depression

[Paolo]

Well here goes.

 

I am not feeling the best today either. Quite shite, actually. I have had my moments on and off for a long time now, and I could be in a lot of bother as a result.

 

When feeling low or down, I look for distraction. Work is one. Football and this place is another.

 

A bad one for me is the bookies, and after many months off, I done the most stupid of things last night and visited one. I am too ashamed and embarrased to say how much I spent, but I have very little left to see me for nearly four weeks and a lot of bills will not be getting paid this month.

 

I am already in financial bother, partly, no, mainly, because of this. I am on a payment plan with StepChange, which I will not meet this month, for the second time, since commencing it. I worry this will not be acceptable to them, or my creditors, which could severely feck me up.

 

It is all self inflicted, and I am a total arse. I have got help before for this (GA and phone councillor as Samaratins), but then go through a good and disciplined spell, so all seems well, then BANG, I feck up again.

 

This is not something I can or want to share with family. A few friends know, but I doubt they know the severity of the situation, hence my rant on here. It is something I don't like speaking about. It upsets me and makes me angry inside.

 

I do need to find the underlying issues though, and why I deal with them in the way that I do, or it could well be a very bleak future.

 

I am ashamed though. I am not a stupid person (well maybe I am), but I do the most stupid and irresponsible of things sometimes.

 

A man of my age should not be feeling or behaving this way.

[Neilson's Shank]

Feel for you Simon Says, hope you can move on.

[Paolo]

Thank you Neilson. Every time I do though, I feck up. I may have just done permanent damage last night. I pray I haven't, but deep down, I fear I have. If I have and it impacts anyone else, I don't think I will ever forgive myself. I can't sleep as it is.

[Guest GhostHunter]

SS - it takes a brave man to step up on something like this and post that.

 

Can you get in touch with GA and the Samaritans again, today ?

 

At least speak to someone who has knowledge of your case, and can perhaps help with how you're feeling today ?

 

Going forwards, maybe now that you've posted here, when you get those urges to go out and gamble, you can post here, on this thread, and I'm pretty sure one of us, will get you back down again.

 

Not easy today bud, but you need to speak to someone...

[Beverley]

Good of you to share your trouble SS. Takes balls to admit a problem.

 

This thread is great to come and share without any fear of judgement.

 

I hope things work out for you

[Dusk_Till_Dawn]

Well here goes.

 

I am not feeling the best today either. Quite shite, actually. I have had my moments on and off for a long time now, and I could be in a lot of bother as a result.

 

When feeling low or down, I look for distraction. Work is one. Football and this place is another.

 

A bad one for me is the bookies, and after many months off, I done the most stupid of things last night and visited one. I am too ashamed and embarrased to say how much I spent, but I have very little left to see me for nearly four weeks and a lot of bills will not be getting paid this month.

 

I am already in financial bother, partly, no, mainly, because of this. I am on a payment plan with StepChange, which I will not meet this month, for the second time, since commencing it. I worry this will not be acceptable to them, or my creditors, which could severely feck me up.

 

It is all self inflicted, and I am a total arse. I have got help before for this (GA and phone councillor as Samaratins), but then go through a good and disciplined spell, so all seems well, then BANG, I feck up again.

 

This is not something I can or want to share with family. A few friends know, but I doubt they know the severity of the situation, hence my rant on here.

 

I do need to find the underlying issues though, and why I deal with them in the way that I do, or it could well be a very bleak future.

 

I am ashamed though. I am not a stupid person (well maybe I am), but I do the most stupid and irresponsible of things sometimes.

 

Don't be ashamed mate. It's hardly like you're choosing to be like this.

 

Maybe your family would be supportive. That's the only suggestion I can make but you know better than me.

[Captain Canada]

Don't feel ashamed about it. I went through something similar to you last year. I felt down all the time and found gambling exciting and a great distraction.

 

One thing I got told at the time was not to beat myself up about it. My poor mental health was causing my compulsive behaviour and it wasn't the real me.

