Horatio Caine Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 yes it won Standards are clearly slipping if that was the best joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye. Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Guy gets his tablets mixed up. Takes Viagra ones instead of the sleeping ones. Ends up having 40 wanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 The maths teacher is trying hard to make nine-year-old Johnny learn his sums: "Johnny, if I gave you two cats on Monday, two cats on Tuesday and two cats on Wednesday, how many cats would you have?" "Seven miss," says Johnny. "Let's try that again: if I gave you two apples on Monday, two apples on Tuesday and two apples on Wednesday, how many apples would you have?" "Six miss," says Johnny. "Look , Johnny, if you can get the six apples question right, why do you say seven cats?" "Because I already have a cat," says Johnny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Guy gets his tablets mixed up. Takes Viagra ones instead of the sleeping ones. Ends up having 40 wanks. Another guy swigs from a bottle of Tip-pex instead of his liquid Viagra. Ends up with a massive correction. (apologies if that's been here before; sounds familiar; I may even have posted it myself). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mars plastic Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Lionel Richie is opening an Islamic butchers. Going to call it Halal, is it meat you're looking for? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Lionel Richie is opening an Islamic butchers. Going to call it Halal, is it meat you're looking for? :. Very good. You don't often pop up in here. Christ, Jonno will be all over my comment like a cheap suit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mars plastic Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 : . Very good. You don't often pop up in here. Christ, Jonno will be all over my comment like a cheap suit. It's about the only one I know. I mind telling somebody that joke years ago and I thought they were going to pass oot laughing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 :. Very good. You don't often pop up in here. Christ, Jonno will be all over my comment like a cheap suit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 It's about the only one I know. I mind telling somebody that joke years ago and I thought they were going to pass oot laughing. I just relayed it to my wife the now. She just passed out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Jonno? We're Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Two guys get talking whilst sitting in a bar. Where you from? asks one Ireland he replies. So am I. Guy orders two pints of Guinness. Where about in Ireland? Cork came the reply. Me too. Two more pints of Guinness. Where about in Cork? Blackrock Castle area comes the reply. Jeepers, me too. Two more Guinness. What school in Blackrock? St. Michaels Primary comes the reply. Me too. More Guinness. This goes on for hours. Next morning, pub owner rocks up for work and says to his barman 'how was last night'? Tremendous business boss, you better order more Guinness though. The Murphy twins were in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mars plastic Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 (edited) I just relayed it to my wife the now. She just passed out. I detect a level of sarcasm. Edited August 25, 2017 by NewYorkFleaPit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 I detect a level of sarcasm. Just a wee laugh She actually did find it funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Horatio Caine Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Lionel Richie is opening an Islamic butchers. Going to call it Halal, is it meat you're looking for? First heard that from Bill Bailey at the Playhouse a few years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted August 25, 2017 Share Posted August 25, 2017 Two guys get talking whilst sitting in a bar. Where you from? asks one Ireland he replies. So am I. Guy orders two pints of Guinness. Where about in Ireland? Cork came the reply. Me too. Two more pints of Guinness. Where about in Cork? Blackrock Castle area comes the reply. Jeepers, me too. Two more Guinness. What school in Blackrock? St. Michaels Primary comes the reply. Me too. More Guinness. This goes on for hours. Next morning, pub owner rocks up for work and says to his barman 'how was last night'? Tremendous business boss, you better order more Guinness though. The Murphy twins were in. I know the school. St. Michael's is about a mile from Blackrock Castle. I know that's not a joke, but I'm just saying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 How does a woman hold her liqueur? By his ears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Lady goes to her golf pro for a lesson. First swing - air shot and club goes flying down the range. OK Mrs Jones thats fine but you need to grip the club a bit tighter. Second shot - 20 yards. OK Mrs Jones we are making progress but a bit tighter on the grip please. Third shot - 30 yards. I'll tell you what Mrs Jones - grip the club as if it is your husbands dick. Try that. Fourth shot - 200 yards. Thats perfect Mrs Jones, but please take the club out your mouth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jb102 Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Woman golfer runs into the pro shop. She says,"can you help me please I've been stung by a wasp?" "Where were you stung?"asks the Pro. "Between the first and second holes" she replies. "Your stance is far too wide"says the pro. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10 Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!!! That's the best I've done so far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner... So I took the battery out of the smoke detector! