iantjambo Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 KB really is brilliant at times. Nothing better than rooting for an absolute stranger that Ive never met with a dodgy user name purely so that he can get his hole. Gon yerself wee man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 KB really is brilliant at times. Nothing better than rooting for an absolute stranger that Ive never met with a dodgy user name purely so that he can get his hole. Gon yerself wee man Ahem....big man!! Well at least that's what I told her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester copperpot Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Ahem....big man!! Well at least that's what I told her I call everyone wee man due to me being 6ft 6 and was in no way reference to the size of your ******. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riddley Walker Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Salad I would just tactical tug it all day. Once an hour til you meet her. Better safe than sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester copperpot Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Salad I would just tactical tug it all day. Once an hour til you meet her. Better safe than sorry. Jesus, I would do that twice then cancel the date as I would have expended all my energy up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 You're not getting any work done today are you? Got your best banter ready? Know any good jokes? (Women love comedy. Not in the bedroom though, I've found out.) What aftershave after you going to wear? Smell nice with a good scent, and she'll practically be sliding off the pub chair. Tactical-tug? Think you'll cover that seemingly. Phone FULLY charged. Can you remember where the clitoris is? Very important piece of equipment. Don't rush out for Bagpipe Championships in the morning though. You'll hurt her feelings. Unless you slip her a morning glory before you do... not a lot no, thankfully my boss is off today and usually when that happens on a Friday it's a chippy lunch and tunes on. Hit her with my best banter on Wednesday night but hopefully ill be able to regale her with some funny stories from through the years. She's easy to chat to so shouldn't be a problem. It's a toss-up between JP Gaultier or Hugo Boss tonight. Perhaps you lads can recommend which one. ill be taking my charger with me, just in case I need to plan an escape. I told her I would need to leave early on Saturday, she even offered to drop me off. I said no it's okay just drop me at the train station and ill make my own way from there. To keep her sweet I said I would meet her on Saturday night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 If you are struggling to keep the wolf form the door then just remember, there are a group of strangers on an internet subforum all rooting for you champ. Just remember to not say 'Do it for The Shed' out loud, she might question that. Don't let us down; regale us with tales of glory. Or let us down and tell us about that. Not fussed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Salad I would just tactical tug it all day. Once an hour til you meet her. Better safe than sorry. That's terrible advice, he needs to keep something for the lady in question Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester copperpot Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 If you are struggling to keep the wolf form the door then just remember, there are a group of strangers on an internet subforum all rooting for you champ. Just remember to not say 'Do it for The Shed' out loud, she might question that. Don't let us down; regale us with tales of glory. Or let us down and tell us about that. Not fussed. You are slowly becoming my favourite poster. Genuine lol moment there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riddley Walker Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 If you're not going to Periscope at least wear a wire. Do you have a hairy chest? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prince Buaben Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 To keep her sweet I said I would meet her on Saturday night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¼½¾ Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 (edited) Remember to have a gentleman's wash in the pub bogs, just before getting the taxi. It's nice to be nice and maybe it'll soothe things after the hourly tugging. PS you can put a johnny on then too, to save time later. Edited August 12, 2016 by Lemongrab Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tian447 Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 (edited) The important question, is are you going to trim your baw hair before you go? Trim your gentleman's area but don't shave, otherwise you'll have razor burn. No woman is going to want to be presented with the Black Forest when she finally gets your belt off. Likewise, she isn't going to want your ****** to look like it's got acne, so try and keep a healthy balance. Remember before you go out, to put a wee spray of deodorant right on your hoop. No-one is going to want their bedroom to smell of arse afterwards. It'll burn a wee bit, but not for long and it keeps the whole downstairs area smelling fresh. If you're a 2 pump chump, get absolutely plastered beforehand. It'll sort that right out, and even if it doesn't, you won't be in any fit state to care. A tactical wank (henceforth referred to as TacWank) will put you in good standing to make the main event a success, so best have 2 or 3 before you leave. Edited August 12, 2016 by tian447 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Remember to have a gentleman's wash in the pub bogs, just before getting the taxi. It's nice to be nice and maybe it'll soothe things after the hourly tugging. PS you can put a johnny on then too, to save time later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tian447 Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Offering to drop you off? Deal's sealed. Hugo Boss by the way. Or nip out at lunch, and buy yourself some Armani Code, Issay Miyake or 1 Million by Paco Rabanne. Any of them will leave her like putty. Spicebomb. I actually got the recommendation from a post in the Shed years ago, and it's proved to be a winner with every girl in the past 2 years or so Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homme Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Cool Waters, Joop or Farenheit Takes me back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephane Grappelli Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Big night tonight. When you get back to hers I would be grateful if you both set up a Fantasy Premier League team and pay a fiver. Cheers. Great idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 Cool Waters, Joop or Farenheit Takes me back! Cool Waters still smells good. A guy from the band I room shared with in France last year had a bottle with him. I used it every night we went out This was the ones to get the chicks at the school dance c.1995/96, along with a pastel Ben Sherman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homme Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Bet you got all the girls at the skool disco with those bad boys! Drowning in Cool Water. Got my first kiss wearing Joop. School Xmas disco 1999. In the music corridor cos didn't want anyone to see. Not sure why cos she was / still is gorgeous! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homme Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 We'll be the judge of that. Facebook pics. I couldn't possibly. She ended up a footballers WAG for a period of time though. That might give you an indication of her looks, but not intelligence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 Depends whose WAG she was? Michael Mols' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homme Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Michael Mols' Rumbled! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 (edited) Could be Willo Flood. Anyway, what the **** are you doing here? Away and have a ****. You've not got long to get ready. Maybe he was doing it while typing Edited August 12, 2016 by iantjambo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robbo1874 Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Always groom. Shorter the grass the taller the tree. Also I have some wee blue fellas if required. You can hammer nails in with your old man after one of them. Is the heavy burd with the steak pie? