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Morgan
5 minutes ago, Thommo414 said:

 

Thank you both for your responses! Obviously at the time of posting, I wasn't in the best of places up there. I took a bit of time last night to calm down and speak to people about whats going on and I am feeling somewhat better this morning although I know I have a lot of work to do to overcome things. 

 

Once again, can't emphasise enough how much I appreciate your advice. Thank you!

Great to hear you’re feeling better.  :thumbsup:

 

Onwards and upwards Thommo!

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Thommo414
3 hours ago, Morgan said:

Great to hear you’re feeling better.  :thumbsup:

 

Onwards and upwards Thommo!

Thank you, Morgan. Onwards and upwards indeed! 

 

Amazing what a weekend without domestic football does to a man...

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Dawnrazor
3 minutes ago, Thommo414 said:

Thank you, Morgan. Onwards and upwards indeed! 

 

Amazing what a weekend without domestic football does to a man...

Still go and speak to a professional will you please, the dark feelings may come back, if you make contact with someone now, when you're feeling better, it will be much easier to speak to them when you're really down. 

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Morgan
10 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

Still go and speak to a professional will you please, the dark feelings may come back, if you make contact with someone now, when you're feeling better, it will be much easier to speak to them when you're really down. 

@Thommo414

 

Very sound advice I’d say.

 

Good man Dawn :thumbsup:

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Dawnrazor
1 minute ago, Morgan said:

@Thommo414

 

Very sound advice I’d say.

 

Good man Dawn :thumbsup:

I've a good mate that's going through a bloody hard time with depression, suffered with it after he split up with his long term partner, he was getting on top of it when he met a new woman, then, got diagnosed with Lymphatic cancer, got over that after some agressive chemotherapy and radiotherapy, then, the new woman dumped him, he knows a thing or two about it?? 

I go and spend a night or two with him to keep him company, he really pressed home to me how important speaking to a professional was and is, he was refferd by his GP. 

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Morgan
23 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

I've a good mate that's going through a bloody hard time with depression, suffered with it after he split up with his long term partner, he was getting on top of it when he met a new woman, then, got diagnosed with Lymphatic cancer, got over that after some agressive chemotherapy and radiotherapy, then, the new woman dumped him, he knows a thing or two about it?? 

I go and spend a night or two with him to keep him company, he really pressed home to me how important speaking to a professional was and is, he was refferd by his GP. 

Wow, talk about having a bad time of it.

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redm

Just in case you missed this yesterday, Big Hearts & Christophe Berra launched The Changing Room initiative yesterday.

Big Hearts are just brilliant, aren't they? This stuff is so important. 

 

 

 

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gashauskis9

Wanted to give this thread a bump anyway, as it’s a superb thread, but it just so happens I have my own situation as well at the moment that I want to get off my chest in the hope that someone else has been through something similar and can provide me some assurance.  

 

I struggle to talk about my feelings with friends, so much so that a couple of my good friends who post on here will probably find out about my situation reading this and not from me directly (I’m really sorry).  I’m hoping I can use this as an outlet to try and share how I’m feeling without capitulating.

 

I’m currently going through a break up with my partner of 5 years, made more difficult by the fact that there are 2 kids (10 and 6) from her previous marriage who I have to brought up as my own.  Those kids are my world, the first and last thing I think about each day and I can’t cope with the thought of that relationship changing, especially with the youngest who I’ve known since she was 1.  Being a step-parent, this fills me with fear as there’s no obligation for them to continue having me in their life.

 

In addition to this, throw into the mix a mortgage to sort out which will inevitably fall at my feet despite the fact that she’s asked me to move out by the end of the month.  There’s no way she’ll be able to afford it on her own, but she’s refusing to sell.  We went through hell to get it in the first place and a year in we’re back at square one.

 

I’m suffering from huge meltdowns daily and don’t feel like I can be on my own for long periods of time.  When this happens, I effectively black out (my mum told me today that I phoned her this morning wailing about my kids getting taken away from me - I can’t remember that at all).  I’ve had to take time off work as I’m not sleeping and can’t think straight.  I’m balling my eyes out after putting the kids to bed each night because I don’t want to leave them, same when I’m on the school run in the morning.  I’m even dreading going to games now as I started taking the kids and I make the connection  between the club and my relationship with them.  I’m totally broken.  Usually I can pick myself up when shit happens to me, having lived with depression in the past, but I don’t see anyway out of this one because the things in life that make me happy and safe are slipping away from me.

 

I’m good at coaching/counselling others, but I can’t seem to do it for myself.

 

 

 

Edited by Gashauskis9

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Scnorthedinburgh
6 minutes ago, Gashauskis9 said:

Wanted to give this thread a bump anyway, as it’s a superb thread, but it just so happens I have my own situation as well at the moment that I want to get off my chest in the hope that someone else has been through something similar and can provide me some assurance.  

 

I struggle to talk about my feelings with friends, so much so that a couple of my good friends who post on here will probably find out about my situation reading this and not from me directly (I’m really sorry).  I’m hoping I can use this as an outlet to try and share how I’m feeling without capitulating.

 

I’m currently going through a break up with my partner of 5 years, made more difficult by the fact that there are 2 kids (10 and 6) from her previous marriage who I have to brought up as my own.  Those kids are my world, the first and last thing I think about each day and I can’t cope with the thought of that relationship changing, especially with the youngest who I’ve known since she was 1.  Being a step-parent, this fills me with fear as there’s no obligation for them to continue having me in their life.

 

In addition to this, throw into the mix a mortgage to sort out which will inevitably fall at my feet despite the fact that she’s asked me to move out by the end of the month.  There’s no way she’ll be able to afford it on her own, but she’s refusing to sell.  We went through hell to get it in the first place and a year in we’re back at square one.

 

I’m suffering from huge meltdowns daily and don’t feel like I can be on my own for long periods of time.  When this happens, I effectively black out (my mum told me today that I phoned her this morning wailing about my kids getting taken away from me - I can’t remember that at all).  I’ve had to take time off work as I’m not sleeping and can’t think straight.  I’m balling my eyes out after putting the kids to bed each night because I don’t want to leave them, same when I’m on the school run in the morning.  I’m even dreading going to games now as I started taking the kids and I make the connection  between the club and my relationship with them.  I’m totally broken.  Usually I can pick myself up when shit happens to me, having lived with depression in the past, but I don’t see anyway out of this one because the things in life that make me happy and safe are slipping away from me.

 

I’m good at coaching/counselling others, but I can’t seem to do it for myself.

 

 

 

Your friends reading this on here will be your first big, best step.

Don't underestimate your friends, mine were saints when I went through something like you are.

It always gets better, just so hard to see that at the time.

You will be fine.

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Swanny17
5 minutes ago, Gashauskis9 said:

Wanted to give this thread a bump anyway, as it’s a superb thread, but it just so happens I have my own situation as well at the moment that I want to get off my chest in the hope that someone else has been through something similar and can provide me some assurance.  

 

I struggle to talk about my feelings with friends, so much so that a couple of my good friends who post on here will probably find out about my situation reading this and not from me directly (I’m really sorry).  I’m hoping I can use this as an outlet to try and share how I’m feeling without capitulating.

 

I’m currently going through a break up with my partner of 5 years, made more difficult by the fact that there are 2 kids (10 and 6) from her previous marriage who I have to brought up as my own.  Those kids are my world, the first and last thing I think about each day and I can’t cope with the thought of that relationship changing, especially with the youngest who I’ve known since she was 1.  Being a step-parent, this fills me with fear as there’s no obligation for them to continue having me in their life.