 

Now I'm feeling better I don't feel the need to gamble any more. I know everyone's different but for me, dealing with the root cause of my gambling and heavy drinking was the key to changing my behaviours rather than dealing with them on their own as individual issues.

 

The best advice I can give you is to seek help from someone to get to the root cause of the way you feel before you gamble heavily.

 

Best of luck to you mate. Don't try and fight it on your own.

[chester copperpot]

Well I just thought that I would give you all an update regarding my situation with my mother. She has not spoken to me in 4 months (since my dads funeral) and I hear via a ******* facebook update from my auntie that my mother is indeed, officially in a relationship with this boy I had heard various pieces of information about from cousins and friends who had seen my mum out with him prior to my dads death.

 

I consider myself to be a fairly forgiving person, and fairly reasonable person, however I said to her after the funeral I am fine with what she does, as long as she's honest with me and doesn't let me hear via a different party.

 

Now I also consider my family not to be one that would feature much on Jeremy Kyle, but this is ******* Jeremy Kyle material. To read my auntie's update (albeit she was pissed at 01.26am on Saturday morning) was like a knife to my stomach.

 

I cannot bring myself to talk about it to anyone, I have had no work coming in over the summer, the bills are building up and I've basically buried my head in the sand for these past few months. Go back to work next Tuesday (thank god) but I'm in serious danger of losing my house, and have been struggling to eat (yes eat) over these past few weeks.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't drink no more (thank ****) or else I think that would tip me over the edge!

[Robbo-Jambo]

Make yourself speak to somebody about it mate.

 

Whether it is a G P or a counsellor or even a close friend.

 

Force the issue to unload to somebody because bottling it up is the worse thing you can do and you might find the pressure on yourself spiralling out of control if you don't.

 

The natural reaction is to keep it to yourself but trust me confiding in someone you trust will help no end.

 

Take it from someone who knows an has been in a similar situation ie. me !!

 

Good luck and keep your chin up.

Edited August 21, 2014 by Robbo-Jambo

[Ulysses]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NavVfpp-1L4

 

[chester copperpot]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NavVfpp-1L4

 

 

 

Unbelievably Ully, this is my favourite song of all time!

 

Nice one

[Ulysses]

Unbelievably Ully, this is my favourite song of all time!

 

Nice one

 

Thanks CC, though regrettably I was posting the song for personally sadder reasons. Many years ago I was introduced to that song and to more music by Pink Floyd by a friend of mine. Last Wednesday he was found dead, having taken his own life.

 

Back when we were teenagers and had our whole lives in front of us, among the many things we had in common was a deep fondness and regard for the music of David Byrne. This afternoon I went to his cremation in Glasnevin Cemetery, and the service closed with an acoustic rendition by his son of this song:

 

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVrVY540xdc"

 

May he rest in peace.

[Shapes]

 

 

Thanks CC, though regrettably I was posting the song for personally sadder reasons. Many years ago I was introduced to that song and to more music by Pink Floyd by a friend of mine. Last Wednesday he was found dead, having taken his own life.

 

Back when we were teenagers and had our whole lives in front of us, among the many things we had in common was a deep fondness and regard for the music of David Byrne. This afternoon I went to his cremation in Glasnevin Cemetery, and the service closed with an acoustic rendition by his son of this song:

 

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVrVY540xdc"

 

May he rest in peace.

 

Sorry to hear that Uly

[Boaby Ewing]

Andy, fwiw if you can I'd try talk to your Mum. I know that sounds easier to say than do but grief makes some people act in ways that might seem out of character. None of this sounds fair. Sorry for the shite you're having to go through.

[Ulysses]

Sorry to hear that Uly

 

Appreciated, thanks.

 

 

Andy, fwiw if you can I'd try talk to your Mum. I know that sounds easier to say than do but grief makes some people act in ways that might seem out of character. None of this sounds fair. Sorry for the shite you're having to go through.

