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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Posted

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Ach, you probably won't get it.

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InNothingWeTrust
Posted

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog?

 

Dr Dre

Posted

How many Spanish Glaswegians does it take to change a lightbulb

 

Juan

Posted (edited)

One

 

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

Edited by GlasgoJambo
Posted

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog?

 

Dr Dre

Ha :lol: forgot about Dre

I P Knightley
Posted

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

The answer's an inedible singing fish.

I P Knightley
Posted

I was on a Scrabble team with Midge Ure.

 

We had four tiles left but they meant nothing to me.

 

O, V, N, R.

Posted

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dog?

 

Dr Dre

Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella?

 

For drizzle.

Kalamazoo Jambo
Posted

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

One, but the lightbulb must really want to change.

Posted

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Two, one to change the bulb and one to suck my boaby.

Posted

Why does it take a woman with PMT all day to change a light bulb?

 

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK?

ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ
Posted

Ha :lol: forgot about Dre

Chronic patter

Maiden Gorgie
Posted

Chronic patter

 

Enough Dre jokes, time for the next episode

Posted

How does Mr Miyagi relax?

 

Whacks off.

Posted

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ar$e?

 

Warren

Posted

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?

 

Mac

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

 

Max

 

 

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats standing in a cemetery?

 

Max Bygraves

ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ
Posted

Hear about the fly who won the lottery?

He bought a big shite in the country

Posted

Seen a nice shoe outside a shop in Glasgow, so took it inside, put it on and laced it up-perfect fit.

Said to the girl "can I have the other one Size 8"

"Hid oan the noo" she replied she then returned and gave me the other shoe but when I went to lace it up there where no holes punched out for the lace to go through.

" The holes aint punched out on that shoe for the lace" I told her.

" I cannae unnerstaun that" she replied so I showed her it.Upon looking at it she then replied.

"Oh I unnerstaun noo"

"What is it" I said

 she replied back with " look wit it says inside...Tai-wan"

Posted

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

 

Doug.

 

 

What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?

 

Douglas.

jambos are go!
Posted

What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2.   Pregnant.

I P Knightley
Posted

Hear about the fly who won the lottery?

He bought a big shite in the country

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

 

Tennish.

Posted
I?ve been interrogating the dog for two solid hours.

He still won?t tell me who?s a good boy.

Posted

Boy goes to doctors, naked but wrapped in clingfilm.

 

The doc says: "I can clearly see your nuts'.

Posted

What do you call an SNP supporter with an IQ of 2.   Pregnant.

How do you save a unionist from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

Posted

What makes a cow go moo?

 

Bananas.

ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ
Posted

What's green and smells like bananas?

 

Monkey sick

Posted

Jokes about white sugar are rare but jokes about brown sugar? demerara

Posted

There was an explosion at the alphabet factory, it could spell disaster

Posted

I thought I was drowning in a fizzy orange ocean.

 

Turned out it was just a fanta sea.

Posted

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a lorry full of terrapins. 

 

It was a turtle disaster.

Posted

A sheep, a drum and a snake all fall off a cliff together... what does it sound like?

 

Ba-dum-sss!

deesidejambo
Posted

Whats green, has six legs, and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A snooker table.

deesidejambo
Posted

Irishman goes into B&Q

 

That bath you sold me last week keeps on leaking.

 

I'm sorry to hear that, did you make sure the plug was in?

 

Why? Is it electric?

deesidejambo
Posted

Guy goes into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm..............

 

Do you sell fishcakes here?

 

Yes sir.

 

Well give me one for Sammy here, its his birthday.

deesidejambo
Posted

Two snakes slithering through the jungle........

 

Dad.  Are we venomous snakes or constrictors?

 

Thats a strange question son, why do you ask?

 

Cos I've just bitten my lip.

deesidejambo
Posted

Two peanuts walking along the road.

 

 

One got assaulted.

Posted

Which 2 days of the week begin with a T ?

I P Knightley
Posted

Which 2 days of the week begin with a T ?

Today and Tomorrow?

Posted

Paddy n Mick walking down the road, Paddy falls down a hole

 

"aaaahhh Mick call me an ambulance"

 

"Paddy's and ambulance, Paddy's an ambulance"

Alternative.

 

Is it dark down there Mick?

 

I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything.

Posted

Today and Tomorrow?

 

Tuesday and Thursday.

 

?

Brian Whittaker's Tache
Posted

I've just made a lovely sandwich.

Beautiful. I'd go as far to say that it's a masterpiece

 

 

 

I have absolutely no handle on current global tastes in pornography.

Honestly. I don't know WHAT the world is coming to

 

 

"Update the force, Luke"
Adobe Wan Kenobi

 

 

Come & see my collection of paintings of South Lanarkshire towns if you want to see the Biggar picture

 

 

Never give up on your dream.

Unless it's the one where you're naked in Argos with Christopher Biggins.

(Mostly nicked from Twitter!)

Posted

What does Speedy Gonzalez have under his carpet?

 

Underlay, Underlay.

Posted

Alternative.

 

Is it dark down there Mick?

 

I don't know Paddy, I cant see anything.

Also:

Have you broke anything down there?

 

No, theres nothing down here to break.

Posted

Also:

Have you broke anything down there?

 

No, theres nothing down here to break.

Also:

"How am I getting out. Mick?".

 

"Ill shine my torch down and you can climb up the beam paddy".

 

:rofl:, "that will be right, ill get halfway up and youll turn it off".

Posted

Went to the dentist.

The dentist said "good morning hows the mouth"

I said "she has just taken our two boys to school"

Posted

Wife says to me last night "we never have sex anymore" to which I replied "speak for yourself"

 

Wife shouts at me "you never think of anyone else do you!" to which I replied "how dare you!! everytime we have sex I think about your sister"

 

 

Posted (edited)

What do you call a bear with no paw?

 

Rupert the B*****d

Edited by daveb15
Posted

A tanker laden with red paint has run into a tanker laden with brown paint.  Both ships have sunk and the cargoes have mixed.

 

All the sailors are now marooned.

friendly_jasper
Posted

why do hibs supporters smell.....         so the blind can get a kick at them.

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