GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Ach, you probably won't get it. Quote
InNothingWeTrust Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog? Dr Dre Quote
GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 How many Spanish Glaswegians does it take to change a lightbulb Juan Quote
GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) One How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb? Edited August 26, 2015 by GlasgoJambo Quote
GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog? Dr Dre Ha forgot about Dre Quote
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? The answer's an inedible singing fish. Quote
I P Knightley Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I was on a Scrabble team with Midge Ure. We had four tiles left but they meant nothing to me. O, V, N, R. Quote
Rick Grimes Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog? Dr Dre Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella? For drizzle. Quote
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb must really want to change. Quote
Tazio Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to suck my boaby. Quote
FWJ Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Why does it take a woman with PMT all day to change a light bulb? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK? Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 Ha forgot about Dre Chronic patter Quote
Maiden Gorgie Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Chronic patter Enough Dre jokes, time for the next episode Quote
GlasgoJambo Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 How does Mr Miyagi relax? Whacks off. Quote
Kmeister Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ar$e? Warren Quote
Boris Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call a man wearing a raincoat? Mac What do you call a man wearing two raincoats? Max What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery? Max Bygraves Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 Hear about the fly who won the lottery? He bought a big shite in the country Quote
Hearts007 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Seen a nice shoe outside a shop in Glasgow, so took it inside, put it on and laced it up-perfect fit. Said to the girl "can I have the other one Size 8" "Hid oan the noo" she replied she then returned and gave me the other shoe but when I went to lace it up there where no holes punched out for the lace to go through. " The holes aint punched out on that shoe for the lace" I told her. " I cannae unnerstaun that" she replied so I showed her it.Upon looking at it she then replied. "Oh I unnerstaun noo" "What is it" I said she replied back with " look wit it says inside...Tai-wan" Quote
FWJ Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas. Quote
jambos are go! Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2. Pregnant. Quote
I P Knightley Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Hear about the fly who won the lottery? He bought a big shite in the country What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish. Quote
Ryan Jarman Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I?ve been interrogating the dog for two solid hours. He still won?t tell me who?s a good boy. Quote
LeftBack Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Boy goes to doctors, naked but wrapped in clingfilm. The doc says: "I can clearly see your nuts'. Quote
aussieh Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2. Pregnant.How do you save a unionist from drowning?Take your foot off his head. Quote
ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 What's green and smells like bananas? Monkey sick Quote
robbodog Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Jokes about white sugar are rare but jokes about brown sugar? demerara Quote
robbodog Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 There was an explosion at the alphabet factory, it could spell disaster Quote
¼½¾ Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I thought I was drowning in a fizzy orange ocean. Turned out it was just a fanta sea. Quote
Tazio Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a lorry full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. Quote
Thaw Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 A sheep, a drum and a snake all fall off a cliff together... what does it sound like? Ba-dum-sss! Quote
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you? A snooker table. Quote
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Irishman goes into B&Q That bath you sold me last week keeps on leaking. I'm sorry to hear that, did you make sure the plug was in? Why? Is it electric? Quote
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Guy goes into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.............. Do you sell fishcakes here? Yes sir. Well give me one for Sammy here, its his birthday. Quote
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Two snakes slithering through the jungle........ Dad. Are we venomous snakes or constrictors? Thats a strange question son, why do you ask? Cos I've just bitten my lip. Quote
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Two peanuts walking along the road. One got assaulted. Quote
martoon Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Which 2 days of the week begin with a T ? Quote
I P Knightley Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Which 2 days of the week begin with a T ? Today and Tomorrow? Quote
Pans Jambo Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole "aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance" "Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance" Alternative. Is it dark down there Mick? I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything. Quote
martoon Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Today and Tomorrow? Tuesday and Thursday. ? Quote
Brian Whittaker's Tache Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I've just made a lovely sandwich. Beautiful. I'd go as far to say that it's a masterpiece I have absolutely no handle on current global tastes in pornography. Honestly. I don't know WHAT the world is coming to "Update the force, Luke"Adobe Wan Kenobi Come & see my collection of paintings of South Lanarkshire towns if you want to see the Biggar picture Never give up on your dream. Unless it's the one where you're naked in Argos with Christopher Biggins.(Mostly nicked from Twitter!) Quote
Paolo Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 What does Speedy Gonzalez have under his carpet? Underlay, Underlay. Quote
Pans Jambo Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Alternative. Is it dark down there Mick? I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything. Also:Have you broke anything down there? No, theres nothing down here to break. Quote
aussieh Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Also: Have you broke anything down there? No, theres nothing down here to break. Also:"How am I getting out. Mick?". "Ill shine my torch down and you can climb up the beam paddy". , "that will be right, ill get halfway up and youll turn it off". Quote
Australis Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Went to the dentist. The dentist said "good morning hows the mouth" I said "she has just taken our two boys to school" Quote
i8hibsh Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Wife says to me last night "we never have sex anymore" to which I replied "speak for yourself" Wife shouts at me "you never think of anyone else do you!" to which I replied "how dare you!! everytime we have sex I think about your sister" Quote
daveb15 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) What do you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the B*****d Edited August 28, 2015 by daveb15 Quote
Boris Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 A tanker laden with red paint has run into a tanker laden with brown paint. Both ships have sunk and the cargoes have mixed. All the sailors are now marooned. Quote
friendly_jasper Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 why do hibs supporters smell..... so the blind can get a kick at them. Quote
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