 

In addition to this, throw into the mix a mortgage to sort out which will inevitably fall at my feet despite the fact that she’s asked me to move out by the end of the month.  There’s no way she’ll be able to afford it on her own, but she’s refusing to sell.  We went through hell to get it in the first place and a year in we’re back at square one.

 

I’m suffering from huge meltdowns daily and don’t feel like I can be on my own for long periods of time.  When this happens, I effectively black out (my mum told me today that I phoned her this morning wailing about my kids getting taken away from me - I can’t remember that at all).  I’ve had to take time off work as I’m not sleeping and can’t think straight.  I’m balling my eyes out after putting the kids to bed each night because I don’t want to leave them, same when I’m on the school run in the morning.  I’m even dreading going to games now as I started taking the kids and I make the connection  between the club and my relationship with them.  I’m totally broken.  Usually I can pick myself up when shit happens to me, having lived with depression in the past, but I don’t see anyway out of this one because the things in life that make me happy and safe are slipping away from me.

 

I’m good at coaching/counselling others, but I can’t seem to do it for myself.

 

 

 

 

The fact that you have taken this step and shown tremendous courage to do so is so significant bud. 

 

Whether or not your mates see your post, I would still recommend speaking to them as I am sure they will do their very best to support you.

 

I suffer from depression myself for no reason known to me, but I honestly cannot imagine how hard things must be for you just now. 

 

However, there is always support available and your kids will always love you no matter what. Just do the right thing by them no matter how hard it may be with your Mrs.

 

Good luck bud, stay strong. 

 

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gashauskis9
3 minutes ago, Swanny17 said:

 

The fact that you have taken this step and shown tremendous courage to do so is so significant bud. 

 

Whether or not your mates see your post, I would still recommend speaking to them as I am sure they will do their very best to support you.

 

I suffer from depression myself for no reason known to me, but I honestly cannot imagine how hard things must be for you just now. 

 

However, there is always support available and your kids will always love you no matter what. Just do the right thing by them no matter how hard it may be with your Mrs.

 

Good luck bud, stay strong. 

 

Thanks chief.  Biggest challenge is that they aren’t my kids though.  Their dad sees them twice a week and treats it like a chore, but I’d do anything to spend time with them.

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JamesM48
4 minutes ago, Gashauskis9 said:

Thanks chief.  Biggest challenge is that they aren’t my kids though.  Their dad sees them twice a week and treats it like a chore, but I’d do anything to spend time with them.

They may not be your kids but u seem to have a loving bond with them.  The mother of them needs to respect this and let you have some form of continuing contact as it would be healthy for you and the children.  You and her dont need much contact with each other other than organising when you can see the kids.  Keep any stress/ conflict to the minimum for all concerned. 

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PTBCAL
23 minutes ago, Gashauskis9 said:

Thanks chief.  Biggest challenge is that they aren’t my kids though.  Their dad sees them twice a week and treats it like a chore, but I’d do anything to spend time with them.

 

Mate, I opened up on here and it saved both myself and my marriage so no shame or concerns  in doing this. It's easier to type that face your friends in reality.

 

I have been going through a tough time myself recently but there is always someone to speak to and I urge you to do it. PM me if you want to speak about what's happening in your life.

 

One thing I would say to your partner (ex) is you want to

continue being a positive influence in their life. 

 

Really wish you good luck but remember and reach out - it's important that you do and by typing your message earlier you have recognised this. ?

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The Future's Maroon

I have to say a couple of years ago I let out all my shit on this thread and it actually helped no end with the messages of support.

 

It is easier to open up to, I don’t want to use the word strangers as feels wrong, people outwith your social circle.

 

A few years ago I was really down, made a stupid attempt to end it but thankfully seen the light, spoke on here, spoke to colleagues at work and most importantly spoke to a doctor and didn’t hold anything back.

 

Glad to say it was the best thing I done, currently happy with my lot and no medication or help required.

 

It may sound stupid (some may think pathetic), but talking to someone, ANYONE, can help.

 

This thread, although sounds weird, is one of the best things on the internet.

 

I’m now in a good place, if anyone needs to talk to someone who has been there feel free to PM me, I’ve been to hell and thought there was no way out....there is, please believe me.

 

TFM

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gashauskis9
11 hours ago, JamesM48 said:

They may not be your kids but u seem to have a loving bond with them.  The mother of them needs to respect this and let you have some form of continuing contact as it would be healthy for you and the children.  You and her dont need much contact with each other other than organising when you can see the kids.  Keep any stress/ conflict to the minimum for all concerned. 

Thanks chief, wise words and definitely my intentions.

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gashauskis9
11 hours ago, PTBCAL said:

 

Mate, I opened up on here and it saved both myself and my marriage so no shame or concerns  in doing this. It's easier to type that face your friends in reality.

 

I have been going through a tough time myself recently but there is always someone to speak to and I urge you to do it. PM me if you want to speak about what's happening in your life.

 

One thing I would say to your partner (ex) is you want to

continue being a positive influence in their life. 

 

Really wish you good luck but remember and reach out - it's important that you do and by typing your message earlier you have recognised this. ?

Thanks chief, means a lot.

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gashauskis9
9 hours ago, The Future's Maroon said:

I have to say a couple of years ago I let out all my shit on this thread and it actually helped no end with the messages of support.

 

It is easier to open up to, I don’t want to use the word strangers as feels wrong, people outwith your social circle.

 

A few years ago I was really down, made a stupid attempt to end it but thankfully seen the light, spoke on here, spoke to colleagues at work and most importantly spoke to a doctor and didn’t hold anything back.

 

Glad to say it was the best thing I done, currently happy with my lot and no medication or help required.

 

It may sound stupid (some may think pathetic), but talking to someone, ANYONE, can help.

 

This thread, although sounds weird, is one of the best things on the internet.

 

I’m now in a good place, if anyone needs to talk to someone who has been there feel free to PM me, I’ve been to hell and thought there was no way out....there is, please believe me.

 

TFM

I took the time to read your post earlier in this thread and it inspired me much like it inspired me at the time you posted.  Really appreciate the kind words and I’m so glad to hear you’re in a good place.

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Captain Canada

I've had another difficult spell lately where I've felt completely overwhelmed with work, problems at home etc. These have been ongoing for some time and culminated in me crying in front of my GP when I tried to explain how I'd been feeling. I witnessed a traumatic incident about a month ago too and I've struggled to deal with it.

 

Talking to someone I don't know has always been so much easier for me than friends or family. 

 

What's working well for me at the moment is taking myself out of my usual environment and heading to the sea. The fresh air and waves seem to help put things into perspective and break up the vicious cycle of overthinking and negativity which I can fall into easily when I feel I have too much to deal with and not enough energy. 

 

I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I also watch guided meditation videos on YouTube - they cover a load of things from getting a better sleep to depression and anxiety. 

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Captain Canada

I wanted to bump this thread but also highly recommend a book called DARE by Barry McDonagh for anyone suffering from anxiety and/or panic attacks. 

 

It's helped me so much this past week and the concepts in the book are really simple, but work so well when you apply them. 

 

 

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Blackford Hearts

Have just read over a few of the recent posts. This thread as some have suggested is without doubt the most important on JKB. Football celebrations are temporary but life is permanent. As an anonymous self help group it works. There are other group therapies in Edinburgh 

 

Some might want further support which initially may be from a GP but in many cases CBT or talking therapy may be needed. 