 

I'd like to go along with this advice. I know it might be difficult, and maybe it won't even work, but I think it's better to try than not to try.

[Floyd]

Have to agree with others here CC, if you don't make the attempt and then something happens to her, you will regret not at least having tried.

 

A wise man once said, it's better to have tried and failed than never tried at all.

[Jambof3tornado]

I'm always glad to get a wee read at this thread. Not a depression sufferer although did struggle badly after my grandad died and i got sent to the gulf for 4 months (not sure i ever got an opportunity to grieve).

My wife suffers from anxiety and depression and this whole thread more than anything else helps me to understand a little of whats going on. A lot of her troubles are work related (very stressful job as a mental health staff nurse),and its often other peoples troubles that burden her and wear her down.

 

ok sleep time.

 

 

[chester copperpot]

Have to agree with others here CC, if you don't make the attempt and then something happens to her, you will regret not at least having tried.

 

A wise man once said, it's better to have tried and failed than never tried at all.

 

 

I'd love to guys but she's putting me to voicemail everytime I attempt to phone her. I sent her a rather nice text saying I was cool with everything and all I want is for her to be happy (im so not cool with it btw) and still nothing 5 days later.

 

Thinking about giving up (with her not life lol)

 

I would hate for my 2 to ever have to go through this by themselves but hey ho trying to stay a bit philosophical about things.

[Pele_Is_God]

Been on Citalopram 20mg for 2 years, last month decided to try and come off them. Set up a plan with G.P and not had a tablet for over 2 weeks now. Last 2 days been feeling terrible.. really down, heachaches, dizzy. I really don't want to go back on the tablet but I'm scared I end up worse than I was before. Due at my G.P on friday morning so see what they say....

[chester copperpot]

Been on Citalopram 20mg for 2 years, last month decided to try and come off them. Set up a plan with G.P and not had a tablet for over 2 weeks now. Last 2 days been feeling terrible.. really down, heachaches, dizzy. I really don't want to go back on the tablet but I'm scared I end up worse than I was before. Due at my G.P on friday morning so see what they say....

 

 

 

I found citalopram made me worse when I was on them, so made a break from them completely in January.

 

I don't know if any of these worked for me, as tried a few different type of AD but nothing seemed to work, despite kicking the bevvy over 2 years ago!

 

I don't know what the answer is man, as I exercise regularly, don't sit about the house, stay active, eat better and still no improvement. Good luck though, whatever happens

[Gizmo]

Been on Citalopram 20mg for 2 years, last month decided to try and come off them. Set up a plan with G.P and not had a tablet for over 2 weeks now. Last 2 days been feeling terrible.. really down, heachaches, dizzy. I really don't want to go back on the tablet but I'm scared I end up worse than I was before. Due at my G.P on friday morning so see what they say....

 

I'm just recently off the citalopram (20mg) - been off 2 weeks and a day actually after tapering over 3 week period. I got some headaches and some downs, dodgy tummy but most of that has passed.

 

I've been monitoring my mood and I'd say that a lot of my reactions - to frustrations and stress - I think are conditioned - and I've been keeping an eye on things. Some character traits have come back - some good, some bad - so I 'm trying hard to know who I am.

 

There were a couple of days since coming off that, if someone had asked me "if it wouldn't hurt anyone, would you want to cease to exist tomorrow" I would have answered: Yes. Had one trip into town where I felt absolutely adrift so I am taking small steps and ensuring that in any given situation I feel in control. If I let things pile up - even minor things - the stress overwhelms me. So I need to control that and consider my reaction, remember my breathing exercises. The key for me is absolutely dealing with the stress which triggers the depression.

 

But on the flip side I feel sharper mentally, more focused and slightly more motivated. Less sedated - I have been parked on those meds for years and there was no future in it for me.

 

I've also realised I feel better when I am busy or have things to focus on - otherwise I hide on the PC and don't socialise.at all. Like I say, another 4 decades of that (or less potentially, will cover in a mo) was not palatable.

