Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

[narre]

The barmen last night said, "You look terrible.

Why not have a glass of whisky for 20p?"

 

I thought, "That's a cheap shot!"

[I P Knightley]

1 hour ago, narre said:

 

Looking for a bit of advice.

What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day?

6?

12?

24?

 

 

 

Or the whole tin?

Don't overthink it. Just give her 1. 

[Cairneyhill Jambo]

Panda walks into a bar and asks the barman "can i have a vodka and.............................................................cola please?"

 

The barman replies "whats the big pause all about? "

 

The panda says "**** knows, i was born with them."

[superjack]

When you die, which body parts die last?

The pupils, they dilate.

[superjack]

Bill was walking down the street when he ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for a while, so they went into a coffee shop to catch up.

"Did you hear that old Dave died the other day?" Bill asked. "What? But I just saw him last week! How did it happen?" "Well, he was coming around to my place when his car skidded on the stones out front, smashed through the fence, flipped into the air and he was hurled through the windscreen and straight through the upstairs bedroom window".

"Boy, poor old Dave. What a way to go".

"No, that didn't kill him. There he was, lying in broken glass on the bedroom floor, so he grabbed hold of the wardrobe door handle to pull himself up, and ended up tipping the whole thing over, fell right on top of him".

"Damn! Crushed to death!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He got to his feet, tripped on the loose glass, staggered out the bedroom door and straight down the stairs, taking the banisters with him. Ended up at the bottom of the stairs with a banister pole through his chest".

"Speared to death! My god!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He managed to stand up and go into the kitchen, slipped on the blood from his chest, fell forward, went straight through the glass oven door and ended up with his head in the roasting pan".

"So gassed to death!"

"No, that didn't kill him. He picked himself up and..."

"Wait a minute, after all that he still wasn't dead? How did he die then?" "I shot him". "You shot him??? Why???" "I had to... he was wrecking the place!

[superjack]

Wife phoned me from work on Valentine's Day saying three of the girls in the office had received flowers and they're absolutely gorgeous.

That's probably why they got the flowers then and you didn't, I replied. 

[RobNox]

What's one foot long and slippery?

 

A slipper

[RobNox]

I went to my local Blockbusters and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.

 

No, said the assistant, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

[narre]

I once went out with a nurse.

One night whilst in the hospital carpark,

I got down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage...

She turned me down on medical grounds!

[narre]

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house,

my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal.

You go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."

I replied, "Don't be stupid. We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once!"

[Lemongrab]

For Valentine's Day, I bought my wife a gold necklace from eBay.

After I'd fastened it on, her skin started to go a funny blue colour,

so I assumed it was a fake.

 

Turned out it was a bracelet.

[narre]

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barman says, "What an interesting pet. What's his name?"

"Tiny," the man replies. "What an odd name. Why do you call him Tiny?"

 

 

"Because, he's my newt!"

[superjack]

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

[Jeff]

5 minutes ago, superjack said:

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

 

Fs

[Smithee]

4 hours ago, Jeff said:

 

Fs

 yep

[superjack]

11 hours ago, Jeff said:

 

Fs

 

6 hours ago, Smithee said:

 yep

Boooooo.

[Smithee]

1 minute ago, superjack said:

 

Boooooo.

It's the reason this thread exists mate, what's a crap joke without a "jesus christ" in response?

[superjack]

3 hours ago, Smithee said:

It's the reason this thread exists mate, what's a crap joke without a "jesus christ" in response?

I know, I just thought it was an amazing joke. Well it would have been after 10 pints and a few smokes. 😉

[superjack]

People often ask me, how I manage to smuggle chocolate into the pictures?
Well....I have a few Twix up my sleeve

[Lemongrab]

In a job interview, the manager is looking at an American applicant's CV, and asks him, "Why is there a 4 year gap?".

  The guy says "Yale."

"Can you start on Monday?

   "Great, I was desperate for a yob."

 

[ri Alban]

8 hours ago, superjack said:

People often ask me, how I manage to smuggle chocolate into the pictures?
Well....I have a few Twix up my sleeve

That's a REVELation. 

[redjambo]

On 18/02/2020 at 19:41, superjack said:

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.

 

I agree with other people's comments on this joke.

 

What was the weasel in weasel years?

 

If we're talking the common UK species, Mustela nivalis, they have an average lifespan of 2-3 years. For a weasel to get to 13, it would be the equivalent of over 400 years old, i.e. not very possible. That barman should be sacked if he thought that weasel looked "extremely young" - you just can't get the staff these days. Give that very geriatric weasel the run of the bar, I say!!!

 

[highlandjambo3]

4 hours ago, ri Alban said:

That's a REVELation. 

He was bounty say that 

[superjack]

5 hours ago, highlandjambo3 said:

He was bounty say that 

An out of the galaxy pun.

 

[superjack]

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.

"Go ahead," he said, "Knock yourself out."

[Vlad Magic]

I’ve just been diagnosed with Corona Virus.

 

If anyone knows anyone with Lymes disease could they pass on my details please?

[JFK-1]

Donald Trump goes into a library and loudly says a big mac and fries please. The librarian says, sir, this is a library. Trump looks embarrassed, whispers, a big mac and fries please.