Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[redjambo]

12 hours ago, Elljay said:

I’m 65 and I remember that one from primary school.

 

The other related one was:

 

Dr Cameron, is that an anal thermometer you're writing with?

 

Aye, Janet, some bum's got my pencil.

[Maple Leaf]

23 hours ago, Robbo-Jambo said:

What did the constipated mathethatician do ?

 

He worked it out with his pencil.

 

1 hour ago, redjambo said:

 

The other related one was:

 

Dr Cameron, is that an anal thermometer you're writing with?

 

Aye, Janet, some bum's got my pencil.

 

Some say that the old ones are the best.  Not always. 

[superjack]

If you get a hand job from a deaf girl who communicates via sign language, does it count as a blow job?

[Jacques de Gatineau]

Does anyone remember that joke I made about chiropractors? It was about a week back......

[Watt-Zeefuik]

[JWL]

Wee 4 year old laddie told me the other day he couldn't say please in Spanish, I thought that's poor for four.

[Morgan]

1 hour ago, JWL said:

Wee 4 year old laddie told me the other day he couldn't say please in Spanish, I thought that's poor for four.

I si what you did there.  👀

[Watt-Zeefuik]

It's so tragic that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. -Jack Handy

[Ulysses]

[JudyJudyJudy]

[N Lincs Jambo]

On 23/11/2024 at 12:40, redjambo said:

 

The other related one was:

 

Dr Cameron, is that an anal thermometer you're writing with?

 

Aye, Janet, some bum's got my pencil.

Should that not have been Dr Findlay if Janet was his housekeeper 😂?

 

 Showing my age but I remember quite a few Janet/Dr Findlay jokes from my childhood 

[redjambo]

2 hours ago, N Lincs Jambo said:

Should that not have been Dr Findlay if Janet was his housekeeper 😂?

 

 Showing my age but I remember quite a few Janet/Dr Findlay jokes from my childhood 

 

I wondered that too, but I distinctly remember it being told as Dr Cameron, and he did play a large part in the series so who knows?

[scott herbertson]

1 hour ago, redjambo said:

 

I wondered that too, but I distinctly remember it being told as Dr Cameron, and he did play a large part in the series so who knows?

 

Maybe Dr Cameron was the one who was handy with the anal thermometer? I don't remember that being mentioned much in the series, mind

[samgolden]

On 18/10/2024 at 11:31, superjack said:

Instead of using diesel, I now run my car using herbs. 

It is now capable of thyme travel!

Scientists have invented a car that runs on liquidised Parsley 

they are hoping to make the buses run on Thyme 

[Maple Leaf]

[John Gentleman]

On 28/11/2024 at 05:19, N Lincs Jambo said:

Should that not have been Dr Findlay if Janet was his housekeeper 😂?

 

 Showing my age but I remember quite a few Janet/Dr Findlay jokes from my childhood 

Go on then, this is the place for them

[Watt-Zeefuik]

6 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

That one ground my reading right to a full stop.

[John Findlay]

[stuart500]

On 27/11/2024 at 18:49, N Lincs Jambo said:

Should that not have been Dr Findlay if Janet was his housekeeper 😂?

 

 Showing my age but I remember quite a few Janet/Dr Findlay jokes from my childhood 

 

These 2 sprung to mind..

 

Dr Cameron (to Janet): Put your hand up ma kilt, woman.

Janet: Oh no Dr Cameron I couldn't do that!

Dr Cameron: Put your hand up ma kilt woman!!!

Janet: Oh well OK Dr Cameron....Dr Cameron! It's gruesome!!

Dr Cameron: Pit your hand up again woman and it'll gruesome more!

 

and

 

Janet (to Dr Cameron): Dr Cameron, I've got terrible heartburn!

Dr Cameron: Get yer tit oot ma porridge woman!

 

 

 

[rudi must stay]

What was strange about Westlife's new plane?

 

They were flying without wings 

[Ulysses]

Two statues were standing in the park, a naked man and a naked woman.

 

They had been facing each other for a hundred years.

 

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

 

The angel tells them,

"As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

 

He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.

 

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

 

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

 

The angel looks at her watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"

 

He asks her, "Shall we?"

 

She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you take a shite on its head!"

[Ulysses]

I’m not saying the pub we were in last week was rough, but they had a quiz and the first question was, ‘What the **** are you looking at?’

[Watt-Zeefuik]

50 minutes ago, Ulysses said:

Two statues were standing in the park, a naked man and a naked woman.

 

They had been facing each other for a hundred years.

 

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

 

The angel tells them,

"As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

 

He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.

 

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

 

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

 

The angel looks at her watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"

 

He asks her, "Shall we?"

 

She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you take a shite on its head!"

Genuine LOL. Thank you.

[redjambo]

15 hours ago, Ulysses said:

Two statues were standing in the park, a naked man and a naked woman.

 

They had been facing each other for a hundred years.

 

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

 

The angel tells them,

"As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

 

He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.

 

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

 

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

 

The angel looks at her watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"

 

He asks her, "Shall we?"

 

She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you take a shite on its head!"

 

😁

[Ulysses]

16 hours ago, Watt-Zeefuik said:

Genuine LOL. Thank you.

 

It's literally and unashamedly a crap joke. 

 

[Watt-Zeefuik]

12 minutes ago, Ulysses said:

 

It's literally and unashamedly a crap joke. 

 

Monumentally so!

[Ulysses]

1 hour ago, Watt-Zeefuik said:

Monumentally so!

 

 

 

[Maple Leaf]

I'm suffering terribly from insomnia right now.