 

I think it's important not to rush back and to look at how you feel over the next wee while, in conjunction with discussions with your GP. There are different medications if you do decide you need them, or you might find something like CBT for stress.anxiety helps keep the blues at bay. Pele_Is_God since you are going through this at pretty much the same time as I am, I'd be more than willing to stay in touch over PM or email if you thought that would help, share experiences etc?

 

I also came on to ask a query related too but not entirely about depression but the after effects. I was going to start another thread but thought the helpful, non-judgemental approach we have in this thread might not carry over to it.

 

Perhaps a mod could advise if I should start a new thread which relates to side-effects, health and ramifications of depression on health or should I post here? If a new thread is deemed appropriate, perhaps a word at the start to ask for people to tread gently?

 

Thx.

[Juan Rom?n Riquelme]

Been on Citalopram 20mg for 2 years, last month decided to try and come off them. Set up a plan with G.P and not had a tablet for over 2 weeks now. Last 2 days been feeling terrible.. really down, heachaches, dizzy. I really don't want to go back on the tablet but I'm scared I end up worse than I was before. Due at my G.P on friday morning so see what they say....

 

It's hard when you first stop them. Really hard sometimes with the side effects.

 

I haven't taken any since the turn of the year and it was a real struggle at first and I thought things had gone back to square one i.e. not being able to get out of bed.

 

Now though, I'd say I'm a lot better than I have been since I first became ill. Obviously have bad days and some very dark thoughts at times as anyone depression sufferer does but when I was on the medication I used to just lie in bed not really being bothered about if I'd wake up the next day.

 

Stick in there man. If it gets too much and you feel you need to start taking the medication again then that's fine. You've just got to do what's best for you.

[Stoddyhmfc]

My turn to come out and admit that i am depressed. been struggling to deal with quite a few things in my life recently and ended up big signed off work with Stress. this has now turned into Depression as i have been made by a few people to doubt myself over things that i have never doubted myself over before. Got an appointment with my G.P next week to sit down as discuss everything that is going on.

 

Sort of scared to be put on tablets as i have quite an addictive personality but have got to the point where I'm spending most of the day locked in the flat not wanting to speak to anyone as scared they will say something that will end up with me snapping at them.

 

Also quite scared that any new employer will look at me in a different light since i now have quite a bad sickness record and will have to explain this as stress/depression.

[Peebo]

My turn to come out and admit that i am depressed. been struggling to deal with quite a few things in my life recently and ended up big signed off work with Stress. this has now turned into Depression as i have been made by a few people to doubt myself over things that i have never doubted myself over before. Got an appointment with my G.P next week to sit down as discuss everything that is going on.

 

Sort of scared to be put on tablets as i have quite an addictive personality but have got to the point where I'm spending most of the day locked in the flat not wanting to speak to anyone as scared they will say something that will end up with me snapping at them.

 

Also quite scared that any new employer will look at me in a different light since i now have quite a bad sickness record and will have to explain this as stress/depression.

 

Tell your employer. Having been a manager of someone with similar issues, it is a lot better if the person explains a poor sickness record etc.. They cannae help you out, or cut you slack when you most need it unless they know what's going on. If you don't explain it with what is a perfectly valid medical reason, the absences may be attributed to being a piss artist/piss taker.

[Ulysses]

Perhaps a mod could advise if I should start a new thread which relates to side-effects, health and ramifications of depression on health or should I post here? If a new thread is deemed appropriate, perhaps a word at the start to ask for people to tread gently?

 

 

I meant to come back to you about this earlier, but unfortunately it got lost in the middle of other stuff so apologies for that.

 

I'm not sure, so I think it's really up to your judgement. People find this thread a useful resource, and with that in mind maybe it's a good idea to keep everything together in one place. But I wouldn't want to claim any monopoly of wisdom, so if you feel a separate thread works better then we can try that. One way or the other, we'll do our best to be supportive of whatever seems to work best.

