Captain Slog Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 2 hours ago, superjack said: Very nearly pmsl, literally Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 A hawk, lion and skunk were having a debate over who was the best. Hawk: I can fly & have the best sight. Lion: I'm the king of animals. Skunk: I don't have to fight. A crocodile came & swallowed all of them. Hawk, Lion & Stinker. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
whodanny Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 14 hours ago, A Boy Named Crow said: What's in a name eh 😉 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
samgolden Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 On 05/01/2021 at 22:14, superjack said: My wife left me for a tractor salesman. Just got a John Deere letter. I gave up my obsession for tractors years ago you could say I’m a ex-tractor fan Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bunny Munro Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 (edited) Been watching a lot of Roman lesbian pornography. Just saw two girls Caesaring. Edited January 9 by Bunny Munro Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Slog Posted January 14 Share Posted January 14 Never call a horrible cow of a woman a *****. She lacks both the depth and warmth Quote Link to post Share on other sites
trotter Posted January 14 Share Posted January 14 It's a shame you don't see more kids called Lance these days. Back in medieval times they were called Lance a lot. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted January 14 Share Posted January 14 Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter. "Nobody hangs horses darling," I replied. "Who told you that people hang horses?" "I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
superjack Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 What's the difference between a tick and the Eiffel tower? Nothing they're both Paris sites. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Maple Leaf Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 A husband and wife are lying in bed, having just wakened from a night's sleep. Wife: "I had a dream I was at Walmart." Husband: "I had a dream I was in bed with two women." Wife: "Was I one of the women?" Husband. "No, you were at Walmart." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 I'm having difficulty remembering the brand name of fizzy sweets I used to enjoy as a kid, so I'm going on a Refresher course Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 My mate once said, "The first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss." It's true. I still remember mine, an old banger that stank of piss... For the life of me I can't remember what the car was though! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
superjack Posted January 16 Share Posted January 16 The vaccine war is on. Asda offering the Oxford / Astra Zenica for £2.00 Tesco doing 3 for a Pfizer. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
132goals1958 Posted January 17 Share Posted January 17 Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store. As yet the store wasn’t ready with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other.”I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek , and in a soft voice asked . “ What are you selling here. One of the men replied sarcastically. We’re selling a*seholes . Without skipping a beat. The old woman said.” Must be doing well..... Only two left Quote Link to post Share on other sites
superjack Posted Wednesday at 17:06 Share Posted Wednesday at 17:06 Omg I just heard Sting was kidnapped... the Police don't have a lead Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kila Posted Wednesday at 20:43 Share Posted Wednesday at 20:43 I was taking the piss out of a guy with a ridiculous wig on today. He had the last laugh though - sentenced me to 6 months. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted Thursday at 11:30 Share Posted Thursday at 11:30 Accidentally rubbed tomato sauce (ketchup) in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted Thursday at 11:34 Share Posted Thursday at 11:34 Just heard that the local prosthetics shop is changing hands! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
I P Knightley Posted Thursday at 13:54 Share Posted Thursday at 13:54 There are serious problems in the supply chain of he Covid vaccine. The Pfizer Chiefs have predicted a riot. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Auldbenches Posted Thursday at 15:15 Share Posted Thursday at 15:15 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: There are serious problems in the supply chain of he Covid vaccine. The Pfizer Chiefs have predicted a riot. I'm happy to wait if you wanna come back with a better vaccine joke than that... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Smack Posted Thursday at 16:31 Share Posted Thursday at 16:31 (edited) Asked my German friend if he knew what 3x3 is. He said no. Thick ****. Edited Thursday at 16:33 by Smack Quote Link to post Share on other sites
superjack Posted Thursday at 23:42 Share Posted Thursday at 23:42 I've just been offered a job making plastic draculas... Theres only 2 of us on the production line,so I'll be making every second count ... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted Friday at 12:03 Share Posted Friday at 12:03 A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I answered that people who sell fruits & veg's are grocer. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted Friday at 12:24 Share Posted Friday at 12:24 A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak... So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
I P Knightley Posted Friday at 13:40 Share Posted Friday at 13:40 1 hour ago, narre said: A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak... So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy! Ouch!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Maple Leaf Posted Friday at 14:26 Share Posted Friday at 14:26 2 hours ago, narre said: A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak... So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy! OK, the thread title is "crap jokes", but .... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
superjack Posted Friday at 14:40 Share Posted Friday at 14:40 13 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: OK, the thread title is "crap jokes", but .... I actually thought it was 1 of narres better jokes. Nowhere near as good as mine though, but still not bad. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Maple Leaf Posted Friday at 15:16 Share Posted Friday at 15:16 34 minutes ago, superjack said: I actually thought it was 1 of narres better jokes. Nowhere near as good as mine though, but still not bad. There have been some belters on the thread, for sure, but I have a soft spot for dogs. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pans Jambo Posted Friday at 17:29 Share Posted Friday at 17:29 Stood at the bar minding my own when a lovely young lady asked me "You smell really nice, what have you got on"? I replied "I've got a Hard on but I didn't think you could smell it". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
superjack Posted Friday at 17:37 Share Posted Friday at 17:37 7 minutes ago, Pans Jambo said: Stood at the bar minding my own when a lovely young lady asked me "You smell really nice, what have you got on"? I replied "I've got a Hard on but I didn't think you could smell it". A girl came up to me and said she loved my aftershave and asked what it was called. I told her it was called "come to me". She replied "doesn't smell like cum to me". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted yesterday at 03:50 Share Posted yesterday at 03:50 My wife threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt!!!!!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted yesterday at 03:56 Share Posted yesterday at 03:56 People ask me why I'm an Atheist....... I answer, because it's a non-prophet organization. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted yesterday at 03:58 Share Posted yesterday at 03:58 Someone told me when you turn 100 you get a letter from the Queen and when you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
narre Posted yesterday at 03:59 Share Posted yesterday at 03:59 My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with plants... I asked her, "Where's this stemming from petal?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jamstomorrow Posted yesterday at 07:20 Share Posted yesterday at 07:20 I though that I might have Covid as I had a persistent cough. It's OK though as I coughed up a Pathologist. Turns out I had coroner virus. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
A Boy Named Crow Posted yesterday at 07:59 Share Posted yesterday at 07:59 19 hours ago, narre said: A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak... So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy! 18 hours ago, I P Knightley said: Ouch!! 17 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: OK, the thread title is "crap jokes", but .... I've got a wee dug, and she's cracking, but if you don't find this funny, I've got to think you're taking life a bit too seriously 😁 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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