superjack Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 Omg I just heard Sting was kidnapped... the Police don't have a lead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kila Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 I was taking the piss out of a guy with a ridiculous wig on today. He had the last laugh though - sentenced me to 6 months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 Accidentally rubbed tomato sauce (ketchup) in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 Just heard that the local prosthetics shop is changing hands! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 There are serious problems in the supply chain of he Covid vaccine. The Pfizer Chiefs have predicted a riot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Auldbenches Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 1 hour ago, I P Knightley said: There are serious problems in the supply chain of he Covid vaccine. The Pfizer Chiefs have predicted a riot. I'm happy to wait if you wanna come back with a better vaccine joke than that... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smack Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 (edited) Asked my German friend if he knew what 3x3 is. He said no. Thick ****. Edited January 21, 2021 by Smack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 I've just been offered a job making plastic draculas... Theres only 2 of us on the production line,so I'll be making every second count ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I answered that people who sell fruits & veg's are grocer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak... So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I P Knightley Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 1 hour ago, narre said: A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak... So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy! Ouch!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 2 hours ago, narre said: A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak... So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy! OK, the thread title is "crap jokes", but .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 13 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said: OK, the thread title is "crap jokes", but .... I actually thought it was 1 of narres better jokes. Nowhere near as good as mine though, but still not bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 34 minutes ago, superjack said: I actually thought it was 1 of narres better jokes. Nowhere near as good as mine though, but still not bad. There have been some belters on the thread, for sure, but I have a soft spot for dogs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pans Jambo Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 Stood at the bar minding my own when a lovely young lady asked me "You smell really nice, what have you got on"? I replied "I've got a Hard on but I didn't think you could smell it". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superjack Posted January 22, 2021 Share Posted January 22, 2021 7 minutes ago, Pans Jambo said: Stood at the bar minding my own when a lovely young lady asked me "You smell really nice, what have you got on"? I replied "I've got a Hard on but I didn't think you could smell it". A girl came up to me and said she loved my aftershave and asked what it was called. I told her it was called "come to me". She replied "doesn't smell like cum to me". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 My wife threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 People ask me why I'm an Atheist....... I answer, because it's a non-prophet organization. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Someone told me when you turn 100 you get a letter from the Queen and when you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 My wife left me because she said I was obsessed with plants... I asked her, "Where's this stemming from petal?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamstomorrow Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 I though that I might have Covid as I had a persistent cough. It's OK though as I coughed up a Pathologist. Turns out I had coroner virus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A Boy Named Crow Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 19 hours ago, narre said: A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak... So to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy! 18 hours ago, I P Knightley said: Ouch!! 17 hours ago, Maple Leaf said: OK, the thread title is "crap jokes", but .... I've got a wee dug, and she's cracking, but if you don't find this funny, I've got to think you're taking life a bit too seriously 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swanny17 Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 Why do they have signs in hospital car parks that say "Thieves operate here"? I'd feel safer with a surgeon if I'm being honest! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWL Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 On 23/01/2021 at 03:50, narre said: My wife threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt!!!!!!!! She threw a lettuce at me last week, that was just the tip of the iceberg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 Met a girl the other night. I said, "I'm gonna make love to you in my lounge, bedroom, kitchen, and the hallway!" She said, "It's nice to pull a bloke with your kind of stamina!" She was gutted when I took her back to my caravan! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1953 Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 Once upon a time there was a plane crash and the only two survivors were washed up onto a desert island. The survivors were an ordinary guy called Joe and the very lovely actress Jennifer Aniston. They got on very well together and set about building a shelter, sourcing food and water etc, then one day the inevitable happened and they started a sexual relationship. This went on for a few months until one day Joe asked Jennifer if she would mind putting his hat and coat on, painting a beard and moustache on her face and letting him call her Bob as he needed a male pal to talk to about football and things. She went along with it just to humour him and they set off along the beach for a walk. After a few minutes talking about football Joe turned to Bob and said “Hey Bob, you’ll never guess who I’m shagging”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maple Leaf Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 8 hours ago, John Findlay said: Superb! It's the unexpected twist in the story that makes it work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 Why do cows wear bells? Cause their horns don't work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base, eventually the testicle will be sucked inside. If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 I've just started an online engraving course... There's so much to learn though and so far we've hardly scratched the surface. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Findlay Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Auldbenches Posted January 27, 2021 Share Posted January 27, 2021 Just heard a beautiful song on the radio about an Irish hermaphrodite. ****** boy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 I went for an interview on a building site today. The foreman asked me, "Can you make tea?" I said, "Yes!" He then asked, "Can you drive a forklift?" I replied, "Why? How big's the ****** kettle?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ri Alban Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) Paddy started on a building site today. The foreman tells him "See that blue container, (paddy nods) go down there and bring up a wheelbarrow" Ten minutes later paddy comes back pushing a wheelbarrow with another wheelbarrow on top. The foreman shouts "I only fecking wanting one" Paddy shouts back" If you think I was fecking carrying it, you're off your nut ya prick" Edited January 28, 2021 by ri Alban Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 John Travolta tested negative for Covid-19 last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 I saw an advert for burial plots, and thought to myself "that's the last thing I need". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 They get worse..... Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 .....and worserer... I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year due to Covid. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," .... but it was hard for me to be positive as I watched him slip away.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a feckin light bulb in the fridge? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Gentleman Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 ....and finally! Don't let your worries get the better of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, John Gentleman said: My dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," .... but it was hard for me to be positive as I watched him slip away.. My mother in law was worried, waiting for the results of the Covid test she had the other day. I told her to be positive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six badgers in a suitcase by the road. "Are they moving?" asked the operator. "I'm not certain," I replied. "But that would explain the suitcase!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narre Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 It was 11 years ago today that my pal James came running out the room shouting, "It's a boy, it's a boy!"with tears streaming down his face... We never went back to Thailand! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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