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Samuel Camazzola
29 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

this story?

 

 

Immense! 

19 minutes ago, Barack said:

From page 6 to 10 is phenomenal quality.

 

@Salad Fingers contributions to our amusement were worth it. 

 

I still maintain, that even though you're happily now settled down with another, and with a kid...had you not gone on here and taken our advice, you'd still be munching cold steak pie.

 

Also, special mention in dispatches to @tweegy.

 

Never to be forgotten. And hopefully now allowed to roam free!

Salad's beachfront strolls where he rejected the girl's advances of holding hands. 

 

Justin's park encounters with an alleged 'schoolie'. 

 

Greedy getting er... greedy. 

 

@Brick Tamland 's encounters including hide and seek and disappointment that a threesome invitation with a Hungarian and friend  wasn't what he had in mind.

 

This thread and the' Mutiny Slice' one are pure gold! 

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51 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

this

 

51 minutes ago, milky_26 said:

 

 

 

   On 10/08/2008 at 00:40, johnmitchell said: 

Oh what the hell, here goes ffs! Anything to keep that big wummin Deek happy!

 

 

I was seperated from my ex wife and started chatting to a burd online, it was around July 2002, her name was Kerry. I met her (if you can call it that) in an internet quiz room chat thingy and we started having a bit banter back and forth etc, and it turned out she was from London, I think it was Romford but I'm not too sure these days as it was a while ago.

 

 

Things developed and we eventually swapped phone numbers and started chatting properly on the telephone and she asked me to send a pic of myself to her online. Well I hadn't a clue how to do this but learned how to work a scanner and uploaded a pic of me and sent it on to her via email I think, and she said that she liked what she saw (that really should have set the alarm bells ringing like!:wacko:

 

 

She then sent me a pic of herself, and she was a lovely! :dribble:

 

 

A gorgeous brunette, with dark coloured eyes and a figure to die for, and I thought "it's the accent, it must be the accent". Anyway, after a period of time chatting away on the phone we decided to meet, we just had to decide where and when. I thought sod it, she's hot, and the train fare was only about ?40 return to Kings Cross. 

 

 

I set off the day before I was due to meet her on a train to London and got into Kings Cross at around 7pm ish iirc, went for a Burger King, checked into the hotel I stayed at for the night (which made Fawlty Towers look good, it was minging ffs!) and tried to settle down for the night. I remember getting virtually no sleep whatsoever to the walls being paper thin, and some randy couple next door banging away like a barn door in the wind and they were at it for what seemed like ages (credit where it's due like, even if I didn't get much sleep!

 

 

Anyway, the night came and went, and I went for a shower in the morning, and I remember a shower room which was shared by the entire top floor, which was about 5 rooms, and a bar of soap with more pubic hairs in it than hirsute brothel! Luckily I had some shower gel with me and I was able to wash properly. 

 

 

I was due to meet my lovely looking date on the same morning that Brazil were playing England in the world cup in Korea and Japan, and the game kicked off at 7.30am I think. I was up at 6am as I couldn't sleep (partly with the excitement of meeting my stunner, and partly cos of the adonis [email protected] through the wall to me in the hotel).

 

 

We had chatted on the mobile the night before and had agreed that she would pick me up in her BMW outside the Canary Wharf buildings the following day (at this point I'm thinking, classy burd!:dribble:) and couldn't wait to meet her, although I wanted to take in some of the match as well. I made my way from the minging hotel to the tube station, and it as absolutely crawling with people with Union Jacks and St George flags draped over themselves, almost everyone was up already and anticipating an England win, the place was swarming!

 

 

I jumped on the tube to the Canary Wharf and deliberately left early to be able to take in some of the game before I had to meet her. I arrived at my destination and found that I was able to watch the match downstairs at the foot of the actual building, and was expecting to have to find a pub or summat to watch it. England took the lead and the place went flippin barmy, and I was standing there trying to force a smile and say well done etc, it was horrible, and then Brazil scored and everyone was sick, apart from me :D

 

 

Anyway, my phone rings and it was Kerry, and I thought "YES" here she comes! She told me that she was going to be about 2 or 3 minutes and I was to wait outside, which I duly did, bag in hand, tongue hanging out, and very excited! :P

 

 

She called me again to say that she would be coming past the building any minute and to look out for her in her BMW, and asked what I was wearing so she could recognise me. "This is it" I thought, here she comes, any minute now!!!! 

