Jump to content

Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


Unknown user

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 5.6k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • narre

    629

  • superjack

    628

  • Morgan

    283

  • Maple Leaf

    228

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Unknown user

10 coos in a field, which one is from the Middle East?

 

 

Coo eight.

Love the rural ones :pleasing:

 

2 coos in a field, which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf

 

Or the magic tractor- it turned into a field

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Салатные палочки

Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole

 

"aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance" 

 

"Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance" 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Statts1976uk

Who's the coolest guy in hospital? The Ultra sound bloke.

Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital? The hip replacement guy!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sticking with my rural theme.

 

Two cows in a field, one says to the other "don't you worry about this mad cow disease?"

 

The other says " why would it worry me? I'm a sheep"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Салатные палочки

Guy walks into the pub with a giraffe on a lead.  Leaves it sitting at a table and goes to order a pint.

 

Barman says, you cant leave that lyin there.  

 

Guy says, its not a lion its a giraffe.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Graeme Russell

Dog walks into a bar and orders a pint and a packet of crisps." Wow" says the barman, "You should be in a Circus"

 

Dog, "Why"  "Are they looking for Electricians"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two pieces of vomit walking down the road, one says to the other " see that shop doorway?" Aye says the other, what aboot it? "That's where I was brought up!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie.

 

Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies"

 

"Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead"

 

He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit.

 

"Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?"

 

"Because your all out of pies"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I P Knightley

I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone.

 

I ended up with a colander app.

 

All it does is drain the battery.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two monkeys in a bath

 

One turns to the other and says 'OOO AAHHH AHH AHH!'

 

The other says 'Put some cold in then' 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I made a typing mistake when trying to upload a calendar app to my phone.

 

I ended up with a colander app.

 

All it does is drain the battery.

 

Hahahaha. I like that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I P Knightley

Hahahaha. I like that!

I know. I abused the thread; I don't think it's at all crap.But I'm not ashamed that I did so it's completely alright in my eyes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What did the constipated mathematician do?

 

Worked it out with a pencil.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Templeton Peck

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

A carrot 

 

 

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

 

Halloumi 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unknown user

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

 

A carrot

 

 

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

 

Halloumi

Prince of crap jokes that

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two parrots sat on a perch.

 

One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell fish"

 

Two snowmen. One of the turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots"

 

What's is yellow and smells like blue paint?

Yellow paint.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sexton Hardcastle

My mate was at the dentist the other day. He said he got a Boston cavity. I asked if it was expensive? "More than a filling"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What?s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

 

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cairneyhill Jambo

I remember the time when my brother got sent to jail... He flipped completely and smeared his own sh*t all over the walls........











We've never played Monopoly again.....
 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

 

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who

Lettuce in

 

 

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

 

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

 

 

A horse walks into a bar, several people get and and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation.

 

An Irishman leaves a bar.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pie.

 

Barman says "sorry mate I'm all out of pies"

 

"Ok" the guy replies "give me a packet of crisps instead"

 

He drinks the pint, puts the crisps on his head and makes for the exit.

 

"Excuse me mate" the barman calls after him "why have you put the crisps on your head?"

 

"Because your all out of pies"

:what:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All roads lead to Gorgie

What kind of dinosaur always had difficulty sitting down ?

 

The Tyranno sore ass.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your not going to make me ruin a perfectly shite joke by having me explain it are you? :lol:

I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed.

 

The joke is absurd ... that's why it's funny.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? 

 

Mascarpone

 

What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?

 

Camembert 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you're going to have to. I feel embarrassed.

<sigh> ;)

 

He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Craig Gordons Gloves

What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse? 

 

Mascarpone

 

What kind of cheese do you use to get a bear out of a cave?

 

Camembert 

 

Brilliant!! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

<sigh> ;)

 

He put the crisps on his head because the barman had no pies. If he had pies then he would have put the pie on his head.

What a horrendous joke :lol:

Would the pie have HP sauce in it though ;)

Edited by BarasaMad
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do you know there is an elephant in your living room?

 

His bikes in the hall.

 

How do you know there are two elephants in your living room?

 

The back tyre is flat.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.




×
×
  • Create New...