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regal Kingston Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 (edited) What's blue and yellow and attached to a tight c * * t? A LIDLS BAG. Edited August 26, 2017 by Regal Kingston Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I know the school. St. Michael's is about a mile from Blackrock Castle. I know that's not a joke, but I'm just saying. Quite interesting though. I didn't know my joke was so factual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armageddon Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I know the school. St. Michael's is about a mile from Blackrock Castle. I know that's not a joke, but I'm just saying. You know the school?? So do I!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 You know the school?? So do I!!! What a coincidence! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 You know the school?? So do I!!! What a coincidence! JKB's first twins? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawdust Caesar Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Guy gets his tablets mixed up. Takes Viagra ones instead of the sleeping ones. Ends up having 40 wanks. Another guy swigs from a bottle of Tip-pex instead of his liquid Viagra. Ends up with a massive correction. Another guy died after taking Viagra. He was walking across his bedroom to close the curtains when he tripped and pole-vaulted out the window. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maroongoals Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 Kids come back to school after the holidays, the teacher says tell us what you did during the break, eventually its wee Johnnies turn and he says miss, me and my mates had great fun we caught a cat and stuck bangers up its bum. The teacher said tut tut Johnnie it?s not bum its rectum. Johnnie says rectum? It blew him to pieces.! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown user Posted August 28, 2017 Author Share Posted August 28, 2017 I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BM1874 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Beni of Gorgie Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if already posted. Did you hear about the incontinent crab with the speech impediment? He pished his shell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Watt-Zeefuik Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 A Rangers fan, a Celtic fan, a Jambo, and Hibee walk into a bar. Each orders a beer. Four flies fly in the door and one lands in each beer. The Hun yells at the bartender, "Oy! My pure British pint now has this filth in it! You best bring me a clean one or there'll be trouble!" The Tim next to him says, "Oh, I see how it is! You lot are persecuting the flies again!" A fist fight erupts. Down the bar, the Jambo happily reaches in, grabs the fly, tosses it over his shoulder and says, "not going to bother me!" He looks down at the Hibee, who's hunched over the glass, holding the fly just above it shouting, "spit it out, you greedy little *******, spit it out!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Just found out that Leith and Las Vegas have something in common! You can pay for sex with chips Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pharmaceutical01 Posted September 1, 2017 Share Posted September 1, 2017 Why don't you go out with a dwarf with learning difficulties??? Cos it's not big and it's not clever! Sent from my F5121 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 Hibs I win Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink. "Not really." I replied. "Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want." Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror. As I shouted "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 Hibs I win You do indeed sir!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Of The Cat Cafe Posted September 2, 2017 Share Posted September 2, 2017 Then there was the Hibs supporter who was a railway conductor back in the days of steam trains. One of his jobs was to blow his whistle when all passengers were on board to signal to the driver he could start off. One day at Haymarket he discovered his whistle had no pea in it. He rushed out to the nearest shop but they had no peas, just split peas. He took them anyway and put one in his whistle. The first time he blew it, only half the train pulled out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 My grandfather used to say, "first rule of theatre - always leave them wanting more." Great guy but a terrible anaesthetist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain America Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 Lionel Richie is opening an Islamic butchers. Going to call it Halal, is it meat you're looking for? Heard something similar about Jon Snow opening up a bakery on Game of Thrones called..... You Know Muffins. Jon Snow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morgan Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 My grandfather used to say, "first rule of theatre - always leave them wanting more." Great guy but a terrible anaesthetist. Laughed at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 Three friends in their local were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Archie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Paul commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.." Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 I asked my mate how he was getting on living in North Korea. He said, "Can't complain." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 Bought a Thesaurus at the weekend. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 The dyslexic trawlerman who tried to learn the alphabet? Got lost at C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bauld Posted September 4, 2017 Share Posted September 4, 2017 I wrote a book called 'My permanently exposed penis'. It's out now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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