 

 

I then clocked an old golden coloured BMW coming along which looked like it had seen both world wars, it was a complete heap, and the burd driving it was an absolute grunter:confused:

 

 

I thought to myself at the time, nahhhhh, surely not, that's definitely not her as the burd in the pic was much smarter looking than that, however the phone rang again and she said the words that haunted me for ages afterwards "I think I just passed you" :eek:

 

 

She went round the block (not for the first time by the look of it) and stopped right next to me and said, jump in Jock, and I thought to myself, holy fek, if I shag thon I'm gonna burn my arse on the lightbulb!!

 

 

She was an absolute freekin growler ffs, I was literally scared of her!!!! She looked like an extra from an alien film, and drove an old "B" reg BMW ffs! I was terrified!!! 

 

 

Anyway, I thought to myself "just be nice and play it by ear, but your obviously not getting yout nat king like intended" which is what I did. We went to a pub across the road called the Slug and Lettuce, and ordered some drinks. I was about 3 or 4 pints in and drinking like a man that thought beer was about to go out of fashion as I was so fekked off, and scared she would rape me!

 

 

Anyway, she said to me that she needed the loo and could I watch her bag for her (I think that was to make sure I didn't run away, but I had other idea's as I could see the entrance to the tube station from the pub ;))

 

 

When she went to the loo, I left her bag on her chair (which had been buckled by her humungous weight) and absolutely freekin legged it like my life depended on it before she got back. I ran down the stairs/escalator like a man possessed, knocking kids and women out of the way in the process (I swear to god if I was Brazilian with a rucksack I'd have been shot!) and jumped on a train back to Kings Cross to get the fek outta there. I was still bricking it until the train arrived expecting her to peek her fat head around the corner and hunt me down, I felt like a Star Wars character on the run from Jabba the Hut! :wacko:

 

 

I eventually made it to Kings Cross and I hadn't been able to get a signal on my mobile until I came over ground again, and I had something like 15 texts come thru at once telling me she was going to hunt me down etc, and so I called her just to find out who the photo she sent to me was, and it turns out it was her sister. She wasn't too chuffed when I asked for her sisters number :)

 

 

What a waste of a trip to London, but lesson well and truly learned!!

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15 minutes ago, iantjambo said:

 

 

 

   On 10/08/2008 at 00:40, johnmitchell said: 

Oh what the hell, here goes ffs! Anything to keep that big wummin Deek happy!

 

 

I was seperated from my ex wife and started chatting to a burd online, it was around July 2002, her name was Kerry. I met her (if you can call it that) in an internet quiz room chat thingy and we started having a bit banter back and forth etc, and it turned out she was from London, I think it was Romford but I'm not too sure these days as it was a while ago.

 

 

Things developed and we eventually swapped phone numbers and started chatting properly on the telephone and she asked me to send a pic of myself to her online. Well I hadn't a clue how to do this but learned how to work a scanner and uploaded a pic of me and sent it on to her via email I think, and she said that she liked what she saw (that really should have set the alarm bells ringing like!:wacko:

 

 

She then sent me a pic of herself, and she was a lovely! :dribble:

 

 

A gorgeous brunette, with dark coloured eyes and a figure to die for, and I thought "it's the accent, it must be the accent". Anyway, after a period of time chatting away on the phone we decided to meet, we just had to decide where and when. I thought sod it, she's hot, and the train fare was only about ?40 return to Kings Cross. 

 

 

I set off the day before I was due to meet her on a train to London and got into Kings Cross at around 7pm ish iirc, went for a Burger King, checked into the hotel I stayed at for the night (which made Fawlty Towers look good, it was minging ffs!) and tried to settle down for the night. I remember getting virtually no sleep whatsoever to the walls being paper thin, and some randy couple next door banging away like a barn door in the wind and they were at it for what seemed like ages (credit where it's due like, even if I didn't get much sleep!

