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Unashamedly crap jokes (some are pure gold!)


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Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up?

Awaiting a reply with baited breath...

 

 

I went back to see my doctor yesterday. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus!"

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1 hour ago, narre said:

Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up?

Awaiting a reply with baited breath...

 

 

I went back to see my doctor yesterday. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus!"

🤣

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31 minutes ago, FruitJuice said:

What's stevie wonder's favourite colour?

Corduroy 

 

I shouldn't laugh, but ... :rofl:

 

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11 minutes ago, Maple Leaf said:

 

I shouldn't laugh, but ... :rofl:

 

There was a slight bit of guilt while typing it.

What do you call a girl that doesn't take the pill?

Ma.

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4 hours ago, FruitJuice said:

What's stevie wonder's favourite colour?

Corduroy 

Did he hear about Stevie Wonder and cheese grater?

 

It's the best book he's ever read.

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My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have three records, what would they be?

" I said, "The long distance swimming one would be handy!"

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

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I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop.
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Feck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little shit," I thought, as I zipped my rucksack and continued my walk.
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My wife found out she's adopted. She's gutted & keeps asking,

"Why didn’t they want me?

" I comforted her for a while, still crying she asked me to make love to her, led to more tears.

On reflection banging her from behind & shouting, "Who’s your daddy?" was a little insensitive

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My wife sat on the sofa wearing a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up our sex life

. "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" I asked.

"Yes," she answered seductively.

"Thank god for that," I said. "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"

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My transvestite mate never looks good in a micro skirt,

but I have to admire his balls for trying!

 

I was talking to this woman in a club. She said,

"I get horny every time I hear something sexual.

It's weird I know. Anyway, what's your name?"

I replied, "Sir BJ Anal the 69th!"

 

I used to have a phobia about walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn

, but now I've managed to conker my fear!

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2 hours ago, narre said:

My wife found out she's adopted. She's gutted & keeps asking,

"Why didn’t they want me?

" I comforted her for a while, still crying she asked me to make love to her, led to more tears.

On reflection banging her from behind & shouting, "Who’s your daddy?" was a little insensitive

 

:rofl:

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On ‎28‎/‎10‎/‎2019 at 10:10, narre said:
I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop.
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Feck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little shit," I thought, as I zipped my rucksack and continued my walk.

:laugh2:

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The Real Maroonblood
On 28/10/2019 at 10:16, narre said:

My wife sat on the sofa wearing a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up our sex life

. "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" I asked.

"Yes," she answered seductively.

"Thank god for that," I said. "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"

:laugh:

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This may have already been posted.

 

Guy walks into a bakers and asks how much their cakes are. All cakes are 50p said the guy behind the counter. Okay, said the customer, I'll have that one there. That's £1.00 then. What? Thought all cakes were 50p? Yeah, but that's Madeira cake.

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"Take me back to your place and f@@k me up the erse!"

some fat girl demanded last night.

"I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.

"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked

. "Maybe so," I replied. "But my door frame is very narrow!"

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I just spent £1,000 for a rented limousine and found out it doesnt come with a driver...

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!

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11 minutes ago, narre said:

"Take me back to your place and f@@k me up the erse!"

some fat girl demanded last night.

"I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.

"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked

. "Maybe so," I replied. "But my door frame is very narrow!"


I was worried that was going in a different direction 

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My dwarf girlfriend has been a  bit down lately, because nasty people keep making remarks about her size

 

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her some flowers, chocolates, wine and I am going to run her a nice hot sink.

Edited by sandyk
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17 hours ago, JWL said:

This may have already been posted.

 

Guy walks into a bakers and asks how much their cakes are. All cakes are 50p said the guy behind the counter. Okay, said the customer, I'll have that one there. That's £1.00 then. What? Thought all cakes were 50p? Yeah, but that's Madeira cake.

:laugh2:

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On 06/11/2019 at 14:33, sandyk said:

My dwarf girlfriend has been a  bit down lately, because nasty people keep making remarks about her size

 

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her some flowers, chocolates, wine and I am going to run her a nice hot sink.