 

Christmas (for me) is always tough. Having to appear happy whilst reflecting on life is a tough gig. 

 

As many have said, find someone to talk to. Pretty much doesn’t matter who, as long as they are listening and hearing. 

 

Heres a a link to some additional support 

 

http://www.mentalhealthintheuk.co.uk/food.pdf

 

https://eqi.md/2EGrW9J

 

Edited by Blackford Hearts
Additional link

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Blackford Hearts
On 11/11/2018 at 20:31, Captain Canada said:

I've had another difficult spell lately where I've felt completely overwhelmed with work, problems at home etc. These have been ongoing for some time and culminated in me crying in front of my GP when I tried to explain how I'd been feeling. I witnessed a traumatic incident about a month ago too and I've struggled to deal with it.

 

Talking to someone I don't know has always been so much easier for me than friends or family. 

 

What's working well for me at the moment is taking myself out of my usual environment and heading to the sea. The fresh air and waves seem to help put things into perspective and break up the vicious cycle of overthinking and negativity which I can fall into easily when I feel I have too much to deal with and not enough energy. 

 

I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I also watch guided meditation videos on YouTube - they cover a load of things from getting a better sleep to depression and anxiety. 

 

Hope last couple of weeks have been ok. Your coping methods sound like they’re working for you 

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Captain Canada
31 minutes ago, Blackford Hearts said:

 

Hope last couple of weeks have been ok. Your coping methods sound like they’re working for you 

Cheers mate, I'm starting to feel so much better although it will take a lot more time and effort to get back to my old self. I bottled things up for way too long and I realise now it's the worst possible thing to do. 

 

I hope you're ok over the Christmas period. Just drop me a PM or email if I can help you in any way. 

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Blackford Hearts

Thanks mate. Strangely lonely time despite everyone making out (maybe it is for them) it’s such a party time! Keep the talking going. It’s a release that’s always worthwhile. Cheers 

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Dagger Is Back

Last night before the bells I found myself at the Westburn bridge, standing looking down on the sporadic traffic passing by on the city bypass.

 

I should have been at home supporting my wife who lost her Mum in March, but we’d had a blazing row and she’d stormed out. 

 

It was was my fault entirely.

 

I was at that bridge and then I heard the fireworks going off at the Castle. The phone went, it was my Mum. I didn’t answer but it ‘woke’ me up.

 

I walked along to the Odeon and found myself a wee doorway. I sat for a while and thought about lots of things. I thought about my Mum and the challenges she’s facing with my Dad. I thought about my wife and the challenges she will face shortly with her brother who doesn’t keep at all well, and how she’ll be when our dog goes.

 

I remembered this thread and read quite a few pages. Read about people just like me. How they were feeling and how they were trying to help themselves.

 

I also read so much advice and about the help available, very often posted by people who’d been or are, in the same place as me.

 

I’ll cut a long story short. I got home about 2am, absolutely shattered. I’ve had a good long think about my life and what’s good about it. I’ve also thought about the things I need to change, and the things that I just can’t change no matter what.

 

I’m going to follow up on one of the support functions suggested here once folks get back to work.

 

I’m posting for lots of reasons. One to say thank you to everyone on here who has posted. Your postings make it so much easier for people like me to open up without fear of being judged. 

 

I’m also posting to share that I didn’t actually want to die. I just didn’t want to continue living as I did. 

 

I realise now that I have people who need my help and I can’t do that if I’m not here. I also realise that I can only change certain things in my life. The rest I need to stop sweating and learn to live with it.

 

If my experience helps just one person who reads it then I’ve repaid the ‘favour’ that those who have already posted, have done for me 

 

Thanks all

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Morgan
30 minutes ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Last night before the bells I found myself at the Westburn bridge, standing looking down on the sporadic traffic passing by on the city bypass.

 

I should have been at home supporting my wife who lost her Mum in March, but we’d had a blazing row and she’d stormed out. 

 

It was was my fault entirely.

 

I was at that bridge and then I heard the fireworks going off at the Castle. The phone went, it was my Mum. I didn’t answer but it ‘woke’ me up.

 

I walked along to the Odeon and found myself a wee doorway. I sat for a while and thought about lots of things. I thought about my Mum and the challenges she’s facing with my Dad. I thought about my wife and the challenges she will face shortly with her brother who doesn’t keep at all well, and how she’ll be when our dog goes.

 

I remembered this thread and read quite a few pages. Read about people just like me. How they were feeling and how they were trying to help themselves.

 

I also read so much advice and about the help available, very often posted by people who’d been or are, in the same place as me.

 

I’ll cut a long story short. I got home about 2am, absolutely shattered. I’ve had a good long think about my life and what’s good about it. I’ve also thought about the things I need to change, and the things that I just can’t change no matter what.

 

I’m going to follow up on one of the support functions suggested here once folks get back to work.

 

I’m posting for lots of reasons. One to say thank you to everyone on here who has posted. Your postings make it so much easier for people like me to open up without fear of being judged. 

 

I’m also posting to share that I didn’t actually want to die. I just didn’t want to continue living as I did. 

 

I realise now that I have people who need my help and I can’t do that if I’m not here. I also realise that I can only change certain things in my life. The rest I need to stop sweating and learn to live with it.

 

If my experience helps just one person who reads it then I’ve repaid the ‘favour’ that those who have already posted, have done for me 

 

Thanks all

Dagger?  I posted a wee thank you to you earlier today in response to something you said yesterday.  I hope you read it?

 

Your post above is a very sad, but also a very hopeful and positive one.

 

I wish you nothing but the best, take care man.

 

Morgan

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Ulysses

All the best to you Dagger.  And to Morgan as well.

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Dagger Is Back
43 minutes ago, Morgan said:

Dagger?  I posted a wee thank you to you earlier today in response to something you said yesterday.  I hope you read it?

 

Your post above is a very sad, but also a very hopeful and positive one.

 

I wish you nothing but the best, take care man.

 

Morgan

 

Thanks buddy. Have read it and strangely enough I know exactly what you mean.

 

Thank you.

 

 

26 minutes ago, Ulysses said:

All the best to you Dagger.  And to Morgan as well.

 

Thanks Uly. Need to get a few beers when you’re next over.

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Taffin

Best wishes Dagger. Thanks for your honesty in your post and glad you're going into the new year focussed on what you need to do.

 

It's great this thread is still going, it's probably the only thread where I've not felt a need to be devil's advocate, a smart arse or a dour git. Many things I do partly due to my lack of self esteem. So, thanks again to everyone who's contributed to this thread for providing support, honesty and solace to us during the darkest times. 

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Dagger Is Back
33 minutes ago, Taffin said:

Best wishes Dagger. Thanks for your honesty in your post and glad you're going into the new year focussed on what you need to do.

 

It's great this thread is still going, it's probably the only thread where I've not felt a need to be devil's advocate, a smart arse or a dour git. Many things I do partly due to my lack of self esteem. So, thanks again to everyone who's contributed to this thread for providing support, honesty and solace to us during the darkest times. 

 

It’s easy to be honest Taffin when folks create the right environment, so you’re spot on. 

 

Take care buddy

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The Frenchman Returns

Dagger hope you are doing ok, you are not alone, I have read this thread for a long time but never posted. You have friends here, use us.

C

Edited by The Frenchman Returns

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AlphonseCapone
5 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Last night before the bells I found myself at the Westburn bridge, standing looking down on the sporadic traffic passing by on the city bypass.