 

 

Anyway, the night came and went, and I went for a shower in the morning, and I remember a shower room which was shared by the entire top floor, which was about 5 rooms, and a bar of soap with more pubic hairs in it than hirsute brothel! Luckily I had some shower gel with me and I was able to wash properly. 

 

 

I was due to meet my lovely looking date on the same morning that Brazil were playing England in the world cup in Korea and Japan, and the game kicked off at 7.30am I think. I was up at 6am as I couldn't sleep (partly with the excitement of meeting my stunner, and partly cos of the adonis [email protected] through the wall to me in the hotel).

 

 

We had chatted on the mobile the night before and had agreed that she would pick me up in her BMW outside the Canary Wharf buildings the following day (at this point I'm thinking, classy burd!:dribble:) and couldn't wait to meet her, although I wanted to take in some of the match as well. I made my way from the minging hotel to the tube station, and it as absolutely crawling with people with Union Jacks and St George flags draped over themselves, almost everyone was up already and anticipating an England win, the place was swarming!

 

 

I jumped on the tube to the Canary Wharf and deliberately left early to be able to take in some of the game before I had to meet her. I arrived at my destination and found that I was able to watch the match downstairs at the foot of the actual building, and was expecting to have to find a pub or summat to watch it. England took the lead and the place went flippin barmy, and I was standing there trying to force a smile and say well done etc, it was horrible, and then Brazil scored and everyone was sick, apart from me :D

 

 

Anyway, my phone rings and it was Kerry, and I thought "YES" here she comes! She told me that she was going to be about 2 or 3 minutes and I was to wait outside, which I duly did, bag in hand, tongue hanging out, and very excited! :P

 

 

She called me again to say that she would be coming past the building any minute and to look out for her in her BMW, and asked what I was wearing so she could recognise me. "This is it" I thought, here she comes, any minute now!!!! 

 

 

I then clocked an old golden coloured BMW coming along which looked like it had seen both world wars, it was a complete heap, and the burd driving it was an absolute grunter:confused:

 

 

I thought to myself at the time, nahhhhh, surely not, that's definitely not her as the burd in the pic was much smarter looking than that, however the phone rang again and she said the words that haunted me for ages afterwards "I think I just passed you" :eek:

 

 

She went round the block (not for the first time by the look of it) and stopped right next to me and said, jump in Jock, and I thought to myself, holy fek, if I shag thon I'm gonna burn my arse on the lightbulb!!

 

 

She was an absolute freekin growler ffs, I was literally scared of her!!!! She looked like an extra from an alien film, and drove an old "B" reg BMW ffs! I was terrified!!! 

 

 

Anyway, I thought to myself "just be nice and play it by ear, but your obviously not getting yout nat king like intended" which is what I did. We went to a pub across the road called the Slug and Lettuce, and ordered some drinks. I was about 3 or 4 pints in and drinking like a man that thought beer was about to go out of fashion as I was so fekked off, and scared she would rape me!

 

 

Anyway, she said to me that she needed the loo and could I watch her bag for her (I think that was to make sure I didn't run away, but I had other idea's as I could see the entrance to the tube station from the pub ;))

 

 

When she went to the loo, I left her bag on her chair (which had been buckled by her humungous weight) and absolutely freekin legged it like my life depended on it before she got back. I ran down the stairs/escalator like a man possessed, knocking kids and women out of the way in the process (I swear to god if I was Brazilian with a rucksack I'd have been shot!) and jumped on a train back to Kings Cross to get the fek outta there. I was still bricking it until the train arrived expecting her to peek her fat head around the corner and hunt me down, I felt like a Star Wars character on the run from Jabba the Hut! :wacko:

 

 

I eventually made it to Kings Cross and I hadn't been able to get a signal on my mobile until I came over ground again, and I had something like 15 texts come thru at once telling me she was going to hunt me down etc, and so I called her just to find out who the photo she sent to me was, and it turns out it was her sister. She wasn't too chuffed when I asked for her sisters number :)

 

 

What a waste of a trip to London, but lesson well and truly learned!!

Feckin brilliant, had a good auld chuckle reading that😄

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Salad Fingers
57 minutes ago, Barack said:

From page 6 to 10 is phenomenal quality.