[Stoddyhmfc]

 

 

Tell your employer. Having been a manager of someone with similar issues, it is a lot better if the person explains a poor sickness record etc.. They cannae help you out, or cut you slack when you most need it unless they know what's going on. If you don't explain it with what is a perfectly valid medical reason, the absences may be attributed to being a piss artist/piss taker.

 

My current employer knows all about it. I would go so far as to say he is part of the problem. I'm more worries about what happens when I go for a new job outwith my current company and they get a reference saying I was off sick for x-days.

[Floyd]

 

 

My current employer knows all about it. I would go so far as to say he is part of the problem. I'm more worries about what happens when I go for a new job outwith my current company and they get a reference saying I was off sick for x-days.

 

They can't withdraw an offer of employment due to your absence record. If your reference says that you were a habitual thief they have grounds but not because of your absence record.

[Stoddyhmfc]

 

 

They can't withdraw an offer of employment due to your absence record. If your reference says that you were a habitual thief they have grounds but not because of your absence record.

 

Cheers mate. That's good to know.

[Drumelzier]

My current employer knows all about it. I would go so far as to say he is part of the problem. I'm more worries about what happens when I go for a new job outwith my current company and they get a reference saying I was off sick for x-days.

 

From my experience previous employers tend to keep absence records pretty vague when giving refs - good luck S.

[Stoddyhmfc]

 

 

From my experience previous employers tend to keep absence records pretty vague when giving refs - good luck S.

 

Thanks. Didn't realise talking about it would bring some relief! Cheers all. Now just have to wait and see what the doc prescribes

[Juan Rom?n Riquelme]

Did you tell the Doctor that you're worried about getting addicted to them?

[Floyd]

 

 

From my experience previous employers tend to keep absence records pretty vague when giving refs - good luck S.

 

Correct also, lots of references these days just give the bare minimum of information, such as service dates and job title and a brief synopsis of the role undertaken.

 

So don't get stressed about applying for other gigs, your absence record or history won't play a part in you not getting a new job.

 

Concentrate on your own well being just now and soon everything else will fall into line also.

 

Good luck.

[scott_jambo]

To further Flloyd and Drumelzier, find out your companies policy on references, it's likely going to just be confirmation of dates.

 

Go on to the Intranet and do searches for HR documentation on shared drives. Or template letters of what they send out for references. It should give you an idea the bare minium of what you need to tell a prospective employer in future interviews.

[Stoddyhmfc]

Did you tell the Doctor that you're worried about getting addicted to them?

 

That's what the appointment next week is about talk to my doc and admit that I have a very addictive personality.

 

Floyd/scott/drum- thanks for the advice on references that has taken a weight off my mind. Will look at the hr policies when k get fit enough to go back to the office (if I ever as the case of most of this is the office!)

Edited September 14, 2014 by Stoddyhmfc

[scott_jambo]

That's what the appointment next week is about talk to my doc and admit that I have a very addictive personality.

 

Floyd/scott/drum- thanks for the advice on references that has taken a weight off my mind. Will look at the hr policies when k get fit enough to go back to the office (if I ever as the case of most of this is the office!)

 

Furthermore if you find a job through a recruitment agency, the company usually relies on the agency to check references. They can be pretty fast and loose with reference checks dependent on the agency and client requirements. You will be fine bud.

[Stoddyhmfc]

 

 

Furthermore if you find a job through a recruitment agency, the company usually relies on the agency to check references. They can be pretty fast and loose with reference checks dependent on the agency and client requirements. You will be fine bud.

 

Away to sign up to some now then! Cheers again

[scott_jambo]

Away to sign up to some now then! Cheers again

 

Whenever you find youself overwhelmed worrying about problems, be safe in the knowledge that there is always a way.

Edited September 14, 2014 by scott_jambo

[Stoddyhmfc]

 

 

Whenever you find youself overwhelmed worrying about problems, be safe in the knowledge that there is always a way.