 

The good news is that it's only two sleeps until Christmas.

[JudyJudyJudy]

[Ron Burgundy]

16 hours ago, Maple Leaf said:

I'm suffering terribly from insomnia right now.

 

The good news is that it's only two sleeps until Christmas.

As an insomniac I shall be using this one ( will probably have forgotten it in 30 secs).

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

1 hour ago, Ron Burgundy said:

As an insomniac I shall be using this one ( will probably have forgotten it in 30 secs).

 

Sorry to hear that, I was the same for a while, it's absolutely horrible.

[Watt-Zeefuik]

May have done this one already.

 

Two Hibs fans were sitting outside a pub in a village. A stray dog wandered by, and turned around and started licking his own baws.

 

One of the Hibs fan says, "now I wish I could do that."

 

The other one looked at him in disbelief and said, "Surely he'd bite you if you tried!"

[cookieboy]

On 01/11/2024 at 21:56, superjack said:

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.
They had been childhood sweethearts, and after retiring, they returned to their old neighborhood. Hand in hand, they took a walk down memory lane, eventually arriving at their old school.
Surprisingly, the door was open, so they stepped inside. In one of the classrooms, they found the very desk they’d shared years ago, with "I love you, Sally" still carved by Jerry himself.
As they walked back home, an armored car zoomed past, accidentally dropping a bag of money at their feet.
Sally quickly scooped it up. Not sure what to do, they took it home, where she counted out £50.000.. 
"We should give it back," Jerry said.
But Sally replied, "Finders keepers!"
She stashed the bag in the attic.
The next day, two police officers came knocking, investigating the missing money.
"Did either of you happen to find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" one officer asked.
Sally shook her head. "No, officer."
Jerry, however, pointed to the ceiling. "She's lying. It’s up in the attic!"
Sally shot back, "Don’t mind him, officer. He’s getting senile."
The officers, now suspicious, turned to Jerry. "Sir, could you start from the beginning?"
Jerry nodded. "Well, it all started when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”

brilliant 🤣

[cookieboy]

On 13/12/2024 at 01:15, Ulysses said:

Two statues were standing in the park, a naked man and a naked woman.

 

They had been facing each other for a hundred years.

 

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

 

The angel tells them,

"As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

 

He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.

 

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

 

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

 

The angel looks at her watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"

 

He asks her, "Shall we?"

 

She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you take a shite on its head!"

🤣🤣🤣

[Tazio]

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "could I get a large aperitif" 

Barman say "I doubt it mate"

[rudi must stay]

I watched the new Superman trailer

 

Went right over my head 

[kila]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

 

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[RobboM]

[superjack]

A very modest man was in the hospital undergoing a series of tests, one of which left his digestive system in complete disarray.

After several false alarms, he assumed the latest urge to go to the bathroom was another false call and decided to stay in bed.

Unfortunately, he was wrong. He suddenly soiled the bed in a way that left him utterly mortified and unable to think clearly.

In his panic, he leapt out of the bed, grabbed the soiled sheets, and hurled them out of the hospital window in a desperate attempt to rid himself of the evidence.

Outside, an old drunk happened to be staggering by when the sheets landed squarely on him.

Startled and confused, the man began yelling, cursing, and flailing his arms in a frantic attempt to get the mysterious, smelly "attack" off him. In the chaos, he managed to untangle himself, leaving the soiled sheets in a heap on the ground.

As he stood there, swaying unsteadily and staring down at the mess in disbelief, a hospital security guard—who had witnessed the entire scene and was struggling to keep a straight face—approached him and asked,

“What on earth is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring at the pile of sheets, replied with wide-eyed sincerity:

“I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

[ƒιѕнρℓαρѕ]

How do you make a nun's toes curl?

 

**** her with her tights on.

Edited January 9 by ｕｎｋｎｏｗｎｕｓｅｒ

[132goals1958]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed...

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

[larbert_jambo]

What do you call a row of rabbits jumping backwards?

 

A receding hare line 

[King Of The Cat Cafe]

Robinson Crusoe found himself stranded on a desert island with just two companions, a sheep and a Border Collie.

Fortunately there was enough food for all of them and they settled in happily.

After a while Crusoe began to have amorous thoughts towards the sheep.

But every time he tried to cozy up to the ewe, the dog started growling and nipping at him to protect her honour.

This went on for a few months until one day another castaway was washed up on the sand: a blonde so beautiful she put Marilyn Monroe in the shade.

Crusoe says to her one day: "I wonder if you can help me"

"Yes, yes", she says, huskily, suddenly breathing a bit quicker.

"Can you hold the dog for me," says Crusoe.

[Boof]

Hearing that there's been an NHS auditor visit to our local care home due to the excessive ordering of Viagra.
A spokesperson commented, "Well - it's really just for the men. We give them an eighth of a tablet with their morning cuppa an a quarter tablet with their bedtime Horlicks."
"That sounds rather unusual. How can you justify that?", asked the bigwig.
"Well...it's like this, you see. The eighth in the morning stops them pishing over their slippers and the quarter prevents them from rolling out of bed."
 

[Ulysses]

Man at chemist: I applied that pile cream you sold me, and I got a really nasty reaction.

 

Chemist: Where exactly did you apply the cream?

 

Man: On the bus.

[superjack]

I've just mushed up a load of Frosties and milk into a paste and used it to fill the gaps between my tiles.

They're grrrrrrrout!

[John Findlay]

[cookieboy]

6 hours ago, John Findlay said:

[Tazio]

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks at her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

 

 

 

 

[Dawnrazor]

Are Lesbians with fat fingers considered "Hung"?