 

@Salad Fingers contributions to our amusement were worth it. 

 

I still maintain, that even though you're happily now settled down with another, and with a kid...had you not gone on here and taken our advice, you'd still be munching cold steak pie.

 

Also, special mention in dispatches to @tweegy.

 

Never to be forgotten. And hopefully now allowed to roam free!

 

Just had a quick look through my posts from the date :rofl:

 

She was absolute filth that lassie.  She worked in a petrol station and used to send me nudes from the store room while I was at work :laugh2:.  I think she has another kid now.  

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Salad Fingers

I don't know if I am making this up but I am sure I read about a date someone on here or their mate had gone on where the girl was into some strange things involving the movements of her bowels after some very rich chocolate cake.  

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5 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

Just had a quick look through my posts from the date :rofl:

 

She was absolute filth that lassie.  She worked in a petrol station and used to send me nudes from the store room while I was at work :laugh2:.  I think she has another kid now.  

Well you were certainly filling her up at the time.

 

Still got the pics...? :look:

 

 

Updating us from the toilet mid-session...

 

:yas:

 

:rofl:

 

 

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Samuel Camazzola
4 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

I don't know if I am making this up but I am sure I read about a date someone on here or their mate had gone on where the girl was into some strange things involving the movements of her bowels after some very rich chocolate cake.  

Isn't that regular behaviour down by Hawick? 

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6 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

I don't know if I am making this up but I am sure I read about a date someone on here or their mate had gone on where the girl was into some strange things involving the movements of her bowels after some very rich chocolate cake.  

And no, it wasn't me.

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Salad Fingers
7 minutes ago, Barack said:

Well you were certainly filling her up at the time.

 

Still got the pics...? :look:

 

 

Updating us from the toilet mid-session...

 

:yas:

 

:rofl:

 

 

 

:laugh2: funnily enough I found my old phone about a year ago and fired it up.  I was looking through my google photos (the equivalent of the iCloud thing) only to be confronted with her in a suggestive position over a pickled onion golden wonder box :laugh:.  

 

Awww good days them.  

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7 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

:laugh2: funnily enough I found my old phone about a year ago and fired it up.  I was looking through my google photos (the equivalent of the iCloud thing) only to be confronted with her in a suggestive position over a pickled onion golden wonder box :laugh:.  

 

Awww good days them.  

Pickled onion. Probably best out of that relationship anyway, mate.

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Samuel Camazzola
12 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

:laugh2: funnily enough I found my old phone about a year ago and fired it up.  I was looking through my google photos (the equivalent of the iCloud thing) only to be confronted with her in a suggestive position over a pickled onion golden wonder box :laugh:.  

 

Awww good days them.  

No Monster Munch? 

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Salad Fingers
6 minutes ago, Samuel Camazzola said:

No Monster Munch? 

 

Unfortunately I thought it bad taste to document our bedroom antics.  

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Samuel Camazzola
2 minutes ago, Salad Fingers said:

 

Unfortunately I thought it bad taste to document our bedroom antics.  

😂

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2 hours ago, Samuel Camazzola said:

Immense! 

Salad's beachfront strolls where he rejected the girl's advances of holding hands. 

 

Justin's park encounters with an alleged 'schoolie'. 

 

Greedy getting er... greedy. 

 

@Brick Tamland 's encounters including hide and seek and disappointment that a threesome invitation with a Hungarian and friend  wasn't what he had in mind.

 

This thread and the' Mutiny Slice' one are pure gold! 

 

Haha god I'd forgotten about that first park meeting. :lol: And to any newcomers to the thread, YES, ALLEGEDLY. I hate Hibs but not like that. :ninja: She's like 27, and just a complete hippie, thus the park. Stupidly fit woman too, why did she have to be completely bonkers?!

:sob:

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Might have to read this thread from scratch again. :lol:

 

I honestly can't tell if I'm sad or happy, that I've never really had a chance to play the field a bit. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ive joined the online dating club. 😂 

 

Pros - Tonnes of single horny woman trapped at home during the lockdown. My tadger has been busy. 

 

Cons - It seems all the good ones are taken and all that is left are utter nutters. 