 

Best advice I've been given in years mate. Cheers again

[Gizmo]

I meant to come back to you about this earlier, but unfortunately it got lost in the middle of other stuff so apologies for that.

 

I'm not sure, so I think it's really up to your judgement. People find this thread a useful resource, and with that in mind maybe it's a good idea to keep everything together in one place. But I wouldn't want to claim any monopoly of wisdom, so if you feel a separate thread works better then we can try that. One way or the other, we'll do our best to be supportive of whatever seems to work best.

 

Thx. I'll probably stick to this thread. It just struck me like all things, a lot of people who are coming off the medications could find it very tough, with side effects both from tapering off and after coming off entirely.

 

I'll maybe just post my findings as I go in the hope they can be useful reference for others who go through it too, it could be helpful I guess.

[The Future's Maroon]

I posted a lengthy post on here a while ago, I thought all was going well recently but then things took a wee turn for the worst in recent months.

 

I was actually sitting next to a railway line at Slateford just last weekend, but decided the train wasn't going fast enough if that makes sense?

 

I went out to four different shops to buy paracetamol because I felt I'd had enough (which I had) and had it in my mind it was time to go. I wrote a letter for my parents, sent a text to my Sister - as far as I was concerned it was time to say goodbye.

 

I got half way through taking the tablets and 'woke up' - ended up in the toilet throwing up trying to get them back up/out. I was ill for a week afterwards and have kept it to myself ever since.

 

Then, it gets worse (in my head anyway), I had just recently got signed off work for a couple of weeks on the back of the aforementioned problems, then got a call from my boss - even though I have told them (fully) about my issues etc I got asked to go into work while signed off by the Doctor (and accepted by ATHOS/ Occupational Health that things are not good for me which they agreed with) but I have been told they are going to dismiss me...this has just made things so much worse, I feel more willing to end it now.

 

I know its not right, I am on stronger meds but they just knock me even more daft (Citolapram 30mg) and have Zipolan sleeping tablets to help sleeping.

 

I want to do it, I am also scared and worried what it will do to my family - but its got to the stage where it seems the only option now.

[Sow Easy]

I posted a lengthy post on here a while ago, I thought all was going well recently but then things took a wee turn for the worst in recent months.

 

I was actually sitting next to a railway line at Slateford just last weekend, but decided the train wasn't going fast enough if that makes sense?

 

I went out to four different shops to buy paracetamol because I felt I'd had enough (which I had) and had it in my mind it was time to go. I wrote a letter for my parents, sent a text to my Sister - as far as I was concerned it was time to say goodbye.

 

I got half way through taking the tablets and 'woke up' - ended up in the toilet throwing up trying to get them back up/out. I was ill for a week afterwards and have kept it to myself ever since.

 

Then, it gets worse (in my head anyway), I had just recently got signed off work for a couple of weeks on the back of the aforementioned problems, then got a call from my boss - even though I have told them (fully) about my issues etc I got asked to go into work while signed off by the Doctor (and accepted by ATHOS/ Occupational Health that things are not good for me which they agreed with) but I have been told they are going to dismiss me...this has just made things so much worse, I feel more willing to end it now.

 

I know its not right, I am on stronger meds but they just knock me even more daft (Citolapram 30mg) and have Zipolan sleeping tablets to help sleeping.

 

I want to do it, I am also scared and worried what it will do to my family - but its got to the stage where it seems the only option now.

 

I posted in this thread a page or 2 back buddy, I know what you're going through. Please, just don't make any hasty moves. Please. I'm not going to sleep anytime soon so if you need a chat I'm here.

 

This line stopped me making any moves 'Suicide does not stop the chances of things getting worse, it stops the chances of things getting better'

[scott_jambo]

I posted a lengthy post on here a while ago, I thought all was going well recently but then things took a wee turn for the worst in recent months.

