superjack Posted March 7, 2021 Share Posted March 7, 2021 Little Patrick asks his Dad for a new bike, "We'd get you one son but our mortgage is £100,000 and your Mum's lost her job". Next morning Patrick's walking out with his suitcase packed and his Dad asks where he is going, "I walked past your room last night and I heard you telling Mum that you were pulling out, then I heard Mum telling you she was coming too! I'm not staying here on my own with a £100,000 morgage and no bike!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 7, 2021 Share Posted March 7, 2021 My wife has been missing for over a week, and this morning the police said I should prepare myself for the worst... So, I'm heading to the charity shop to get her clothes back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 7, 2021 Share Posted March 7, 2021 My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive... Apparently the response of, "Dont worry babe, your tits cover it!" wasn't the answer she was looking for! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 7, 2021 Share Posted March 7, 2021 5 hours ago, narre said: My wife has been missing for over a week, and this morning the police said I should prepare myself for the worst... So, I'm heading to the charity shop to get her clothes back! Gold! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 7, 2021 Share Posted March 7, 2021 I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their moustache, and suddenly, she's not your friend anymore! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 Italian fella: "When I finish makin aluv toa ma girlfriend I gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy!" French fella: "Zat iz nothin, when I finish with ze girl I kis her all ze way down her body an lick ze soles of her feet, she floats 12 inches above the bed in ecstasy!" Englishman: "When I've done riding our lass I wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits tha f*ckin roof!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 Ive been swotting up on Welsh place names.I'm now fully Clwyd up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seymour M Hersh Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 What do you call a sleep walking nun? A roaming catholic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race... Apparently he has been using performance enhancing rugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging. Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank... I gave her a right mouthful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 My wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis... For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted March 10, 2021 Share Posted March 10, 2021 5 minutes ago, narre said: My wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis... For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Is Back Posted March 11, 2021 Share Posted March 11, 2021 The wife and I have started joinery lessons. One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters” I said “We’ve only just begun” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Is Back Posted March 11, 2021 Share Posted March 11, 2021 Is it true an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or is it one of Granny’s myths? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 I BEFORE E except when your weirdly conceited feisty neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit caffeinated beige sleighs from some inconceivably deceitful foreign weightlifters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 As I walked into work, my colleague said, "Mark you look like shit." "Last night was fluking crazy." "What happened?" "Me, my mates Steve and Trevor got very drunk & went back to Trevors girlfriends flat for a threesome." "Don't you mean a foursome?" "No mate. She was out!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 Last night I told my wife I was feeling horny. "Well, we can soon sort that out," she said with a wink, and slowly undressed. buck me, she was right... I stopped feeling horny immediately! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 My 4 year old was struggling to open a yoghurt lid today when he suddenly mumbled, "Flucking shitty lid!" My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he got that from?" I replied, "The flucking fridge, you silly bunt!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 I'm a bit down today. Someone intentionally spread glue all over my favourite deck of cards, and I'm finding it hard to deal with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cockey But I have turned myself around And that's what it's all about Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Sometime after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. “Astonishing!” said the truck driver to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?” The crew chief said, “Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Is Back Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Every 10 years you get a form to fill in from the Government John Denver has just completed ours He filled up our Census Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Is Back Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 The wife and I have started joinery lessons One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters” I said “We’ve only just begun” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Is Back Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Is it true an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or is it one of Granny’s myths? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 1 hour ago, Dagger Is Back said: The wife and I have started joinery lessons One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters” I said “We’ve only just begun” 1 hour ago, Dagger Is Back said: Is it true an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Or is it one of Granny’s myths? You posted those 2 last week mate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Worthing Jambo Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 9 minutes ago, Lemongrab said: You posted those 2 last week mate. Repeat prescription for the chuckle muscles? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dagger Is Back Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 1 hour ago, Lemongrab said: You posted those 2 last week mate. 🤦♂️🤦♂️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 On 10/03/2021 at 21:30, narre said: I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging. Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank... I gave her a right mouthful! 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Anybody can masturbate under a sheet, but it takes real skill to do it without the barber noticing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen... Pop round anytime. The kettle's always on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit, "What's your blood type?" "I'm probably a Type O," said the rabbit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 My wife hates it when I say, "You're just like your mother!" Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 On 12/03/2021 at 20:22, Ulysses said: I BEFORE E except when your weirdly conceited feisty neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit caffeinated beige sleighs from some inconceivably deceitful foreign weightlifters. I want to be there when you crack that one at your next dinner party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willie wallace Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 7 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said: Every 10 years you get a form to fill in from the Government John Denver has just completed ours He filled up our Census 7 hours ago, Dagger Is Back said: The wife and I have started joinery lessons One of the neighbours said “I didn’t know you were carpenters” I said “We’ve only just begun” 😀😀 I can see the the younger members struggling with these two. Unfortunately i remember them well.😥 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 A man and his wife are getting ready for a party... Wife: "Does this dress make me look fat?" Man: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?" Wife: "Yes, I promise!" Man: "I flucked your sister!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Whats a pirates favourite letter? The C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 What band are the best at making shelves? The carpenters * * Made up on the spot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 I call my balls Wonkas. They're between a willy and a chocolate factory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 On 18/03/2021 at 04:09, narre said: A man and his wife are getting ready for a party... Wife: "Does this dress make me look fat?" Man: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?" Wife: "Yes, I promise!" Man: "I flucked your sister!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 1 hour ago, rudi must stay said: Whats a pirates favourite letter? The C R Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Did you hear that Sting has been kidnapped? Police have no lead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Can cold water really clean dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get em. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear 'nother word about it!" Later that afternoon, as John was on his way leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted .... "COLDWATER! SIT!!.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler...... I woke up exhausted!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 Girls say size don't matter... Ever seen a 2 inch dildo? No, me neither! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 A man couldn't satisfy his wife so goes to buy the biggest dildo he can. After looking round he spots one on the counter - Chrome colour, 6" wide, 18" long with a detatchable foreskin. "I'll take it!" he says. The guy on the till says, "You can't have that sir. Thats my flask!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 My missus said, "Will you shut up about snooker and make love to me!" "Of course love," I replied. "Would you prefer I took the easy pink or shall I try for the tight brown?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 A man was arrested yesterday for falling into a combine harvester, he's due to be bailed tomorrow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 14 hours ago, superjack said: Did you hear that Sting has been kidnapped? Police have no lead. Panic over. They got a message in a bottle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 I put a net up in my back garden to see if I could catch the grim reaper. Bloody council told me to take it down, apparently it’s a death trap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 The actor who played Captain Kirk in Star Trek has announced that his women’s lingerie business has been a total failure... In hindsight, maybe 'Shatner Knickers' wasn't the best name for the venture! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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