 

I should have been at home supporting my wife who lost her Mum in March, but we’d had a blazing row and she’d stormed out. 

 

It was was my fault entirely.

 

I was at that bridge and then I heard the fireworks going off at the Castle. The phone went, it was my Mum. I didn’t answer but it ‘woke’ me up.

 

I walked along to the Odeon and found myself a wee doorway. I sat for a while and thought about lots of things. I thought about my Mum and the challenges she’s facing with my Dad. I thought about my wife and the challenges she will face shortly with her brother who doesn’t keep at all well, and how she’ll be when our dog goes.

 

I remembered this thread and read quite a few pages. Read about people just like me. How they were feeling and how they were trying to help themselves.

 

I also read so much advice and about the help available, very often posted by people who’d been or are, in the same place as me.

 

I’ll cut a long story short. I got home about 2am, absolutely shattered. I’ve had a good long think about my life and what’s good about it. I’ve also thought about the things I need to change, and the things that I just can’t change no matter what.

 

I’m going to follow up on one of the support functions suggested here once folks get back to work.

 

I’m posting for lots of reasons. One to say thank you to everyone on here who has posted. Your postings make it so much easier for people like me to open up without fear of being judged. 

 

I’m also posting to share that I didn’t actually want to die. I just didn’t want to continue living as I did. 

 

I realise now that I have people who need my help and I can’t do that if I’m not here. I also realise that I can only change certain things in my life. The rest I need to stop sweating and learn to live with it.

 

If my experience helps just one person who reads it then I’ve repaid the ‘favour’ that those who have already posted, have done for me 

 

Thanks all

 

Best of luck mate. 

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Jamboelite
12 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Last night before the bells I found myself at the Westburn bridge, standing looking down on the sporadic traffic passing by on the city bypass.

 

I should have been at home supporting my wife who lost her Mum in March, but we’d had a blazing row and she’d stormed out. 

 

It was was my fault entirely.

 

I was at that bridge and then I heard the fireworks going off at the Castle. The phone went, it was my Mum. I didn’t answer but it ‘woke’ me up.

 

I walked along to the Odeon and found myself a wee doorway. I sat for a while and thought about lots of things. I thought about my Mum and the challenges she’s facing with my Dad. I thought about my wife and the challenges she will face shortly with her brother who doesn’t keep at all well, and how she’ll be when our dog goes.

 

I remembered this thread and read quite a few pages. Read about people just like me. How they were feeling and how they were trying to help themselves.

 

I also read so much advice and about the help available, very often posted by people who’d been or are, in the same place as me.

 

I’ll cut a long story short. I got home about 2am, absolutely shattered. I’ve had a good long think about my life and what’s good about it. I’ve also thought about the things I need to change, and the things that I just can’t change no matter what.

 

I’m going to follow up on one of the support functions suggested here once folks get back to work.

 

I’m posting for lots of reasons. One to say thank you to everyone on here who has posted. Your postings make it so much easier for people like me to open up without fear of being judged. 

 

I’m also posting to share that I didn’t actually want to die. I just didn’t want to continue living as I did. 

 

I realise now that I have people who need my help and I can’t do that if I’m not here. I also realise that I can only change certain things in my life. The rest I need to stop sweating and learn to live with it.

 

If my experience helps just one person who reads it then I’ve repaid the ‘favour’ that those who have already posted, have done for me 

 

Thanks all

Take care DIB.

 

Life is a challenge as much as a blessing and none of us can do it alone ??

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chester copperpot
13 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Last night before the bells I found myself at the Westburn bridge, standing looking down on the sporadic traffic passing by on the city bypass.

 

I should have been at home supporting my wife who lost her Mum in March, but we’d had a blazing row and she’d stormed out. 

 

It was was my fault entirely.

 

I was at that bridge and then I heard the fireworks going off at the Castle. The phone went, it was my Mum. I didn’t answer but it ‘woke’ me up.

 

I walked along to the Odeon and found myself a wee doorway. I sat for a while and thought about lots of things. I thought about my Mum and the challenges she’s facing with my Dad. I thought about my wife and the challenges she will face shortly with her brother who doesn’t keep at all well, and how she’ll be when our dog goes.

 

I remembered this thread and read quite a few pages. Read about people just like me. How they were feeling and how they were trying to help themselves.

 

I also read so much advice and about the help available, very often posted by people who’d been or are, in the same place as me.

 

I’ll cut a long story short. I got home about 2am, absolutely shattered. I’ve had a good long think about my life and what’s good about it. I’ve also thought about the things I need to change, and the things that I just can’t change no matter what.

 

I’m going to follow up on one of the support functions suggested here once folks get back to work.

 

I’m posting for lots of reasons. One to say thank you to everyone on here who has posted. Your postings make it so much easier for people like me to open up without fear of being judged. 

 

I’m also posting to share that I didn’t actually want to die. I just didn’t want to continue living as I did. 

 

I realise now that I have people who need my help and I can’t do that if I’m not here. I also realise that I can only change certain things in my life. The rest I need to stop sweating and learn to live with it.

 

If my experience helps just one person who reads it then I’ve repaid the ‘favour’ that those who have already posted, have done for me 

 

Thanks all

 

 

 

Really really hope you are doing 9k mate.

 

Drop me a PM ANYTIME you need to chat. I have been through many episodes myself over the years.

 

Had a wobble recently despite things in my life being amazing. 

 

Same goes for anyone struggling. Always here to help out a fellow sufferer. 

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Jambothump

We all have a laugh and joke in the pub, how many know, we are dying inside ?

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Morgan
13 hours ago, Taffin said:

Best wishes Dagger. Thanks for your honesty in your post and glad you're going into the new year focussed on what you need to do.

 

It's great this thread is still going, it's probably the only thread where I've not felt a need to be devil's advocate, a smart arse or a dour git. Many things I do partly due to my lack of self esteem. So, thanks again to everyone who's contributed to this thread for providing support, honesty and solace to us during the darkest times. 

 

10 hours ago, The Frenchman Returns said:

Dagger hope you are doing ok, you are not alone, I have read this thread for a long time but never posted. You have friends here, use us.

C

 

9 hours ago, AlphonseCapone said:

 

Best of luck mate. 

 

2 hours ago, Jamboelite said:

Take care DIB.

 

Life is a challenge as much as a blessing and none of us can do it alone ??

 

1 hour ago, chester copperpot said:

 

 

 

Really really hope you are doing 9k mate.

 

Drop me a PM ANYTIME you need to chat. I have been through many episodes myself over the years.

 

Had a wobble recently despite things in my life being amazing. 

 

Same goes for anyone struggling. Always here to help out a fellow sufferer. 

 

27 minutes ago, Jambothump said:

We all have a laugh and joke in the pub, how many know, we are dying inside ?

Some really good lads on here.  These six quoted posts above are very good examples of that.

 

Well said everyone, all your thoughts are echoed by myself.

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Jeff
43 minutes ago, Jambothump said:

We all have a laugh and joke in the pub, how many know, we are dying inside ?

 

It's scary to look at the % of people who suffer from a mental illness and to think how many of your friends who act and seem happy really are happy on the inside.

 

I think the question you've asked should contain the word 'should' after the word many. They should all know if you're not okay. Talking is the best medicine.

 

 

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Der Kaiser
15 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

Last night before the bells I found myself at the Westburn bridge, standing looking down on the sporadic traffic passing by on the city bypass.

 

I should have been at home supporting my wife who lost her Mum in March, but we’d had a blazing row and she’d stormed out. 