 

Some bird just told me she loved me on WhatsApp ffs. :facepalm:

 

:bolt:

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Dawnrazor
6 minutes ago, Cruyff said:

Ive joined the online dating club. 😂 

 

Pros - Tonnes of single horny woman trapped at home during the lockdown. My tadger has been busy. 

 

Cons - It seems all the good ones are taken and all that is left are utter nutters. 

 

Some bird just told me she loved me on WhatsApp ffs. :facepalm:

 

:bolt:

Don't be too hasty.......a mouth is a mouth👍

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iantjambo
24 minutes ago, Cruyff said:

Ive joined the online dating club. 😂 

 

Pros - Tonnes of single horny woman trapped at home during the lockdown. My tadger has been busy. 

 

Cons - It seems all the good ones are taken and all that is left are utter nutters. 

 

Some bird just told me she loved me on WhatsApp ffs. :facepalm:

 

:bolt:


 :yas:

 

A new chapter to the thread :D

 

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20 minutes ago, Dawnrazor said:

Don't be too hasty.......a mouth is a mouth👍

You think? 

_20200508_192257.thumb.JPG.3295609e6685e91a0e55cf164e5cf197.JPG

 

:cornette:

3 minutes ago, iantjambo said:


 :yas:

 

A new chapter to the thread :D

 

:greggy:

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53 minutes ago, Cruyff said:

You think? 

_20200508_192257.thumb.JPG.3295609e6685e91a0e55cf164e5cf197.JPG

 

:cornette:

:greggy:

All I’m going to say is, don’t go to the Rose Street Brewery, whilst she is shopping over the road.

 

:) 

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1 hour ago, Cruyff said:

Some bird just told me she loved me on WhatsApp ffs. :facepalm:

 

:bolt:

 

:cornette:    Without even meeting you?

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1 hour ago, Cruyff said:

You think? 

_20200508_192257.thumb.JPG.3295609e6685e91a0e55cf164e5cf197.JPG

 

:cornette:

:greggy:

 

 

Please tell me you haven't given her your address. :lol: 

 

 

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6 minutes ago, Morgan said:

All I’m going to say is, don’t go to the Rose Street Brewery, whilst she is shopping over the road.

 

:) 

:laugh2: She might hunt me down

Just now, Ray Gin said:

 

:cornette:    Without even meeting you?

Aye :cornette:

 

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3 minutes ago, Samuel Camazzola said:

Is she from West Lothian? 😄

Nope. She's from Stockbridge. One of those private school taught lassies. She says she's pissed. I think she's feckin gagging on it.... She certainly might be by Monday.... :rofl:

 

1 minute ago, Ray Gin said:

 

Good luck :rofl: 

:rofl:This always happens. Starts of decent, then they lose the feckin plot completely. I'm lucky I'm reay busy or I'd have visited her before now. :laugh2: I think she's getting impatient and is desperately wanting pumped. 

 

I'd put some pics on of her in lingerie but that wouldn't be very nice. She's got mahoosive chebs though. 

 

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Dawnrazor
1 minute ago, Cruyff said:

Nope. She's from Stockbridge. One of those private school taught lassies. She says she's pissed. I think she's feckin gagging on it.... She certainly might be by Monday.... :rofl:

 

 

:rofl:This always happens. Starts of decent, then they lose the feckin plot completely. I'm lucky I'm reay busy or I'd have visited her before now. :laugh2: I think she's getting impatient and is desperately wanting pumped. 

 

I'd put some pics on of her in lingerie but that wouldn't be very nice. She's got mahoosive chebs though. 

 

 

Pm.....I'll take a pm.....please!!!!

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Greedy Jambo
2 hours ago, Cruyff said:

Ive joined the online dating club. 😂 

 

Pros - Tonnes of single horny woman trapped at home during the lockdown. My tadger has been busy. 

 

Cons - It seems all the good ones are taken and all that is left are utter nutters. 

 

Some bird just told me she loved me on WhatsApp ffs. :facepalm:

 

:bolt:

 

Any chance i can use your profile pictures? 😂

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1 hour ago, Dawnrazor said:

Pm.....I'll take a pm.....please!!!!

Johan @Cruyff has PM’d me already.

