand work to help me get by. Benefit cheat apparently but hey I was young and it was just the occasional bit here and there.

 

Anyway I was signing on down in Leith and got pulled from the queue for a random check as they used to do a few times a day. Fair enough. I was ushered into a side office and sat down. The guy asked the usual questions like "Have you done any paid work recently?" to which of course I replied no. All going fine and then he spotted I had a Hearts badge on my jacket and asked if I had been at the game on Wednesday night, I then heard myself say, "nah, pissed off I couldn't go as I was working"

 

Luckily he was obviously a Hearts fan as he just mumbled that he hadn't heard me say anything and let me go.

 

What an arse, I had to go for a pint to calm down.

Not sure many people will get this except you tazio,

 

I was doing a boxing gig once, and i was there to programme all the lighting cues. All the lights were set up above the ring, i had about 4 movers and pixel lines and shite. Anyway im puzzled as to why it isn't working so i reset the lighting desk umpteen times and that doesnt work. Had to rebuilt an access tower and get someone up with a volt stick to check all the cables to make sure they weren't duds. They turned out to be fine so i sent the riggers round to check all the dmx addresses were right. And then it hit me. I hadn't plugged the fecking DMX line in :facepalm:

 

That's no the first time or the last i've done it either :lol: :lol:

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fabienleclerq

Way back from the football on the train, wee bit worse for wear and nodded off. Woke up and spotted a tidy burd in a short skirt walk past and get off. Went to turn round and say something to Malky only to spot him on the platform looking in with a shocked look on his face. Half an hour later I'm in Kirkcaldy with a 40 minute wait on a train back to Rosyth :facepalm:

Similar, bolted done the stairs at haymarket to catch my train to dalmeny, as it was pulling away with me and two mates on three boys from the ferry ran down the steps so we start giving them vickies till the conductor announces "next stop inverkeithing"!!

 

Bar steward.

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That's no the first time or the last i've done it either :lol: :lol:

 

Thank you for the online admission you'll never work for me :whistling:

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A few year back took the daughter to Tynecastle. After the game went to haymarket to get the train back to livi north. Met up with a mate i hadnt seen for a few year so got chatting and when his train turned up i grabbed the daughter and jumped on :facepalm: ended up on the glasgow train via falkirk.

 

Had to pay an extra 15 quid to get hame fae linlithgow.

The mate wouldn't happen tobe a certain Mr Provan ?

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Speaking of stupid old women at weddings... skip the first 40 seconds then keep your eye on grandma on the right in the red...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgwuWcjsRjs

 

HAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA! what a stupid old bitch!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Actually when she starts greeting it makes me upset. I hate seeing old people cry and she never meant it. Looked a clear drink too. Poor old soul. I want to giver a hug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then some more... ::troll:::'>

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Guest C00l K1d

Thank you for the online admission you'll never work for me :whistling:

:laugh: :laugh:

 

There's another one, tell a potential future employer you're shite at what you do :facepalm::laugh:

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I was working at the Rank Hovis when the boys told me to go up and see the boss. I knocked on his door. Turned out it was a wind up. "Back to work", my boss said - have a red face after that gaffe. <_<

Standing outside the Gyle poorless after reading that :D

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Similar, bolted done the stairs at haymarket to catch my train to dalmeny, as it was pulling away with me and two mates on three boys from the ferry ran down the steps so we start giving them vickies till the conductor announces "next stop inverkeithing"!!

 

Bar steward.

 

Hate the trains. Was trying to get back home to Berwick-upon-Tweed from Waverley.

 

Near Berwick, I stood up, and asked the person sitting next to me if I could get out as I was getting off here. It was a little old dear and she just raised one of her eyebrows, and slowly stood up, allowing me out.

 

Grab my bag and go stand by the door. And the train continues to shoot through the station at about 70mph.

 

I get a phone call from my mate who was picking me up at the station absolutely killing himself with laughter, standing on the platform as I went flying through.

 

Even worse, I had to go back and sit next to the old lady again... We had a bit of a laugh.

 

Fortunately, the ticket conductor took pity on me (also called me a bit of an arse) and didn't charge me for the Berwick-Newcastle. And after explaining to the other guard on the way back up (who also laughed), I also got away with it without charge.

 

Would have been a fairly expensive mistake.

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On the train theme the first time I was in New York I got the wrong subway train back to Brooklyn late at night on my own and ended up at the Nostrand Avenue in Bedford-Stuyvesant late at night.

