superjack Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 24 minutes ago, narre said: I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six badgers in a suitcase by the road. "Are they moving?" asked the operator. "I'm not certain," I replied. "But that would explain the suitcase!" I rang the sspca last weekend. I was walking along leith links and seen the hibs starting 11 kicking around a hedgehog. When the sspca got there, the hedgehog was winning 5 1. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willie wallace Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 4 hours ago, John Gentleman said: John Travolta tested negative for Covid-19 last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever. Can't believe it has taken nearly a year for this to turn up👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 5 hours ago, narre said: It was 11 years ago today that my pal James came running out the room shouting, "It's a boy, it's a boy!"with tears streaming down his face... We never went back to Thailand! 🤣🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Whilst chatting to my mate on Zoom last night, he said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?" "That's my new girlfriend," I replied. "Really?" he said. "You've kept that one quiet!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 I put an aubergine down my pants to try and impress the ladies last night, but they all ran away... I think I'll put it down the front next time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 I came out of the toilet earlier, did up my zip and said, "I'd give it ten minutes. " My wife said, "Urgh, have you done a smelly shit?" I said, "No, your sister's putting her knickers back on!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. It's a little fit bunny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 On 26/08/2015 at 16:05, sandyk said: What do you call a deer with no eyes No idea What do you a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 On 23/10/2015 at 07:16, Swanny17 said: What's the difference between a duck? One of its feet is both the same. Did you ever explain this, Swanny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Did you know that I can communicate with vegetables? That's right, Jack and the beans talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Worthing Jambo Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 12 hours ago, John Findlay said: I think this one is better John. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 18 minutes ago, Worthing Jambo said: I think this one is better John. 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dougal Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 I went to a restaurant last night. The owner asked "are you ok to wait"? "Of course" I said. "Great, take these drinks to table 4". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Gilbert O'Sulliven came into my back earlier today, he was after a loan again, naturally! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 I visited my mate today and used his new bathroom. He had one of these things for cleaning your bum. "What, a bidet?" No, a facecloth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his £2 back.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 I've started using garlic in my magic act... First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts, and then I blend them altogether with some parmesan and olive oil... Then hey, pesto! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 There is a story on the news about an Avon lady that ate all her cosmetics and is now terribly constipated... You can't shit this make up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 A man walks up to a woman in a nightclub and says, "Hi, the name's Bond." She says, "Don't tell me - your first name's James?" "No," he replies. "It's Uni - I'm here to fill your crack!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Real Maroonblood Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 1 hour ago, narre said: A man walks up to a woman in a nightclub and says, "Hi, the name's Bond." She says, "Don't tell me - your first name's James?" "No," he replies. "It's Uni - I'm here to fill your crack!" 😀 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CostaJambo Posted February 19, 2021 Share Posted February 19, 2021 Someone offered me a broken telly for nothing today, the only thing wrong with it was a broken volume button. I thought, how can I turn that down? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CostaJambo Posted February 19, 2021 Share Posted February 19, 2021 A dyslexic kid asked his mum if he could have McDonalds for tea. She said "fine, I will get you that if you can spell it". He replied "Oh for heaven's sake, forget it, I'll just have KCF then". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 20, 2021 Share Posted February 20, 2021 My son has just come home carrying a sofa and an arm chair. He said, "Someone has just given me these." So I grounded him... I've warned him about accepting suites from strangers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 20, 2021 Share Posted February 20, 2021 I bought a new laptop & it has a fingerprint scanner instead of a password. Naturally I used my penis as the fingerprint. Every time I open it I have to press my penis against the scanner. It was the funniest thing I'd ever done. Slipped my mind that I have to take it to work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willie wallace Posted February 20, 2021 Share Posted February 20, 2021 14 hours ago, CostaJambo said: A dyslexic kid asked his mum if he could have McDonalds for tea. She said "fine, I will get you that if you can spell it". He replied "Oh for heaven's sake, forget it, I'll just have KCF then". 