 

Yes, they are.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Cruyff said:

Nope. She's from Stockbridge. One of those private school taught lassies. She says she's pissed. I think she's feckin gagging on it.... She certainly might be by Monday.... :rofl:

 

 

:rofl:This always happens. Starts of decent, then they lose the feckin plot completely. I'm lucky I'm reay busy or I'd have visited her before now. :laugh2: I think she's getting impatient and is desperately wanting pumped. 

 

I'd put some pics on of her in lingerie but that wouldn't be very nice. She's got mahoosive chebs though. 

 

 

 

Doesn't respect the lockdown. Get her tae ****. Probably riddled with the Covid.

 

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Just now, Ray Gin said:

 

Doesn't respect the lockdown. Get her tae ****. Probably riddled with the Covid.

 

If she’s 19, risk the Covid.  :) 

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2 minutes ago, gjcc said:

Like a pair of big jugs?

Yep.

 

Big buckin wallopers.

 

Like spaniels ears, actually.

 

Ask @Cruyff to send you some pics.  

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1 hour ago, Morgan said:

Johan @Cruyff has PM’d me already.

 

Yes, they are.

 

 

:rofl:

 

:naughty:

 

2 hours ago, Space Pirate said:

 

Any chance i can use your profile pictures? 😂

:laugh2: no. 

2 hours ago, Space Pirate said:

catfish-and-the-bottlemen-the-ride.jpg

Fortunately, i'm not that wet behind the lugs so there's no danger of me sending scuddies and finding out it's my ex or some dude. 

1 hour ago, gjcc said:

Like a pair of big jugs?

Big muckle chebs. 

 

_20200508_234226.thumb.JPG.942bb54658317a70ebce76497757ea2f.JPG

 

:rofl:

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SwindonJambo
5 minutes ago, Cruyff said:

I always aim to please 😉 :whistling:

 

Your aim is successful. Please continue 😁

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Dawnrazor
3 hours ago, Salad Fingers said:

:wow: :yas:

 

Remember Cruyff......updates!

And DO NOT forget to get here to make a steak pie, we NEED a steak pie review...........right👍

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1 hour ago, Morgan said:

Heard from Dolly P today?

😂 Aye, she apologised for her drunken behaviour. She's not been pie'd off yet. 

 

There was one lassie I pie'd because she lifted weights and I thought her shoulders looked built like a guys. Then after i sort of let her down kindly  saying I don't think we have shared interests or some shit excuse but was still talking pally wise, she sent some photos of her on a recent holiday to Thailand where she was wearing a bikini. Her body was absolutely smokin', her ass was like :sweeet: decent face too but I couldn't go back on what i said or I'd have looked like a complete tool. 

 

I was like :nojustno:

 

Dolly might still get it if she can keep the heid while I finish my work, which should be Monday. 

 

Started speaking to another bird though. It's like a feckin sweety shop. :rofl:

 

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33 minutes ago, Cruyff said:

😂 Aye, she apologised for her drunken behaviour. She's not been pie'd off yet. 

 

There was one lassie I pie'd because she lifted weights and I thought her shoulders looked built like a guys. Then after i sort of let her down kindly  saying I don't think we have shared interests or some shit excuse but was still talking pally wise, she sent some photos of her on a recent holiday to Thailand where she was wearing a bikini. Her body was absolutely smokin', her ass was like :sweeet: decent face too but I couldn't go back on what i said or I'd have looked like a complete tool. 

 

I was like :nojustno:

 

Dolly might still get it if she can keep the heid while I finish my work, which should be Monday. 

 

Started speaking to another bird though. It's like a feckin sweety shop. :rofl:

 

:lol: 

 

Bad luck with the Lady of Bangkok!  :sad: 

 

See after Monday?  If Dolly has still managed ‘kept the heid’ until then, give it a wee bash.  A bursd with a heid is worth two in the bush.  :oohmatron:

 

Enjoy your sweeties.

 

 

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5 hours ago, Dawnrazor said:

And DO NOT forget to get here to make a steak pie, we NEED a steak pie review...........right👍

We ‘kidney’ possibly have another steak pie saga.

 

Could we?  :) 

 

Steak pie and @Salad Fingers was a meal and a half, back then.

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