 

It was was my fault entirely.

 

I was at that bridge and then I heard the fireworks going off at the Castle. The phone went, it was my Mum. I didn’t answer but it ‘woke’ me up.

 

I walked along to the Odeon and found myself a wee doorway. I sat for a while and thought about lots of things. I thought about my Mum and the challenges she’s facing with my Dad. I thought about my wife and the challenges she will face shortly with her brother who doesn’t keep at all well, and how she’ll be when our dog goes.

 

I remembered this thread and read quite a few pages. Read about people just like me. How they were feeling and how they were trying to help themselves.

 

I also read so much advice and about the help available, very often posted by people who’d been or are, in the same place as me.

 

I’ll cut a long story short. I got home about 2am, absolutely shattered. I’ve had a good long think about my life and what’s good about it. I’ve also thought about the things I need to change, and the things that I just can’t change no matter what.

 

I’m going to follow up on one of the support functions suggested here once folks get back to work.

 

I’m posting for lots of reasons. One to say thank you to everyone on here who has posted. Your postings make it so much easier for people like me to open up without fear of being judged. 

 

I’m also posting to share that I didn’t actually want to die. I just didn’t want to continue living as I did. 

 

I realise now that I have people who need my help and I can’t do that if I’m not here. I also realise that I can only change certain things in my life. The rest I need to stop sweating and learn to live with it.

 

If my experience helps just one person who reads it then I’ve repaid the ‘favour’ that those who have already posted, have done for me 

 

Thanks all

 

Stick in. I've been where you are...right at the bottom with no light seemingly in sight. Once you start talking it really does just open doors. 

 

No matter how low you feel though......you still can't have my lego bus.....but I can send pics.

 

?

 

 

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All roads lead to Gorgie

To everyone who has had a struggle recently my thoughts are with you. I lost my elderly mother earlier this year and an auntie has just passed away so I can sense in myself a sort of numbness and I do feel a bit lost this festive period. I hope with the longer days ahead my mood will lift again and that goes for everyone. Stay strong and seek help when you think the time is right. 

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Dagger Is Back
12 hours ago, The Frenchman Returns said:

Dagger hope you are doing ok, you are not alone, I have read this thread for a long time but never posted. You have friends here, use us.

C

 

11 hours ago, AlphonseCapone said:

 

Best of luck mate. 

 

4 hours ago, Jamboelite said:

Take care DIB.

 

Life is a challenge as much as a blessing and none of us can do it alone ??

 

3 hours ago, chester copperpot said:

 

 

 

Really really hope you are doing 9k mate.

 

Drop me a PM ANYTIME you need to chat. I have been through many episodes myself over the years.

 

Had a wobble recently despite things in my life being amazing. 

 

Same goes for anyone struggling. Always here to help out a fellow sufferer. 

 

1 hour ago, Morgan said:

 

 

 

 

 

Some really good lads on here.  These six quoted posts above are very good examples of that.

 

Well said everyone, all your thoughts are echoed by myself.

 

1 hour ago, Der Kaiser said:

 

Stick in. I've been where you are...right at the bottom with no light seemingly in sight. Once you start talking it really does just open doors. 

 

No matter how low you feel though......you still can't have my lego bus.....but I can send pics.

 

?

 

 

Thank you fellas, I really do appreciate your support.  It's really comforting to know that there are not only listening ears and helpful hands out there, but real understanding too. Takes a bit of balls to 'speak up' especially when you know so many people on JKB personally but one of the great things about this thread is that there is no judgement.

 

I've started my journey back and I'm sure there will be wobbles along the way but I don't want to be in that place again. One thing I've done is get a wee jar and when something good happens, I'm going to write it down on a wee bit of paper and stick it in the jar. If the black dog starts pawing at the door the contents of that wee jar will hopefully remind me of all the good things in my life.

 

Der Kaiser, thanks for making me laugh! Pics are perfect!

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Martin

Sorry to hear Dagger that you have been struggling but takes a huge amount of strength and resilience to talk about it and you should take so much from being able to do it, especially when you are helping lots of people by sharing your story. Stick in there, things will improve and by being able to talk about it, that makes such a difference and it can help hugely. 

 

The same goes for anyone going through a tough time, it's good to talk and I think even just knowing that there are folk out there who understand, that in itself makes a big difference. 

 

I've been struggling recently with one thing and another, but reading through some of this thread again has helped a lot, sometimes we all need a reminder that although life can be a real struggle, other people are going through tough times too. The important thing is not to give yourself a tough time about how you are feeling (easier said than done, I don't listen to my own advice!), it's just how life goes at times and it's natural to feel like crap when bad things are happening in life. 

 

Keep your head up everyone, anyone who suffers with depression is doing a bloody good job to deal with something that is very difficult. 

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Taffin
8 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said:

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you fellas, I really do appreciate your support.  It's really comforting to know that there are not only listening ears and helpful hands out there, but real understanding too. Takes a bit of balls to 'speak up' especially when you know so many people on JKB personally but one of the great things about this thread is that there is no judgement.

 

I've started my journey back and I'm sure there will be wobbles along the way but I don't want to be in that place again. One thing I've done is get a wee jar and when something good happens, I'm going to write it down on a wee bit of paper and stick it in the jar. If the black dog starts pawing at the door the contents of that wee jar will hopefully remind me of all the good things in my life.

 

Der Kaiser, thanks for making me laugh! Pics are perfect!

 

 

That's a cracking idea. I'm awful for looking back but only over the one shoulder, might give this a try to help me include a bit more balance when stuck in the past. Cheers ?

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Dagger Is Back
3 hours ago, Martin said:

Sorry to hear Dagger that you have been struggling but takes a huge amount of strength and resilience to talk about it and you should take so much from being able to do it, especially when you are helping lots of people by sharing your story. Stick in there, things will improve and by being able to talk about it, that makes such a difference and it can help hugely. 

 

The same goes for anyone going through a tough time, it's good to talk and I think even just knowing that there are folk out there who understand, that in itself makes a big difference. 

 

I've been struggling recently with one thing and another, but reading through some of this thread again has helped a lot, sometimes we all need a reminder that although life can be a real struggle, other people are going through tough times too. The important thing is not to give yourself a tough time about how you are feeling (easier said than done, I don't listen to my own advice!), it's just how life goes at times and it's natural to feel like crap when bad things are happening in life. 

 

Keep your head up everyone, anyone who suffers with depression is doing a bloody good job to deal with something that is very difficult. 

 

Thanks for that Martin. Opening up is the best thing to do you’re right. It’s tough though. 

 

Hope you get the support you need and that things improve for you

1 hour ago, Taffin said:

 

 

That's a cracking idea. I'm awful for looking back but only over the one shoulder, might give this a try to help me include a bit more balance when stuck in the past. Cheers ?

 

Good stuff Taffin. You’ve just helped me add my second wee note to my jar.

 

Thank you 

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Captain Sausage

We have a massive thing at work just now about mental health and resilience. 

 

We we are being challenged by the management to look at our mental health as we would our physical health. You might be fine one day, then struggling the next.

 

The speak up culture is really growing arms and legs and it’s brilliant to see. The statistic that gets bounded around a lot for us is that, in any given year, 25% of us will suffer a mental health problem of some description. 25%. That’s huge. 

 

It shouldn’t be taboo to discuss how we feel openly and candidly and for people to respect that and look to help, much like physical pain would be treated. 

 

This thread is brilliant. A really bright light in amongst the rest of the forum. 

