narre Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked, "How are you so good at this?" "Years of practice," she replied. "Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed. "No, I used to be a bloke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 My girlfriend said that she wasn't very comfortable performing oral sex... So I bought her a pillow to kneel on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
132goals1958 Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 On 27/03/2021 at 23:36, narre said: Whilst doing a crossword I asked the wife, "What's a 4 letter word for a female relative, ends in UNT?" My wife said, "Aunt?" I said, "Pass the tippex!" Old lady sitting in the train doing a crossword . Puzzled look 👀 on her face . 3 across. —- Found at the bottom of a budgies cage —- something something it. . One of the passengers says grit. . Oh dear anyone got an eraser please Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 I was out for a walk in the country with the wife, when we stopped for a rest. "This is where I first had sex.", I said, and pointing to a tree, "Her mother was standing over there." "What! Didn't she say anything?", asked the wife? "Baaa". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 Cold callers ringing me up, trying to sell me funeral plans. That’s the last thing I need... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 3 hours ago, narre said: I was getting a hand job off my new girlfriend when I asked, "How are you so good at this?" "Years of practice," she replied. "Bit of a player in your day?" I laughed. "No, I used to be a bloke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 Two police officers knock on the door of a man’s house. “Is this your wife?” they ask, holding up a photo. “Yes”, replies the man. “Well, I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus,” they say. “Well, yes,” says the man, “but she’s got a lovely personality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 Paddy was working at the sewage farm, when his jacket fell in a tank of shit. He dives in, and after almost drowning manages to grab his coat and climb out. His pal says, "Jesus Paddy, I would have just left the jacket." Paddy says, "I would have, but my sandwiches were in the pocket." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 Two Cows In A Field Which Ones On Holiday? The one with the wee calf What Did The Robot say To The Petrol Pump? Take your finger out your ear when I'm talking to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marvin Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colour anymore? A reptile dysfunction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden... He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 My friend lost his ear in an accident and had to have a pigs ear transplanted on. I asked him if it was working ok. He said, "It's fine apart from a bit of crackling!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 "Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?" "Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter." "Thanks Dad." "No problem Alan!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 Tampax are releasing a limited edition, egg shaped tampon... It's for the Easter period only Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 Does anybody know where I'll can buy a longer dipstick for my car as the current one no longer reaches the oil! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milky_26 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 3 hours ago, 1953 said: Does anybody know where I'll can buy a longer dipstick for my car as the current one no longer reaches the oil! just buy another one and tape them together Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 38 minutes ago, milky_26 said: just buy another one and tape them together Ah right, a dipstick extension, hadn't thought of that!😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott herbertson Posted April 8, 2021 Share Posted April 8, 2021 3 hours ago, 1953 said: Does anybody know where I'll can buy a longer dipstick for my car as the current one no longer reaches the oil! this one's pretty long Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CV's she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.* The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.' 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It is hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.' 'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..' Wally is now working at an Aldi near you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 2 hours ago, superjack said: Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CV's she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.* The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.' 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It is hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.' 'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..' Wally is now working at an Aldi near you! 😄 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?' The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 Just wondering if today's news increases the value of my gold Duke of Edinburgh award. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 4 hours ago, superjack said: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?' The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.' Hilarious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Section Q Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 A Celtic fan wearing the hoops goes into a shop and asks for a pound of mince. The shop keeper says, "We don't have any mince I'm afraid". "In that case I'll have sausages then", he says. "Sorry", says the shop keeper, "We don't have any sausages either I'm afraid". Starting to become irate he says, "Bullshit...I bet if a Rangers fan walks in here you'll have mince and sausages". The shop keeper says assuringly, "No that's not the case at all". "Why not", asks the curious Celtic fan. "Because you're in Halfords"..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 I was laying in bed last night. My wife said "Honey, make me scream with one finger" So I poked the bitch in the eye! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 A guy is having a check up at the doctors. "Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?" "I doubt it," says the doctor, shaking his head. "Mercury is in Uranus right now." "I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc." "Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chong Posted April 10, 2021 Share Posted April 10, 2021 What did the horny frog say? Grabbit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 11, 2021 Share Posted April 11, 2021 I tried explaining to my 4 year old nephew that its perfectly normal to accidently poop your pants .... but he's still making fun of me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 Two old ladies chatting in a cafe, one says to the other "did you come on the bus?" "Yes" she says, "but I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 On 02/04/2021 at 23:13, narre said: "Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?" "Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter." "Thanks Dad." "No problem Alan!" My favourite joke on here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nobreath Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that ****ed the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted April 12, 2021 Share Posted April 12, 2021 1 hour ago, Nobreath said: A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that ****ed the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chong Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 just opened a can of worms. They just sit there wriggling, the worms. Hardly the chaos that's been advertised. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his full time carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He died an hour ago. What did you buy?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
argyjambo Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 21 hours ago, rudi must stay said: My favourite joke on here Straight over my head, that one🤔 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rudi must stay Posted April 13, 2021 Share Posted April 13, 2021 2 hours ago, argyjambo said: Straight over my head, that one🤔 Mine too. Think anagrams Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 14, 2021 Share Posted April 14, 2021 On 13/04/2021 at 07:44, Nobreath said: A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face. The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that ****ed the lion up the ass?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?" Brilliant😆 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 14, 2021 Share Posted April 14, 2021 I once went out with a nurse. One night whilst in the hospital carpark, I got down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage... She turned me down on medical grounds! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 14, 2021 Share Posted April 14, 2021 A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. “Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.” The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. “Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise. “Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!” “Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted April 14, 2021 Share Posted April 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, narre said: I once went out with a nurse. One night whilst in the hospital carpark, I got down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage... She turned me down on medical grounds! I went out with a woman who made moonshine. She treated me badly - but I loved her still. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 14, 2021 Share Posted April 14, 2021 Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at maths." Me: "Yes as a matter of fact I am." Interviewer: "What's 14x27?" Me: "49." Interviewer: "That's not even close." me:"Yeah, but it was fast!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 14, 2021 Share Posted April 14, 2021 Took my son out for his first pint today. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it. Got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like that either, so I had that as well. Same was with the Cider and Guinness... By the time we got to the whiskey I could hardly push the pram! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted April 14, 2021 Share Posted April 14, 2021 Earlier today I saw a bloke running down the road with a cape on. I shouted, "Are you a superhero?" He replied, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted April 14, 2021 Share Posted April 14, 2021 3 hours ago, narre said: Earlier today I saw a bloke running down the road with a cape on. I shouted, "Are you a superhero?" He replied, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!" Was he running backwards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Burgundy Posted April 15, 2021 Share Posted April 15, 2021 Can someone please confirm if I am spelling " misogynist" correctly. Preferably get an answer from a bloke cos I want to make sure it's right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 15, 2021 Share Posted April 15, 2021 I was stood in the queue for the barbers this morning. The line just kept getting longer and longer. Eventually the owner came out and started handing out hot dogs,burgers and chicken wings......it was the best barber queue ever!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted April 15, 2021 Share Posted April 15, 2021 Archeologists in Egypt have uncovered a tomb with the mummified remains covered in chocolate and hazelnut. They believe he was the pharaoh rocher. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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