narre Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 Saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay this morning and I thought to myself, "I wonder what his handicap is?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 I collect old children's toys. If anybody has got any unwanted Toy Story characters, feel free to give me a Buzz! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 My wife is losing patience with my premature ejaculation problem... At first she took it on the chin, but now it gets on her tits! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 5 hours ago, narre said: My wife is losing patience with my premature ejaculation problem... At first she took it on the chin, but now it gets on her tits! 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 6 hours ago, narre said: My wife is losing patience with my premature ejaculation problem... At first she took it on the chin, but now it gets on her tits! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 9, 2021 Share Posted June 9, 2021 A Primary Teacher in Leith explains to her class that she is a hibs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are hibs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a hibs fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a hibs fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Hearts fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Hearts fan?' 'Because my mum is a Hearts fan, and my dad is a Hearts fan, so I'm a Hearts fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Hearts fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a hibs fan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 10, 2021 Share Posted June 10, 2021 8 hours ago, superjack said: A Primary Teacher in Leith explains to her class that she is a hibs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are hibs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a hibs fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a hibs fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Hearts fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Hearts fan?' 'Because my mum is a Hearts fan, and my dad is a Hearts fan, so I'm a Hearts fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Hearts fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a hibs fan. A classic 😆 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 10, 2021 Share Posted June 10, 2021 Just been told my son has swallowed his phone and it's got stuck in his throat... I'm gonna ring his neck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samgolden Posted June 10, 2021 Share Posted June 10, 2021 On 09/06/2021 at 10:37, narre said: My wife is losing patience with my premature ejaculation problem... At first she took it on the chin, but now it gets on her tits! Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 I've got a bottle of Newcastle Brown stuck in my foot... The doctor says it's an ingrowing toon ale! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 I was at a restaurant last night and the waiter asked if I would like to hear the specials. Yes please, I said. The waiter replied "this town, ahhhhhh, is better than a ghost town". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 On 10/06/2021 at 00:18, superjack said: A Primary Teacher in Leith explains to her class that she is a hibs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are hibs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a hibs fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a hibs fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Hearts fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Hearts fan?' 'Because my mum is a Hearts fan, and my dad is a Hearts fan, so I'm a Hearts fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Hearts fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a hibs fan. That’ll do nicely. 👏👏 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whodanny Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 On 09/06/2021 at 23:18, superjack said: A Primary Teacher in Leith explains to her class that she is a hibs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are hibs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a hibs fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a hibs fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Hearts fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Hearts fan?' 'Because my mum is a Hearts fan, and my dad is a Hearts fan, so I'm a Hearts fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Hearts fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a hibs fan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted June 12, 2021 Share Posted June 12, 2021 11 hours ago, superjack said: I was at a restaurant last night and the waiter asked if I would like to hear the specials. Yes please, I said. The waiter replied "this town, ahhhhhh, is better than a ghost town". Those lyrics are a bit more upbeat than I remember them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Don't irritate old people. "Life in prison" isn't much of a deterrent any more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mum." "How do you know?" "She didn't say anything." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted June 15, 2021 Share Posted June 15, 2021 Went for a job to polyfilla a fence but by the time I got there the post had already been filled. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted June 15, 2021 Share Posted June 15, 2021 On 12/06/2021 at 11:06, superjack said: I was at a restaurant last night and the waiter asked if I would like to hear the specials. Yes please, I said. The waiter replied "this town, ahhhhhh, is better than a ghost town". Same waiter brought along a tray of savoury items singing wig wam bam. He said 'Sweet Trolley, sir?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 AA Milne had a younger brother. AAA Milne. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Say What Again Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 55 minutes ago, I P Knightley said: AA Milne had a younger brother. AAA Milne. A fellow Radio 2 listener 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 7 hours ago, Say What Again said: A fellow Radio 2 listener 😁 Guilty as charged. "As charged"... geddit?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 1 minute ago, I P Knightley said: Guilty as charged. "As charged"... geddit?? Are you sure? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 17 minutes ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said: Are you sure? Quite sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: Quite sure. Not the positive response I was hoping for Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 17, 2021 Share Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Kalamazoo Jambo said: Not the positive response I was hoping for For every positive post, someone has to be negative. Edited June 17, 2021 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 We were sitting in an empty train carriage late at night when I said to my wife, "Come on love, get them out." She took her top off and slowly eased her tits out of her bra. "The tickets," I said. "The inspector's standing behind you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 8 hours ago, narre said: We were sitting in an empty train carriage late at night when I said to my wife, "Come on love, get them out." She took her top off and slowly eased her tits out of her bra. "The tickets," I said. "The inspector's standing behind you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your tennis elbow won't get better! Thank you for shopping at Asda " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 Did you hear Kerry Katona's getting married? She'll be Cantonese Did you hear about Michael Flatley? He fell over his lawnmower Both made up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 A budgie walks into a pet shop wearing a balaclava and holding a shot gun… "Open the ****ing trill!