GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know Cos you weren't there man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Ach, you probably won't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HexhamJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's the fastest cake? Scone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InNothingWeTrust Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog? Dr Dre Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How many Spanish Glaswegians does it take to change a lightbulb Juan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) One How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb? Edited August 26, 2015 by GlasgoJambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog? Dr Dre Ha forgot about Dre Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? The answer's an inedible singing fish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I was on a Scrabble team with Midge Ure. We had four tiles left but they meant nothing to me. O, V, N, R. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rick Grimes Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog? Dr Dre Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella? For drizzle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalamazoo Jambo Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb must really want to change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to suck my boaby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Why does it take a woman with PMT all day to change a light bulb? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smithee Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Ha forgot about Dre Chronic patter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maiden Gorgie Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Chronic patter Enough Dre jokes, time for the next episode Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgoJambo Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 How does Mr Miyagi relax? Whacks off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kmeister Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ar$e? Warren Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boris Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call a man wearing a raincoat? Mac What do you call a man wearing two raincoats? Max What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery? Max Bygraves Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smithee Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Hear about the fly who won the lottery? He bought a big shite in the country Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hearts007 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Seen a nice shoe outside a shop in Glasgow, so took it inside, put it on and laced it up-perfect fit. Said to the girl "can I have the other one Size 8" "Hid oan the noo" she replied she then returned and gave me the other shoe but when I went to lace it up there where no holes punched out for the lace to go through. " The holes aint punched out on that shoe for the lace" I told her. " I cannae unnerstaun that" she replied so I showed her it.Upon looking at it she then replied. "Oh I unnerstaun noo" "What is it" I said she replied back with " look wit it says inside...Tai-wan" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jambos are go! Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2. Pregnant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Hear about the fly who won the lottery? He bought a big shite in the country What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I?ve been interrogating the dog for two solid hours. He still won?t tell me who?s a good boy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Boy goes to doctors, naked but wrapped in clingfilm. The doc says: "I can clearly see your nuts'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2. Pregnant.How do you save a unionist from drowning?Take your foot off his head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WSTR Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 What makes a cow go moo? Bananas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smithee Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 What's green and smells like bananas? Monkey sick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbodog Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Jokes about white sugar are rare but jokes about brown sugar? demerara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbodog Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 There was an explosion at the alphabet factory, it could spell disaster Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meathook Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I thought I was drowning in a fizzy orange ocean. Turned out it was just a fanta sea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tazio Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a lorry full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thaw Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 A sheep, a drum and a snake all fall off a cliff together... what does it sound like? Ba-dum-sss! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you? A snooker table. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Irishman goes into B&Q That bath you sold me last week keeps on leaking. I'm sorry to hear that, did you make sure the plug was in? Why? Is it electric? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Guy goes into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.............. Do you sell fishcakes here? Yes sir. Well give me one for Sammy here, its his birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Two snakes slithering through the jungle........ Dad. Are we venomous snakes or constrictors? Thats a strange question son, why do you ask? Cos I've just bitten my lip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deesidejambo Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Two peanuts walking along the road. One got assaulted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Which 2 days of the week begin with a T ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barack Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet. What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bale. Voldemort: Knock Knock Harry Potter: Who's there? Voldemort: You know Harry Potter: You know who? Voldemort: Exactly! Edited August 27, 2015 by robster1980 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Which 2 days of the week begin with a T ? Today and Tomorrow? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole "aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance" "Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance" Alternative. Is it dark down there Mick? I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Today and Tomorrow? Tuesday and Thursday. ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Whittaker's Tache Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 I've just made a lovely sandwich. Beautiful. I'd go as far to say that it's a masterpiece I have absolutely no handle on current global tastes in pornography. Honestly. I don't know WHAT the world is coming to "Update the force, Luke"Adobe Wan Kenobi Come & see my collection of paintings of South Lanarkshire towns if you want to see the Biggar picture Never give up on your dream. Unless it's the one where you're naked in Argos with Christopher Biggins.(Mostly nicked from Twitter!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paolo Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 What does Speedy Gonzalez have under his carpet? Underlay, Underlay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alternative. Is it dark down there Mick? I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything. Also:Have you broke anything down there? No, theres nothing down here to break. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussieh Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Also: Have you broke anything down there? No, theres nothing down here to break. Also:"How am I getting out. Mick?". "Ill shine my torch down and you can climb up the beam paddy". , "that will be right, ill get halfway up and youll turn it off". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Australis Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Went to the dentist. The dentist said "good morning hows the mouth" I said "she has just taken our two boys to school" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i8hibsh Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Wife says to me last night "we never have sex anymore" to which I replied "speak for yourself" Wife shouts at me "you never think of anyone else do you!" to which I replied "how dare you!! everytime we have sex I think about your sister" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daveb15 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) What do you call a bear with no paw? Rupert the B*****d Edited August 28, 2015 by daveb15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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