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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)

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superjack

A guy goes to see his doctor, and after an examination, he asks the dr of he will be ok?

Dr says "doubt it, mercury is in Uranus".

Guy says "I dont do that astrology". 

Dr replies "me neither, my thermometer just broke".

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Maple Leaf

My pet mouse, Elvis,died today.

 

He was caught in a trap.

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Lemongrab

I got a text saying... Congratulations, you are the winner of our Elvis competition.

 

You have the choice of two prizes.

 

Option 1: £100

Option 2: Tickets for an Elvis tribute concert.

 

To select, reply with 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

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Lemongrab

I've bought my wife some prozac suppositories for her birthday.

 

If she isn't happy she can shove them up her arse. 

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FWJ

What do the films Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common?

 

Icy dead people.

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Swanny17
On 29/09/2019 at 12:15, Lemongrab said:

I've bought my wife some prozac suppositories for her birthday.

 

If she isn't happy she can shove them up her arse. 


For her last birthday, I got my wife an elephant for the living room. "Thank you" she said.  "Don't mention it" I replied.

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Swanny17

They say you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket, but now I feel like a muppet trundling around Tesco with 6 baskets!!!

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pharmaceutical01
On 29/09/2019 at 12:15, Lemongrab said:

I've bought my wife some prozac suppositories for her birthday.

 

If she isn't happy she can shove them up her arse. 

Or the old pharmacy joke .....suppositories ...you may as well shove them up yer arse for all the good they’ll do you!!

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ri Alban

Paddy starts work as a labourer. His first day on site the Foreman says " Right Paddy, go up the compound I showed you this morning, go into the blue container and take a wheelbarrow up to plot 51"

 

First minutes last, Paddy appears, pushing a wheelbarrow, with a wheelbarrow on top.

 

The Foreman says "FFS Paddy, only asked you to bring one wheelbarrow"

 

Paddy replies" Do you think I was fecking carrying it"

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Morgan
21 hours ago, Swanny17 said:


For her last birthday, I got my wife an elephant for the living room. "Thank you" she said.  "Don't mention it" I replied.

I’m not normally slow but, I have read this a few times and just don’t get it?

 

:sadrobbo:

 

 

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Sawdust Caesar
3 minutes ago, Morgan said:

I’m not normally slow but, I have read this a few times and just don’t get it?

 

:sadrobbo:

 

 

You're not alone, mate.

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Morgan
Just now, Sawdust Caesar said:

You're not alone, mate.

Thank Christ for that.  :lol: 

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Tazio

Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”?

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Boof
5 minutes ago, Tazio said:

Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”?

 

Dont ****ing mention it!!!!

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Morgan
Posted (edited)
20 minutes ago, Tazio said:

Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”?

 

15 minutes ago, Boof said:

 

Dont ****ing mention it!!!!

Aye, still don’t get the feckin joke though.  :lol: 

 

Edit: Think I’m getting there.  

 

2nd Edit.  Maybe no’.

 

:sadrobbo:

Edited by Morgan

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Maple Leaf
1 hour ago, Morgan said:

I’m not normally slow but, I have read this a few times and just don’t get it?

 

:sadrobbo:

 

 

 

It went over my head too, but I think it's along the lines of 'don't mention the elephant in the room.'

 

I think.

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Morgan
30 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

It went over my head too, but I think it's along the lines of 'don't mention the elephant in the room.'

 

I think.

I think I’ve got it now.

 

Must have been having a

 

:Blond-Moment:

 

That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it!

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Lemongrab
6 minutes ago, Morgan said:

I think I’ve got it now.

 

Must have been having a

 

:Blond-Moment:

 

That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it!

I didn't get it either,  but was waiting for someone else to ask. 😆

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Maple Leaf

A woman calls her husband: "Hi Honey, I'm on the motorway and I'm calling you using my new mobile phone."

 

Husband: "Be very careful. I heard on the radio that there's an idiot driving the wrong way on the motorway."

 

Wife: "One idiot? There's hundreds of them!"

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Morgan
44 minutes ago, Lemongrab said:

I didn't get it either,  but was waiting for someone else to ask. 😆

You swine!

 

:levein2:

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Lemongrab
25 minutes ago, Morgan said:

You swine!

 

:levein2:

😛

🤣

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Swanny17
1 hour ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

It went over my head too, but I think it's along the lines of 'don't mention the elephant in the room.'

 

I think.


👍

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Morgan
20 minutes ago, Swanny17 said:


👍

Wish I’d just waited!

:facepalm:

 

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dougal

I woke up in hospital after my motorbike accident with a gorgeous blond nurse standing over me.

 

She said you may feel nothing below the waist.

 

I said fair enough and grabbed her tits.

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Lemongrab
1 hour ago, Morgan said:

Wish I’d just waited!

:facepalm:

 

I'm glad you didn't. 

 

I was like  :yas:

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superjack
2 hours ago, Morgan said:

Wish I’d just waited!

:facepalm:

 

Like I did.

I mean I got it straight away, honest.

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Morgan
2 hours ago, Lemongrab said:

I'm glad you didn't. 

 

I was like  :yas:

 

2 hours ago, superjack said:

Like I did.

I mean I got it straight away, honest.

Feck off, you two.

 

:sadrobbo:  You not think I’m hurting enough?

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superjack

A vegan once said to me that people who sell meat are gross.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

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Kalamazoo Jambo
On 03/10/2019 at 09:37, Tazio said:

Never heard the expression “the elephant in the room”?