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Morgan
On 03/01/2019 at 01:20, Dagger Is Back said:

 

Thanks for that Martin. Opening up is the best thing to do you’re right. It’s tough though. 

 

Hope you get the support you need and that things improve for you

 

Good stuff Taffin. You’ve just helped me add my second wee note to my jar.

 

Thank you 

Nice one, Dagger :thumbsup:

 

@Taffin is a really good lad, and has proved it once again.

 

 

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Taffin
20 hours ago, Morgan said:

Nice one, Dagger :thumbsup:

 

@Taffin is a really good lad, and has proved it once again.

 

 

 

 

Cheers Morgan. I'd make that my first note in jar but I'm too lazy to have got one yet ??

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SwindonJambo

Dagger just happens to be a friend of mine. Chin up buddy. You’re one of the best and you need to know that.  I am similarly afflicted although everyone’s story is different. Here’s mine.

 

Back in November 1989, I had a job in a bank I hated. I was also very cut off socially at the time. Just 22, life seemed pointless and I was listless and devoid of enthusiasm or energy. I struggled to haul my arse out of bed in the morning and I still do. I used to beat myself up over the slightest thing and I wanted to be gone. However, I had a couple of grand in the bank and I thought “I couldn’t take it with me”. So one morning, after being dropped off for work, I thought, “Screw this”. I didn’t show up. Instead I walked to Swindon Station and got a train to London. I walked from Paddington to Euston and bought a hold-all, some clothes and toiletries (all I had was my bank uniform). I then got a sleeper train to Edinburgh and went round to see my mate from Belfast (still a close mate today), in his final year at Edinburgh Uni and we had a couple of nights out with me crashing on his floor. I didn’t tell him I was ‘on the run’. On Saturday I went down to Haymarket hoping to catch a Hearts bus with empty seats as many supporters clubs used to stop there to pick up loose fans. Musselburgh SC called, the distinguished Mixed Race Guy with the dreadlocks welcomed me aboard and off we went to Tannadice to watch the exciting front 3 of Robbo, Colquhoun and Crabbe take a half time lead. We had 4-5,000 up there and it gave me such a great feeling to be standing among the fans again and enjoying the banter. After dominating and going 1 up we inexplicably lost to a Bowman raker and a last minute breakaway goal by the fat Finn. That sent me on a downer again so I went to the chippy. But shock, horror, the bus left without me so I was stranded in Dundee in the clothes I stood up in and my hold-all and contents off to Musselburgh .

 

I walked to Dundee City Centre through some dog rough areas, booked into a B& B and finally got my stuff back from Musselburgh on Monday night after I tracked them down. On Tuesday I went to Aberdeen then spent the next fortnight criss crossing Scotland on trains on a reckless and unscripted tour. I must have covered nearly every mile of the Scotrail network. I was in Inverness, Thurso, Glasgow, Stranraer, Ayr, Fort William, Oban, Skye, Kyle of Lochalsh, Fort William, Mallaig, Helensburgh, Largs - you name it, I was there. It was also November/December, pretty chilly and days were short. I mostly stayed in B&Bs but I travelled on overnight trains  a couple of times and in Oban I stayed with some weirdo I met in a pub there while watching the 1990 World Cup Draw. I had no regard for my own dignity or safety. In Skye, I sat next to a burn in the arse end of nowhere (Broadford?)and drank 5 cans of lager. I later caught a bus to Uig and had to plead with the driver to let me off for a pee.

 

My last night in Scotland was in Largs where I stayed in a yucky seafront hotel. I went to an offie, bought a bottle of Drambuie and planned to gulp it all down and drink myself to oblivion. In the event I had 2 glasses and fell asleep ?The next day it was more silly travels via Greenock, Glasgow,dinner in Dundee and ending up at the pub at Waverley where I got chatting to a young Pompey based sailor who was a fellow Jambo. We boarded the overnight seated train to London and I drank the rest of my Drambuie and fell asleep. Most of the other passengers on our carriage left when we boarded and I got my bottle out.  A while later I was woken up by being shaken and found myself surrounded by cops. I was chained up, taken off the train, frogmarched along the platform past all the other carriages and  transported to Carlisle nick in the paddy wagon , relieved of my luggage, shoelaces, belt and pocket contents and locked in a cell for my 1st and hopefully last stay at Her Majesty’s pleasure. In fairness to Cumbria Constabulary’s finest, they were very good to me, let me off with a caution for ‘Drunk and Incapable’ and said I’d been arrested for my own safety. I also found out that the train made an unscheduled stop there so that I could be removed.

 

Luckily for me, the train had left Waverley a bit late and the guard’s stamp was after midnight so I carried on to Euston  on the same ticket. I had a honking hangover and walked down to the Thames, feeling puiky. After some nosh I went to One of Peter Stringfellow’s seedy overpriced nightclubs in Leicester Square and watched some crap band until 3am and spent the rest of the night roughing it at Euston. After walking around London for a few hours, I realised I’d been on the road for 3 weeks and though still depressed, I knew there was nothing wrong with my spirit of adventure and I didn’t want to die.  So I finally plucked up the courage to phone home, expecting to face the music for putting them through worry. I got the train back West shortly after and had the big emotional family reunion. My dad had come to Scotland to look for me and found my mate in Edinburgh I’d stayed with. He was also in daily contact with the bank because they could see where I’d been drawing cash on their network.

 

I went to the doc the next day and was put on meds and signed off until mid March as I recovered my confidence and enthusiasm, with a fair few ups, downs and soul searching.. And this was 30 years ago, a time when mental health issues were far less recognised than they are today and frequently dismissed as made up by many.

 

So an irresponsible and reckless adventure in which I blew nearly a grand - a lot of cash 30 years ago. In a way I think it saved me. If I didn’t have that cash in the bank to waste, the outcome may very well have been different. 

 

I’ve had a few more bouts of depression since then, some with a week or 2 off work and meds but nothing too major since about 2007 because I’ve learnt to live with it. It’s certainly made me a shadow of what I once looked like I could be in life (I was highly academic but very shy at School but it all fell off a cliff when I got to Uni (as yet undiagnosed depression a likely cause) but I’m not even bothered about that. I have a large-ish 2 bed flat in a nice village in Oxfordshire debt free and I can travel off and do stuff whenever leave and opportunity permits, though I’m far from wealthy - it’s all done on the cheap. I drive a 25 year old car, care nothing for the finer things in life, usually staying with friends or in hostel dorms when I travel and generally don’t give the slightest toss for material goods and flashiness. I can’t stand aloof, pretentious, self aggrandising or big headed people. Or bullies, people who constantly put others down or other arseholish behaviours.  I have a strong sense of self acceptance.  Be grateful for what you do have (but of course strive for better if you can) and don’t beat yourself up for what you don’t have or haven’t achieved. I used to feel sad about having no wife or kids but no longer. I see the positives in complete freedom now. Those of you bringing up children have my utmost respect. Parenting is probably the hardest it’s ever been in our social media driven World. Try to avoid looking back and wish you had done things differently. I used to be the World’s worst for it and have luckily left it far behind.

 

If you are depressed then try to stay active and give yourself things to look forward to. Emphasise the positive. Most people are pretty decent and you are almost certainly  one of them. You deserve to be happy.

 

Change what can be changed. If something can’t be changed, accept it, embrace it and learn to live with it. Self acceptance. 

 

The media is always bombarding us with airbrushed images of perfection - big houses, flash cars, big wealth and very good looking people, all far from reality and beyond the reach of 99% of us. It really isn’t helpful.  Shrug your shoulders and walk on by. It’s all superficial bollocks.