 

I was actually sitting next to a railway line at Slateford just last weekend, but decided the train wasn't going fast enough if that makes sense?

 

I went out to four different shops to buy paracetamol because I felt I'd had enough (which I had) and had it in my mind it was time to go. I wrote a letter for my parents, sent a text to my Sister - as far as I was concerned it was time to say goodbye.

 

I got half way through taking the tablets and 'woke up' - ended up in the toilet throwing up trying to get them back up/out. I was ill for a week afterwards and have kept it to myself ever since.

 

Then, it gets worse (in my head anyway), I had just recently got signed off work for a couple of weeks on the back of the aforementioned problems, then got a call from my boss - even though I have told them (fully) about my issues etc I got asked to go into work while signed off by the Doctor (and accepted by ATHOS/ Occupational Health that things are not good for me which they agreed with) but I have been told they are going to dismiss me...this has just made things so much worse, I feel more willing to end it now.

 

I know its not right, I am on stronger meds but they just knock me even more daft (Citolapram 30mg) and have Zipolan sleeping tablets to help sleeping.

 

I want to do it, I am also scared and worried what it will do to my family - but its got to the stage where it seems the only option now.

 

Tried to send you a PM but think your box might be full.

 

If you need to talk or vent then feel free to drop me a message.

 

Keep safe mate.

[Drumelzier]

I posted a lengthy post on here a while ago, I thought all was going well recently but then things took a wee turn for the worst in recent months.

 

I was actually sitting next to a railway line at Slateford just last weekend, but decided the train wasn't going fast enough if that makes sense?

 

I went out to four different shops to buy paracetamol because I felt I'd had enough (which I had) and had it in my mind it was time to go. I wrote a letter for my parents, sent a text to my Sister - as far as I was concerned it was time to say goodbye.

 

I got half way through taking the tablets and 'woke up' - ended up in the toilet throwing up trying to get them back up/out. I was ill for a week afterwards and have kept it to myself ever since.

 

Then, it gets worse (in my head anyway), I had just recently got signed off work for a couple of weeks on the back of the aforementioned problems, then got a call from my boss - even though I have told them (fully) about my issues etc I got asked to go into work while signed off by the Doctor (and accepted by ATHOS/ Occupational Health that things are not good for me which they agreed with) but I have been told they are going to dismiss me...this has just made things so much worse, I feel more willing to end it now.

 

I know its not right, I am on stronger meds but they just knock me even more daft (Citolapram 30mg) and have Zipolan sleeping tablets to help sleeping.

 

I want to do it, I am also scared and worried what it will do to my family - but its got to the stage where it seems the only option now.

 

It's not the only option TFM, sounds like you've recovered from this before, you can again, might be small steps but you know you can get there.

[stirlingshirejambo]

I posted a lengthy post on here a while ago, I thought all was going well recently but then things took a wee turn for the worst in recent months.

 

I was actually sitting next to a railway line at Slateford just last weekend, but decided the train wasn't going fast enough if that makes sense?

 

I went out to four different shops to buy paracetamol because I felt I'd had enough (which I had) and had it in my mind it was time to go. I wrote a letter for my parents, sent a text to my Sister - as far as I was concerned it was time to say goodbye.

 

I got half way through taking the tablets and 'woke up' - ended up in the toilet throwing up trying to get them back up/out. I was ill for a week afterwards and have kept it to myself ever since.

 

Then, it gets worse (in my head anyway), I had just recently got signed off work for a couple of weeks on the back of the aforementioned problems, then got a call from my boss - even though I have told them (fully) about my issues etc I got asked to go into work while signed off by the Doctor (and accepted by ATHOS/ Occupational Health that things are not good for me which they agreed with) but I have been told they are going to dismiss me...this has just made things so much worse, I feel more willing to end it now.

 

I know its not right, I am on stronger meds but they just knock me even more daft (Citolapram 30mg) and have Zipolan sleeping tablets to help sleeping.