 

Doesn't sound too bad unless you know Brooklyn. Think Hill Street Blues or The Wire. And me the only white face carrying my bag with a laptop etc. Looking totally like a tourist. A bus stopped and I asked the driver if he went to Fort Green. His reply was classic. "Yes I do and I suggest you get on this bus right now"

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fabienleclerq

Hate the trains. Was trying to get back home to Berwick-upon-Tweed from Waverley.

 

Near Berwick, I stood up, and asked the person sitting next to me if I could get out as I was getting off here. It was a little old dear and she just raised one of her eyebrows, and slowly stood up, allowing me out.

 

Grab my bag and go stand by the door. And the train continues to shoot through the station at about 70mph.

 

I get a phone call from my mate who was picking me up at the station absolutely killing himself with laughter, standing on the platform as I went flying through.

 

Even worse, I had to go back and sit next to the old lady again... We had a bit of a laugh.

 

Fortunately, the ticket conductor took pity on me (also called me a bit of an arse) and didn't charge me for the Berwick-Newcastle. And after explaining to the other guard on the way back up (who also laughed), I also got away with it without charge.

 

Would have been a fairly expensive mistake.

I got charged both ways!

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The Great Khali

I was working at the Rank Hovis when the boys told me to go up and see the boss. I knocked on his door. Turned out it was a wind up. "Back to work", my boss said - have a red face after that gaffe. <_<

 

I was playing football a couple of seasons ago. Was halftime and we were in the changing rooms. I was bencho and a couple of the guys told me that the gaffer wanted me outside for a quick warm up, as I was going on.

 

Got outside, the changin rooms are a good 2 minute walk to the pitch and the gaffer was right up the other end of the pitch talkin to someone. I sprinted up, "right, who am I coming on for? What warm up do you want me to do?"

 

He looked at me like Id lost the plot. Turned round and the boys were all pishing theirselves.

 

Raging :lol:

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Lobey Dosser

Another train one, but I was getting off the train last week, and I turned to a fellow passenger and said "thanks", in the manner you would when getting off the bus.

 

My wife got on the bus on the way to work, put her money in the slot, and said to the driver "Claims Department, Elki speaking", which is what she says when she answers the phone at work.

 

She also once went to work in just her tights. No skirt.

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Ted (Theodore) Logan

Another train one, but I was getting off the train last week, and I turned to a fellow passenger and said "thanks", in the manner you would when getting off the bus.

 

My wife got on the bus on the way to work, put her money in the slot, and said to the driver "Claims Department, Elki speaking", which is what she says when she answers the phone at work.

 

She also once went to work in just her tights. No skirt.

:rofl:

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Ted (Theodore) Logan

I've went into the shower in my boxers and socks before :facepalm::laugh:

Me too :lol:

 

I'm hiding under the covers on my phone and trying not to laugh at these posts, so I don't wake up Princess Sparkle (my wife)

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On the train theme, I used to work in Glasgow and lived in Edinburgh and got the train there and back every day.

 

One day I decided to go for a few pints with my workmates, anyway a few turned into quite a few and I decided that to make sure I didn't miss the last train and be stuck all night in the Weedge I would go for the second last train thinking that if I missed it I could get the last one.

 

Made it in time for the second last one and got myself a coffee and sandwich and sat down, put my monthly rail card on the table and closed my eyes thinking how bad the hangover was going to be the next day.

 

Anyway opened my eyes, had a look outside and we were still in Queen Street, had a wee drink of my coffee and thought "those b'tards have given me a stone cold coffee" I was seething!

 

Looked outside and the big station clock caught my eye. It was after midnight, I had been to Edinburgh and back! blink.gif

 

I ended up in some nightclub till about 4am then sat in George Square like a jakey till the first train home.

 

Fast forward a week and the same scenario, pints with the boys, only this time I would just get the last train home at 11pm.

 

All was good but I fell asleep on said train and ended up somewhere down Abbeyhill way as the train was heading to some yard for cleaning.

 

My sleep was interrupted by a somewhat worried guard who explained that he could lose his job for not checking the train was empty.

 

I did the honourable thing and agreed to get off the train before the depot, luckily the fact I was 2 sheets to the wind softened the blow when I jumped out the train. It's a feckin long way down when there's no a platform!!

 

I've never fallen asleep on a train since. thumbsup.gif

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