rudi must stay Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 Which footballer also builds buildings? Harry Krane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 I'm starting a new business, a dog special breeds broker, placing thoroughbreds with new owners. Does anyone have any Pointers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinnybob72 Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 21 minutes ago, superjack said: I'm starting a new business, a dog special breeds broker, placing thoroughbreds with new owners. Does anyone have any Pointers? Be careful with your new venture, I tried to set up a cold air balloon company but it never took off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 I put my phone under my pillow before I went to sleep last night and it was gone this morning with a pound coin in it's place. Damn bluetooth fairy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 I've just bought a new bicycle but it came without accessories... If you see any, can you give me a bell? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 I've got no problem with genetically modified food... Last night I had a lovely leg of salmon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 We should thankful for nipples... Without them, boobs would be pointless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 17, 2021 Share Posted April 17, 2021 I got home from work last night, sat on the edge of the bed, and started to pull my boxers off... At that point I thought to myself, "I really do spoil these dogs!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted April 18, 2021 Share Posted April 18, 2021 16 hours ago, skinnybob72 said: Be careful with your new venture, I tried to set up a cold air balloon company but it never took off. I feel your pain. My origami shop folded Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 18, 2021 Share Posted April 18, 2021 I remember the time I took a coachload of hookers through to Celtic Park. Everyone was blown away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 19, 2021 Share Posted April 19, 2021 Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies..... "Ah still love Vista Baby....." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 24, 2021 Share Posted April 24, 2021 My friend recommended trying horse manure on my rhubarb. Tasted disgusting, think I'll stick with custard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 24, 2021 Share Posted April 24, 2021 Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors... Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 24, 2021 Share Posted April 24, 2021 Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 24, 2021 Share Posted April 24, 2021 I fingered a fortune teller whilst she was on her period... I got my palm red! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 24, 2021 Share Posted April 24, 2021 A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group? "He replies, "Do you mean a choir?" She said, "Fine. How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted April 25, 2021 Share Posted April 25, 2021 (edited) The wife was telling me about a story a taxi driver told her. She said the driver picked up a customer who had a cat with him. So as he's pulling away he put his lighter up to his cat. Immediately the driver said. "Hear you, wtf are you doing?" The Bam said"She likes the smell of gas, so I let her smell it". The driver said" Do that again and you're out" So he drove about a half mile, and sure enough he did it again, so the driver stopped and Shouted "THAT'S FECKING IT, I'M TAKING YOU TO THE POLIS STATION! " And at this point the Mrs told me the cat went mental, clawing and climbing all over the taxi and then all of a sudden the cat landed on the front passenger seat and just flops on it's side. I said" Ah Ffs, did it die? " The wife said" No, it just ran out of gas". Cannae believe I fell for that. Edited April 25, 2021 by ri Alban Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me Mister, do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so he is on her level, and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft, fluffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?" The little girls blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a ****!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 27, 2021 Share Posted April 27, 2021 Doctor: "Do you look at your wife’s face during sex?" Me: "I did once and she looked very angry." Doctor: "Why?" Me: "Because she was watching from the window!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 27, 2021 Share Posted April 27, 2021 I'm setting up a group for cyclists who ignore red lights... Please feel free to join Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 27, 2021 Share Posted April 27, 2021 BREAKING NEWS: The world's oldest paperboy dies at 84... 86 are wondering where their Daily Mail has got to! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 27, 2021 Share Posted April 27, 2021 A young boy in the bath with his mum asks, "What's that hairy thing?" Mum says, "That's my sponge son." The boy says, "Oh yeah, the babysitter has got one, too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 There's a real shortage of trainees to work as human cannonballs. A circus owner says he just can't find people of the right calibre. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highlandjambo3 Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 52 minutes ago, superjack said: There's a real shortage of trainees to work as human cannonballs. A circus owner says he just can't find people of the right calibre. I take it he keeps firing them as well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 To the thief who stole my anti depressants.------- I hope you're happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redjambo Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 54 minutes ago, highlandjambo3 said: I take it he keeps firing them as well Boom, boom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 Teacher: 'Can anyone name a vegetable which makes your eyes water?' Wee Johnny: 'A turnip, miss.' Teacher: 'A turnip doesn't make your eyes water'. Wee Johnny: 'Have you ever been hit in the baws by one?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 11 minutes ago, 132goals1958 said: To the thief who stole my anti depressants.------- I hope you're happy. To the barstard with the walking stick who stole my camo jacket......you can hide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 1 hour ago, Lemongrab said: To the barstard with the walking stick who stole my camo jacket......you can hide. To the ******* who stole my copy of Microsoft office. When I find you I will kill you. You have my Word. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted April 28, 2021 Share Posted April 28, 2021 At the beginning of a concert Beethoven yells to the crowd, "Are you ready for some symphonies?" Crowd: "YEAH!" Beethoven: "I can't hear you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me... I had some pretty big shoes to fill! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 I slowly got onto my knees, I put it in my mouth, I started sucking, harder and harder, here it comes I thought to myself, when it finally happened the taste was worse than I could imagine... I'll never siphon petrol again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address... Fortunately none of them can read a map! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.' Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered 'THE TEETH'. ” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adrian Posted May 8, 2021 Share Posted May 8, 2021 Spoiler 💣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiwidoug Posted May 8, 2021 Share Posted May 8, 2021 "Did ye hear, Wullie's committed suicide". "That's terrible, how did he dae it"? " Nae half measures, he built a guillotine and chopped his heid aff." Granny. " He wiz aye self-conscious aboot his dandruff " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 A man breaks into a house and is quietly rummaging around the living room. Suddenly a voice goes: "I can see you and so can Jesus". The man stops, quickly shines his torch around and spots a parrot in a cage. "Oh, just a stupid parrot" the man says, before the parrot replies, "I may be just a stupid parrot but Jesus is a Dobermann" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 1 minute ago, kila said: A man breaks into a house and is quietly rummaging around the living room. Suddenly a voice goes: "I can see you and so can Jesus". The man stops, quickly shines his torch around and spots a parrot in a cage. "Oh, just a stupid parrot" the man says, before the parrot replies, "I may be just a stupid parrot but Jesus is a Dobermann" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 My mate said I wasn't a true cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 Someone stolen all the bus stop signs from our street... For flucks sake, where do these people get off? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 Kids today don't know how well off they are. I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas... No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food, but boy, did we have some laughs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 12, 2021 Share Posted May 12, 2021 I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour." I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted May 12, 2021 Share Posted May 12, 2021 9 hours ago, narre said: Kids today don't know how well off they are. I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas... No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food, but boy, did we have some laughs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted May 12, 2021 Share Posted May 12, 2021 10 hours ago, narre said: I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour." I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!" Bad eczema? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted May 12, 2021 Share Posted May 12, 2021 A man collapsed on the London eye his morning. Medics say he is slowly coming round. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 12, 2021 Share Posted May 12, 2021 I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm... If you can't come let me know! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 12, 2021 Share Posted May 12, 2021 Man: "Excuse me madam. Can I smell your vagina?" Woman: "No you most certainly can not!" Man: "Well perhaps it's your feet then!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted May 12, 2021 Share Posted May 12, 2021 A couple having marital problems went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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