 

I want to do it, I am also scared and worried what it will do to my family - but its got to the stage where it seems the only option now.

 

I too have been where you are and I can understand why losing your job may seem to be the thing that is tipping you over he edge, however it sounds like these employers are not the ones that are best suited to your needs at the moment.

 

I have found in times of deep desperation that my work is the only thing that keeps me stable as it is the only thing which is steady and consistent in my life but if it is a false security.

 

I have been on Citropalm(30mg) and Ziploan for nearly a year now and my ability to make the right daily choices is now only slowly starting to return. I have been in therapy for 13 weeks now and while it not suitable for everyone it has opened up my eyes to what has been the initial causes of my depression/self loathing. Rather than treating the here and now it is treating the initial causes. My mind for the first time in 30 years is starting to be clear and all the self hating self doubts and wrong choices I have made seem to be linked to events I had locked away from childhood

 

I am saying this not as an answer to you TFM but trying to explaqin(badly probably) that there are many more people out there that are/have been in the same place as you and there can be a way out that is not ending the pain by suicide. I lost my mum to that at 11 years of age and it still hurts me deeply

 

The crucial thing to me is that you mention your family, they are so important, not in a way that you may be letting them down but in a way that they will care about you/ Hopefully the text to your sister has made her realise how desperate you are and she is able to offer some comfort and support

 

Apologies if this is an incoherent ramble but just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you and if I can be any help at all please PM me I can listen. Ending is not the only option there is so much out there

[The Future's Maroon]

Thanks for messages, I was in a bad place last night when posted and thankfully although it was crossing my mind I didnt do anything stupid. I have used Breathing Space Scotland before and decided to give them a call this morning which has helped, for anyone who is struggling at the moment I can't recommend them highly enough.

[Stuart Lyon]

TFM - good for you and good luck with getting the help you need.

[Ragnar]

The thing that frustrates me is the general lack of knowledge surrounding mental health issues.

 

I dunno, maybe you just need to experience it in order to fully understand it, but the lack of awareness scares me sometimes.

[Stoddyhmfc]

So had a meeting with work yesterday and it sounds like nothing has changed. Also been informed that my sick pay ceases as of Monday. Feels a lot like there trying to push me back into the office. Got another appointment with the doc tomorrow. But struggling to work out if I should leave this job or go back and put myself through he'll till I find a new job.

 

I agree with a few on here most people don't understand mental health problems and think that smiling and being nice is enough to help someone.

[Dusk_Till_Dawn]

So had a meeting with work yesterday and it sounds like nothing has changed. Also been informed that my sick pay ceases as of Monday. Feels a lot like there trying to push me back into the office. Got another appointment with the doc tomorrow. But struggling to work out if I should leave this job or go back and put myself through he'll till I find a new job.

 

I agree with a few on here most people don't understand mental health problems and think that smiling and being nice is enough to help someone.

 

That's certainly true. I guess if you look at it the other way though, businesses have their own pressures and requirements too.

 

Good luck mate.

[JamboHeriot]

Been a reader for a while on KB, and seeing this thread has caused me to sign up to share my story. Here goes.

I've been suffering from depression on and off for around 4 years now. I was however only diagnosed two weeks ago, when I finally realised that there was something really not right with me. Was finding work almost impossible, felt no motivation whatsoever, difficult to socialise etc. Been prescribed anti-depressants which aren't doing much so far.

I've found it hard to put my finger on why I suffer from it. I know what triggered this bout, which has lasted around two months, I recently split with my girlfriend and from then I could see things were heading downhill. Looking back though it's clear that it's been a problem for a long long time.

Had some especially dark days in the last week, feeling hopeless, devoid of energy and in all honesty don't really care if I wake up.

Worst part is I'm only 19 years old, recently started back at uni again which has exacerbated things. Don't have the motivation to get up and go let alone attempt to learn for hours on end every day.

Really feel like is no way out of this, I'm struggling.