 

 

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redjambo

Came up on my feed today. :D

 

71788375_10157552243051635_631046767273574400_n.jpg.ba6f19ac73507835e1eedb50138ccefa.jpg

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RobNox

A guy turns up at the hospital with a giant cabbage in place of his head.

 

The doctor asked what happened, and the guy explained that he'd found a lamp, rubbed it, and this genie appeared and offered him 3 wishes.

 

So what did you wish for asked the doctor?

 

Well firstly I wished I had £100m which the genie gave me, then I wished I had a beautiful woman, which the genie also gave me.  Then I totally blew it when I wished I had a giant cabbage for a head.

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Cory McNamara

Mentally challenged man walks in the forest. He has a basket half-full of mushrooms. He tries to find some more. He goes,

 

"Little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms."

 

He sees one and tries to pick it up.

 

Suddenly, mushroom speaks:

 

(Mushroom) - Please don't do it, I'm a magical mushroom, leave me alone and I will fulfill your three wishes.

 

(Man) - I don't, no...

 

(Mushroom) - Listen, I'm a very powerful creature, tell me your wishes. But be careful, I'm not kind-hearted that much.

 

(Man) - Ehhh, I wanna, I wanna... I wanna be a normal person, that's my first wish.

 

(Mushroom) - OK, sure? If that's what you wish for. Done!

 

(Man) - Wow! I am normal now! I wanna piss myself how I'm happy! Yes!

 

(Mushroom) - Done.

 

(Man, while seeing his wet pants) - And now I am fu**ed up again!

 

(Mushroom) - Done.

 

(Man walks away) - Little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms, little mushrooms...  

 

 

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jb102
20 hours ago, RobNox said:

A guy turns up at the hospital with a giant cabbage in place of his head.

 

The doctor asked what happened, and the guy explained that he'd found a lamp, rubbed it, and this genie appeared and offered him 3 wishes.

 

So what did you wish for asked the doctor?

 

Well firstly I wished I had £100m which the genie gave me, then I wished I had a beautiful woman, which the genie also gave me.  Then I totally blew it when I wished I had a giant cabbage for a head.

Does this outline society?

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Lemongrab
Posted (edited)

A man goes up to a prostitute in the street and asks, How much is it for a hand job?'

'£10.' , she replies and leads him down an alley.

The guy whips his dick out and starts w*nking.

'What are you doing?', she asks.

'You didn't think you were going to get the easy one, did you?'

Edited by Lemongrab

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N Lincs Jambo

God was feeling bored one day so he called down to Noah: "Hey Noah, I want you to  build me another Ark!" Noah replies: "No probs God, whatever you say!" God says, "Yeah, I want a new Ark but this one has to be huge! I want it to have at least 20-25 stories." Noah replies, " Whatever you wish God, you're the man!". God then shouts down, "And when it's finished, I want you to fill it with water." "Water?" replies Noah, "what animals are you putting in it this time?" "Not animals as such" says God - "just fish." "What kind of fish?" asks Noah. " Koi Carp" replies God. "I've always wanted you to build me a multi-storey carp ark!"

 

I'll get my coat :(

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Sawdust Caesar

"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I'm disappointed."

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Robbo-Jambo
1 hour ago, Sawdust Caesar said:

"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I'm disappointed."

:laugh2:

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superjack

Just heard about a bloke who was killed by a shark while on honeymoon in south Africa. He didn't suffer for long though as he was only married for 5 days.

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Marvin
On 23/08/2019 at 05:32, narre said:

"Mummy, where do babies come from?

" "Well, daddies make sperm and put it inside mummies."

"Do mummies eat it?"

 

"Only if they want new shoes!"

 

:rofl:

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narre
 
 
 
 

"Knock Knock." "Who's there?"

"It's the police, sir."

"You'll have to wait. I'm having a shit."

"We know sir. The phone box has glass sides!

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narre
 
 
 
I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.
The doctor said, "Just shake your head."
I asked him, "How often?" He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat bunt!"

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Lemongrab
3 minutes ago, narre said:
 
 
 
 

"Knock Knock." "Who's there?"

"It's the police, sir."

"You'll have to wait. I'm having a shit."

"We know sir. The phone box has glass sides!

🤣

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narre
A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a groundbreaking operation of having two pigs ear grafted on in place.
A hospital spokesperson said,
"The operation was a success and the man can hear, though he's experiencing a lot of crackling!"

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narre

On our wedding night my wife appeared out of the bathroom in a sexy nightie and asked me to leave her breathless...

So I hid her inhaler!

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narre

I was looking at my wife, no teeth in, tits on her belly

. Then she let out a massive fart. “You’re a mess and I’m disgusted with you," I said.

"I’m still the woman you love and married. Sometimes we let ourselves go a bit," she said.

"We’re on our bucking honeymoon!" I replied.

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narre

My local cinema got robbed of £1000 yesterday...

The thieves stole two jumbo popcorns, two large Cokes and a packet of Minstrels!

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narre

After years of doubt I'm now convinced my wife is having an affair...

We've moved 250 miles north and we've still got the same window cleaner!

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narre

My wife let's me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she let's me lick it off her...

She's a cracker!

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narre

I've got a bottle of Newcastle Brown stuck in my foot...

The doctor says it's an ingrowing toon ale!

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Pans Jambo

Mick asks Paddy why he has an empty milk bottle in his fridge. 
Paddy replies “Its just in case anyone wants black coffee”.

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