 

Edited by SwindonJambo

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Irufushi
15 minutes ago, SwindonJambo said:

Dagger just happens to be a friend of mine. Chin up buddy. You’re one of the best and you need to know that.  I am similarly afflicted although everyone’s story is different. Here’s mine.

 

Back in November 1989, I had a job in a bank I hated. I was also very cut off socially at the time. Just 22, life seemed pointless and I was listless and devoid of enthusiasm or energy. I struggled to haul my arse out of bed in the morning and I still do. I used to beat myself up over the slightest thing and I wanted to be gone. However, I had a couple of grand in the bank and I thought “I couldn’t take it with me”. So one morning, after being dropped off for work, I thought, “Screw this”. I didn’t show up. Instead I walked to Swindon Station and got a train to London. I walked from Paddington to Euston and bought a hold-all, some clothes and toiletries (all I had was my bank uniform). I then got a sleeper train to Edinburgh and went round to see my mate from Belfast (still a close mate today), in his final year at Edinburgh Uni and we had a couple of nights out with me crashing on his floor. I didn’t tell him I was ‘on the run’. On Saturday I went down to Haymarket hoping to catch a Hearts bus with empty seats as many supporters clubs used to stop there to pick up loose fans. Musselburgh SC called, the distinguished Mixed Race Guy with the dreadlocks welcomed me aboard and off we went to Tannadice to watch the exciting front 3 of Robbo, Colquhoun and Crabbe take a half time lead. We had 4-5,000 up there and it gave me such a great feeling to be standing among the fans again and enjoying the banter. After dominating and going 1 up we inexplicably lost to a Bowman raker and a last minute breakaway goal by the fat Finn. That sent me on a downer again so I went to the chippy. But shock, horror, the bus left without me so I was stranded in Dundee in the clothes I stood up in and my hold-all and contents off to Musselburgh .

 

I walked to Dundee City Centre through some dog rough areas, booked into a B& B and finally got my stuff back from Musselburgh on Monday night after I tracked them down. On Tuesday I went to Aberdeen then spent the next fortnight criss crossing Scotland on trains on a reckless and unscripted tour. I must have covered nearly every mile of the Scotrail network. I was in Inverness, Thurso, Glasgow, Stranraer, Ayr, Fort William, Oban, Skye, Kyle of Lochalsh, Fort William, Mallaig, Helensburgh, Largs - you name it, I was there. It was also November/December, pretty chilly and days were short. I mostly stayed in B&Bs but I travelled on overnight trains  a couple of times and in Oban I stayed with some weirdo I met in a pub there while watching the 1990 World Cup Draw. I had no regard for my own dignity or safety. In Skye, I sat next to a burn in the arse end of nowhere (Broadford?)and drank 5 cans of lager. I later caught a bus to Uig and had to plead with the driver to let me off for a pee.

 

My last night in Scotland was in Largs where I stayed in a yucky seafront hotel. I went to an offie, bought a bottle of Drambuie and planned to gulp it all down and drink myself to oblivion. In the event I had 2 glasses and fell asleep ?The next day it was more silly travels via Greenock, Glasgow,dinner in Dundee and ending up at the pub at Waverley where I got chatting to a young Pompey based sailor who was a fellow Jambo. We boarded the overnight seated train to London and I drank the rest of my Drambuie and fell asleep. Most of the other passengers on our carriage left when we boarded and I got my bottle out.  A while later I was woken up by being shaken and found myself surrounded by cops. I was chained up, taken off the train, frogmarched along the platform past all the other carriages and  transported to Carlisle nick in the paddy wagon , relieved of my luggage, shoelaces, belt and pocket contents and locked in a cell for my 1st and hopefully last stay at Her Majesty’s pleasure. In fairness to Cumbria Constabulary’s finest, they were very good to me, let me off with a caution for ‘Drunk and Incapable’ and said I’d been arrested for my own safety. I also found out that the train made an unscheduled stop there so that I could be removed.

 

Luckily for me, the train had left Waverley a bit late and the guard’s stamp was after midnight so I carried on to Euston  on the same ticket. I had a honking hangover and walked down to the Thames, feeling puiky. After some nosh I went to One of Peter Stringfellow’s seedy overpriced nightclubs in Leicester Square and watched some crap band until 3am and spent the rest of the night roughing it at Euston. After walking around London for a few hours, I realised I’d been on the road for 3 weeks and though still depressed, I knew there was nothing wrong with my spirit of adventure and I didn’t want to die.  So I finally plucked up the courage to phone home, expecting to face the music for putting them through worry. I got the train back West shortly after and had the big emotional family reunion. My dad had come to Scotland to look for me and found my mate in Edinburgh I’d stayed with. He was also in daily contact with the bank because they could see where I’d been drawing cash on their network.

 

I went to the doc the next day and was put on meds and signed off until mid March as I recovered my confidence and enthusiasm, with a fair few ups, downs and soul searching.. And this was 30 years ago, a time when mental health issues were far less recognised than they are today and frequently dismissed as made up by many.

 

So an irresponsible and reckless adventure in which I blew nearly a grand - a lot of cash 30 years ago. In a way I think it saved me. If I didn’t have that cash in the bank to waste, the outcome may very well have been different. 

 

I’ve had a few more bouts of depression since then, some with a week or 2 off work and meds but nothing too major since about 2007 because I’ve learnt to live with it. It’s certainly made me a shadow of what I once looked like I could be in life (I was highly academic but very shy at School but it all fell off a cliff when I got to Uni (as yet undiagnosed depression a likely cause) but I’m not even bothered about that. I have a large-ish 2 bed flat in a nice village in Oxfordshire debt free and I can travel off and do stuff whenever leave and opportunity permits, though I’m far from wealthy - it’s all done on the cheap. I drive a 25 year old car, care nothing for the finer things in life, usually staying with friends or in hostel dorms when I travel and generally don’t give the slightest toss for material goods and flashiness. I can’t stand aloof, pretentious, self aggrandising or big headed people. Or bullies, people who constantly put others down or other arseholish behaviours.  I have a strong sense of self acceptance.  Be grateful for what you do have (but of course strive for better if you can) and don’t beat yourself up for what you don’t have or haven’t achieved. I used to feel sad about having no wife or kids but no longer. I see the positives in complete freedom now. Those of you bringing up children have my utmost respect. Parenting is probably the hardest it’s ever been in our social media driven World. Try to avoid looking back and wish you had done things differently. I used to be the World’s worst for it and have luckily left it far behind.

 

If you are depressed then try to stay active and give yourself things to look forward to. Emphasise the positive. Most people are pretty decent and you are almost certainly  one of them. You deserve to be happy.

 

Change what can be changed. If something can’t be changed, accept it, embrace it and learn to live with it. Self acceptance. 

 

The media is always bombarding us with airbrushed images of perfection - big houses, flash cars, big wealth and very good looking people, all far from reality and beyond the reach of 99% of us. It really isn’t helpful.  Shrug your shoulders and walk on by. It’s all superficial bollocks.

 

 

Really enjoyed reading that , swindonjambo. All the best to you . 

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SwindonJambo
1 minute ago, Irufushi said:

 

Really enjoyed reading that , swindonjambo. All the best to you . 

Cheers bud.

