Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[rudi must stay]

Which footballer also builds buildings?

 

Harry Krane

 

[superjack]

I'm starting a new business, a dog special breeds broker, placing thoroughbreds with new owners.  

Does anyone have any Pointers?

[skinnybob72]

21 minutes ago, superjack said:

I'm starting a new business, a dog special breeds broker, placing thoroughbreds with new owners.  

Does anyone have any Pointers?

Be careful with your new venture, I tried to set up a cold air balloon company but it never took off. 

[1953]

I put my phone under my pillow before I went to sleep last night and it was gone this morning with a pound coin in it's place. Damn bluetooth fairy!

[narre]

I've just bought a new bicycle but it came without accessories... If you see any, can you give me a bell?

[narre]

I've got no problem with genetically modified food...

 

Last night I had a lovely leg of salmon!

[narre]

We should thankful for nipples... Without them, boobs would be pointless!

[narre]

I got home from work last night, sat on the edge of the bed, and started to pull my boxers off...

At that point I thought to myself,

 

"I really do spoil these dogs!"

[Kalamazoo Jambo]

16 hours ago, skinnybob72 said:

Be careful with your new venture, I tried to set up a cold air balloon company but it never took off. 

I feel your pain. My origami shop folded

 

[¼½¾]

I remember the time I took a coachload of hookers through to Celtic Park. Everyone was blown away.

[superjack]

Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet?

Big Arnie replies.....

"Ah still love Vista Baby....."

[superjack]

My friend recommended trying horse manure on my rhubarb.
Tasted disgusting, think I'll stick with custard.

[narre]

Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors...

Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing!

[narre]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!

[narre]

I fingered a fortune teller whilst she was on her period...

 

I got my palm red!

[narre]

A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister,

"How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?

"He replies, "Do you mean a choir?"

She said, "Fine. How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

[ri Alban]

The wife was telling me about a story a taxi driver told her. 

 

She said the driver picked up a customer who had a cat with him. So as he's pulling away he put his lighter up to his cat. Immediately the driver said. "Hear you, wtf are you doing?" 

The Bam said"She likes the smell of gas, so I let her smell it". 

The driver said" Do that again and you're out"

 

So he drove about a half mile, and sure enough he did it again, so the driver stopped and Shouted "THAT'S FECKING IT, I'M TAKING YOU TO THE POLIS STATION! "

And at this point the Mrs told me the cat went mental, clawing and climbing all over the taxi and then all of a sudden the cat landed on the front passenger seat and just flops on it's side. 

 

I said" Ah Ffs, did it die? "

 

The wife said" No, it just ran out of gas". 

 

Cannae believe I fell for that. 

 

Edited April 25, 2021 by ri Alban

[superjack]

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me Mister, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so he is on her level, and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft, fluffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girls blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a ****!"

[narre]

Doctor: "Do you look at your wife’s face during sex?"

Me: "I did once and she looked very angry."

Doctor: "Why?"

Me: "Because she was watching from the window!"

[narre]

I'm setting up a group for cyclists who ignore red lights...

 

Please feel free to join Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals!

[narre]

BREAKING NEWS:

 

The world's oldest paperboy dies at 84...

 

86 are wondering where their Daily Mail has got to!

[narre]

A young boy in the bath with his mum asks,

 

"What's that hairy thing?"

 

Mum says, "That's my sponge son."

 

The boy says, "Oh yeah, the babysitter has got one, too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it!"

[superjack]

There's a real shortage of trainees to work as human cannonballs. A circus owner says he just can't find people of the right calibre.

[highlandjambo3]

52 minutes ago, superjack said:

There's a real shortage of trainees to work as human cannonballs. A circus owner says he just can't find people of the right calibre.

I take it he keeps firing them as well

[132goals1958]

To the thief who stole my anti depressants.------- I hope you're happy.

[redjambo]

54 minutes ago, highlandjambo3 said:

I take it he keeps firing them as well

 

Boom, boom!

[¼½¾]

Teacher: 'Can anyone name a vegetable which makes your eyes water?'

Wee Johnny:  'A turnip, miss.'

Teacher: 'A turnip doesn't make your eyes water'.

Wee Johnny: 'Have you ever been hit in the baws by one?'

 

[¼½¾]

11 minutes ago, 132goals1958 said:

To the thief who stole my anti depressants.------- I hope you're happy.

To the barstard with the walking stick who stole my camo jacket......you can hide.

[superjack]

1 hour ago, Lemongrab said:

To the barstard with the walking stick who stole my camo jacket......you can hide.

To the ******* who stole my copy of Microsoft office. When I find you I will kill you. You have my Word.

[Maple Leaf]

At the beginning of a concert Beethoven yells to the crowd, "Are you ready for some symphonies?"

 

Crowd: "YEAH!"

 

Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"

[narre]

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me...

 

I had some pretty big shoes to fill!

[narre]

I slowly got onto my knees,

I put it in my mouth,

I started sucking, harder and harder,

here it comes I thought to myself,

when it finally happened the taste was worse than I could imagine...

 

I'll never siphon petrol again!

[narre]

Following a sexist joke I made the other day, the Feminist Society now has my address...

 

Fortunately none of them can read a map!

[132goals1958]

[1953]

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

'THE TEETH'. ”

[Adrian]

Spoiler

💣

 

[Kiwidoug]

"Did ye hear, Wullie's committed suicide". "That's terrible, how did he dae it"? " Nae half measures, he built a guillotine and chopped his heid aff."

Granny.  " He wiz aye self-conscious aboot his dandruff "

[ri Alban]

What is red and bad for your teeth? 

 

A brick. 

[kila]

A man breaks into a house and is quietly rummaging around the living room. Suddenly a voice goes: "I can see you and so can Jesus". The man stops, quickly shines his torch around and spots a parrot in a cage. "Oh, just a stupid parrot" the man says, before the parrot replies, "I may be just a stupid parrot but Jesus is a Dobermann"

 

[The Real Maroonblood]

1 minute ago, kila said:

A man breaks into a house and is quietly rummaging around the living room. Suddenly a voice goes: "I can see you and so can Jesus". The man stops, quickly shines his torch around and spots a parrot in a cage. "Oh, just a stupid parrot" the man says, before the parrot replies, "I may be just a stupid parrot but Jesus is a Dobermann"

 

[narre]

My mate said I wasn't a true cockney,

 

so I pushed him down the apples and oranges!

[narre]

Someone stolen all the bus stop signs from our street...

 

For flucks sake, where do these people get off?

[narre]

Kids today don't know how well off they are.

I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas...

No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food,

but boy, did we have some laughs!

[narre]

I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me,

"Love your neighbour."

I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!"

[The Real Maroonblood]

9 hours ago, narre said:

Kids today don't know how well off they are.

I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas...

No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food,

but boy, did we have some laughs!

[I P Knightley]

10 hours ago, narre said:

I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me,

"Love your neighbour."

I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!"

Bad eczema?

[superjack]

A man collapsed on the London eye his morning.

Medics say he is slowly coming round. 

[narre]

I'm hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm...

 

If you can't come let me know!

[narre]

Man: "Excuse me madam. Can I smell your vagina?"

Woman: "No you most certainly can not!"

Man: "Well perhaps it's your feet then!"

[narre]

A couple having marital problems went to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said,

"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."

 

The husband said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks!"