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boof Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 KB really is brilliant at times. Nothing better than rooting for an absolute stranger that Ive never met with a dodgy user name purely so that he can get his hole. Gon yerself wee man Brilliant, Chester. Literal lol-ing with tears. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Sausage Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 **** the football. These threads make Kickback. Do it for the shed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hansel Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 https://youtu.be/M3iOROuTuMA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riddley Walker Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 For the Shhheeeeeddddddd For the Shhheeeeeddddddd Puump her, puump her, pu-ump her her her. To the tune of: Please don't have this stuck in your head as you're doing the deed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 Salad's next 24 hours could be summed up here, as he prepares for his date with JKB ( and with her) at Frankenstein's... I just burst out laughing imagining strolling into the boozer and busting those moves. Could go either way that one. For the Shhheeeeeddddddd For the Shhheeeeeddddddd Puump her, puump her, pu-ump her her her. To the tune of: Please don't have this stuck in your head as you're doing the deed Could be a good way of "keeping the wolf from the door" as Alan Partridge said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Camazzola Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I can just imagine Salad's chat being full of anecdotes taken straight from the Classics section. In terms of spray for tonight, I suggest Chanel Allure. Thank me later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthVodka Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 I can just imagine Salad's chat being full of anecdotes taken straight from the Classics section. In terms of spray for tonight, I suggest Chanel Allure. Thank me later. Hopefully not from the classics section of JKB......'I had to shite in a field tonight' chat would not be a winner I suspect....... But you never know! If she is into that then SF is in for a wild night Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 Hopefully not from the classics section of JKB......'I had to shite in a field tonight' chat would not be a winner I suspect....... But you never know! If she is into that then SF is in for a wild night you never know, she could be like that girl that someone was talking about earlier in the thread, asking if she should get ice cream as it would make a difference as to what consistency it came out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester copperpot Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 What time's the date happening at. Just so I can set my alarm so I dont miss the updates 'live' The Olympic viewing can wait for a while Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iantjambo Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 What time's the date happening at. Just so I can set my alarm so I dont miss the updates 'live' The Olympic viewing can wait for a while I hope SF appreciates that we've all put out Friday night on hold so that we can find out when he's slipped her a length Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tweegy Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Going to a leaving party but all I care about is if SF doesn't blow it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Can we not rig a "red button" type thing for tonight's main event?!..........queue the jokes about the "wee red button" Salad Fingers will hoping to press Tonight!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tian447 Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Can we not rig a "red button" type thing for tonight's main event?!..........queue the jokes about the "wee red button" Salad Fingers will hoping to press Tonight!!! Doubt it'll get that far to be fair. The slightest touch through the underwear and the excuses will be being made. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tweegy Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Doubt it'll get that far to be fair. The slightest touch through the underwear and the excuses will be being made. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Салатные палочки Posted August 12, 2016 Author Share Posted August 12, 2016 What time's the date happening at. Just so I can set my alarm so I dont miss the updates 'live' The Olympic viewing can wait for a while [emoji1] meeting her at half 7. Now her plan is to go to the pub but I'm hopeful that she changes her mind and wants to stay in. Sent from my SM-A310F using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chester copperpot Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 [emoji1] meeting her at half 7. Now her plan is to go to the pub but I'm hopeful that she changes her mind and wants to stay in. Sent from my SM-A310F using Tapatalk Picking up the bairn at 8 tnite and driving at breakneck speeds to get back so I don't miss anything. Right charmer you eh? 2nd date and you want to stay in! Take round a bottle or 3 of wine and get her half jake'd then unleash the charm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawnrazor Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Right cTake round a bottle or 3 of wine and get her half jake'd then unleash the charm. And the Web Cam!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Private Hudson Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Picking up the bairn at 8 tnite and driving at breakneck speeds to get back so I don't miss anything. Right charmer you eh? 2nd date and you want to stay in! Take round a bottle or 3 of wine and get her half jake'd then unleash the charm. Is that what you call your 'old chap'? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riddley Walker Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 (edited) Go to the pub for a bit mate. It'll get the atmosphere and the chat going, go somewhere fairly lively and you'll both get pished quicker and drink quicker, which is surely what you want for a first time shag. You need to get off to a good start in the sack, you don't want to be doing that shit at half 8 when you're sober. Pub till 11, roll back to hers for midnight and that's it. Half hourly updates please. Actually I want a sex update earlier than half 12, if you could bring forward my carefully thought out schedule by a couple of hours that would be great. Edited August 12, 2016 by Riddley Walker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryan Jarman Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Pizza ordered. Carry out in. Phone off the hook. Dialled into this thread for the evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tweegy Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 45 min call! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Auld Reekin' Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Picking up the bairn at 8 tnite and driving at breakneck speeds to get back so I don't miss anything. Right charmer you eh? 2nd date and you want to stay in! Take round a bottle or 3 of wine and get her half jake'd then unleash the charm. A very risky strategy, according to another recent thread... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riddley Walker Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 Hope you've had your TW by now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riddley Walker Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 You've not been this excited about a sex life, since the day you broke out of your ex's dungeon. There's a tiny part of me that thinks this is all a ploy by "tweegy" and Salad Fingers' will never get a chance to post an update. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tweegy Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 You've not been this excited about a sex life, since the day you broke out of your ex's dungeon. Not had a sex life since Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tweegy Posted August 12, 2016 Share Posted August 12, 2016 We need updates! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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