RobNox Posted April 15 Share Posted April 15 10 hours ago, Morgan said: Did you make that one up yourself, Rudi? He makes all of them up himself. You've got to love a trier and the thread is about crap jokes, so Rudi is more than doing his bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it. Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it. The moral of the story?... .. Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim_Duncan Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 3 hours ago, superjack said: A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it. Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it. The moral of the story?... .. Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid. On a similar theme… ”Class, can you give me a sentence with the word ‘judicious’ in it, please?” ”Miss!” ”Yes, little Johnny?” ”Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 6 minutes ago, Jim_Duncan said: On a similar theme… ”Class, can you give me a sentence with the word ‘judicious’ in it, please?” ”Miss!” ”Yes, little Johnny?” ”Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid.” On a slightly tangential theme… ”Class, can you give me a sentence with the word ‘contagious’ in it, please?” ”Miss!” ”Yes, little Johnny?” ”I was nearly late for school. I couldn't brush my teeth because my brother was in the bathroom going to the toilet, and it took the contagious to finish.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim_Duncan Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 2 minutes ago, Ulysses said: On a slightly tangential theme… ”Class, can you give me a sentence with the word ‘contagious’ in it, please?” ”Miss!” ”Yes, little Johnny?” ”I was nearly late for school. I couldn't brush my teeth because my brother was in the bathroom going to the toilet, and it took the contagious to finish.” 😁 Spoiler Declined to report you for breaking rule 4 😜 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 1 minute ago, Jim_Duncan said: 😁 Reveal hidden contents Declined to report you for breaking rule 4 😜 A work colleague of mine went to a Christian Brothers school in Dublin city centre - the same place where James Joyce and Stephen Elliott went to school, as it happens. Anyway, he's a rugby fanatic, and I asked him if he got his interest in the game at school. "Jaysus, no, you'd be in trouble for playing rugby in them days. It was Gaelic football all the way in that school - from the minute you were off the priest's knee." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Watt-Zeefuik Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 The doctor told me to treat my skin condition by taking a bath in milk. I drove out to a local dairy to get the milk in bulk and said I need enough to fill a bathtub. The farmer said, "do you want it pasturized?" and I said no, just up to my chin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FWJ Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 3 hours ago, Watt-Zeefuik said: The doctor told me to treat my skin condition by taking a bath in milk. I drove out to a local dairy to get the milk in bulk and said I need enough to fill a bathtub. The farmer said, "do you want it pasturized?" and I said no, just up to my chin. She said “Ernie, I’ll be ‘appy if it comes up to me chest” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 21 Share Posted April 21 Bugs bunny will never accept files via Google drive, he'll only accept a WhatsApp doc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted April 21 Share Posted April 21 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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Ulysses Posted Wednesday at 22:07 Share Posted Wednesday at 22:07 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted Thursday at 06:21 Share Posted Thursday at 06:21 Texan flies into Sydney, gets in a taxi and asks to go to his hotel in Manly, so they have to go through the city and across the Sydney Harbour Bridge. As they’re driving towards the city, the texan sees the Sydney tower, and asks the taxi driver “What’s that?’ Taxi driver says “Mate, That’s Sydney Tower!” Texan asks ‘How long did it take to build it?” Driver says “Dunno! I think about a year”! Texan says “Back home in Texas I own a construction company, and my boys could’ve done that job in 6 months, tops!” Driver nods, impressed! A bit later the Texan sees the Sydney Harbour Bridge. “Hey Fella, What’s that?” Driver says “ Sydney Harbour Bridge, Mate!” ‘How long did they take to build that?” Yeah, Not sure! I think it took about 2 years!”. Texan says “My boys could’ve knocked that up in under a year, Maximum!” As they’re driving onto the Sydney Harbour Bridge, The Texan looks out his window and sees the Sydney Opera House, he asks the Driver ‘Hey Fella, that white building down there, What’s that?” Driver says ‘Fecked if I know mate! It wasn’t there this morning!’ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Section Q Posted Thursday at 12:02 Share Posted Thursday at 12:02 (edited) .....! Edited Thursday at 12:07 by Section Q Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted Thursday at 12:48 Share Posted Thursday at 12:48 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted Thursday at 12:48 Share Posted Thursday at 12:48 My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Fredrickson Posted Thursday at 12:49 Share Posted Thursday at 12:49 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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