Been laughing at this for days! Superb 😂😂

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3 minutes ago, jamboj said:

Been laughing at this for days! Superb 😂😂

 

I've been laughing at it since July 2017 - it's a cracker to be fair!

 

On 13/07/2017 at 20:20, Sawdust Caesar said:

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

 

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Not a joke but a funny real story. Or is it funny? I expect that's a matter of opinion.
 

Quote

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.


The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.


The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

 

Edited by JFK-1
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Radio phone-ins continued ;

DJ phoning newspaper....

” Aye, ah want to put an obituary in the paper, mate ? “

” Ok, tell me the message please “

” Peter Reid fae Peterheid is deid “

” Sorry ? “

” PETER REID FAE PETERHEID IS DEID “

” Em...ok, but it must be a minimum of 9 words. “

” Aw right, Peter Reid fae Peterheid is deid. Volvo for sale ! “

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If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends.

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I P Knightley
On 12/11/2019 at 15:05, Boab said:

Radio phone-ins continued ;

DJ phoning newspaper....

” Aye, ah want to put an obituary in the paper, mate ? “

” Ok, tell me the message please “

” Peter Reid fae Peterheid is deid “

” Sorry ? “

” PETER REID FAE PETERHEID IS DEID “

” Em...ok, but it must be a minimum of 9 words. “

” Aw right, Peter Reid fae Peterheid is deid. Volvo for sale ! “

That would be Hector Brocklebank. 

 

 

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On ‎06‎/‎11‎/‎2019 at 15:33, sandyk said:

My dwarf girlfriend has been a  bit down lately, because nasty people keep making remarks about her size

 

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her some flowers, chocolates, wine and I am going to run her a nice hot sink.

:laugh2:

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1 hour ago, Jambothump said:

If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends.

:lol: Tanks fur the headds up.  Alwaze handy too bee awhare off tis sort of birus.

 

Norgam xy

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On 12/11/2019 at 16:05, Boab said:

Radio phone-ins continued ;

DJ phoning newspaper....

” Aye, ah want to put an obituary in the paper, mate ? “

” Ok, tell me the message please “

” Peter Reid fae Peterheid is deid “

” Sorry ? “

” PETER REID FAE PETERHEID IS DEID “

” Em...ok, but it must be a minimum of 9 words. “

” Aw right, Peter Reid fae Peterheid is deid. Volvo for sale ! “

Reminds me of the phone-in on Radio Clyde when they offered a grand to anyone who could invent a word and use it in a sentence. 

No one could do it until boy phoned and said "Guan". 

Dj said ok whats your sentence 

Boy said: "guan **** yourself." 

Dj was very apologetic but continued. 

Half an hour later guy phoned up and said "smee" 

Dj said ok whats your sentence. 

"smee again, guan **** yourself." 

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7 hours ago, LeftBack said:

Reminds me of the phone-in on Radio Clyde when they offered a grand to anyone who could invent a word and use it in a sentence. 

No one could do it until boy phoned and said "Guan". 

Dj said ok whats your sentence 

Boy said: "guan **** yourself." 

Dj was very apologetic but continued. 

Half an hour later guy phoned up and said "smee" 

Dj said ok whats your sentence. 

"smee again, guan **** yourself." 

:rofl:

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Teacher: "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'pistol' in it?"

Johnny:

"Miss, my dad draws his dole money at half past nine and he's on the piss till two!"

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5 hours ago, narre said:

Teacher: "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'pistol' in it?"

Johnny:

"Miss, my dad draws his dole money at half past nine and he's on the piss till two!"


Teacher: "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it?"

Johnny: 

"Miss, my dad was painting our garden fence and my grandad told my mum that it would take the contagious!"

 

 

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I P Knightley

I can't remember all the way back through this thread but did we ever work out what Mr T's favourite yoghurt is?

 

 

You'll need to imagine this said in a Mr T voice.

 

It's...

 

A Petit Filous.

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