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muppetboy Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 Why was lieutenant uhura from Star Trek pissed off? Cos william shatner Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 1 hour ago, Muppetboy said: Why was lieutenant uhura from Star Trek pissed off? Cos william shatner 21st century sanitation of a classic playground joke now recognised as racist. The old ones are (no longer acceptable) the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidoug Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 On 19/06/2021 at 22:16, superjack said: Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep playing with yourself, your tennis elbow won't get better! Thank you for shopping at Asda " Superb. And so is Narre's below. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction… It was a total flop, and nobody came! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 A guy returns home from the doctors. His mate asks, "Why are you looking so miserable?" "The doctor says I have to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of my life. " His mate adds, "That's not too bad." The guy says, "It is - he's only given me four tablets!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!" He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 On 20/06/2021 at 14:10, jb102 said: 21st century sanitation of a classic playground joke now recognised as racist. The old ones are (no longer acceptable) the best. True. In the 21st century, it doesn't need to be Uhuru for the joke to work; it could be anyone on the enterprise. Or even Heather Locklear. "Why was Heather Locklear all horny on the set of TJ Hooker? 'cos William Shatner." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted June 22, 2021 Share Posted June 22, 2021 The Lighthouse family are to become pilots They've been told they can fly so high Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 My mate said onions are the only food that can make you cry....... so I threw a coconut at him. Now there's 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 Men in their 20's play football....... Men in their 40's play tennis...... Men in their 60's play golf........ Have you noticed that as you get older...... your balls get smaller. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 I feel so strongly about graffiti in public toilets that I've signed a partition! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 A man went to an antiques shop to buy a kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted, and asked the price. "£2,000, sir." "Never!" exclaimed the man, "that's unbelievably expensive." "That's true," replied the assistant, "but this is not just any kitchen table. This piece of furniture has special powers." "Get away! Show me." The assistant went up to the table and said, "How many floors are there in this building?" Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building. The man wasn't totally convinced. "OK, ask it how much money I've got in my wallet." The question was asked and the table jumped up eleven times. "That's incredible," said the man, "it's true, I've got two £5 notes and a £1 coin. I must have that table." So the man paid £2,000 and the antique kitchen table was delivered the next day. While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the new piece of furniture. "It's very special," said the man. "Here, I'll show you." He thought for a moment and then said, "How much money has my wife got in her bank account?" The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 30 minutes later. "But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?" he said, flabbergasted. Suddenly, the table stopped moving, its legs fell apart and its drawers fell to the floor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 Before Covid we coughed to cover up our farts. Now, we fart....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted June 23, 2021 Share Posted June 23, 2021 11 hours ago, superjack said: A man went to an antiques shop to buy a kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted, and asked the price. "£2,000, sir." "Never!" exclaimed the man, "that's unbelievably expensive." "That's true," replied the assistant, "but this is not just any kitchen table. This piece of furniture has special powers." "Get away! Show me." The assistant went up to the table and said, "How many floors are there in this building?" Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building. The man wasn't totally convinced. "OK, ask it how much money I've got in my wallet." The question was asked and the table jumped up eleven times. "That's incredible," said the man, "it's true, I've got two £5 notes and a £1 coin. I must have that table." So the man paid £2,000 and the antique kitchen table was delivered the next day. While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the new piece of furniture. "It's very special," said the man. "Here, I'll show you." He thought for a moment and then said, "How much money has my wife got in her bank account?" The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 30 minutes later. "But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?" he said, flabbergasted. Suddenly, the table stopped moving, its legs fell apart and its drawers fell to the floor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 Spent the afternoon in the zoo treating monkeys with depression… I'm always there when the chimps are down! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 I said to the girl at the Tesco checkout, "Can you do this any cheaper? It has got today's date on it?" She replied, "Look Sir do you want the newspaper or not?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 BREAKING NEWS: Yesterday a group of visitors were accidentally locked in a storage freezer while visiting the Colgate factory... Tooth company freeze a crowd! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 Which Icelandic singer was named after a UK city? A: Leeds B: York 😄 Manchester Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 3 hours ago, narre said: Which Icelandic singer was named after a UK city? A: Leeds B: York 😄 Manchester Woooshhhh….. can someone help me with this……I’m not the sharpest tool in the hedge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted June 24, 2021 Share Posted June 24, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, highlandjambo3 said: Woooshhhh….. can someone help me with this……I’m not the sharpest tool in the hedge read them out including the letters a, b and c (which the smiley face is supposed to be) Edited June 24, 2021 by milky_26 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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