😀😀 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted February 20, 2021 Share Posted February 20, 2021 I phoned my local chippy last night and asked “do you do takeaway?” “Yes, of course” the man replied. ”Great, well can you tell me, what’s 163 - 27?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted February 20, 2021 Share Posted February 20, 2021 Just a quick update to let everyone know how I am. I was admitted to hospital this morning and they are keeping me in, I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Japan Jambo Posted February 20, 2021 Share Posted February 20, 2021 On 09/11/2020 at 17:34, Sawdust Caesar said: The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse". Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first... 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted February 20, 2021 Share Posted February 20, 2021 There's nothing worse after sex than looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick... Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 On 28/01/2021 at 13:57, narre said: I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. I used to be pretentious, but non maintenant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No Idle Talk Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 Knock Knock? Who's there? Banana Banana who? Knock Knock? Who's there? Banana Banana who? Knock knock? Who's there? Banana Banana who? Knock Knock? Who's there? Banana Banana who? Knock Knock? Who's there? Orange Orange who? Orange you glad I never said banana again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott herbertson Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 8 hours ago, No Idle Talk said: Knock Knock? Who's there? Banana Banana who? Knock Knock? Who's there? Banana Banana who? Knock knock? Who's there? Banana Banana who? Knock Knock? Who's there? Banana Banana who? Knock Knock? Who's there? Orange Orange who? Orange you glad I never said banana again The old ones are the worst Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulysses Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 I just opened my fridge and it really smells of basil... I think it's faulty! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 "Mummy, where do babies come from? " "Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies." "Do mummies eat it?" "Only if they want new shoes!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?" She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbo-Jambo Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 50 minutes ago, narre said: A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?" She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive!" 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martoon Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 7 hours ago, narre said: A man sees a lady with big breasts. He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for £1000?" She agrees. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive!" 👏😄 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 (edited) Not really a joke just an amusing sign...or a very niche market. Edited March 1, 2021 by Boof Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 2, 2021 Share Posted March 2, 2021 (edited) My mate donald was born with no eye lids, so they circumcised him to get something to make eye lids out of. It was sort of a success, now he's just a little cock eyed. Edited March 2, 2021 by superjack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted March 3, 2021 Share Posted March 3, 2021 Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted March 3, 2021 Share Posted March 3, 2021 15 hours ago, superjack said: My mate donald was born with no eye lids, so they circumcised him to get something to make eye lids out of. It was sort of a success, now he's just a little cock eyed. I was expecting a punchline involving lots of blinking and shooting his load in his undercrackers. "Cock-eyed" is less contrived, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 A penguin takes his car to a mechanic, complaining that the engine is spraying oil. The mechanic says, "It'll take me a hour to get to it and have a look. Why don't you go to the cafe across the street and wait, and I'll ring you on your mobile." The penguin gives him his number, then goes for some lunch. He orders a vanilla ice cream cone for dessert, and just as he start to eat it, the mechanic calls. He hurries from the cafe, quickly and sloppily finishing his ice cream cone. He walks up to the mechanic and asks, "So what do you think?" The mechanic looks at him and says, "Looks like you've blown a seal", to which the penguin get get very defensive, wipes his mouth and says, "No, I was just eating some ice cream." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 So my wife said to me earlier “what’s your view on Euthanasia?” “I guess they’re mostly a pleasant bunch” I replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 Bargain! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeftBack Posted March 6, 2021 Share Posted March 6, 2021 Totally appreciate what he did and upmost respect. But I didn't think it could get worse for Simon Weston. He was buying champagne and booking holidays after winning the pools. But when he went to collect his money he remembered he had burnt his coupon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
80bob Posted March 7, 2021 Share Posted March 7, 2021 The wife came back from the doctors in tears . She said the doctor passed her a note saying she had a nice f@nny and she needs pumped everyday. Turns out she has acute angina and dyslexia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
80bob Posted March 7, 2021 Share Posted March 7, 2021 Told my mate that I had taken the wife to North Wales for a romantic weekend. ”Bangor” he replied. Till it hurt I said Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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