 

When I was at the bottom of the pit of despair but managed to do all that, I thought, hmmm - there's life in this old dog yet (then aged 22!). My wee sister, then 17 and still at school and I hadn't been getting on too well with, turned out to be my biggest cheerleader and said what I did was brilliant and she'd have done it ages ago, in my shoes. 

 

Not so sure, But I survived and I'm still here?

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Morgan

@SwindonJambo Wow!  What a read that was.

 

Full marks to you for putting it on here and similarly for what you did.

 

I wish you nothing but the very best man, nothing but the best.

 

Morgan

 

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El Diez
1 hour ago, SwindonJambo said:

Dagger just happens to be a friend of mine. Chin up buddy. You’re one of the best and you need to know that.  I am similarly afflicted although everyone’s story is different. Here’s mine.

 

Back in November 1989, I had a job in a bank I hated. I was also very cut off socially at the time. Just 22, life seemed pointless and I was listless and devoid of enthusiasm or energy. I struggled to haul my arse out of bed in the morning and I still do. I used to beat myself up over the slightest thing and I wanted to be gone. However, I had a couple of grand in the bank and I thought “I couldn’t take it with me”. So one morning, after being dropped off for work, I thought, “Screw this”. I didn’t show up. Instead I walked to Swindon Station and got a train to London. I walked from Paddington to Euston and bought a hold-all, some clothes and toiletries (all I had was my bank uniform). I then got a sleeper train to Edinburgh and went round to see my mate from Belfast (still a close mate today), in his final year at Edinburgh Uni and we had a couple of nights out with me crashing on his floor. I didn’t tell him I was ‘on the run’. On Saturday I went down to Haymarket hoping to catch a Hearts bus with empty seats as many supporters clubs used to stop there to pick up loose fans. Musselburgh SC called, the distinguished Mixed Race Guy with the dreadlocks welcomed me aboard and off we went to Tannadice to watch the exciting front 3 of Robbo, Colquhoun and Crabbe take a half time lead. We had 4-5,000 up there and it gave me such a great feeling to be standing among the fans again and enjoying the banter. After dominating and going 1 up we inexplicably lost to a Bowman raker and a last minute breakaway goal by the fat Finn. That sent me on a downer again so I went to the chippy. But shock, horror, the bus left without me so I was stranded in Dundee in the clothes I stood up in and my hold-all and contents off to Musselburgh .

 

I walked to Dundee City Centre through some dog rough areas, booked into a B& B and finally got my stuff back from Musselburgh on Monday night after I tracked them down. On Tuesday I went to Aberdeen then spent the next fortnight criss crossing Scotland on trains on a reckless and unscripted tour. I must have covered nearly every mile of the Scotrail network. I was in Inverness, Thurso, Glasgow, Stranraer, Ayr, Fort William, Oban, Skye, Kyle of Lochalsh, Fort William, Mallaig, Helensburgh, Largs - you name it, I was there. It was also November/December, pretty chilly and days were short. I mostly stayed in B&Bs but I travelled on overnight trains  a couple of times and in Oban I stayed with some weirdo I met in a pub there while watching the 1990 World Cup Draw. I had no regard for my own dignity or safety. In Skye, I sat next to a burn in the arse end of nowhere (Broadford?)and drank 5 cans of lager. I later caught a bus to Uig and had to plead with the driver to let me off for a pee.

 

My last night in Scotland was in Largs where I stayed in a yucky seafront hotel. I went to an offie, bought a bottle of Drambuie and planned to gulp it all down and drink myself to oblivion. In the event I had 2 glasses and fell asleep ?The next day it was more silly travels via Greenock, Glasgow,dinner in Dundee and ending up at the pub at Waverley where I got chatting to a young Pompey based sailor who was a fellow Jambo. We boarded the overnight seated train to London and I drank the rest of my Drambuie and fell asleep. Most of the other passengers on our carriage left when we boarded and I got my bottle out.  A while later I was woken up by being shaken and found myself surrounded by cops. I was chained up, taken off the train, frogmarched along the platform past all the other carriages and  transported to Carlisle nick in the paddy wagon , relieved of my luggage, shoelaces, belt and pocket contents and locked in a cell for my 1st and hopefully last stay at Her Majesty’s pleasure. In fairness to Cumbria Constabulary’s finest, they were very good to me, let me off with a caution for ‘Drunk and Incapable’ and said I’d been arrested for my own safety. I also found out that the train made an unscheduled stop there so that I could be removed.

 

Luckily for me, the train had left Waverley a bit late and the guard’s stamp was after midnight so I carried on to Euston  on the same ticket. I had a honking hangover and walked down to the Thames, feeling puiky. After some nosh I went to One of Peter Stringfellow’s seedy overpriced nightclubs in Leicester Square and watched some crap band until 3am and spent the rest of the night roughing it at Euston. After walking around London for a few hours, I realised I’d been on the road for 3 weeks and though still depressed, I knew there was nothing wrong with my spirit of adventure and I didn’t want to die.  So I finally plucked up the courage to phone home, expecting to face the music for putting them through worry. I got the train back West shortly after and had the big emotional family reunion. My dad had come to Scotland to look for me and found my mate in Edinburgh I’d stayed with. He was also in daily contact with the bank because they could see where I’d been drawing cash on their network.

 

I went to the doc the next day and was put on meds and signed off until mid March as I recovered my confidence and enthusiasm, with a fair few ups, downs and soul searching.. And this was 30 years ago, a time when mental health issues were far less recognised than they are today and frequently dismissed as made up by many.

 

So an irresponsible and reckless adventure in which I blew nearly a grand - a lot of cash 30 years ago. In a way I think it saved me. If I didn’t have that cash in the bank to waste, the outcome may very well have been different. 

 

I’ve had a few more bouts of depression since then, some with a week or 2 off work and meds but nothing too major since about 2007 because I’ve learnt to live with it. It’s certainly made me a shadow of what I once looked like I could be in life (I was highly academic but very shy at School but it all fell off a cliff when I got to Uni (as yet undiagnosed depression a likely cause) but I’m not even bothered about that. I have a large-ish 2 bed flat in a nice village in Oxfordshire debt free and I can travel off and do stuff whenever leave and opportunity permits, though I’m far from wealthy - it’s all done on the cheap. I drive a 25 year old car, care nothing for the finer things in life, usually staying with friends or in hostel dorms when I travel and generally don’t give the slightest toss for material goods and flashiness. I can’t stand aloof, pretentious, self aggrandising or big headed people. Or bullies, people who constantly put others down or other arseholish behaviours.  I have a strong sense of self acceptance.  Be grateful for what you do have (but of course strive for better if you can) and don’t beat yourself up for what you don’t have or haven’t achieved. I used to feel sad about having no wife or kids but no longer. I see the positives in complete freedom now. Those of you bringing up children have my utmost respect. Parenting is probably the hardest it’s ever been in our social media driven World. Try to avoid looking back and wish you had done things differently. I used to be the World’s worst for it and have luckily left it far behind.

 

If you are depressed then try to stay active and give yourself things to look forward to. Emphasise the positive. Most people are pretty decent and you are almost certainly  one of them. You deserve to be happy.

 

Change what can be changed. If something can’t be changed, accept it, embrace it and learn to live with it. Self acceptance. 

 

The media is always bombarding us with airbrushed images of perfection - big houses, flash cars, big wealth and very good looking people, all far from reality and beyond the reach of 99% of us. It really isn’t helpful.  Shrug your shoulders and walk on by. It’s all superficial bollocks.

 

 

Without doubt, one of the best posts I’ve ever read on here.

 

Respect mate, respect. ✊? 

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